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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

Friends who love your Nanny ...

71 replies

Tiggus · 20/01/2005 16:49

... a little too much. My neighbours / friends love our great nanny who started 4 months ago, so much that they have started asking her to do ad hoc babysitting as they know my hours are flexible (work at home PhD student). Nanny has said yes once or twice but has very sensibly asked me what I think of it. I am now uncomfortable with the situation as she is getting asked with little notice and already works a 40 hour week for me. Any ideas on how to knock this one on the head without ruining friendships?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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nannyL · 25/01/2009 12:00

I see what you are saying athena

BUT if you want your nanny then you need to contract and pay her for those hours (used or not) or accept she might want to do other stuff with her free time

Blondeshavemorefun · 25/01/2009 12:41

tiggus the op was complaining that her neighbour was asking her nanny to babysit

but if tiggus wanted her nanny to babysit then she should ask her

the nanny is also quite capable of saying no if too short notice

ilovehte cake - my mb is the same-i work 3days and often temp/ad hoc on my days off and mb knows ans has no problem with it

my life outside of my working hours is my business

when i did night nannying for a small baby with colic, and worked my normal hours my mb was fine, and said that the mum was very lucky to have me for a few nights

the nanny could be babysitting, or out till 3am partying, or at home reading and watching tv and go to bed late

as long as the nanny is at work on time and does her job then what they do on their own time is up to them

AtheneNoctua · 25/01/2009 12:52

It's one of those things I would recommend employers put in their contracts to have a fall back just in case it ever gerts out of hand. In fact, my contract also says that I will consider any reasonable requests for a nanny share so long as the care of my own children is not compromised. And, in practice, I am more than happy for nanny to get out and arrange play dates and do swaps where nanny looks after Ds friend one week and DS friend's mum looks after DS next week. This gives nanny more time to go to the gym during the day. Many employers would frown upon this, but I actually like knowing she's getting something out of the gym membership I pay for.

Also,I think my point of view applies pre to a full time live in nanny. When you accept some one into your home who lives as sort of an extended member of the family, you do expect to get first dibs when you need them. The only time I really expect my nanny to make herslef available is when I need to trravel for business because it's not like I can say no to my boss.

tankie · 25/01/2009 13:59

I can kind of see your point Athene, especially with travelling for work when that is clearly an important part of the nanny's job description.

BUT, when I lived in the thing I hated most was the attitude that my employers had first dibs on my time! Actually, I have first dibs on my time, and if they wanted to book me for babysitting or overtime (baring emergencies) they had to give me fair warning and accept that actually I did have a life outside of their family - I think some employers of live ins forget that sometimes!

frannikin · 25/01/2009 14:57

tankie can you make that point to my employer please?!

I'm supposed to get 1 weeks notice of any babysitting or overnight work (barring emergencies obviously) but she still expects me to be able to stay over when she tells me THAT MORNING!

tankie · 25/01/2009 16:03

It's so frustrating isn't it? I once had that happen in my last live-in job, they asked (told) me in the morning to babysit that evening and I said no I couldn't as was my best friend's birthday party that night and it had been on the calendar for ages. They absolutely promised they'd be home by 10pm, so at 10.30pm I called to politely ask where they were and got "oh is that the time, we're on our way back etc". When they got back they kept the taxi waiting and paid for it to take me straight out again, but still I was a bit about the whole thing.

frannikin · 25/01/2009 16:21

It's annoying if you don't have plans, isn't it? But 10x worse when you do. Ah well if she tries to pull that one on me in a couple of weeks time on a Friday she's got another think coming. I have train tickets booked and a friend ready to take over at my exact finish time (who will expect to be paid her usual babysitting rate by my employer).

Lilybeto · 25/01/2009 16:32

My employers are beginning to think that they can ask to babysit whenever they want, without any notice. Babysitting is not in my hours at all but I will generally do it if it is pre arranged . I go away every friday night and come back on monday morning, even though I'm fully live-in, this is because I spend the weekend with my Dp. On friday night just before I was leaving my bosses asked if I had any plans for saturday night (in a conversational friendly manner). I said that my Dp and I weren't going anywhere in particular but were just going to chill out. She then asked if I could babysit on the saturday night. I was so pissed off that she was trying to act like my friend, by just enquiring what I was doing for the weekend and then asking me to babysit. I said that I couldn't as I wanted to spend time with Dp. She wasn't pleased to say the least. I pointed out that if she had asked me in advance then I probably would have said yes. I don't think some people realise that just because you're live-in, it doesn't mean that you are a live-in slave!

tankie · 25/01/2009 16:33

It's just the assumption that outside of your work hours you are just sitting around ready to jump in when they need you that's irritating, isn't it?

frannikin · 25/01/2009 17:05

I have said that if my OH is around (he's forces so often posted away) and she asks me to babysit on short notice then he comes too. She hasn't come up with an answer to that one yet. And my charge hero-worships my OH so it sort of works....I just watch their TV instead of mine. And theirs is much bigger with more channels!

Blondeshavemorefun · 25/01/2009 17:23

athene i know you will always have that in your contract

just as i will never sign a contract with that in it - even when i was fulltime

live ins gen have 2 babysits a week, but i assumed they were agreed in the contract - ie every tue and thur

i am more than happy to babysit for my family,if i am free, and if i am not or dont want to, then mb has never got annoyed and asks me if i can find anyone for her

i normally can as all of my friends like babysitting for my mb/db

AtheneNoctua · 25/01/2009 18:30

Jeez, I'm nothing like the people you work for. If I want to go out with friends or DH or whomever I will aways ask the nanny but most as a courtesy of giving her first dibs but if she say no she has plans and I'm fine with that. Also, as my nanny job is about 60 hours a week it would be very unlikely inpossible actually that I could ever be anything but her main source of income.

Incidentally my contract with my employer states that I can not work for anyone but them... ever.

But, I always ask with as much warning as possible. And if the nanny already has plans. That's fine. I'll call sitters. Or fine someone else.

BUT... If my work said, you are going to Kazakhstan on Tuesday, I would expect her to make herself available on Tuesday night. Unless of course if she had concert tickets or something already arranged. Then, I'd probably ask her if she could arrange a friend to fill in until she got back, and I would obviously pay the friend. That seems totally reasonable.

AtheneNoctua · 25/01/2009 18:32

Find someone else, not "fine" someone else.

Blondeshavemorefun · 25/01/2009 18:39

not sure what you do athene but guess office work is different from nannying

its unlikely you would find evening or weekend work with another company iykwim - hence why you have that in your contract

you are not like 1/2 of the empolyers that some of the nannies have on here - you sound quite sane and normal - bit like my family

you are the same as my mb, she will always ask me as curtsey but never minds if i cant

babysitting for a work related thing for a mb/db is very different from babysitting as mb/db going out

tankie · 25/01/2009 18:43

You do sound like a lovely employer Athene!

Tiramissu · 25/01/2009 18:57

If you have a very demanding job or job that involves travelling -like athene's case- then of course you will put in the contract that you expect the nanny to be available. This is reasonable. And the nanny knows from the begining what is in so if she doesnt like it she doesn't have to take the job.

But OP's case sounds diferent and unreasonable. There is this tone in her post of 'owning' the nanny. And some controlling attidute.

And the same goes for some early posters. One of them mentions nanny-share so i assume it is live-out position and she says they ve tried not to 'hire' the nanny after 10.30pm Well, you dont know what time your live-out nanny goes to bed, do you? And why should you?

AtheneNoctua · 25/01/2009 22:07

I wonder if the OP realises her thread of four year has been resurected?

I actually got the impression she was trying to look after her nanny and help her get out of a slightly uncomfortable situation. I think the nanny was right to mention it to employer. And I think the employer was right to come on here seeking advice on how to help nanny get out of any sticky situations without causing a rift with neighbor.

frannikin · 25/01/2009 22:12

Athene - you do sound extremely reasonable.
And you are prepared to have someone else look after your DCs. My employer is, I'm beginning to find out, neither of those things.

Blondeshavemorefun · 26/01/2009 08:37

i got the impression that OP didnt like the thought of her nanny working for her neighbour as she didnt like it as she thought her nanny would be tired from a 40hr week and she wouldnt be avaible for OP if she needed a bs - and not the nanny

if a person is meant to be capable of looking after children single handyly, then she should also be capable of saying no to the neighbour IF she didnt want to babysit, and say she was busy

franikin - are things not good at work?

frannikin · 26/01/2009 19:45

Not really....I keep trying to have a chat with my employer about various niggly things but she doesn't seem to want to talk

Last straw was me having plans (tickets booked) and her announcing she's working away so needs me to babysit a Friday night, when I noramlly drop at judo and leave. Me saying no, I'm sorry, I'm busy. Her saying I have to. Me saying I know someone else who can pick up from judo and babysit. Her saying no. Me saying I'm busy. Her saying no....

MuffinToptheMule · 26/01/2009 20:15

Frannikin, were you told about the Friday night a week in advance?

frannikin · 26/01/2009 20:27

Nope. It was actually the Wednesday so 2 days notice AND I'd already told her I had tickets for that Friday, please could she make sure that someone was available to take him from judo. I don't often make plans on a day that I'm due to work for precisely this reason.

And that makes no difference either, because we agreed I work 1 Friday night per month and I'd done my 2 nights already.

I've got a similar potential situation in a couple of weeks. She knows about it and I've arranged cover for myself and if she turns around and says I can't go then I'm handing in my notice there and then. And still taking the Friday night.

tankie · 26/01/2009 20:38

So did you work the friday after all?

That's awful behaviour on your mb's behalf - I think I would insist on a meeting with her to go over both of your obligations and expectations again.

MuffinToptheMule · 26/01/2009 20:38

That is ridiculous. What a horrible boss you have. I can't believe that she also refused your offer of someone else covering. Surely it is up to her to arrange cover. The child /children are hers, not yours. Did you work on that friday night or did you go out?

(This is Lilybeto by the way, I have namechanged. Not sure if anyone knows my old name anyway)

frannikin · 26/01/2009 20:58

Trying to pin her down for a meeting is absolutely ridiculous. This is the woman who told me that "the hours in the contract don't matter, I have you so I can be late and not have to worry" and on the subject of overtime pay "there isn't any, it's just a complete package".

The advantage, I suppose, is I do rarely have to deal with her and I just kind of accept now that I can't have a life on weeknight evenings, including Friday.

I worked. There wasn't anything else I could do. She wasn't coming home and I could hardly leave.

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