Nursery Pick Ups

[JollyHostess101]

Our little girl started nursery 2 weeks ago meant to be Thursday and Friday full days- she’s never been looked after by anyone but me and DH so we expected it might take a while to settle her in!

First proper week after 2 x 1hrs settling in sessions she lasted until lunchtime and we were asked to collect her on the first day as she hadn’t eaten and was distressed, second day the same!

Second week the same thing except the Friday she fell asleep so we were asked to collect her once she’d woken up as she was upset!

This week same again yesterday despite there being a photo uploaded to the app that she was in the garden playing happily!

Today DH got a call to collect at 10 as she wasn’t happy and hadn’t had anything to drink so he duly went off to collect her to find her happily playing in the garden…. How is she ever going to get used to it if we’re continuously collecting her with never having done a full day? Are nursery just calling us because they know we’ll pick her up? What if we couldn’t come and collect straight away?

Obviously we don’t want to traumatise her but but after next week when DH starts his new job it’s not going to be as easy for us to go and get her as well both be working and we’re paying for full days which she hasn’t ever done?

No childminders with availability so switching settings isn’t an option at the moment!

Do you think they are lying about her being unsettled then?

My daughter had also recently started nursery and the only thing I’d say that I think did help us, which maybe you could try now, is increasing the time gradually so she actually has a chance to settle in. 1 hour to then full days is a big jump.

We had settling in sessions:

• 30 mins with me there, 10 mins at the end where I left
• 1 hour
• 1.5 hours
• 2 hours
• 2.5 hours
• 3 hours
• 4 hours

And even after that we were told that for her first “proper” week they advise we keep the days shorter, so if her normal day would be 8 hours then for the first week keep them at 6ish hours, so we did that.

She’s settled in beautifully & is always so happy going in and coming out so it has absolutely worked for us. I do think when she’s never been looked after by anyone else going from 1 hour straight to full days was ambitious and setting her up to fail a bit, she needs more time to gradually build up. There’s also the fact that some children just don’t get on in a nursery setting & do need something a bit quieter.

Our nursery also asked us lots of questions about her beforehand, her routine, her favourite songs, her favourite toys, how she likes to sleep, favourite foods etc, so that they were prepared for any winging/spotting tiredness etc, did your nursery do the same? If not maybe you could give some of that info so any tips & tricks can be used to help keep her happy?

Not necessarily but last Friday and today she’s been fine when we’ve gone to collect her! Today was only 90mins since I’d dropped her off before the call came in to go get her!

She’s our first so not sure how it works but what if we weren’t round the corner to be able to collect?! Luckily I work 5 mins away and DH is only 5 mins away in the car!!

Thank you for your reply !

Yes they did ask all the same about her favourite things and stuff!!

I knew it would take time to settle and thought we’d made progress so todays made me question everything!!

I honestly think you need to book annual leave or ask family/friends for help and take a few weeks to just build the time more gradually- 1 hour to 8 hours is a huge jump.

@Mrsttcno1our the timings are pretty much a bit like yours for when we’ve been asked to collect her we didn’t think she’d go for full days straight away so have planned around picking her up after lunch history has thrown me off a bit if that makes sense!!

If she’s still struggling with that then you can drop the times back? With our nursery settling sessions they had always said if she was struggling with one then we’d pick up early & try the same time again rather than continuing to increase the time. The goal was always to have her go & have a good experience & be picked up before she got to the point of being upset/agitated so that it was building positive associations x

It's called jinxing things.

The amount of times I message new parents to say things have gone well only for baby to start crying 5 mins before they arrive and make me look like a liar 😂 It happens.

Plenty of babies go from a couple of hours settling in to full days straight away. Not every parent has the ability to pay for weeks of childcare while not actually working or working very few hours to facilitate a gradual build up. I think nursery are taking the piss a bit to be honest. Both mine went in for full days straight away. One settled on day one, one took months to settle. I’m not sure shorter sessions would have helped her much tbh.

🤣 definitely jinxed it as I was feeling so positive about it this morning dropping her off!

Hopefully next week is better!

The one who didn’t settle did you literally just leave them and one day it just clicked? I’m kind of torn as to whether to quit before we’ve even really started!!

Yeah I had to work so kept sending her even though I knew she wasn’t enjoying it ☹️. It was during the Covid/lockdown era so it was very unsettled with childcare being closed then opened and I’m a teacher so term time only so she had weeks off for holidays. In the end we changed childminders (cos she moved away not because of the not settling) and it still took about 3 months with the new one, so over a year in total (though that included Covid closures). Not sure if it was a sudden thing more gradual acceptance of the idea.

I also think the nursery are taking the piss a bit. Once or twice would be acceptable for them to call you but they are trained professionals and should know how to settle children.

I have heard of nurseries sending children home if they are over ratio due to a high amount of staff sickness/absence. They are also aware of those parents who always collect immediately so would be more likely to call them time and time again. I would not be so available to collect next time they call. At the end of the day your DD needs to settle and she won't if she keeps getting sent home early.

@modgepodgethank you for taking the time to reply! I’m guessing we might be in for the long haul then!!

@PrincessScarlettim thinking they call us so it doesn’t disturb the others during nap kids naps! And surely not everyone is so close to just pop back let alone what work would say about it!!

Next time nursery call to say she's upset, ask them to see if she settles and give you a call back in an hour to see if she's still upset.

When they call are they actually asking you to collect, or are they just telling you she is distressed and giving you the option?

If I got there and she was happily playing I would have crept out again and left her there.

Next time they ring tell them you can't get back right now and to continue trying to settle her. Call them back in an hour and see how she's doing.

It sounds like they're not really trying their best to get her to settle.

Also, explain to them about DH's new job and that you won't be able to collect. Ask them what their plan for her is. It's on them to help her settle and feel happy and safe in the nursery environment. If they have nothing to offer start looking for somewhere else. If they can't be bothered to help with settling the standard of care won't be good generally.

Pretty standard. We went through something very similar. Give it more time. She will settle

Mine went from 2 x 1 hour settle sessions to full days. We did a month of 2 days and then 3 days. It took him 5 weeks to settle, and actually, upon reflection 2 days wasn't enough because he was much better when he was attending 3 days a week.

I do think you need to speak to the manager about what their strategy is to help her settle because they can't keep calling you in every time she kicks off, not least because it's teaching her that she can go home if she wants to.

Even when he was unhappy I only found out about it at pick up. The only times we've been asked to collect early is when he's been physically ill.

Yep asking for us to come and collect as she’s upset and they can’t calm her down and we didn’t want to be those parents who just left her but I can’t see away to get past this!

They always say she’s had a good morning and making progress (except today) but is just very upset! And because we’ve gone I wonder if they’re quicker to get her off their hands…. I don’t know but at the end of the day we’re paying for full days! Today we paid nearly 70 quid for 90mins!

it was by far and away the best nursery we saw and super popular which makes me wonder if it’s us who are either expecting too much never having done this before we weren’t sure if we could push back without looking like evil parents!!

@PickledElectricitythank you for your reply glad to hear of it taking longer as the few people i know who’ve been through it don’t seem to have had much of an issue!

I’m going to email on Monday once we’ve had time to reflect as I don’t think collecting her all the time will help!

Stop answering the phone the first time they call. If it's a real emergency they'll try again. But I often found that being difficult to contact made nursery work harder to manage both my girls.

it was by far and away the best nursery we saw and super popular which makes me wonder if it’s us who are either expecting too much never having done this before we weren’t sure if we could push back without looking like evil parents!!

Ah this might be the issue. If they're popular and know they can get a replacement easily they could be not making an effort on purpose? Sorry but I'm cynical. See what they say/plan though.

Ours is not the "best" in the area, a bit old fashioned in that there's no app and we have to send in lunch, but he's happy there, there's a lovely big garden (and he's an outdoorsy baby), and he has a good bond with his key worker. I remember in the early days they said they held and rocked him for an hour trying to get him to nap! I don't know if that's normal but I appreciated the effort.

@PickledElectricitythis is my worry that they’re finding it too shed (but surely she’s not the first to struggle) and keep saying it’s normal and they’ll see us the next day but it doesn’t feel like we’re moving forward!

one of the other places didn’t take them unless they were used to being away from parents but that wasn’t mentioned when looking round this places!!

Hello, we had this with our little one too, the nursery were sending home for a whole host of reasons, non of which we felt were valid in all honesty but we duly collected and made work fit when we could, it just wasn’t sustainable in the long term so we looked to move our little one to a nursery that had a far more experienced/older staff who were more equipped at determining if it was a real issue or just a little thing that with some play, encouragement and distraction would resolve itself. Have a look at the staffing and good luck x