Nursery Pick Ups

[JollyHostess101]

Our little girl started nursery 2 weeks ago meant to be Thursday and Friday full days- she’s never been looked after by anyone but me and DH so we expected it might take a while to settle her in!

First proper week after 2 x 1hrs settling in sessions she lasted until lunchtime and we were asked to collect her on the first day as she hadn’t eaten and was distressed, second day the same!

Second week the same thing except the Friday she fell asleep so we were asked to collect her once she’d woken up as she was upset!

This week same again yesterday despite there being a photo uploaded to the app that she was in the garden playing happily!

Today DH got a call to collect at 10 as she wasn’t happy and hadn’t had anything to drink so he duly went off to collect her to find her happily playing in the garden…. How is she ever going to get used to it if we’re continuously collecting her with never having done a full day? Are nursery just calling us because they know we’ll pick her up? What if we couldn’t come and collect straight away?

Obviously we don’t want to traumatise her but but after next week when DH starts his new job it’s not going to be as easy for us to go and get her as well both be working and we’re paying for full days which she hasn’t ever done?

No childminders with availability so switching settings isn’t an option at the moment!

So I emailed the manager today as Thursday is looming and I’m anxious about it!

She said they call us because she’s so unhappy and they can’t have a child that unhappy stay….. I’m torn I really want to pull her out but there’s no childminders with space as she suggested a smaller setting might work better but then followed up with they happy to continue and see if progress is made?!!

We have a meeting on Friday and we’re going to ask about dropping down to half days so at least we can plan around that and pick ups hopefully 🤞

What did they say about the time your DH turned up and she was playing happily in the garden?!

That is absolute bullshit, sorry. They should have techniques to distract her, cheer her up etc. Just this morning my DS was reluctant to go in and his key worker said "ooh is that a squirrel?!" And he ran over to the window to have a look, forgot all about his reservations.

What are other nurseries like?

I personally didn't like the idea of child minders and would sooner have given up work 😅

Mine started nursery from around 11 months. I saw a lot of newbies as mine were always full time.

The kids that struggled were those that were there only a few days. If you have any family to help to ease the transition that might help.

I also think the nursery are taking the mick. They know you are close. Maybe say that for a few weeks that you a little further away and it will be an hour.

Some kids also take longer

@NuffSaidSamshe didn’t mention it but I will be when we meet! She just kept saying they call us as a last resort but it’s unusual for a child to be upset all the time!

I really feel we’ve done her a disservice by being off with her (DH been off work for 6months by choice before changing career) I didn’t expect it to be easy but it’s so incredibly hard!

We don’t have any family who could help out as just us! DH has started as a driving instructor so we haven’t even got funded hours yet as he’s gone self employed!

Wow it shocks me that people genuinely think the nursery are ‘taking the piss’ for letting the parents know that their (assuming very young) child is so upset?! I’m sorry, but to say you would ignore the phone knowing your child is in distress says a whole lot more about you as a parent than the nursery staff. By all means suggest leaving her longer, or asking them to see give you a ring in a hour or so to see if she’s still unsettled. But people suggesting it’s because the nursery staff can’t be bothered, why would you leave your children in the care of people you think would do that? You either trust these people or you don’t.

We did a few days of an hour, then a few days of 2 hours, then a few half days and then shorter (6hour) days. This was spread over around 3 or 4 weeks. He didn't properly settle until he had done longer stretches there. The 1 and 2 hour sessions he was upset off and on the whole time but they were ok with this and comforted, held him etc. It took a month for him to eat more than snacks but he slept well straight away and was content/playing once he had done some full days.

You can still claim the funded hours if you are self employed, the first year you are in business they give you some leeway with the earnings threshold.

@NuffSaidSamthank you but he’s still finishing his training so we can’t as yet as he’s not actually earning anything at the moment

we had our meeting and it seems she’s extremely unhappy the whole time she’s there and they’ve tried to get through it but that’s why they’re calling!

The nursery manger is going to see if they can offer an additional morning so she’s going 3 x a week rather than just the two but clearly said we need a date in mind for when we call it a day in a few weeks time!! The manager said they’ve only had one other child who was like this who was taken out and came back when they 3. I’m so upset that we’ve caused this and have done our little girl such a disservice we honestly thought the chance to have us both at home for a few months was amazing but now I’m regretting it as she’s so unhappy being away from us! I don’t have any mum friends since we relocated and those I am still in touch with haven’t had much issue with starting nursery so I’m feeling pretty lost!! We go to groups and stuff but everyone kind of keeps themselves to themselves so it’s hard to make any connections so thought nursery would be good for her in that way too but I just feel like we’ve failed her!

I kind of got the impression there were some childcare professionals in here so I’m wondering if there’s much point looking into a childminder or just muddle through doing opposite hours from each other until she’s a little bigger and try again? We don’t really have anyone we could try leaving her with except my in laws who aren’t local at all but we could try next time they’re with us?

@JollyHostess101 I really feel for you. Please don't blame yourselves or be upset. In my experience, not every child will be happy in every setting. The nursery may be fantastic but that doesn't mean your child will be happy there. Your child may prefer a smaller setting or a childminder or it may just be a case of looking at other nurseries.

In this limbo period that you are now in before the nursery potentially call it a day I would go and see some other nurseries and childminders and get a feel for different settings. At least then if your child doesn't settle after X weeks then you will have put some ground work in in looking for alternatives.

Speak to local chuldminders, maybe attendca park or play group or session they attend so your Child can get used to them with you there

Then try an hour at a time

Youll find the right provider, you will work with you and youll get there

My daughters childminder has an assistant wjo also babysits for us and helps so much as we dont have fmaily nearby and know its a gmsilitsr person who alsp knows how to settle her in tbhe day too

Works well for both of us

Ah bless you. That sounds really tough.

I'm not sure if another setting would help if the nursery are legitimately trying because she just doesn't want to be away from you?

@JollyHostess101could you ask to see if any of the nursery staff in your child’s room offer babysitting? I was dreading my 3rd starting nursery as he was very shy and attached to me. We managed to arrange some time for his future key worker to come and play with him at our house before he started, and it’s been absolutely brilliant. He settled at nursery with barely a tear - just having someone he knew in the room for the first few days has given him a great start. I’d thoroughly recommend it if it could be an option

@trevol i think my reservation is that the OP has turned up on occasion and her DD has been playing happily, and that on one occasion she was asleep!

I sympathise @JollyHostess101 . My DD started nursery for three days a week last summer, when she was just under a year. It was really difficult to start with: DD hadn’t been left with anyone but me and she had a strong bond with me; still does. Don’t let anyone make you feel like it’s a bad thing! She wouldn’t eat at first, struggled with napping and walking away while she fought to get to me and cried was horrible and made me cry as well (away from her!)

Honestly I am not totally sure a childminder is a magic bullet here. There isn’t a dramatic difference between the two. Childminders obviously don’t have as many children but they don’t have as many staff either and while the rations are the same, one person and three wailing children and three people and three wailing children is easier to manage. With a childminder it’s literally all on one person and I probably wouldn’t have sent DD to one for that reason. I do already feel my own DS gets elbowed out somewhat!

It did take DD the best part of a month to settle and that was without numerous pick ups when she was upset, She really does enjoy nursery now and happily runs to the staff every morning, often giving me a triumphant look as she’s picked up and hugged!

Thank you everyone just had a wobble this evening after the meeting!

the sleeping they said she’d just worn herself out crying which she hasn’t ever done with us and she’s always happier outside but alas they can’t keep her outside all day! I do feel maybe they’d been downplaying just how upset she’d been and calm moments are fleeting!

I’m not sure a childminder offering will be much different the nursery manager was saying it might be good as it’s a smaller setting but I don’t think it’s the setting per se it’s just not being with us!!

@JollyHostess101 you haven't done anything wrong, you haven't traumatised your child by sending her to nursery, and having been both a parent of children at nursery and staff working in one I'd find the behaviour of the nursery very odd! They are the issue here, not you. The fact that they're even hinting at you having to leave without trying other strategies first says they are not doing their job properly.

@POTCits not the sending to nursery it’s the fact she’s so upset leaving us and maybe we’ve created it as we’ve both been for (myself since she arrived and my husband the last 9months) has upset me as I see all the other kids settling fine!

The nursery have told us everything they’ve done but she’s just not settling and that makes me feel like we’ve failed her!!

Is it possible that they are telling your daughter that 'Mummy is on the way" and that she is calming down for when you /husband get there because she knows you are coming to get her?
I don't know how old your daughter is? For 2 year olds in a nursery setting, the statutory guidance requires 1 member of staff for every 5 children. If one of those children is getting very upset and screaming (which is understandable) then there are 4 other children who are not having any attention or care. Nursery staff are spread thin.
Perhaps you could discuss with them the best plan of action because this isn't working for you.

I also suggest that when they ring to say that you would like them to ring you in half an hour or so to see if she's settled down again.

Your daughter isn't used to being looked after by anybody but you and your husband so this will take some time.

You haven’t failed her! Not every child settles right in and not every nursery is the right fit for every child.

My DC is 2 and will be starting nursery this summer. They told us it takes on average 6-8 weeks for children to settle in. We are not in the UK, so maybe the nurseries work differently here, but it’s normal for this to take time. We will be starting by being there together and then slowly increasing time my DC is there alone. They also will call as soon as they are not able to calm DC down.

My colleague’s DC took 4 months to settle in fully.

I also think maybe this is just not the right environment for your DC? I’d explore different nurseries and maybe childminders.

I can imagine how stressful this is for you, but don’t blame yourself. You did nothing wrong!

I’d not ignore their calls or try to force it, I don’t think that would make it any better at the end.

I would also add that I have worked in private nurseries and preschools and they are usually very reluctant to ring the parents. It really is a last resort!

I too don't think this is the environment for your DC. Nurseries can look excellent to a parent but may not suit your DD. It's very much different strokes for different folks here. Some children love nursery and the environment and for others they are too noisy and too busy.

You say she enjoys been outside, perhaps a more outdoors setting or a setting with more outside time might be better.

I would be tempted if possible to try a child minder. They are smaller settings and often have different age children - one of our local ones has preschool children, a couple of babies and a couple of school children who attend preschool a couple of hours a day so the babies are pretty much sole focus for a couple of hours so it's calmer. Lots of our child minders have helpers or students training with them so it's not always only 1 adult.

Either way, I would start visiting different settings. Take your DD with you and see how she reacts to the different settings.

To be honest I think they’ve played down just how bad she is hoping they’d have a break through and she’s calm down but that’s not happened!

We haven’t ignored any calls and gone to collect her straight away!

I’ve just never come across anyone who’s not and nursery work out so feeling a bit lost!!

It's more common than you think @JollyHostess101 as I know several children that have been removed from nursery and sent to a childminder until they are a bit older.

Also, I know that this doesn't help you, but since COVID there have been more children going into childcare that have not been socialised and it can make settling in harder. I don't mean having both parents there 24/7 but babies that haven't been left with anyone else or been to baby classes or met up with other mums and babies. It is important for any parents using childcare for the first time to prepare their child by getting them into social situations so they are not overwhelmed with a busy and noisy setting.

I live overseas and the standard here is to take up to four or even six weeks to settle in - starting with 20 minutes while the parent stays, building up to an hour, then the parent leaves the room for 5 mins, next day 10 mins, next day 15 mins etc. It feels like it takes forever and you need to be able to have the time off work to do it but it does seem to work well for the kids.

Maybe you could try something similar? Perhaps at a different nursery if she has a negative association with that one now.