Is my baby’s childminder being unreasonable?

[MissDutch]

Since going back to work in August, my 11 month old has been with a childminder a couple of days a week and has had on and off sniffles and cold symptoms. The days where she’s had a high temperature / isn’t herself, we’ve kept her off. We’ve sent her in if she’s in good spirits but has a slight cough cold. Her cough seems to have progressed and she has been a bit phlegmy. I messaged the childminder last night to let her know and she said she can’t take her (fair enough). She then messaged and said to not send her in if she’s had an unsettled night either (she isn’t a great sleeper). She said she has other children to look after and she doesn’t enjoy the activities in the day as much if she hasn’t slept well. Is this fair? I still have to go to work after an unsettled night. I understand sickness to some degree but surely you can send your child in if they’re a little bit cranky? She’s teething at the moment so unsettled nights are happening more often than not. It would be great to get another view on this..

DS1 would never have been in childcare (or lower primary years) if we kept him home after a bad night! I got more sleep feeding newborn DS2 overnight than I did with DS1's overnight Antics aged 2. He didn't let me sleep through until he was about 4, and still didn't sleep through at that point - he'd just learnt not to wake me unless there was an issue!
Illness, yes keep at home.
Bad night, send her in - or find another childminder.

Agree with pp - this does not sound like a good childminder if she cannot facilitate 2x naps per day. I have a child with high sleep needs and I'd be very unhappy at her needs not being met. Did the CM come highly recommended? What level experience / qualifications does she have?

This is my first child so I thought that must be pretty normal considering how many children they have

How many children are they looking after? It sounds like they have more than they can cope with if they're this keen on an easy life.

Not wanting a baby after an unsettled night is a bit unrealistic. Is she very pro sleep training and thinks it's something you're causing?

The problem is that it impedes communication - she's basically putting you in a position where you have to say oh no, baby was fine. And then is she just going to be frustrated with the baby for being tired?

It would make sense if it was a baby class or something you were doing for fun. But it's childcare to enable you to work.

I think honestly, I'd be looking around for another - it could take some time.

I'd definitely be looking for a new childminder if I were you. She seems uncaring, poor babies holding out until 2pm for a nap - that's ridiculous. She should have a group of children the same age if she can't cater for different ages.

Haha I wish I'd asked that as a childminder!

She's completely unreasonable and putting you in a position of either constantly having to find alternative childcare for a tired child or lying to her and being accused of not being honest.

I'd say' obviously I won't send her when she is ill but I can't get cover every time she has a bad night is that going to be a problem?"

2 pm is late for nap. I did 1-230 . She will adapt to nap change but earlier would be better. And if she is obviously tired at say 1 childminder should put her down early not make her stay up

I genuinely don't understand the appeal of childminders. Nurseries are always there, they usually have staffing allowance or cover staff to cover sickness. They have dedicated sleep rooms, feeding areas and about a zillion different opportunities for development and outside play, all within house. You don't have to worry about the nursery going on holiday or being sick, or creating unreasonable demands like the ones you're facing. Go down the nursery route, your baby will have a key staff member, low ratio (1:3) and be within an age appropriate environment.

For me, it was having something that was more of a family experience and, because numbers were limited, knowing that my child would have much more tailored attention. I was probably very lucky in finding a brilliant childminder who only ever had two or three charges at any one time plus her own older children. When my children were there they were like an extension of her family, she genuinely cared about them and they knew it - she still takes an interest to this day, years after she stopped looking after them. She was very reliable and I don't remember ever having any major problems with her being off sick.

The other children she looks after are 16 months and 3 years old so quite a bit older. She doesn’t do pick ups / drop offs. I think she gets the activities out the way first thing (play group) which is why my LO isn’t sleeping until after lunchtime at 1.30ish. She has a cough at the moment but I’ve spoken with 2 doctors this week who have said she’s fine, she’s teething and at the end of a virus with a lingering cough. She has no temperature, eating well and still playing. I was off with her yesterday and she was fine. I’ve received messages this morning from CM saying she is upset and unwell. Not sure what to do as I think this is a result of being tired not her cough.

Nurseries will take a child with a snivel, or who are upset because overtired. They take the time to understand the needs of a child..it sounds like the childminder isn't doing this and putting your child in the to hard pile because they don't know how to manage.

If it was me I would move them asap.

I used childminders for our now 4 year old, the first childminder we just couldn’t click with and our little one didn’t settle particularly well either, that seemed to be some inflexibility with her which made our child quite anxious.
We decided to switch to another, and we’ve never looked back, our child loves her and sees her as part of the family.
I would keep him off if poorly but if he’d had an unsettled night or no temperature but a snotty nose etc she would be flexible about what they did, and quite often they would go for a nature walk etc with the others so he could nap in a pram. I would either look for another childminder or if in short supply a nursery, your childminder doesn’t sound particularly caring or nurturing.

Sounds like my son's old school.
The teacher told me not to send him in if he didn't sleep all night (which was hardly ever).
He was having so much time off school at one point for not sleeping all night that I stopped telling them when he didn't sleep.

I would use a nursery - you need to be able to work!

Can you afford a nanny if you only need one part time? I'm one and we never take days off because the children are sick. We just alter our day. You could find a nanny share which would be cheaper with a child the same age so their routines will be similar. I've looked after many sick children and taken them to the doctor etc. we have a lot more flexibility.
I wouldn't use a childminder for the reasons you've stated.
I've also worked in nurseries and honestly I wouldn't recommend them for children under 18 months or ideally 2. They just don't get enough one to one attention and it can be very stressful for the babies. They find it difficult to sleep in a big room with others.
I feel your childminder is struggling with your baby who sounds like she hasn't settled well with her. Not baby's fault at all of course!

It sounds like this CM setting isn’t compatible with your baby’s needs. You both made a mistake here. Look for a better fit for your DD, a nursery with baby room, or a CM with a child closer to your baby’s age who can accommodate 2x naps.

Your kid is probably picking up colds etc at the childminder's - kids are germy! But it seems a bit rich for the CM to then not want to look after them. Full on streaming cold, then yes baby should he at home, but a bit sniffly or tired, they should he with the CM - that's her job!
Just ignore her and send baby anyway. And start looking for someone better.

Why can she nap more? A childminder has other children to meet the needs of they are not allowed to stop all plans and nurse a sick child if child needs extra sleep and cannot take part just like at school they stay home

I’m based in London so I’m not sure how hard it will be to transition - we plan on moving out of London early next year so I don’t want to move DD around another two times. I can’t afford a Nanny as the 15 hours funded really help me out. I think it’s a case of her being grouchy and tired as opposed to unwell enough to play. When she spends the other two days with grandparents she naps at 10am and 2pm. I think the CM is too used to having older children who are a little more self sufficient. I am really struggling during the working day feeling so guilty about not being able to look after her myself and wondering if I’ve made a bad decision with this CM. Thank you all for your comments

I can see this from both sides as I have been a registered childminder in the past and now use a childminder to care for my baby. She is being completely unreasonable. Find a childminder who is responsive to the needs of each individual child in their care. I personally chose a childminder rather than a nursery for a home from home setting for my baby. I also know ofsted are more interested in ensuring the needs of the child are met than having them all join in an activity. If a baby needs to sleep they need to sleep. Also, unless your baby is unwell, there is no reason not to take her. I think she’s just extremely lazy and wants an easy life to be honest. She is not cut out for childminding.

Don't let it put you off using a childminder when you move.

She sounds like she doesn't have the skills to manage the number of children she takes. Or the energy? I'm too tired to deal with three children of those ages now, but years ago, it wouldn't have been a problem.

Given how long it takes to sell/buy & move, I would look for a new CM now.

The cm absolutely should let her nap but that maybe in pushchair at group in the morning, how long has she been there?

To be honest I would start looking for a nursery with a baby room, even if you're moving next year. If baby is being kept awake until the afternoon she's going to be cranky and more prone to illness, because she's not sleeping enough. Hideous combo! The childminder can't be very experienced in caring for babies?

Mine dropped his morning nap at 14 months, but even after that he was often falling asleep in his lunch at midday. The nap slowly transitioned to early afternoon, but probably not until he was 18 months or even a bit older.

I’m a childminder and I don’t have any qualms about looking after a tired and cranky child. Sickness is a different matter, if they need calpol then they need to stay home. We are heading into the season that kids seem to be permanently sniffly, if I refused them all I would be out of a job 🤷🏼‍♀️. Usual colds are fine but if the child is miserable, feeling rotten and unable to join in then I would ask them to stay home. Obviously, I do have rules around infectious diseases, temperatures, D&v etc.

in regards to the napping, I usually can’t accommodate more than one dedicated nap in the cot at home. We are usually out and about in the morning at groups, parks or visiting places and it’s not fair on the rest of the children if we stay cooped up at home all day. I do however help a child nap in the buggy whilst we are out. I’m very open with parents about this though. Many childminders are the same, unfortunately if we offered multiple naps at home then the children wouldn’t have the chance to go out and about anywhere near as much as they do.

A childminder must have an area where babies sleep. A child who is napping is easy to look after and won't take away from the other children. In fact, leaves you more hands free. I've worked in childcare and we let babies nap when they needed to nap. I never had my own children in childcare of any kind, so maybe things have changed and it's more scheduled.

Sickness is another issue. Sick kids stay home.

Hey, OP, this isn’t your fault. You’re a first time Mum and you chose your CM in good faith. You’ve got done good advice here about your CM taking the mickey and what is reasonable. I’d be looking for another CM or nursery if it were me. Even if it’s just for a short time until you move. You know what to look for and Qs to ask: can you cater to my baby’s nap routine? What’s your strategy of babies are tired/grumpy? The answers should be yes and cater to their ever changing needs as much as possible bcos they’re babies.
For now though, please try to stand up to your lazy CM and tell her that you’ll be sending baby in unless she’s unwell.
Hugs to you, be gentle with yourself.