Is it wrong to look after two children whilst on maternity leave?

[ByPeachPombear]

Is it wrong to look after two children whilst on maternity leave?

I have a two and a half year old toddler and am soon to give birth to a further child. The two year old is currently in nursery two days a week. I currently work full time in a professional job and when the toddler is not in nursery I get help from my mother whilst I work from home.

When I give birth I will take a pretty long period of maternity leave. In this period I am expecting to both care for the new born baby and take more care of the toddler myself at home, without the current extensive help from my mother - to give my mother more time to herself.

I am now having certain members of my family tell me it wrong to care for two children at once, that maternity leave is for the care of the newborn and for post birth recovery - not for the care of the other child. They are saying that I should actually be increasing the days of nursery for the toddler - at some considerable extra expense to me.

I find this hard to reconcile with my view that there will be many mothers of multiple children who need to look after a newborn as well as their other younger children in the post-birth period, with no nursery and no problem - so why can't I? On my maternity leave I will essentially be in the same boat - with the added benefit of my toddler attending nursery two days a week.

I am being made to feel guilty for not increasing the days of nursery.

So - is it true that it is wrong to look after two children whilst on maternity leave?

Rubbish - plenty of people look after more than one child a a time!

I thought this was going to be about looking after someone else’s children on maternity leave. Obviously it’s fine to care for your own children! If you want to use a bit of help that’d fine too, but parents are fine caring for their own children

Of course it’s not true
i’ve read a load of batshit stuff on MN over the years and this is up there

They're loons. Of course you can look after both children, keeping the older one in nursery as much as you want to.

Most people have the older child at home, very few can afford childcare if they aren't working

Of course not. Your relatives are barking. It's a benefit to your toddler that you're going to have extra time with them, and to your mum to have more time. I'd definitely not be increasing toddler's nursery hours unless YOU find you need the break - having 2 small children is tough going. And it might help to not cancel your mum altogether, so that you can get a bit of help on one day.
This is my situation too. I am on maternity leave with 6mo and have a 2yo. Toddler is at nursery 2 days and my mum who used to have him 1 day whilst I worked now still comes on that day to help me out. Plus it's nice for the kids to see granny regularly. Then I'm on my own with both children 2 days.

Your relatives are crazy.
Frankly if you wanted you could spent your maternity leave in a desert island if you wanted. You could also get a full time nanny for both your children or have no help at all.
Its up to you how you spend your maternity leave.

Your relatives are being ridiculous. I know people who have kept older child in childcare during maternity leave so they wouldn't lose their child's spot or to get a break, but not because its wrong to look after 2 kids at once. Would your relatives expect a SAHP to have only 1 child with them and the other/s in childcare? I thought thus was going to be about you doing paid childcare while on mat leave or looking after someone else's kid which could be really tough, but your own are a different matter. I'd recommend not taking parenting advice from the crazy relatives.

Of course it's fine to look after your own DC on maternity leave. If you can afford it I'd recommend keeping the two nursery days for your DC so that you get a couple of days 1 on 1 time with your new baby and to keep the structure for your DC, but no need to up the nursery days.

Totally normal to look after both your kids, childcare is expensive. In my case there was a loophole at the time that my work still paid childcare vouchers, so I kept my oldest in nursery two days a week, but if there's nothing to pay towards the cost of childcare not many people could send their oldest to nursery/childminder.

I did increase nursery for ds1 when ds2 was born. Only because I was struggling and it helped ease the guilt of not giving ds1 as much attention/ time as before. Ds2 was born premature and had very bad reflux and constipation caused by reflux medication.

My now ex was not much help, and I was struggling. So I used kindle and nursery to help distract ds1.

That being said, when ds3 was born during the first lockdown. I took my dc back from dm house and back to mine. I took care of all three no problem. Both ds1 and ds2 qualified for keyworker nursery place then and got space. But then I went on early maternity leave to care for them at home and declined those spaces.

I would say don't make a stric plan and let life decide for you. For example if baby is easy and you heal well, no nursery. If baby is high maintenance or you are tried or you feel like it then there is no shame in getting paid for help.

Using maternity leave to strengthen the sibling bond between baby and older child is also important and necessary.

If you’d sent dc1 to nursery then I bet those relatives would have said “poor dc1 being sent away” when dc1 might be an age where they’d enjoy some older child activities there.

Really thought I’d heard every unsolicited opinion on parenting, but this one is new to me! What do they think stay at home mothers do with their older children when they have a newborn?

Never have I seen 100% agreement on a poll on MN. There’s usually the odd stray vote. If 100% of MN can agree, then your relatives are absolutely talking out of their arse.

Erm what do you think most people do! if your child is in nursery then it can be nice to have a break and 1:1 with the newborn, but pretty sad if that was a full time thing

Your relatives are talking out of an orifice not usually used for that purpose.

I took my eldest OUT of nursery when I was on mat leave for several reasons- to avoid the morning rush to nursery with a newborn to factor in, to save money, to reduce exposure to all the infections that seemed to be swirling round our nursery at the time, and because we knew we would be moving away in a few months anyway.

There were definitely days where I wished the eldest was off playing with her mates at nursery but it was lovely to be able to trundle round with them both at our own pace and enjoy time together, we went to groups etc so had a bit of a routine but by not paying out £££ for nursery we had a bit of spare money to be to take them both out to the farm for example.

I would keep the two days - it'll be good for your toddler to interact with other kids. He'll still have another five days to bond with sibling.

They're talking rubbish, many people take care of newborn + toddler sibling while on maternity. That said, it can be hard juggling so keeping some nursery days and having some help at home (from partner/mother) in the early days will likely help.

Who is "pressuring" you to increase nursery days and why do they think they have a say?

Of course you can look after both your children!

It’s totally not wrong but most people I know did keep toddlers in nursery for some days as otherwise they’d lose the nursery place and I can only imagine that there is even more pressure now given long wait lists and shortages of places. I do not know anyone who actually increases their days unless eldest was coming up to 3 and getting more hours subsidised or they were going to a pre-school in the year before school.

2 days will be fine. I did 3 and it was nice to have 1:1 care a few days a week and we all really enjoyed the nursery days. If I’m honest, I had visions of my two playing nicely and enjoying each others company but my eldest barely tolerated the youngest until she got more interesting at about 2. She much preferred nursery and being with her own friends. The 1:1 time was nice with the baby as she just had to follow eldest around on days I had them both at home and it was good to have time to do things just for the baby.

These relatives sound interesting. They make it sound as thought the toddler is in the way.

Yes your mat leave is the time you spend caring for your new baby. But it's also the time you take to nurture and grow into your new family dynamic.

Strange family you have that gives this advice, totally not wrong and could be damaging to toddler to ‘push them out’ when a new baby arrives. This is life , you’re at home, look after the children but keep the same routine for toddler enjoying nursery x

What the fuck! It was weird until a out 15 years ago to put a toddler into childcare whilst on mat leave. I never did with mine as it was a great opportunity to spend time with your children.

Your relatives are too fucking stupid to respond to. Don't reply to them and do not let them have a particularly influential position in your children's lives.