Paid childcare for 1st month or two after birth

[bluprince13]

We are a couple living in London. Recently found out that my wife is pregnant.

Our parents are both based outside the UK and are not healthy enough to come to the UK to help out. We don't have any family in the UK and we're reluctant to burden our friends as well. Our friends and parents have said that the first month or two after birth is the hardest. I could take the 1st month off to help myself, but I would have to go back to work after that.

I just wondered if any of you have managed through the 1-2 months without external help?

Also, is it possible to hire a part-time nanny or something - e.g. for 4 hours per day or something - just to keep the cost affordable? Has anyone done something like this for the first two months?

Any advice is appreciated!

The reason it's a bad idea to outsource care of a newborn is because we are animals and the process of bonding and building attachment with infants post birth is key. The process of caring for your newborn and meeting their needs is part of the attachment process. Paying someone else to do it is missing the point. By all means pay someone to do the boring chores to enable you to focus on the baby, but paying for care of the baby is focusing on the wrong thing.

What's going on this week with people wanting help to look after newborns? They want their mum. They have been inside her for 9 months. Dad is also ok, useful for bonding. No one else. They sleep like 17 hours of the day too for the first few weeks.

Just look after your brand new tiny helpless baby, for Christs sake.

That's not really your place to judge is it? If they want some help for whatever reason they are perfectly entitled to.

@bluprince13 most people manage just fine and the first 8 weeks are not necessarily the hardest .

I think it’s lovely that you’re trying think of ways to support your partner during the newborn months.

It’s great that you’re planning to take the 1st month off work, and I think it will really help you cement a bond with the baby. As for the 2nd month, I think most people get through it with little support. However, if money isn’t an issue then I think it’s a nice idea to have a nanny on hand for a day a week or something to give your partner a break and a nice rest.

I think a lot of the comments on here are quite bitter.

The ‘animal bond’ thing is a very dramatic way of seeing things. Please look up attachment theory because that’s not how it works. Baby will still have a close bond with its mother when periodically looked after by another individual. It’s not harmful or damaging, and to state otherwise is being fanatical about the ‘4th trimester’ theory. It took a community of people to assist with keeping a newborn alive during hunter-gatherer times, and I’m sure the baby would be passed to another for the mother to rest between feeds.

Being entitled to something doesn't automatically mean it's healthy, safe or a good idea. People are entitled to a lot of things that are objectively bad for them.

I agree with PP, practical household help will be really useful, if you can afford it. You won't want to be handing your newborn over to anyone else, including your parents if they were able, in those early weeks

We didn’t have any help and did it twice. My DH only got 2 weeks off both times. It was hard but we got through it.

I agree with household help if you can afford it. A cleaner would have been great.

This.

The baby is yours and your wife's responsibility. Anything else can be outsourced as per your income.

But honestly, most people manage. S months paternity leave is great, just make sure you're a decent man and you step up. You take the baby when you get in if she's feeling overwhelmed, don't go for a twenty minute poo. Text in the day to see how she is. Don't moan about the housework, just do it. Don't ask what she needs doing re housework, just do it.

I have a friend whose husband travelled for work from when thier baby was about 2 weeks old. She hired a local Doula who basically came around twice a week and did some basic chores and held the baby for a few hours so that mom could get some sleep.

This is no different to having a family member come help for a few hours.

Alternatively hiring a cleaner to come regularly (and help with laundry) is something to consider. Personally the hardest part for me was keeping on top of the housework and whilst also taking care of the baby.

I wouldn't have wanted childcare-but if I hadn't my had my mum I would have loved a cleaner/housekeeper!

I just wondered if any of you have managed through the 1-2 months without external help?

Is this a serious question!

I didn't even have my husband. He was in Afghanistan during the pregnancy birth and after but you are there? There are two of you?

Are you from a culture where the grandparents provide a lot of early support?

I have a few friends and colleagues from different cultures where the grandparents provide a lot of help in the first months.

Just trying to understand where you might be coming from

Honestly - I would just wait and see. Personally, apart from the sleep deprivation which was awful, I really found mine as newborns really easy. A bit boring but not difficult.

Toddlers on the other hand...

100%

Exactly this. I had mine when paternity pay wasn’t a thing, DH took a week or possibly two off. Certainly with the first one it was just lovely being with her, sleeping when she did. Another pair of hands wasn’t needed and would have been annoying.

What an unpleasant comment, and hilarious that you’ve tried to hide your nastiness ‘with respect.’

Good for you for finding ‘great joy’ whilst being exhausted and looking after a baby. Many people aren’t so lucky and find it excruciatingly difficult, with or without postpartum depression/anxiety issues. Why not pay for help if you have the means and no family around? Parents matter as well, and a deeply exhausted, possibly mentally unwell parent deserves help.

Yes we managed without any external help. Both of our families don't leave near us so it was just us. I wouldn't want anyone else looking after my baby when she was born. I think as other people have said if you can afford it then getting a cleaner in is a good idea.

Bonding with baby is really valuable. I had absolutely no help either and managed just fine, even with a very poorly baby. If you can afford it get help with cleaning, gardening, meals delivered etc and you and your wife focus on the baby,

Most people unless they are in the very wealthy bracket manage without paid help....or anything else until both parents are working. It's definitely the norm.

Having some help for a few hours a day, someone to take baby for a walk and pick up some groceries will not stop op or his wife from bonding with the baby.
I'd argue that giving mum a small amount of support a day will fill her cup, especially when dad goes back to work.
I think a lot of posts here are based on envy more than anything, which is quite sad.

The people asking are usually from cuktures where help is on tap and parents with newborns can rest and recover from the birth. Parents and friends from those cultures think that you cannot cope alone. But you can. I agree with the others - outsource everything else so that you can focus your efforts on the baby. However, if you have a full on job plus a baby with colic or who doesn't sleep, your wife may appreciate a couple of hours break so ahead can shower/ exercise ....

Lots of doulas offer post natal packages where they come for a few hours a day to support with practical things. That's often a more affordable option.

DH went back to work 2 days after my emergency c-section as he’s self employed.

When not feeding or changing nappies, I sat on the sofa cuddling with baby, did gentle walks around the block, and when he slept in bassinet next to me I tried to sleep/rest. I had post-partum insomnia which has permanently impacted my memory, but even in spite of that, I wouldn’t change anything and would never have had a night nanny or whatever. Looking after my gorgeous baby by myself gave me such confidence, and our bond is so strong. I got to know all his cues (hunger/toileting/reflux etc) as I was always with him, and we learned together about being a mum and a baby!

When DH came back from work he did all the housework apart from washing up. If you can afford a cleaner then do that.