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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Original poster

Changing childminders & current one is making it so hard for me

40 replies

InATizz · 02/04/2008 21:48

Hi, I just want to get this all out in the open....

I have had a childminder for ds now for 2.5 years (he is 3.5)

My dd never went to her as she had clubs etc after school & I was always home in time for her.

Now my circs have changed, I have changed jobs & will have longer hours therefore I need a minder for dd also.

This childminder has no room for dd and as I would like them both together (no seperate travelling/cheques etc) I have looked around, interviewed minders & finally chose one last week.

The thing is that the minder I have now is going OTT (I feel) with regards to ds moving on. She blames me for wanting my children together and has told me 3 times in the past 2 days that no minder would ever love ds the way she does She calls him 'her boy' and often tells me what food he likes/dislikes etc.. I feel she goes overboard by telling ds she loves him....

Of course I like the fact that she so obviously cares for ds, but I feel she is making everything harder than it should be.

Surely a minder should be used to children coming & going... she has changed children 3 times since I have been using her.. she keeps texting me saying I am breaking her heart.. I have spent the last 2 days in floods of tears at my new job thanks to the texts she's sending me.

Ds told me this evening that she was crying today and told him that she just needed to go to sleep

I have ordered flowers for her to be delivered on his last day but apart from that I don't know what I can do... I feel like shit.

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Original poster
InATizz · 02/04/2008 21:49

I am a regular poster, have namechanged as I have recommended this site to a local mum...

OP posts:
KatyMac · 02/04/2008 21:51

Write her a lovely reference (be as truthful as you can manage) enclose it with a note saying that she is putting you under too much pressure, unless she calms down - you won't be able to come back & visit

How long have you got to go?

AnotherFineMess · 02/04/2008 21:52

Woahh, you're better off out of this I think! She sounds not very well, especially the 'just need to sleep' comment.

As much as you would want your childminder to feel genuine affection for your child, when it comes to it, it is still a business arrangement.

CarGirl · 02/04/2008 21:55

she is being very unprofessional, I think I would be tempted to speed up ds exit, it is not fair on your ds to be subject to this kind of thing.

Original poster
InATizz · 02/04/2008 21:59

He leaves this Friday...

I am thinking of sending my sister to drop ds off on Friday, dh picks him up every day anyway. Would that be cowardly of me? I really can't afford to go into work with the face cried off me.

She really is making me all anxious & everything is changing for me at the minute... so I would've liked to remain friends with her for ds's sake, but I can't see this happening if she doesn't lay off with the pressure.

She text me there a while ago saying she hoped dh didn't think she was strange saying a quick goodbye to ds but said she was ready to weep.... dh said he never noticed anything. I can't be doing with this at nearly 10pm!

OP posts:
imananny · 03/04/2008 09:31

sorry she is making you feel like shit - you are not doing anything wrong. Any carer whether nanny/CM/nursery should be there to support the mum, esp if job circumstances change.

The needs of your children come first as of course they should be togther if possible - it doesnt make sense to have 2 different CM's.

A bunch of flowers and a thank you should be enoug,esp as she is making things difficult for you - tbh she sounds a bit unstable.

Maybe you could pop in thursday evening and say bye to her, and say sorry but you have to be in wrk early friday, thus your sister dropping ds off, this way you can say bye, go home have a blub, large glass of wine and cuddle with dh and then go to work friday morning with a happy face,

looneytune · 03/04/2008 09:35

at her behaviour, I really am!! I had tear the day my first ever mindee left and then when the baby I'd had from 5 weeks old left when she was 14 months old but my goodness, she sounds unstable as Imananny said!! I would never ever question a parents choice like that and make them feel bad and the texts at home are a bit scary if you ask me!!! Not sure what else to say as I'm just so shocked at her behaviour!!!

justaboutasleep · 03/04/2008 09:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
InATizz · 03/04/2008 13:40

Thanks ladies.

I had to take ds to the doctor today as he has been unwell for a wee while, he had a rash & no-one knew what it was.

The doc today said he would treat it as highly contagious as he didn't know what it was & said that ds shouldn't be near a nursery/other children until next week.

So instead of calling the minder I text her to let her know & so she could inform the other sets of parents to be on the lookout if their kids get spots/rash.

She never even replied, but I bet she is crying on the phone to someone.

I met a lady I barely recognise in thr shop this am. She patted ds's head & said how sorry she was to hear the minder was 'losing' him... so god knows how many people she has been crying to.

I have had a long chat with my MIL this morning & she is going to mind ds for the next few days until he is able to go to the new c/minder. I also called her & explained what's happening & she was lovely.

So does this mean that ds doesn't go back to the minder, as tomorrow was his last day? Or should I just go up myself & give her the cash she's owed for this week?

OP posts:
looneytune · 03/04/2008 13:54

Poor ds, hope he's ok. What's in your contract? Most childminders charge when mindee is ill as they can't fill the space. If this is in your contract which I expect it will be, then you'll owe her for this week as he is due to be there til Friday.

Weird woman though!!

BoysAreLikeDogs · 03/04/2008 13:59

The CM is behaving very unprofessionally.

Siblings should always be together where practicable, it's in their interests to stay together.

Pay what you are supposed to per your contract, you really don't want to prolong your contact with her.

Good job you are getting rid

crace · 03/04/2008 14:03

Holy moley she sounds round the bend! Not very helpful, sorry. When does he finish up with the current one?

crace · 03/04/2008 14:04

Oh sorry, didn't read through. Best wishes to you and hope ds gets better soon!

Original poster
InATizz · 03/04/2008 14:20

He was due to finish tomorrow.

I know I have to (and will) pay her for tomorrow even though ds won't be there.

But is it lusy of me not to take ds up for her to say goodbye?

I was up all night in tears, have an awful sore head today & my eyes are swollen up like god knows what!

My MIl said that she sounds quite unstable too, and when her last little girl left she kept telling me she cried for ages, but her mum was having a baby & the same reason..she had no room for the two kids.

Even the odd day she had my dd, she would treat them both so differently.... this new one seems much more professional.

OP posts:
looneytune · 03/04/2008 14:22

TBH, I wouldn't bother. She needs to get a grip and she's made you feel like crap so I personally wouldn't bother. I'm so on your behalf that she has treated you this way!

Anyway, time to go and get my 2 mindees up from their nap and rush off to school.

Good luck

crace · 03/04/2008 14:31

Goodness no don't bother! Don't be in tears about it, she is unstable and not worth getting you upset over

hecate · 03/04/2008 14:32

I actually think it is the best thing you can do to move him.

imananny · 03/04/2008 16:39

I met a lady I barely recognise in thr shop this am. She patted ds's head & said how sorry she was to hear the minder was 'losing' him... so god knows how many people she has been crying to.

OMG - to have a stranger say this to you, really makes you wonder what your CM has been saying - at the least she is unprofessional and def a bit bonkers/unstable

the spots/rash have come in time - hope nothing serious and praise the lord for nice mil's!!

if you dont want to see her then dont, get dh to drop round money tonight

Hope all goes well with new CM

Original poster
InATizz · 03/04/2008 17:08

Thanks.

The new c/minder had dd for a few hours this afternoon and they got on like a house on fire.

The new minder asked me how ds was & I said he's fine, but will just keep him away from other children... and I also said I must call old cm as she hadn't replied to my text so she might not have got it....

The new minder then said to me that she hated speaking out of turn but to watch the old cm as she had a bit of a reputation for going funny on people who left her care She said the last family (of the little girl I mentioned earlier) had threatend to report her if she didn't stop giving them hassle.... how could someone who is an excellent minder in every other respect, go so far to hurt the people she had helped out? I just don't get it. In a few short days she has gone from me holding her in very high esteem, to me hating her for making me feel like this

She still never replied to my earlier text, should I text again saying he won't be there tomorrow, or should I call her? Or leave it.

OP posts:
looneytune · 03/04/2008 17:27

Put money owed in envelope with note reminding her ds won't be there and post it through her letterbox. If she's been told in the past to stop hassling people, she knows she is being out of order so don't have anything more to do with the weirdo!!

crace · 03/04/2008 17:50

I am with LT, don't fuel the fire any more. Would be changing my mobile too! Yikes

Original poster
InATizz · 03/04/2008 17:54

I know what you're saying makes sense, but I always feel guilty..she was the first childminder I ever used.

OP posts:
looneytune · 03/04/2008 17:58

Don't feel guilty, the way she's behaving is imo reportable to Ofsted - very very unprofessional!!

As for WTC, there is an online calculator somewhere I think - not sure off hand.

nannynick · 03/04/2008 18:37

not sure about the WTC amounts. You could try going through the calculator at www.entitledto.co.uk which will do a basic calculation I think. Also try the HMRC Do I Qualify website.

nannynick · 03/04/2008 18:40

WTC5 is also a useful document to read, as it explains Childcare Element of WTC.
With one child, your Maximum weekly claim about is 80% of £175, which is £140.

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