Did you take your elder child out of nursery when going on 2nd mat leave?

[ohmysense]

My eldest is a toddler and at the moment he is at a private nursery full time. We're expecting a second child in a few months. I plan to take about 6 months maternity leave.
I am thinking of possibly moving my son to half days instead of full days at the nursery but my husband thinks it will be a struggle for me to cope with an infant and a toddler being alone at home (we don't have any family support, husband will be working full time outside of the house).
What was your experience of navigating being parents of two?..

No because my elder child had a lot of time with just me and I thought it was fair that the second one should too.

I did change his hours - we got 2yo funding as he is adopted and this meant we got more hours funded, so I think I was going to halve his hours but I ended up doing 3/4 of what he had originally (I was working 4 days when we adopted no 2, so he went in 3 of those days instead of 2).

No. He had stability, time to play with friends his own age, and a structured day. I had time with my new baby and was able to get the occasional day time nap. I also knew if we withdrew him, his place would be taken and we wouldn't necessarily get him back in after mat leave. I would only have withdrawn him if I knew I was not going back to work and wouldn't need the nursery place back again.

I dropped mine from 4 to 2 days. I couldn’t justify the full cost of 4 days tbh. Same as you no family support. It was hard going but I’m through it now and back at work!

my nursery had an option to add on ad-hoc days as well if that’s an option you could explore?

No I wouldn’t cancel unless you have to.

That way you can rest, spend time with baby and get some boring stuff done still. You can always drop him a bit later and collect earlier than if at work ie 9-3.30pm rather than 8-5pm.

I did. Mostly because we moved house when the 2nd was born and I didn't have a local nursery place for ds1.
I really wish he did have a place/ I had been able to keep him where he was. It was really hard minding a new born and a nearly 3 year old who had been very used to undivided attention. Even though DS1 is lovely and coped well, I found it tough going, I was so tired.
I would definitely keep at least part time.
Maybe not full time if I didn't have to, but whatever works for you.

Nursery was closed due to covid.

So I had two under two and two age three. Don't ask.

It nearly broke me.

The advantage being less bugs. That's it.

Other than that it was a battle for survival.

My oldest stayed in 3 days per week. I really appreciated it. If finances allow, I would keep at least some childcare for the toddler. Gives baby some undivided attention and you a bit more of a chance to rest and recover.

I'm expecting twins in April and we don't plan to take DS out of nursery at all mainly because I don't want to lose his full time space but also because I think it will be good for him to stay in his usual routine.

I'll be going back after 3 months so it also doesn't feel necessary since I take shorter maternity leaves.

No, I kept mine in, though he was doing 3 days not 5. It meant I got solo time with the baby, and he got more age-appropriate simulation and interaction instead of just watching me bf all day.

I would suggest that if you do reduce his hours, you keep it as full days but do fewer of them, rather than going to half days - gives you more flexibility to do things and not be constantly clock-watching for pickup time

Definitely don't feel guilty for keeping him in childcare! Having a toddler and a newborn is hard work so you'll need the break. That said, my toddler is only part time as I didn't want her feeling left out (as she knows I'm at home with her brother). I also want her to have time with her brother right from birth to get used to him and share experiences together. But that's my choice. It's equally ok if you want to have more one-to-one time with baby before returning to work. Basically, do what feels right for you and what suits your family. And most of all, never feel guilty!

Kept her in her usual four days and deeply regretted not bumping her up to full time. I hated every inch of parenting two children with incompatible needs. Still do! It’s impossible, someone’s always crying, usually me.

DS has carried on with three days a week. I did consider dropping him to two, and I’m so glad I didn’t! He’s lovely, his sister is lovely but it’s such hard work on the days I have them both. And after the shadow of Covid and lockdown (DS was born December 2020) I wanted to enjoy this second maternity leave, not just survive throughout it.

I took mine out (she was 20 months old) as nursery costs were so high - if money was no issue I would have left her in 2 days a week.

It was fine. Days were more planned around my toddler than my baby, but they both enjoyed it and I took longer off the second time due to costs of two in childcare! I wouldn't have wanted her in nursery full time when I was home for sure but a bit of time with just one would have been nice!

@spitefulandbadgrammar I've found it's definitely impossible to leave the house with a toddler and newborn without at least one of us crying. And you're right, it's usually me! Two kids is fucking hard work

I'd reduce to 3 days rather than half days. with half days you'll hardly feel like you've got home before going back for him.

DS1 stayed in 3 full days, I dropped off later, about 8:30/9ish and picked him up earlier than he was used to - around 4ish rather than 530 and it was perfect.

I would reduce his hours so he goes three mornings.

My DC will get 30 hours free when baby would be born. I think it would be good to just keep DC1 in nursery with those hours. Did any of you took your DC out of nursery despite getting 30 hours free?

Slightly different scenario because we had a shared nanny, but we kept up full hours partially to give me a break and allow me to spend time with the baby, partially so we could retain our beloved nanny for when I went back to work, and partially so DC1 could spend time with their little buddies and do lots of fun stuff. Not infrequently the baby and I spent all or part of the day hanging out with DC1 and the nanny anyway. It was expensive, but no regrets.

We reduced DS1 to 3 days from 5.

To be honest, the days when I had them both were mostly mayhem and stress, interspersed with the occasional sweet moments.

It was over covid so all a bit messy but I put my older one in when I could. Everyone was happier - toddler got more activities than sleep-deprived mum was capable of, baby got 1:1 time, I got to nap when the baby napped, and did some baby classes.

Id do fewer whole days though - a half day absolutely flies by!

Absolutely not. I wouldn’t do anything that would destabilise her routine, make my life harder, risk not being able to get the hours back at the end of the 6 months and since she was in her final nursery year also risk her readiness for school.

If you choose to cut down, half days sound like the worst of the worst as it’ll be all the palava of getting everyone ready to go, then you get home and you’ve only got a couple of hours before you have to go out again and I would personally find it disruptive to feeding and naps. Instead I would do 3-4 full days.

I kind of find the opposite: when we’re in the house DD wants to nap but DS is so noisy, or she’s crying and he’s wanting attention. I felt so bad yesterday as she just wouldn’t let me put her down for ages (I ended up cooking dinner one handed - wasn’t too bad although the onion wasn’t very well sliced!) and he was watching Bing looking all forlorn

Out of the house isn’t too bad as I can have DD in a carrier and chat to DS. But it’s hard finding things to do in the poor weather.

We reduced from full time hours to afternoons only to reduce the cost.

I’m due no.2 in a few weeks and we’re keeping our hours the same until the baby is here and we see how we get on. We might end up not sending him gif all the hours he’s booked in for but I’d rather have the option. If you can afford to keep the flexibility then I would do that.

Yes, out of the house was all right in newborn days when DS would sleep anywhere in anything; though knackering. It was shit at home when he wanted to sleep on me in a dark room, but couldn’t; remained shit even when we got him doing cot naps because DD would inevitably need something while I was settling him, or want to go out but he decided he liked cot better than pram. Even worse once he started weaning and got hungry at different intervals to her; sometimes it get like a brutal physical assault course: cluster feed the baby while also kneeling and playing Lego then change a poo nappy while frantically shouting “yes, in a minute” then make lunch while bouncing the sling then then then then. My Touch ID stopped working on iPhone because my fingers were so dehydrated from the breastfeeding/no time to drink, eat, wee combo. Don’t underestimate how much the big one will suddenly stop being independent and playing solo and want to be on/near you ALL THE TIME.