Live in Nanny

[Winniethepig]

So we have a live in nanny / au pair, and while she is nice enough she is starting to get on my nerves a bit. We just don't have the right personality set up and she keeps doing weird things like gravitating towards mg husband to ask him things and keeps calling him "love".

I don't want her living with us anymore but live out isn't an option for her and she doesn't know anyone, have any friends here or any life skills (she's mid 20's) but a bit hopeless with most things.

What would be a reasonable departure package? She's out here on a working Visa and has 10 months left.

Any advice welcome x

Awkward! Is she here because of you? If not, I guess a month is OK? I'm not paranoid like most on MN but she may have her sights set on your husband! Maybe set some boundaries

She is here because of us yes. Hence the question, we thought it would work out but I'm finding it not working at all.

I thought potentially paying her three months wage plus her flight home?

I see, well that makes it more ethically difficult. Is it worth talking to her first about the issues. Maybe it's a cultural difference, perhaps give her another chance and then if it doesn't work out, help her find another job?

I would pay for her flight home.

I'd just say it isn't working out and give a month's notice. I can't imagine she'll have an issue finding something else...

A Month notice and flight home is fair

Maybe live in isnt for you

Why did you chose a live in nanny rather then live out ? Cost?

If you got her from an au pair agency they should be able to place her elsewhere and potentially also find you a replacement. Sometimes these placements don’t work out for any number of reasons so I wouldn’t give up just because the first one wasn’t right

No agency involved and we flew her out / got her visa. She's not taking feedback well and cries whenever we suggest things like that we have a more regimented cleaning roster etc.

Found her outside pacing, talking to herself and crying over the above yesterday.

Plus, she's always always here, I know its her house too but she's supposed to be on a working holiday, shouldn't she be out and about more? Instead she sits around the house when not working and my husband and I feel like we have absolutely no space / privacy.

I know some of this was likely to be an issue and we thought that before agreed, but we didn't think it would be this bad.

Thinking of talking to her more about it on Monday and suggested we shorten the length of her stay and just say we genuinely can't do live in anymore because it doesn't suit us as a married couple.

I'm a bit worried she's going to take it very very badly, she relies on her mum for almost everything and I have become her de facto mother having to cook all her dinners and manage her emotions. Its all getting a bit much.

Chose live in because we know her and she doesn't have anyone out here, also cost was a benefit but primarily necessity for her. I don't think we would have need for a nanny post her leaving anyway, as we could have our children in nursery.

I've let mine go after 3 weeks.

It was like having another child. She would just sit on TikTok unless I asked: can you please attend to my screaming child as I'm making dinner for us all?
And many other things.

She wasn't on a visa and I didn't pay for her flight home but I did pay her 2 weeks extra which I think was generous.

At the end of the day the level of service was unacceptable. Wasted everyone's time and energy. And money 😪

I was fair and explained my reasons thoroughly and spoke kindly etc.

I don't get why you chose a live in au pair if could have used nursery

Not sure if she of your children but au pairs aren't meant to look after under 3

And assume if nursery they are young

Yes they come over here to learn another language - au pairs usually do lessons during the day and childcare /light housework 7/9 3/6 so 5/6hrs a day

If you invite someone to live in , it's their home and they will be in your space as such

Not all go out - as a nanny I didn't always want to go out after work - I was tired

As I said sounds like living in isn't for you

So a months notice and a flight home is fair

We also recently let one go for similar reasons. She was our first au pair and we thought it would be helpful to have an extra pair of hands to help out at home and instead it was like having another child to look after, except this one didn't have an early bedtime so DP and I never had time alone. She wouldn't even clean or tidy up after herself never mind the kids so I'd come home from work to her piles of dirty dishes that she expected someone else to clean for her. We had to raise this with her too many times to the point it just became uncomfortable and would really piss me off. She also was overly controlling with the kids and spoke to them in ways I wasn't happy with. I'm a teacher and can be pretty firm but she could be quite aggressive with how she spoke to them even when it was totally unnecessary. That was just the tip of the iceberg so after having a number of conversations with her about expectations how to care for and speak to children, etc, we cut the time short with about 6 weeks notice. We left things on good terms though but feel so much more relaxed at home without her around.

God the TikTok, and also everything no matter what it is is "so random"

I know my kids will like this eventually, I just don't need it at the same time as the toddlers.

In our case 'hectic' was an answer to anything that was said I really wouldn't mind it if she would have been a hard worker!

I Remember going out for breakfast and obviously paying for her so it was double of what I'd normally spend, and there was no thank you either. I remember thinking 'this Au pair adds nothing to my life'.

Her eating habits were really diff to ours; she always needed crisps, chocolate, like she'd eat two packets a day at least. The shopping bill was huge and it was all different foods to us.

We really did want it to work though. We travel overseas a lot for work and would have loved having a helping hand to come and join us. Unfortunately I think she just saw this as a travel opportunity without thinking she'd need to work for it n

@elodiesmith the ethical dilemma I have is that I can see she is a very fragile person, with lots of anxieties, fears and insecurities, just mentioning a cleaning roster sent her off rails.

So I'm going to have to think so very carefully about how I handle it.

God and the eating habits, it's exactly the same. She just eats the worst foods and wants so much soft drink. It's crazy. I feel so bad for venting about. Some days I literally don't want to be in the house because of it.

Thanks for the hectic vent @elodiesmith 🤗

What does your contract say about termination?

It doesn't say anything, we just had three month date range. Hence why I think I need to potential make her whole, payout the remaining at the least.

If she is emotionally fragile, you dont want her in charge of small dc. Tell her you dont need in home help at all any more and your circumstances have changed even though she is lovely. Buy her a plane ticket home, call her Mum and explain and then take her to the airport with a big bag of chocs, a thank you card from the dc and between 1 and 3 months pay depending on how much you dont want a scene. I would move fast, there is no point in having this hanging over you all, as your decision has essentially been made and it sounds like she isnt coping well and it would be irresponsible to leave small dc alone with someone who is struggling.

Does it really 'send her off the rails' or is she just a lazy blighter who doesn't like the idea of being pinned down to doing cleaning jobs? I might be overly cynical. But she sounds awful. I think giving her notice and paying for her flight home is very fair.

This exactly. She clearly isn’t coping well right now, so treat her as you would a distressed teen rather than an adult.

3 months is over generous I think - 6 weeks plenty, 2 months generous.

Aim for her to be gone in the next few days.

@1000yellowdaisies

I think she genuinely is fragile, but also probably has been very cosseted and never had to clean a house or cook. Probably a lazy element as well, her mum did everything for her and she ate only take away food before coming to us.

Might be worth chalking this one up as a loss, and when recruiting the next one really drill into their ideas of what the job actually entails.

or before the above you could sit her down with a job description and discuss with her what she thinks she should be doing in return for the board, food and payment she receives….(even if it does send her off the rails!)

I think as long as you pay for (and maybe book) her flight and take her to the airport then that's fine. You just need to get her back to her mum by the sound of things.Three months pay would be generous if you can stretch to it.

Yeah I don't think I would want another one tbh, I'd prefer to cope and hire a babysitter as and when.

Thanks so much for the advice here, so helpful