Dismissed our nanny - strange attitude - what do you think?

[lisalisa]

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I would say that you had concerns about various things but couldn't prove anything. Then prospective employer asks you say "I couldn't prove it but...." That should be sufficient to cover you because you haven't stated anything outright, but your concerns are (I assume) reasonable.

You say he is a trusting soul. If you tell him nanny is coming soon and she doesn't he will learn to trust no one.

since ds and the nanny are so close, I really think you should signpost this change in his life and let him know beforehand ('Nanny's leaving us today, she has to go back to her own mummy and daddy'), so he can say goodbye to her properly.

I'd tell the nanny you are going to do this, and ensure she is nice and positive and up about it, too.

It'll help him get his head around it properly, surely? Rather than her just disappearing, and him having to ask you where she has gone before he finds out? That has the potential to be much more upsetting, I'd have thought.

Also he will look to you and the nanny for clues as to how to behave, and the more confident you and she are about it, the easier he will find it to adjust.

He's tiny, he will adjust easily, but best to be honest about this sort of thing imo

You are worried she will take your son with her?

Where is your MIL? Is she at the house with your child and the nanny?

For the reference, I would write one that is honest, says what good things you can say about her, but leaves gaping holes and put your phone number on it for a contact. When they call, spill the beans. Everyone knows you get the real truth in the phone call, not in the written reference.

Good luck, Lisa! She sounds truly awful. Your DS will be better off with someone else. Remember that you are doing this for him and try not to frett about the immediate sadness he may experience.

I agree with everyone else who says you have to tell your DS the truth. You are his world not the nanny, and if he can't rely on you to be honest then this will affect him more than nanny leaving. He needs to grow up to trust that even when things are tough you will be there to support him and be honest with him. Even if you don't think he will "understand" what you are saying, you have to tell the truth as he will sense a lie a mile off and thats so much more damaging to a child. He obviously loves his nanny and he deserves to know that she is leaving and he deserves to have the opportunity to say a proper goodbye, even if its just a hug and kiss. Yes he will ask questions, yes he will miss her, yes there will be tears, but you as his mother will be there to comfort him and you owe him the truth so he will always know you are honest. Please don't lie, even if you think it's for his best interest, lying to a child about someone they love is just plain wrong. Ok she is "just" the nanny, but they share a bond and that relationship deserves proper, sensitive, honest handling.

If you're worried about what to say in a reference, you should simply write something along the lines of:

I can confirm that Ms X worked for me from x/x/0x until x/x/0x. During this period she developed a very close relationship with my son. She has left to pursue other career option. Should I have the opportunity, I would not re-employ her.

Nothing bad said, but makes it very clear that you weren't happy.

(But probably best to check this with the legal eagles first!)

I think I;d tone that down a bit: I can confirm that Ms X worked for me from x/x/0x until x/x/0x. During this period she developed a very close relationship with my son. She is unlikely to work for me again.

Tips the reader off to think hmmm why is she unlikely to work for you. But, still doesn't say anything that could be construed as slander.

Your jewellery will not be that bulky.

I don't give written references. There is no need and they could be faked anyway. I am happy for anyone to phone me, but with the nanny I had issues with, I eventually concluded that the only thing I could say without risk was that she had worked for me for 2 months and that I would not hire her again.

Oh and if she has been stealing, do check the phone bill online before she leaves. The last week of employment is prime time for spending hours on the phone to Australia and leaving you with a thumping great bill.

I swear to goodness he will be SOOOO chilled out about it. We had to let our amazing nanny go when DH got made redundant whilst I was right at the beginning of my maternity leave with new DS. DD 2.6 utterly adored her. But she was far more excited that Daddy and Mummy were at home with her, and we just said that Daddy and Mummy will be looking after her now but that we'll still see Nanny X on special occasions (it was a nanny share, so friends still hire her). I know this is slightly diff to your situation, but truth is she has only seen her x-nanny twice in nearly 6 months. She NEVER mentioned once where was Nanny X, or that she missed her. And she was all she had ever known for day care in the week since 6 months old. If MIL is really coming to do the childcare, then your DS will be so excited. Good luck, and try not to worry, or make a big deal of it. Toddlers barely bat and eyelid when a grandparent dies (IME), so the loss of a nanny won't be as traumatic as you are expecting, I promise. Good luck.

I would give a completely neutral reference & include a phone number.

I've had this done to me: I was working as a bar & restaurant manager about 15 years ago. Owner made my position untenable by replacing 2 excellent members of staff with her student daughters for the summer season - they were lazy, arrogant, incompetent & robbing her blind - & she chose to believe that the sudden cash discrepancies were down to me & the other staff.

I walked out in the end - right at the start of the busy season, & taking several other members of staff with me...her written reference said something like 'Cabinfever has worked for me from xxx to xxx. Please phone me for a further reference'

Luckily I never needed to use it! But I think that's probably as much as you need to say to make it clear that her employment didn't end on a positive note...

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blimey, you must be shocked? I would be, no wonder she's been so 'happy', she knows she'll be seeing you sooner rather than later.

Or maybe I am too imaginative?

This will therefore mean that she will bump into your ds?

How do you feel about that with regards to him being able to let go of her emotionally? Wonder if she has another job nearby then, is that what you mean that she is nannying for someone down the road?

I remember the ghost thread, but never heard the outcome, was it her all along???

You know your son - but really I wouldn't spring it on him on her last day, really I wouldn't.

I would give him advance warning today (would myself have gone for earlier, though not more than a few days more, as he's so little), and arrange with them both (nanny and ds) that on her last day with him they do something really special - I think in these circumstances the mixed message of happy (special event) and sad (saying goodbye) is GOOD. It means you are creating a memory for him which isn't just of loss. Also then if there are over the top emotions - her crying, etc. - the happy special something can balance it out a bit. It doesn't matter if it's all a bit melodramatic - everyone will weather that in the long run. But I think it does matter that there is a happy memory built in.

The way you're planning to do the aftermath is fine. But, as is possibly a bit obvious, I do feel rather strongly about the advance planning.

I don't like how this is panning out with the nanny.

I agree that there needs to be a build up. Is the last day tmw? Can MIL be there?

I had the locks changed after my nanny left (I only ever employed the one nanny). Might be worth it for peace of mind in your situation.
We had various "suspicions" but just said we were letting her go as my work arrangements had changed. We didnt give her much notice but paid her her full month's notice period. She demanded redundancy pay - this is due if she has been working for you for more than two years I think - so check your dates carefully. It was one week's pay for every year worked. I paid it to her to save any arguments.

DC made cards to say goodbye (aged 3) and did talk about her for a while but they were fine.

Sounds very, very odd - why didn't she tell you of house move till now?

Is this the same nanny who told you of overthrown cot after spooky dog "sighting" by your DS?

I would keep a very close eye on all your family - especially your DS.

I ask again, is your MIL still there to help?

Also, her partner organised where they'll be living with NO input from her? Bullshit.

LL, obviously I realise you won't be taking any advice from me again and I don't blame you, but I wouldn't be letting DS spend time at old nanny's new house if I was you.

Um...you give her notice and suddenly she is moving onto the street and putting her child in the same schools as yours...is this a bit, well alarming? Of all the places and schools to pick...sounds like she knew you would give her the push a while ago, do you know who employed her before you did?

On references, if you put "I would be very happy to discuss on the phone" and put your phone number this will alert potential employers that you have much more to say.

I think it is time this nanny went home. Alone.