Dismissed our nanny - strange attitude - what do you think?

[lisalisa]

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Dear DS:

You know I told you yesterday that Nanny lives with her grandparents? Well she wants to spend more time with them, just like Granny is going to spend more time with us. So Nanny won't be here with us because her grandparents want to see her more. We need to help Nanny by telling her how much we loved having her here and we will think of her lots. It is OK to miss her you know. We can talk about her if you want, when ever. But won't it be lovely to have Granny here? Granny wants to do lots of lovely things with you.

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am feeling confused by you op. why would it be better to say she has gone on holiday?? when people go on holiday they come back and carry on with their jobs.... if you want him to understand what is happening then he needs to understand SHE WILL NOT BE COMING TO LOOK AFTER HIM ANY MORE.....

there was a lot of research in the 50's and 60's about how children form secure attachments ansd their behaviours if they are "abandoned" by those to whom they are attached.

but you know now!

Of course you don't want him to be distressed. But children don't deal well with a feeling that the adults in their lives can't be trusted to tell them the truth. I don't see what's wrong with telling him she has gone home to her own house.

When I say that children stop asking for other reasons than just 'forgetting' I am thinking of the many children ( of all ages) that I have dealt with as a social worker and who I have witnessed trying to make sense of very difficult, distressing situations and I have seen them asking their parents/carers questions and I have seen them 'give up' when they are not met with as much honesty as possible. I've been able to assess that the giving up is not likely to come from any other motivation than their confusion and their realisation that it's pointless to keep asking. Children of ANY age IME rarely 'forget' to ask about events that are important to them.

lisalisa - it's not telling him that will break his little heart - it's the fact that she won;t be looking after him any more.

you've taken the decision that she's not going to look after him - and have good reasons to have done so. his little heart will mend very quickly - but it will take longer if you compound heart-break by adding confusion and deceit into the mix. just tell him. he'll get over it much more easily if you do.

Motherhurdicure - your post makes me feel very guilty about the lie I told as an au pair 25 years ago; that my mum had had a heart attack and I needed to go home... I wept and everything. I'm sure they knew I was faking and at the time I had no idea that that was the classic au pair excuse for terminating employment....

Lisa you need to tell him. My circumstances have changed now and I work at home pt, but until 18m ago I had a nanny for my four children who'd been with us 10 years. The older 3 were at school, but my youngest was 2.3 when she told us she was pregnant. originally she was going to come back after mat leave, but changed her mind. Actually I'd had an inkling she would...so kept telling ds3 that B would be back to see him sometimes after the baby was born. soon that was changed kindly but firmly to "B can't look after you any more but she thinks about you a lot". Then i introduced comments like "No, B won't be here today. she's busy and I'm looking after you all day now. Shall we get the duplo out now and build a farm ?"

Slightly different to you, but I felt strongly my little boy had to be told the truth. We see b 2 or 3 times a year but ds3 was as happy as was to be expected about the change. I won't say he didn't miss her and that he showed this through a spell of bad behaviour, but his heart wasn't broken and he is a happy sunny little boy now aged just 4. He saw B 5 days a week throughout his life - she met him when he was just a few days old ! There was therefore a strong bond, but he coped.

I know how you feel; i'm not having any more either. ds3 is my baby and much adored by everybody.

Why not tell him that she has to look after her little girl now and the Granny will be playing with him every day now instead?
I've never been in a situation exactly like yours but this is the type of explanation that I know my DS would have been able to make sense of and accept as fair when he was a young 2 yr old. Maybe it'd be a nice simple story for him to understand?

Lisalisa, on the relaxed about leaving your house front, that would disturb me.

Could you give her a gentle reminder by offering to drop her off on the last day? And ask her how many bags she has to take with her. Remember to take the keys off her. Change the burglar alarm code.

I think that would be a good policy actually to 'escort' her out of the house seeing that you have suspicions about her thievery. If you have not barred overseas/premium number phone calls, I would do so and call the phone company to check unbilled phone bills. Hide/lock up all jewellery, cash and valuables. Do a quick recce before she leaves - eg all laptops, tomtom accounted for.

I admit I am a bit paranoid. Once I have sacked someone who is live-in, I would rather pay for them to leave asap, than have them serve out a notice.

Show him the film "Mary Poppins" Kids love it at a surprisingly young age.

When DS was born and DD was 2.1 our nanny left. I thought DD was going to be heart brokenand really worried about it. On the day, nanny packed her things and was picked up while I was in the shower and (odly) didn't say goodbye. So, about an hour later, DD walked into nanny's empty room, and I stood there waiting for floods of tears, and she looked around and said ver matter of factly "Nanny gone." and walked out. Never mentioned her again. It was all very delfating (but in a good way). I was really worried for nothing. There was no trauma. Kids are definitely more resilient than we give them credit for. She now takes the nanny turnover is stride and we talk about looking for the next one and we have fun picking up the next one at the airpoert. I tell her she is getting a new nanny, and I show her pictures and ask which one she likes. It's is strangely similar to when we shop on e-bay together.

As for what to tell him, just say she's gone on a trip. You don't know when she's coming back. But, I agree, don't tell him she is looking after someone else. Maybe arrange for her to come back and see him in a couple weeks say to babysit? Then he'll get used to her not being around yet at the same time have something to look forward to. It might also keep her from doing anything too horrific in her last hour if she thinks she is going to see you again.

You say that your nanny has been with you for 2 years, so she does have a number of employment rights. I assume that you are totally happy that you have fully complied with any relevant emplyment law? I know that it has been drummed into me for a number of years by HR professionals that if I have good reasons for wanting to get rid of someone (eg incompentency, theft, unreliability) then it has to be dealt with properly and that I shouldn't just use the next reorganisation (about once every 2 years or so!) as an excuse.

You have actually made her redundant, have you not? Make sure she doesn't come after you for redundancy pay.

Hmm. Good point, BIWI. And hello, BTW.

Yes. She may be relaxed because she's already planning the tribunal hearing.

lisalisa. I would get some advice re employment law.

I think the advice you've had to tell your son that your nanny has gone to look after some other children who need her is good.

Regarding the issue of trustworthiness, why don't you just put her straight onto 'gardening leave' without any notice for the last week so that she can't do anything unpleasant before she goes. You could just say that your giving her the last week as holiday on full pay to thank her for all her work during the last 2 years. That would solve the problem in a nice way.

I can't help with any employment rights that she may or may not have. You haven't been through any disciplinary proceedings or dismissed her you've just ended her contract and this is done now in anycase and you can't put the clock back. In a way all nannying contracts are temporary because the children grow up. It might be worth checking your position though because if she's planning to come after you then an appearance at an IT could possibly be averted by giving her any money she's due on her last day.

I'm not sure I agree it's good advice to tell the little boy concerned that she's gone to look after some other child or children.

I think it's enough to say that she her job has ended and she's gone home to her own house.

A 2 year old may well not make the link between her going, and her carrying on as a nanny for someone else; I don't think it's necessary to introduce that idea to him as it could be very upsetting. If he asks I wouldn't lie (I'd just say I don't know what her job is now, but perhaps she's still a nanny) but I am not sure a child of this age will ask.

Agree that gardening leave sounds a good idea. I would just plan a goodbye for them and leave it at that and let her go as early as poss

lisalisa, I was brought up with nannies and so were all my siblings. I can genuinely tell you that it's nothing like as much of a trauma for the children when they leave as parents think it is.

If you just tell the kids that 'nanny is gone now, granny is here' he really will be fine. He will be much much more hurt when he realises you are lying to him.

If you want to make it even easier for him ask the nanny if you can phone her occasionally for the first few months - that way you can tell your ds 'she's gone but if you want you can talk to her on the phone'. Chances are he never will ask to but if he does it could help the transition.

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She is not his world. YOU ARE. You will do more damage but not being straight than you will do by tellling the truth. I can see both sides as I was a nanny and am now a mum but all my charges were told I was going and it was best all round.

Is there any way she could go now and MIL step in? If you don't trust her I don't see why she is still with your child tbh.