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Original poster

Childcare Dilemma

53 replies

objectivebread · 29/12/2022 10:04

My husband and I are expecting our son in May, after 6 months mat leave I plan to return to my job full time and there has been some family discussion around childcare. MIL and FIL insist on helping us by having baby 1-2 days a week if not more, the issue is their house is unclean to the point that it's an environmental hazard, housing association replaced their kitchen because their two dogs pissed on the floor that much it rotted. They do not clean, vacuum or look after the place. The carpets are black with dirt. They smoke so much the ceilings are yellow and everything stinks of smoke the moment you enter and leave. There is black mold from the house not being heated adequately and ventilated enough.

I cannot in my right mind let them look after my baby, I just feel sick thinking about it. Tummy time would be a nightmare unless baby is on a new rug and stays there all day. I have mentioned this quite frankly to them and they say they will sort it, but I really don't think 40 years of habitual general uncleanliness is going to suddenly change.

They abused by husband and his siblings when they were little, and my husband is a wreck from it still. I won't go into detail just know it's bad, it is not sexual abuse, it was drug abuse (they were addicts) physical beatings, prolonged starvation and neglect. I am uncomfortable even being around them let alone letting them baby sit. (I understand if some of you say, "well why even speak to them etc" it is very complex, they are still in his life very much so and have 'made amends' but I don't think amends can be made for what they did.

It's not even a question in my mind that they will not be around my child without supervision from myself and my husband. My husband does think they have changed and would be adequate babysitters which just blows my mind he would make that assessment. He thinks they want to be grandparents so badly they have changed as people and will not harm our kid.

I personally just want to put my child in nursery or with a childminder when I go back to work, this all seems insane to me. Husband is supportive of both options but also wants his parents to very much have a bond with their grandchild.

What would you do in this situation?

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Riskofbeingsued · 29/12/2022 11:19

Even just the smoking is reason enough for them not to look after your child.

Ihatethenewlook · 29/12/2022 11:20

How does he know they’ve changed exactly? How many young babies/vulnerable children has he seen them take care of over the last few years where they’ve proved that they are now responsible of taking care of one properly? I’m guessing none. They’ve just not had the opportunity to abuse anymore children as theirs are now adults. They’ve already refused to even attempt to change their living conditions to make the environment more pleasant, let alone safe for a baby. No way would I be allowing them to use my baby as an attempt to prove they can now take care of one without abusing or neglecting it. The smoking alone would stop me even entering the property for a visit with my baby.

Cococomelon · 29/12/2022 11:23

You clearly have made up your mind so not sure why you need Mumsnet to validate that for you. I would send my child to nursery. If they clean up properly and the house stays clean and they show over a period of time they have changed maybe then you will reconsider but until then I would say no.

BabyMoonPie · 29/12/2022 11:24

Riskofbeingsued · 29/12/2022 11:19

Even just the smoking is reason enough for them not to look after your child.

This is what I was going to say. My baby wouldn't be going into a house where people smoke and definitely wouldn't be spending 1 or 2 full days there every week at 6 months.

Caterina99 · 29/12/2022 12:07

Absolutely no way

They are not capable of caring for a child. End of discussion. They couldn’t care for your DH adequately, so why would they be able to look after a baby 30 years later?

They can still see you, in your home, and supervised. Maybe they could take baby for a walk in the pram or to the park when older (IF you are ok with that), but no prolonged unsupervised care

upfucked · 29/12/2022 12:14

I would say to DH we need to book nursery/childminder soon to guarantee a place. You may need to do it now depending on where you live. Then say lets see how they get on with stopping smoking and sorting out the house. They never will get round to it so you don’t need to worry about them looking after your baby.

Margo34 · 29/12/2022 12:15

The answer is unquestionably - nursery (or childminder).

My DC1 goes to nursery and has a fantastic relationship with the grandparents.

You don't need grandparents to do the childcare in order for them to have a relationship.

In fact I'd go to suggest the GPs would potentially have a BETTER relationship with your child by not doing childcare, as they wouldn't have to act in loco parentis and could simply spoil the child as GPs do.

AbbieLexie · 29/12/2022 12:19

I've learned many things on mumsnet but the most valuable lesson is - No is a complete sentence. You don't need to explain or justify!

Original poster
objectivebread · 29/12/2022 15:12

I'm in tears, my husband hasn't got my corner on this at all, he's saying that me standing my ground (I sent them a message explaining the house is unacceptable and they can come to us supervised) he says this was uncalled for, and I have upset his mother. Of course I have, I called her out on the fact her home is a biohazard. He says we should have discussed as a couple what to say, WHAT IS THERE TO SAY? The safety of our child is a non negotiable. I feel like he is going to go against my wishes here entirely.

OP posts:
Littlebluedinosaur · 29/12/2022 15:15

The fact you even posted asking if it’s okay blows my mind. Just no.

Hugasauras · 29/12/2022 15:18

They abused by husband and his siblings when they were little, and my husband is a wreck from it still. I won't go into detail just know it's bad, it is not sexual abuse, it was drug abuse (they were addicts) physical beatings, prolonged starvation and neglect

Read this back to yourself, OP. Of course your child can't be looked after by them!

WoolyMammoth55 · 29/12/2022 15:21

objectivebread · 29/12/2022 10:13

@SirChenjins I feel terrible and my husband constantly pleads with me that they have changed, I feel awful!

OP, in the nicest possible way - you need to woman up.

The definition of being a good parent is to put your child's needs (in this case for safe and adequate care with reasonable hygiene and no risk of abuse) above your own (in this case to be 'nice', please others and avoid confrontation).

YOU NEED TO PROTECT YOUR CHILD. There's no grey area. They abused your partner, they don't unsupervised access to your child ever.

END.

KathyCornwall · 29/12/2022 15:36

As others have said, and you know, this is a huge problem. He is not willing to put your child first. Not even in these dire circumstances.

He needs to know this matter is closed and non negotiable.

Margo34 · 29/12/2022 15:52

objectivebread · 29/12/2022 15:12

I'm in tears, my husband hasn't got my corner on this at all, he's saying that me standing my ground (I sent them a message explaining the house is unacceptable and they can come to us supervised) he says this was uncalled for, and I have upset his mother. Of course I have, I called her out on the fact her home is a biohazard. He says we should have discussed as a couple what to say, WHAT IS THERE TO SAY? The safety of our child is a non negotiable. I feel like he is going to go against my wishes here entirely.

Tbh if I'd received a message from an in-law telling me my house is unacceptable or a biohazard I'd be upset too so I can totally understand why it's narked him and them! But is still be sending my child to nursery. So here's what you do:

Tell him child is going to nursery. Apologise if you've upset his parents, to both him and his parents.
Say to him you agree, some people can change.
Suggest let's make a social date to see them on xyz date so you/they all have a date to all look forward to.
Ask if he'd like to help you choose a nursery for child?
Then change the subject entirely: Would you like a cuppa/coffee/what do you want to do this weekend/what did you think of that film blah blah...

LimeCheesecake · 29/12/2022 15:59

To be fair - I think your husband has a point that your message was uncalled for - this is an issue for next November and for the sake of family harmony could you not go with a white lie?!

“oh the nursery could only guarantee us a place for November if we booked a full time place the first 3 months so we thought we’d get that booked even if we don’t use all 5 days a week so we’ve got it sorted, we can always cancel closer to that, easier to give up a place at the last minute than get one!” Followed by “oh baby is so happy at nursery, I just don’t want to mess with their routine by changing it, but we’d love to have you visit us at the weekends, much easier for you to come to us as baby’s things are all here already.” “It’s a lovely sunny day, are you taking the dogs to the park? I’ll push the buggy to the park and meet you there.”

you stall, come up with polite excuses and just don’t let them have full control of the baby.

Boating123 · 29/12/2022 16:05

They can bond with your child. You could regularly meet up in the evenings or weekends or little holidays - they don't need to babysit to do this. Maybe in a year or so after they have bonded by visiting with you or your husband around they could do a bit of babysitting, based in your home - not theirs.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 29/12/2022 16:06

You have to stand your ground.

Get counseling with husband before child arrives. Urgently.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 29/12/2022 16:07

LimeCheesecake · 29/12/2022 15:59

To be fair - I think your husband has a point that your message was uncalled for - this is an issue for next November and for the sake of family harmony could you not go with a white lie?!

“oh the nursery could only guarantee us a place for November if we booked a full time place the first 3 months so we thought we’d get that booked even if we don’t use all 5 days a week so we’ve got it sorted, we can always cancel closer to that, easier to give up a place at the last minute than get one!” Followed by “oh baby is so happy at nursery, I just don’t want to mess with their routine by changing it, but we’d love to have you visit us at the weekends, much easier for you to come to us as baby’s things are all here already.” “It’s a lovely sunny day, are you taking the dogs to the park? I’ll push the buggy to the park and meet you there.”

you stall, come up with polite excuses and just don’t let them have full control of the baby.

Yes, this is true. You could have been far more tactful.

theholidaymum · 29/12/2022 16:10

Obviously nursery and ask the grandparents to chip in. The idea of having grandchild around is nice but reality will kick in shortly.

Original poster
objectivebread · 29/12/2022 16:11

@LimeCheesecake I do not lie well, I am blunt, I'm autistic unfortunately

OP posts:
Original poster
objectivebread · 29/12/2022 16:12

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune I think I'm missing your point here, my husband needs therapy.. we're fine as a couple

OP posts:
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objectivebread · 29/12/2022 16:14

@WoolyMammoth55 I have and now I'm being hounded for being untactful and blunt. I am so done

OP posts:
Edinburghmusing · 29/12/2022 16:14

What are you going to do when you can’t trust your husband not to drop your child off to them when you’ve said no? Which he almost certainly will.

this is a marriage deal breaker OP - time to make thst very very very clear now.

Edinburghmusing · 29/12/2022 16:15

And I wouldn’t fuck about with the white lies. I’d be very upfront - you do t trust them. Why do you want a relationship with them?

TrentCrimm · 29/12/2022 16:16

Your husband may well believe they have changed, but unless he has no eyes and nose, he can't believe they no longer smoke in the house. And no one in their right mind would hand over a newborn to be looked after in a household of smokers.

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