Childcare Dilemma

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My husband and I are expecting our son in May, after 6 months mat leave I plan to return to my job full time and there has been some family discussion around childcare. MIL and FIL insist on helping us by having baby 1-2 days a week if not more, the issue is their house is unclean to the point that it's an environmental hazard, housing association replaced their kitchen because their two dogs pissed on the floor that much it rotted. They do not clean, vacuum or look after the place. The carpets are black with dirt. They smoke so much the ceilings are yellow and everything stinks of smoke the moment you enter and leave. There is black mold from the house not being heated adequately and ventilated enough.

I cannot in my right mind let them look after my baby, I just feel sick thinking about it. Tummy time would be a nightmare unless baby is on a new rug and stays there all day. I have mentioned this quite frankly to them and they say they will sort it, but I really don't think 40 years of habitual general uncleanliness is going to suddenly change.

They abused by husband and his siblings when they were little, and my husband is a wreck from it still. I won't go into detail just know it's bad, it is not sexual abuse, it was drug abuse (they were addicts) physical beatings, prolonged starvation and neglect. I am uncomfortable even being around them let alone letting them baby sit. (I understand if some of you say, "well why even speak to them etc" it is very complex, they are still in his life very much so and have 'made amends' but I don't think amends can be made for what they did.

It's not even a question in my mind that they will not be around my child without supervision from myself and my husband. My husband does think they have changed and would be adequate babysitters which just blows my mind he would make that assessment. He thinks they want to be grandparents so badly they have changed as people and will not harm our kid.

I personally just want to put my child in nursery or with a childminder when I go back to work, this all seems insane to me. Husband is supportive of both options but also wants his parents to very much have a bond with their grandchild.

What would you do in this situation?

Obviously nursery ffs just say no.

Obviously nursery! And supervised visits at your home, not theirs. I wouldn't go into a home like that, never mind take a baby in there.

Nursery. I'm amazed you even need to ask.

Nursery. Not even emergency baby sitter in your home. Supervised contact at yours only, only allow small amounts of unsupervised access if you are comfortable and honestly believe they have changed.

The baby is your priority.

You really have to ask?!

Nursery or childminder, of course.

Find a good nursery or childminder - expensive certainly but by far the better option for a whole variety of reasons.
OH's parents can still be grandparents without looking after your baby all day.

@SirChenjins I feel terrible and my husband constantly pleads with me that they have changed, I feel awful!

Your DH needs therapy, urgently.

My addict parents have never even met my children, I will never risk them inflicting even 1% of the trauma they inflicted on me on my children.

I sure as shit wouldn’t be allowing them to have my non verbal baby unsupervised.

You'll feel more awful when your child is neglected, abused or comes to harm.

Why do you feel awful? They are clearly not capable of looking after a baby.

To ease the blow to their feelings tell them that consistency is better for little ones so they will be going to the nursery/childminder full time as that will help their routine.

if that doesn’t work- babysit at your house as all baby’s things are there.

My parents always said they would look after DC for us, but quite frankly they weren’t up to it. My son was very demanding when awake and only slept for 30 most at a time. First time I left him with them, only 3 hours, all was well, they mainly walked him in pushchair around the block. Second time was only an hour and when I picked him up, he was crying in his sleep. I knew then that although they thought they could look after him, it was clear they couldn’t. They were only early 60’s, but retired. My MIL who worked full time, volunteered at everything was way better and actually went part time so I could return to work. I would tell them let’s wait and see how baby gets on with them.

of course a nursery or professional childminder is the right choice here. they can still be active grandparents but no your child can't go to that house until they are old enough to not be vulnerable to the hazards (maybe 10ish or early teens). you don't need to apologise for or explain your parenting decisions but even with the loveliest of grandparents there are pitfalls with using family for childcare. when childcare is free you can't insist on things you consider important, and a nursery has automatic cover in place when a carer is ill or on holiday. it's better for a child to have one stable childcare setting and a reliable routine for transition between their home and their childcare setting, rather than 1-2 days in three different settings. keep grandparent fun for the weekends, supervised by you in a hygienic setting.

No way would they have unsupervised access to my child, nor would I let my child suffer the dirt of their home to keep them happy.

@Danikm151 Good idea, like yes you can see them but at our house, (obviously being watched carefully.)

Don't led OH try and persuade you OP.
Even the most 'ideal' grandparents can turn out to be unreliable. When you work full-time you need to be sure that care for your child can be guaranteed and is not causing you to worry the whole time they are there.
I'm not saying that paid professional care for your child will be worry free but in view of what you've told us it's surely got to be the better and safer option for your child.

@PopUpMoon I think i've told him that every week for 12 years now, he won't do it, he's stubborn as a bull and deals with things on his own, nothing I can do there.

This is a much bigger problem than a childcare dilemma unfortunately, but you already know this.
My husband had a bad childhood including neglect from his Mother and abuse from other family members. He doesn't like to talk about it and still has a relationship with his Mother albeit not a close one.
I've had to have a very difficult and blunt conversation with him since having our child. Luckily his family live at the opposite end of the country, but he has made comments about his Mother babysitting before as he thinks she has changed etc . I've said I will absolutely not allow this and there is no way our children will ever be unsupervised there. At the moment he is in agreement with me but I don't know if he always will be as it is very complex and he also refuses to get counselling.
I don't know what the answer is when your husband refuses to get help but I do understand. You just need to do whatever it takes to ensure they don't have access to your child.

@user147283179 Thank you. I will do anything necessary to protect my child.

They don't need to do childcare to be able to have a relationship with grandchildren.

Given the history, far better you meet out and about all together.

It sounds as though he wants to reinvent his past and thinks that if his parents can "rehabilitated" then the trauma if his childhood can be looked on as a temporary aberration rather than what they are really like.

Right now you don't even need to have the discussion - their house needs to be clean and safe for you to even consider bringing your child there WITH you, childcare cannot even be an option up for discussion.

And if the kitchen floor was destroyed by the dogs pissing in the floor, it does not sound as if the dogs are safe for your DC to be around either.

Nursery or other professional childcare. It's not even a question.

@ClaryFairchild There are many layers to this, the animal abuse I have reported before which led to a heated row which nearly destroyed my relationship years ago, like well over a decade ago now. But yes I do feel like that is what my husband is doing to some extent, and it worries me deeply that he isn't looking at them as who they really are. That house will never be clean imo

Less awful than leaving them with his parents?!
Surely not?

Nursery or childminder.

Your DH is probably desperate to believe they have changed. It sounds really unsafe. You need to stand firm & have supervised contact at yours. The dogs sound a handful so probably not safe.