Nanny time off for her DS

[annoyedatotherparents]

Hi,
Opinions please as I can't work out if IABU or she is!
We've had a nanny for three years and we're very fond of her. We're also pretty good employers - have given two unasked-for pay rises in that time, give her lots of extra time off, never turn up late or expect her to do anything over and above her contract etc. In return she is a really good nanny for us - kind with the three DC and very conscientious.
The issue has come recently since her son started reception. She is obsessed with not missing anything the school put on for parents and keeps asking for time off at short notice to attend things. I have tried to accommodate wherever I can but the things she is insistent on attending are (to my mind) not that important - eg we've given her time off for her son's Nativity, but she now wants time off for a craft afternoon the school are putting on as well and some kind of singing thing (not a carol concert as we've also agreed to that one!)
I've tried to point out that as a working parent there will always be things she (and I) can't make - you have to prioritise and accept that there will always be tradeoffs. But she has effectively said that if we don't agree to give her time off for these things she will have to call in sick, or leave.
I want to sort this as I understand it's important to her to be present for her son, but I also have a pretty busy job and three children myself that I'm trying to juggle so it's becoming very stressful. Would love to hear how other people who have nannies with their own DC navigate this?

We had a long term nanny wanting a lot of time off, our solution was to reduce her days and hire a second nanny in a job share arrangement. It works quite well as when one nanny cant make it we call the other one. Sometimes no one can but at least there is a back up.

She's not a casual worker who can pick and chose her shifts. If she wants the perks of your employment arrangement she should be fulfilling her end.

Is she through an agency? Could they introduce you to someone to do casual days for her? I'd ask her to arrange her own absences as well to save work for yourself.

It's hard to change Nannies but she's shown you where her job sits in terms of priorities.

The threat of using sick leave is a total game changer. That shows someone who is prepared to be dishonest. She should have arranged her annual leave better AND she needs to get a grip that not all activities are essential.

Usually when the relationship has broken down like this, as evidenced by the threat of 'using sick leave' it will be possible to make a 'compromise agreement' the terms of which would be subject to a NDA (so no wingeing in public) to effectively buy your way out of the contract.

Much easier than the alternative and frees you up to find someone who suits you better

The offer of a lump sum and all the time in the world to attend these 'firsts' may be attractive to the new mother.

Good luck.

Sounds like she is no longer the person you need for the job. That’s not your fault or her fault, it just is what it is.

If she said she would call in sick or leave then i would let her go.

There are other nannies OP.

I think it's reasonable you are frustrated with her wanting the time off for things her husband can do. She should have saved her annual leave.

You are unreasonable to think you get credit for giving her pay rises over the years she's been working with you.

@CatByDay not expecting credit for that. Just wanted to give relevant background that we are generally good employers and thought concrete examples of that would help.

I understand as I have a dd5 that she wants to do /see the things her child does

ans why I went into nights so I’m there daytime for her stuff

but sadly not possible for your nanny

schools do have a lot of stuff before Xmas

ans many don’t help the working parents bY giving the date first week of sept for Xmas plays and musicals

they must know when it is. Usually last week or school and what days /times

we got our dates last week for nativity play

for her to say gonna call in sick etx is huge warning Bells to me

and if she does this (esp on school play day) you have every right to give her a warning or dismiss her for dishonesty

It's really hard to disappoint our children they get so excited when something is happening but as working parents that's something we have to cope with and schools are terrible at short notice events. she gets a lot of holidays, few get 7 weeks. I'd be listing the extra she's already had and you accommodated and explain that there is no way you can take more time off she needs to make a choice but now she's asked for days you can't give her going sick on the same days would force you into a disciplinary matter as you need your job to pay her.

Do you need a new nanny? I can re-train ASAP

@readingismycardio 😂

I would want to talk to her about it again but I feel like we need some kind of official arrangement (which is such a shame as I’d much rather just have flexibility on both sides) but I don’t know how to formalise it. A minimum of a month’s notice and two things max per term?

How much notice does she normally give for holidays? I’d stick with that.

I wouldn’t do two things max per term, I’d say she needs to take days out of her annual leave, same with any other job. If she wants to use 5 days annual leave to go to school things over Christmas then that’s fine as long as she has the holidays. Unless it’s stipulated that she needs to take a minimum of a weeks holiday consecutive days.

Maybe suggest she saves some of her holidays for school things that may come up.

Definitely don’t pay her for any days you’ve agreed to when she’s run out of holidays. I know this isn’t the issue for you but by not paying it enables you to set more of a firm boundary. Plus she may re-think what things she wants to take s days unpaid leave for.

@MilkToastHoney thank you, that is a good point. I feel like having to use holiday will concentrate her mind a bit more on what she really does want to do/is essential and what is just a ‘nice to have’. I am sad it’s come to this; as a working mum myself I totally understand the wish to be there for your child and not miss fun events. But I feel like she’s shot herself in the foot by being so demanding.

You need to let her go OP. In any other job she wouldn't be getting as much leeway and she it. Every working parent has to make the same sacrifices and she needs to do the same.

There is absolutely no way it is acceptable to threaten to call in sick if you don't get your own way. If this was another employer it would be disciplinary action.

Get rid and find someone who actually understands the remits of her job and appreciates having such understanding employers.

I think you’re right about it making her decide whats worth it. I’d probably take a days paid leave that’s not out of my holidays to do some Christmas crafting for a couple of hours but likely wouldn’t waste a days annual leave on this!

Yes, it’s hard to miss things but that’s just life when you work and/or have more than one DC. I am very flexible in terms of work but have to miss things due to childcare of other DCs. Same situation - I’ll ask my mum to mind DC but can’t take the piss so have to weigh up if it’s worth ‘using up my childcare’ and don’t attend every single event as much as I’d like to.

But she has effectively said that if we don't agree to give her time off for these things she will have to call in sick, or leave.

what did she actually say? Rather than effectively

But she has effectively said that if we don't agree to give her time off for these things she will have to call in sick, or leave.

anyone essentially “threaten” me like this… would be out

she said ‘you’ll leave me with no choice but to call in sick as I have to be there’.

my response would be

“you leave me with no choice but to explain that you will be required to work your notice and following that you can attend as many events as you wish on your own Time”

Perhaps be prepared to be reaching the end of the road with this nanny. Some relationships have a lifespan and it sounds like this one could be up. Agree it's not reasonable, she's passing the issue onto you and you have no other childcare to source as she is that childcare. Takes the piss if she rings in sick for it, and the fact she said she would?

What on earth was your response to this blatant threat?

I would be looking for a new nanny. Really bold to ask for more leave outwith holidays and extremely rude/unprofessional to threaten to call in sick. She is no longer reliable unfortunately.

She is being totally unreasonable and has lost track of how generous you are. That said this time of year in reception is unusually busy for this type of activity. Once you get through this term this won’t be such a problem. You should have an honest conversation about her needing to save holidays for these activities in future. I suspect if it is her first child she will not have realised how many of these things would be put on.
Once her child is out of reception it will probably only be two afternoons per year, so think long and hard about whether you want the disruption of finding a new nanny for a short term issue.

She’s being really cheeky. I have a 12 year old and have been a nanny for 21 years (only took 8 weeks may leave as I was able to bring him back to work full time) I am very aware this is a privilege and as such always make sure that he doesn’t inconvenience my bosses at all. There have been things over the years that I have either taken my work children along to, gotten them play dates or sadly missed events. She’s out of order for making this your problem. She needs to be grateful you’ve been so accommodating so far. Would it be an option for your DC to have a play date at that time? If not then sadly this arrangement isn’t working out anymore and you may need to part ways. You are defo not being unreasonable in the slightest. X