Those with au pairs, what's it really like having someone living in your house?

[JoshandJamie]

I seem to be going around in circles with childcare and it is seriously driving me nuts. I know that the best answer (financially and hours wise) would be for us to get an au pair.

My MAJOR problem with having an au pair is the thought of someone else living in my house. I want the freedom to be able to wander around in the nick or argue with my husband - whatever. But having someone living in our house with us, I think will make me feel like we've permanently got house guests.

Sadly we don't have a separate annex - have looked into getting the garage converted but i don't have a spare £20k lying around. So the au pair would have to use one of the spare bedrooms (we have two) and share the kids bathroom. And I just don't see it working.

What I'd love is an au pair type person but who doesn't live in - but that flies in the face of what an au pair is meant to be ie part of the family, learning to speak English etc. Is a live out au pair even an option?

Help. I am going nuts trying to get childcare that works for us.

you can try to get a live-out au-pair, I do see them advertised on gumtree so they are out there. but expect to pay more. Perhaps a cleaner who is a parent to plder kids, who could do school runs etc.

I had a live out au pair last summer. She was a student on holidays. Fab girl, great english. She did 5 hrs a day + 1 evening babysitting and we paid her £125 + travel...so more than a normal au pair but our house is just too small to have live in.

Worked for us anyway.

Jenna

I've had 2 whom I've really enjoyed having around, DH works away. Having a glass of wine and a chat at the end of a busy day is great.

I've had 2 pita ones though! The current one is a sullen, stroppy, unhelpful girl who is off soon (only been here 3 months). She creeps around the house so quietly she keeps appearing and making me jump, listening on conversations, maybe? Big crush on my DH, definately!

Last week when I was kissing DH goodbye before a week long trip away she stood arms length away the whole time! I wish I'd really gone for it and embarressed her, but was so self conscious it was awful.

Like you no annex, choice of 2 spare beds and a share of the childrens bathroom welcomes any AP in our house.

Finding one is no mean feat either. Good luck!

Hmmm, difficult one because you DO have to open not only your space but your family life to the au pair if it is going to work.

Most of the time it really doesn't bother me having someone in the house, it can be fantastic. Just occasionally something will bug me - like nipping in to our room to get the upstairs phone. But I could nip those things in the bud if I wanted to. You have to make them part of the family though for it to work and if they don't feel welcome it'll be a nightmare.

Norty how old is she?

She is 24.

Lived away from parental home (Marseilles) in Paris for 3 years whilst studying so thought she'd be fine - I was wrong!

One of my best was a 17 yr old Finn, she was great. No attitude, nothing was too much trouble etc.

Current one needs constant reminders to finish tasks (I pay extra for cleaning) or do jobs properly, even though for the first week I went through everything very carefull, she has lists and instructions that no other AP in my home has had.

It is just down to willingness/begrudgement I believe, rather than inability.

Further to the other thread that's been going, does she actively flirt with DH or is it more subtle? When did you realise she had the crush?

No I don't think it is as obvious as flirting.

It is more a culmination of things including she rarely speaks to me, only to discuss essentials, but she is really chatty with him and she often stops talking to him when I walk in the room.

He is away much of the time she is alway anxious to know when he is coming back, also if I haven't announced his immanent departure she says huffily, "You didn't tell me he was going."

She doesn't eat in the evenings with me if he is away.

If I give her a bonus for being extra useful (not often!) or, for example, her Christmas present she always goes out of her way to thank him effusively, he generally has no idea of what she is talking about (as he isn't interested in the slightest how/what I pay her) but he always takes full responsibility for it when she thanks him

She is deffo not a looker and not his type, so am not worried by the situation. Just think it's awfully bad manners.

Have you had similar HTS?

No. We've only ever had live-out, but am considering (actually, at this point, planning on) live-in when I go back from maternity leave in January as we will then have two children and can't really afford a live-out nanny five days a week. To find someone reasonable, with the tax bill on top, will be just too pricey. Plus, I am tired of people arriving to work late and, if we need them to stay later, feeling like I should be booking a cab, driving them home, etc. So, I am thinking of sacrificing some privacy, etc and doing live-in.

This is one of the things, while I'm not untrusting of DH, just strikes me as a pain to manage. However annoying - and what you described is VERY - it's not exactly a sackable offense either - was curious to see how you planned to address it...I'm genuinely interested in how much it comes up...was interested in this thread anyway from the point of view of what it's like ot have live in...

DD1 will be starting school around 9 mo after I go back to work...so if doesn't work out with live-in we could conceivably put DC2 in a childminder, if we can find one who does school pick ups as well...so I guess, we'd have a way out. But, the toing and froing is bad too..anyway, have now massively strayed off topic.

It is a tough one HTS, I wouldn't have a live in but I fear for my sanity otherwise!

My DS, who is adorable, also has SN and is exhausting. My DH is away ALOT and is not a particularly practical person when he is home.

We have to leave for school before 8am each morning, if I didn't have someone to help me I would be driving in my PJs everyday - or feeling put upon by my children and workaholic husband!

In a way I see it as extra pressure on our relationship but it does remove some of the irritants that can cause friction.

IMO it's a case of:
If you have a good AP, it's not a problem to have them live in at all, infact it's a pleasure.
If you have a crap AP, it's a nightmare!
My friend in London also has a live out AP. Mind you she pays £1400 a month, so nearly nanny wages!
Hi Norty

Hi Ingles is it blustery in your neck of the woods today?

Not an au pair but had a live in housekeeper/nanny when we lived abroad. It was in a country where this is very common and all the houses have "maids quarters" but she did come back with us to the UK and shared our small 3 bedroom semi with us here for a while!

It has it's ups and downs. Great to have someone around for things like if you have an appointment or need to pop out to the shops/doctors/whatever. Great to have help with the kids especially at those busy times like teatime, or when you want a shower in the morning, etc.

Sharing a bathroom with a stranger can be tricky, but if your kids have their own bathroom that she can use then that's not too bad.

I would suggest that you also need to give careful thought to your boundaries like does she eat meals with you, does she share your living room or would you expect her to go and watch TV in her room in the evenings etc. Decide what will work for you as a family and then make those ground rules clear at the outsset.

Personally we found it worked better when things were more separate - yes it is a bit odd having a stranger sitting at the dinner table with you. But at the same time it is a bit rude to say go and eat your dinner in the kitchen! I also think it's a bit different with an au pair as they are not really the same thing as a housekeeper and probably would expect to be more a part of the family.

One thing we did find it that having another adult in the house was definitely inhibiting to our sex life - it felt a bit like having sex at your parent's house when you are trying to be quiet!

Now she has left us for a new job we have a much messier house and things are far more chaotic but we do enjoy just being a family again. I feel very lucky to have had the help when I did though especially with small kids so if you can see a way to make it work I'd say go for it.

You could say that Norty
my wooden shack is shaking like mad.....(slighty scary!)
You?

Lost a little fence panel, but apart from that everyting else seems to be well tethered!

that my neighbours Ash tree (which is taller than the roof on my roundels) which shades out back garden from all afternoon light blows down without hitting my kitchen!

(petrified emoticon) we've got ancient oak trees under bloody preservation orders all around our house,... every time the weathers like this, I'm waiting for 150yr old knackered old tree to come crashing down on our heads!
Sorry for hijack J&J by the way

Yes, sorry about the hijack also.

No worries about hijack. Thanks for all the feedback. Still completely undecided.Sigh

How about you have a summer AP just to try it out? Some just want to come in their break from uni/study and this can be a good way of judging if you could cope with it.

If you don't get on it's 2 months, if you do it'll fly by.

I think there are live-out au-pairs but they are very very rare.

It's worked out fine for us. The au-pair uses a spare bedroom, and it does have its own bathroom.

We have rather had to give up arguing though. Maybe that's a good thing?

the summer au pair is a good idea - maybe I should just do that. Hmmm

Ah Quattro, you mean you don't do the poisonous hissing instead

Once, I am ashamed to admit I pushed DH over onto a chair because I was not able to raise my voice ... unfortunately this led to him raising his

we hissed,.. until one night I really let rip!
AP came down next morning and asked if she should leave as we were obviously getting divorced

I don't find it a problem at all, but then DH is away for quite a bit of the time.

Our ap is definitely part of the family. We eat all meals together, and she rarely sits in her room. Unfortunately her wireless laptop won't work on our wireless broadband, so she's tied to being downstairs if she wants to go on the internet on her laptop. It did seem strange at first, but it's fine now, and useful if you want to ask a quick favour.

Our ap doesn't have 'working hours'. I ask her to do certain things, and she does them at various times of the day. It works well for us as I'm a SAHM so I can be flexible.