Those with au pairs, what's it really like having someone living in your house?

[JoshandJamie]

I seem to be going around in circles with childcare and it is seriously driving me nuts. I know that the best answer (financially and hours wise) would be for us to get an au pair.

My MAJOR problem with having an au pair is the thought of someone else living in my house. I want the freedom to be able to wander around in the nick or argue with my husband - whatever. But having someone living in our house with us, I think will make me feel like we've permanently got house guests.

Sadly we don't have a separate annex - have looked into getting the garage converted but i don't have a spare £20k lying around. So the au pair would have to use one of the spare bedrooms (we have two) and share the kids bathroom. And I just don't see it working.

What I'd love is an au pair type person but who doesn't live in - but that flies in the face of what an au pair is meant to be ie part of the family, learning to speak English etc. Is a live out au pair even an option?

Help. I am going nuts trying to get childcare that works for us.

Can I resurrect this thread please. Partially to do with Ingles's newest thread re guests. I'm obsessing about this, because I'm obsessing about how I'm going to financially and emotionally manage childcare for two children w/o going bankrupt/crazy. It's late so I'm probably rambling too.

Regarding privacy, with APs/live-in nannies, I would assume it's best to discuss visitors at the outset. Question: Do you also have something in the contract? Do people just say, outright, no overnight guests (if that's what they're going for) or, we expect to be able to say no to people we're not comfortable with. Note, the nanny would be living in a room in our house and (probably) sharing a bathroom with DCs.

Secondly, with a live-in nanny (I realise APs are supposed to be slightly different), at the interview stage, do people actually lay out their views on meals together etc., joint activities. For example I would not want the nanny to be at every meal I'm having with friends when they come round, and possibly at none of them, although meals with us would of course be a diff story. What do other people do in this situation? This is the main way we socialise these days!!! I don't want to feel driven from my house just to get private time with friends. Same thing with weekend activities. How often do you invite the nanny along?

It strikes me it may be better just to have a frank discussion about such matters at the outset. But maybe people just play it by ear a bit more?!

Does a live-in nanny feel like a long-term house guest a)only at the start b)most of the time c)not at all for most people???

Hi Harriet
Well IMO no easy answer to your question really. All AP's feel like house guests at the beginning, and usually you've got used to them at about 3 months. I have had AP's though, who have fitted in beautifully and have always felt comfortable with them around BUT I've also had AP's I've had to ask leave cos I couldn't stand the sight of them
There just has to be compromise ... it's usually the parents that do the compromising though!

Nanny's are different, as they are employed and have a much more professional outlook on things and are not expecting to be part of the family in their free time. I would be clear from the outset I think about exactly what you want. Do you have a second room the nanny can use as a living room, so she's not stuck in her bedroom when you want to entertain?

when we had a live in nanny we gave her the choice of eating with the children, eating on her own or eating with us. we were lucky in that we eat late so they never wanted to wait to eat with us and usually took the first option of eating with teh children. we would try and make time to eat with them once a fortnigth or so in order to have a chat about everything. they tended to go out at weekends but if they were in they usually ate sunday lunch with us but did their own thing otherwise.

as far as guests are concerned we had a no guests without asking and do not expect overnight guests to be allowed. we did make an exception for our czech nanny's boyfriend when he visited from prague - but by this stage she had worked for us for 6 months and been in the relationship for a number of years and we were away on holiday for all but one day of his visit so were quite pleased that she was not going to be on her own the whole time.

as with all things nanny related i would recommend being formal and unaccommodating in the contract - you can relax the rules later if you want to but moving things in the other direction is practically impossible.

Ingles
Out of curiosity, when you say that you 'couldn't stand the sight of them' did this come as a shock, i.e. all seemed well from the interview? Or, because of their circumstances, was it, say a phone interview?

Mrs Wobble - I know what you mean about being strict on paper initially, it is a nightmare to try to 'renegotiate' later.

Harriet With AP's it usually phone interviews or skype and I only use agency AP's as well, so on paper beforehand everything looks ok. tbh last Jan, there was a real a shortage of AP's , so I tried a couple of males out of desperation. Boys don't work for me!
(I've got a really short threshold for stupidity as well )