LONG POST (sorry) Mother-in-law with 6 Dogs - Childcare

[Luna1302]

Hi, sorry for the long post. I'm looking for a place to let my feelings out as it's making my mental health issues worse and I'm not sure whether it's my mental health talking or it's a reasonable issue I have and want some advice.

I was hoping to go back to work after maternity for at least two days, ideally three and even during pregnancy, my biological mum who I am close to has said she could have our son for the two days she doesn't work if that helps. Instantly I am thinking great, there are two of the days I could go back, ideally I need to find childcare for a third.

To make it fair I wanted to ask my husband's mum if she would like the opportunity to have our son. The issue is, is that she has 6 dogs. She did have 5 as one passed away but she got another puppy whilst I was pregnant which I was thinking "oh no, now a excitable puppy to train" so now she has 6 again. I have asked if she would like to come to our house but without dogs. I am uneasy around most of the dogs as they have formed a pack and compete for attention, food, toys etc. I've been bitten twice in the leg by one that is protective of their house/hallway when you walk in. My MIL has been bitten multiple times by either breaking up a fight between them (which happens a lot) or when she feeds them from the table. She has had to have stitches a couple of times. None of the dogs are toilet trained and often have accidents all over the floor, I've slipped in poo a few times when round there, the males scent up their own furniture, items that come into the house, Christmas presents etc. They don't notice some of the puddles etc. They don't anti bac or clean after they have picked up poo, and they use a cloth that they leave on the floor permanently to then spread the wee around then put the cloth back in the corner until next time. The dogs also wee/poo when she brings them all to my house when we have them over for dinner etc. They have even wee'd up my curtains.

I suffer from anxiety slightly anyway so talking to her to say would you mind not bringing dogs was a big thing for me to do as she can be fairly rude.
She has been rude to my own mum a couple of times. She found out my mum was also a birthing partner as well as my husband of course and she was angry. She told my husband the day our son was born that she feels left out and no one told her my mum would be there. I didn't forget to mention it on purpose it just never came up. A lot of people have their mum's at birth so thought she would have known anyway. My mum phoned her to congratulate her on her new grandson and was rude to my mum. My mum obviously being emotional from witnessing her daughter going through that experience etc was quite upset. I had to have my baby shower at my MIL's house as she was rude to my mum and mum had to back down from hiring a nice place/organising it somewhere I wanted. I had to stop the dogs weeing up my baby shower presents etc. She has to have her way so me confronting the dog situation to her was scary. I hate confrontation and hate making people upset.

She was surprisingly ok and said she would think about it and speak to my FIL. She phoned my husband and they didn't know I could hear the conversation as I was upstairs trying to sleep. I got the idea she wasn't happy and could hear my husband agreeing with her that I wasn't being fair not allowing her to have our son at her house or to bring the dogs to ours.

My husband spoke to me in the morning and said his mum can't leave the dogs for a day and also said if his mum can't have our son then my mum can't have him either, which has now left me to either put him in daycare for a few days but if I did that then after paying out daycare fees, would leave me with hardly anything anyway or to not go back at all but that means not having my own money and if I am honest, I was looking forward to just seeing other adults for a couple of days which I think would help my mental health a bit.

I've been the one to look after our son with very little help from my husband. He does some washing and washing up which helps me a lot and I appreciate him but he has done 7 nappies, 3 bottles, no night shifts, no babysitting. Refuses to cook for us (I can't if baby is screaming) so orders takeaways, will play games on his phone even when I ask if he wouldn't mind watching/playing with our son whilst I shower and works Mon-Fri and then manages a football team on a Saturday which doesn't stop at just the match it's obviously the admin during the week, football training in the evenings after work, getting to the game early before everyone, drinks in the clubhouse after with the team. I hardly see him to get help and when I do he is on his phone either playing games or sorting out football stuff. My mum has been my support. To tell me she can't have him so I can have a bit of a break has upset me a bit. After everything she does for us and his mum has not helped a single bit.

I am sorry I don't want our son around those dogs but I have at least offered for his mum to have him here at home. Am I being unreasonable? Any help is appreciated.

I think the first response nailed it. Your DH shouldn’t be “helping” you he should be doing 50% of the parenting. If he can’t hack that, nor see why your baby shouldn’t be in a dangerous, filthy environment - sorry but he’s an idiot.

Exactly. You need people who will think what's best for baby, end of.

And this bit from your post My husband spoke to me in the morning and said his mum can't leave the dogs for a day and also said if his mum can't have our son then my mum can't have him either

OMG!! Just who the fuck does he think he is? King Knob Head? Your Manager? He can get to fuck thinking he can lay down the law about your baby and your mother, and you should tell him that in no uncertain terms. And if you can't tell him that, think king and hard about what sort of relationship you are in and the power imbalance.

Keep your job. You're going to need it.
Protect your baby from those dogs, they are a threat to your child, they've bitten already - I'm a dog lover and have fostered dogs and she sounds like an appalling useless "owner".

No way would I leave a child with 6 untrained, biting dogs. Absolutely no way whatsoever. Your DC would be in massive danger of being bitten or becoming Ill from the unhygienic environment.
Your husband is a twat if he puts his DM before his DC and I’d be telling him so.

Honestly, OP, if I knew you were willingly leaving an infant in the circumstances you describe, I'd report you to Social Services.

Dogs are my favourite animal in the whole world but no way would I want an untrained pack of six around a baby. It is not the dogs' fault. They are being mistreated.

I'm not normally quick to say LTB but I am on this occasion.

Move in with your mum and if your cunt of a husband tries to take your baby to the shit house his mother calls a home, get straight on to social services.

Exactly this.

you and even the owner have been bitten several times, they poo and wee everywhere. It is not a SAFE place for a young baby.
He is not taking care of you or protecting your baby.
The only person with your interest at heart is your mum.

It's not safe to leave your child with your MIL. Both your husband and MIL are both unreasonable and not remotely considering the welfare of the child. I refused to go round to SIL's house for Christmas unless the dog was in a separate room the entire because it was excitable and ignored any and all commands by its owner to stop jumping on me or sit or do anything in fact and I was concerned that it would accidentally hurt my 1YO. A year later the same dog bit his owner's ear bad enough that surgery was needed. Refusing to go was the right decision. Ignore them, let your mum take care of your child and get paid childcare for the third day. It's not safe and you have plenty of incidents to point to when they kick up a fuss. It's not possible to watch a child and the dogs at the same time.

“She has to have her way so me confronting the dog situation to her was scary. I hate confrontation and hate making people upset.”

This stuck out to me. I hate confrontation too and my natural instinct is to appease people. I decided I needed to change this when I was pregnant with my daughter. She’s one now and I’m still working on it but I’m much better than I was, counselling has been a huge help.

I appreciate you have mental health issues but you are your son’s advocate now. If you don’t protect him nobody will. Your mother in law does not have to have her way. You need to do what is best for you and your son. It sounds like that is you going to work, your mum looking after your son 2 days, and potentially paid childcare for other days. Realistically what will happen if you tell your MIL no? She will kick off? So what? It’s not nice but it’s not your problem. You can say “sorry you feel that way but I’ve made my decision” no explanations or excuses needed.

The real problem here is your DH. He’s happy to send his precious child into squalor and a situation where he may very well be killed by a pack of poorly trained dogs. I would leave him and not offer any unsupervised contact, tell social services you are worried about contact in case he will take your child into a dangerous situation at his mum’s house. I suspect they will take the risk of a child being around dangerous dogs quite seriously.

This is genuinely one of the worst things I have read on Mumsnet.

Your absolute responsibility is to keep your child safe. This is not a safe environment, your husband is not a safe parent or partner to you; your MIL is dangerously selfish and unreasonable.

Get away from them, however you can.

It's depressing that there are so many posts like this. I'm sorry for the distress you find yourself in, but the answer is very simple to me.

If you were my friend or relative, my advice would be:
Move in with your mum and work on raising your self esteem and standards. You have chosen a poor partner but you now need to put your child and yourself first.

Wish you the best of luck. If you allow those animals around your baby you would be negligent. Choose a better man and family next time.

Go back to work for the days that your Mum can have your baby.
To say that access to a grandchild has to be split completly evenly is unpractical esp when one grandparents home is not suitable for a child of any age.
Good luck OP

Dog shit causes blindness and dog bites cause death. So, no, your baby won't be going there. I know it's easy for us all to say what you need to do, but really this is a case when you do need to put your foot down. Use your mum for the childcare she's offered and book a nursery for the other days. There's no alternative - I wouldn't trust your mil to say she'd have the baby at yours and take them back home.

Fucking hell I can’t believe what I’ve just read! Of course you’re not unreasonable not to want your precious baby in a filthy and dangerous environment. Your MIL is absolutely awful and her son is a right chop of the old block. Neither one of them deserve to be anywhere near your baby. Tell them both to get to fuck.

You asked MiL to watch the baby with no dogs present. She said no. You asked your mum. She said yes. That leaves you with your mum and nursery as viable options. If your DH isn't happy that your mums getting the baby and not his, or that nursery will take virtually all your earnings, then maybe he can drop to part time and let you back to work.

I'd be absolutely livid and would take it as a lesson learned not to bother asking her again.

This all the way. Even reading this has given me anxiety. The situation at your mils sound incredibly unstable and dangerous, but the fact your 'd'h is reacting like that is disgusting. I'd be gone.

The dogs need to be removed before they end up being destroyed. I wouldnt go in thd house or have dogs to mine and I've had dogs.

Wow. Def have a dh problem and mil problem

there is no way I would allow my baby into mil with dogs pooing and wearing everywhere let alone biting

obv the dogs can’t be left alone for 9/10/12hrs so means mil can’t help

i wouldn’t trust her not to pop back to hers daytime

use your mum fir those 2 days. Have a very overdue chat to dh about his lack of help

and sorry @Luna1302 you may end up being a single parent if things don’t change

unless you are happy to put up with a selfish prick for a husband

in his defence over the digs he may have lived like that as a child so thinks mil house is normal with wed and poo not cleared up

blondes shudders

I may not be the best in housework but I def don’t have wee or poo left on the floor and furniture

This

Tell him that if he doesn't back you up with MIL, pull his finger out with helping, and accept that half of the cost of childcare is his, you're out of there.

But actually first I'd have one more trip to MIL and get some photos of what is it like there......

When I read your title I didn't automatically think - no. Some houses and some families have mutiple dogs and it can work.
But her living set it is NOT normal, and your dh is blinded by his own upbringing.
I don't know a single dog owner who:

-allows dogs to go to the loo indoors. disgusting
-allows dogs to bite. Regular biters need to go/be put to sleep etc. They are dangerous
-does not clear up accidents properly, ie wipe it up and then use antibac/flash on the place
-leaves dog poo on the floor - yuck
-would think it was acceptable for a dog to wee on Christmas presents etc
-would go and visit the house of another family member and allow their dog to wee on their furniture without being mortified.

This is NOT NORMAL behaviour.
There is no way my child would be in their house. They will not be safe around those dogs, and they will not be able to crawl on floor etc.

Honestly, do not back down on your Mum having the kids.
Lay down some basic rules for MIL - she can have dc if

1. no dogs

Actually that is it really! No dogs. Either at her house or yours. With no dogs, then she is really welcome. And I would be saying now that they are very wlecome to come to visit, (no dogs) but that you will never be visiting her with dogs who are know to bite.

actually I do know of one family who had dog poo on the floor.
It was one key thing in the report the police made to SS when they were called to the house.
3 kids now in foster care and the parents awaiting trial for severe neglect.

That is how bad and ABNORMAL it is to have dogs this way indoors.

Sounds like you married Stig of the dump and his family. Holy crap you need to be honest with him and tell him his family are living like tramps and it would be safer to let your child fend for itself on the streets.

If your DH cant see this i really do worry about leaving the child with him too