Advice needed family childcare nightmare

[RedDragon26]

I really need some advice on our current childcare arrangement as it's beginning to cause my partner and I a huge amount of stress. This is a really sensitive topic so please no judgement.

I'm a FTM with a beautiful 19 month old DS. I am also 3 months pregnant with our second (and really feeling the first trimester fatigue big time). I took 12 months of maternity leave and alongside annual leave, I did the full-time care of my son until he was 15 months old. I appreciate that this makes me incredibly lucky and I cherished the time with him. Even though this was a massive financial hit for us we worked out that paying for childcare would have been more expensive and so to make ends meet I worked privately on the evenings and weekends whilst my partner worked full-time during the day. It was tough, but we survived....just!

When I had to go back to work part-time a few months ago we made an agreement that my son would go to one of his grandmas every other week. So my mum and my MIL are effectively doing 1 day each every 2 weeks. (My partner and I both work condensed hours to cover the other days). My mother lives 5 hours away from us, and my MIL lives a 10 mins drive away. I was worried that it was a lot of effort for my mother to take on but both grandmas were happy with the arrangement and keen to be involved so we're trying to make it work. We arranged to reimburse my mother for her train travel. My son loves both of his grandmas and they're great with him. We've worked really hard to build positive relationships with the family which is why this situation is so hard.

Here comes the difficult part, in the past 4 months I've had to ask my mother to cover my MIL's day with my son 4 TIMES!!!! Roughly, once a month, even though she's only supposed to have him twice a month. This isn't because of any family emergency or sudden change in schedule, but because she has been on holiday abroad.... 4 times in 4 months. She has just informed us that she has another 2 booked before Christmas as well as weddings abroad that will need covering. I'm really struggling to not feel resentful about this, and please believe me when I say I don't begrudge her the breaks or her social life at all. This is her decision and she is entitled to enjoy herself, however, I feel extremely protective of my mother. My mother is a widow who's travelling extremely long distances in her late 60s and is also a full-time carer for my sibling with special needs. I can't help but feel like she's being taken advantage of. When we've spoken to my MIL about this, she expresses how much she loves looking after my son, doesn't want my mother having to do more than her share, and wants the arrangement to continue however I'm feeling sceptical about how motivated she really is given the holidays always seem to fall on weeks she's agreed to look after my son. It's left me in a really awkward position as I have to work but I have no one else I can ask to help apart from my mother who lives so far away. I've even started staying down with my mum for a week (when I can work from home) with my son so that I can ease the travelling my mother has to do. My partner is feeling increasingly frustrated with his family and it's starting to effect their relationship which is so upsetting. It's also effecting ours because we've got no choice but to spend so much time apart. The best case scenario would be that we could get my son into childcare and not have to rely on family but unfortunately, we can't afford childcare in our area and I can't afford to give up my job, especially now that I'm pregnant again and need the maternity pay.

We're now considering moving closer to my mother (which is a significantly cheaper area) and putting my son into nursery there before the new baby comes. However, my partner is worried that his mother will see this as us being ungrateful (which we're certainly not) and choosing one grandma over another even though the point of the move would be so be don't have to rely on either on them for childcare. I'm really concerned that we need to resolve something before our second comes along. Has anyone been in a similar situation and it worked out? Im struggling to think of what other options we have at this point.

The only people who are been unreasonable and taking advantage are you and your partner!!!!
Why did you get pregnant again if you can't afford childcare for the child you have. Bonkers.

MIL shouldn't have offered her services at all if she wasn't expected to enjoy retirement. Your poor mum travelling ten hours to look after your child too. Surely that's what Annual leave is for to cover when free childcare goes on holiday.

This situation is not sustainable. It needs to change.

It's ridiculous your DM is doing a 10 hour commute to do childcare for you.

Your MIL is living her life, which I can't blame her for. If she wants to live like this, multiple holidays a year etc. you cannot rely on her for childcare, you either take holiday or find alternative childcare.

If you cannot afford childcare where you are and you can't afford to give up work, moving somewhere cheaper sounds like a good plan.

My advice is not to move 'half way' - this would help no one. If you want to be closer to your mum and the housing is cheaper, move close to her

That's the reality with childcare for babies and toddlers. My monthly salary just about covered our mortgage, the nursery bill and a week's careful grocery and I was broke sometimes hours after I got paid.

But it's only for a few years and it then gets cheaper as they get older.

Grannies should be emergency sitters, especially if they live a distance away.

The OP never returns on these kinds of threads.

Pay for childcare like everyone else.

You can afford to pay your mum's travel but cannot afford a day at nursery? You can afford a second child but not a day in nursery?

Why haven't you or your DH taken annual leave to cover your MIL holidays?

Sorry but it’s not your god-given right to have free childcare. Why should your MIL fit her life around caring for your child? I’m afraid you’ll need to pay up or shut up.

You're taking the absolute piss, pay for childcare.

This as a FT hospital doctor doing nights, weekends all sorts, I had £500 pcm after childcare for 2 under 5 and my train fare to get to work.

That was in 2007

Will moving really make that much difference to childcare costs? Surely it will cost you to move?

Your poor mum!

You are just going to have to pay for childcare. It's probably worth it to you to get the maternity pay. Stop thinking so short term. If you don't keep your career up you will be worse off in the long run. You just need to get your priorities straight.

Stop using your mum and MIL for childcare. Pay like everyone else does.

Wow! Just pay one day a fortnight childcare . Situation is ridiculous.

I’d pay for 1 day of local, reliable hassle free childcare a week.

Grandparents can help plenty in evenings and weekends. And school holidays when kids are older.

Spot on !!
pay for it ! Don’t dump on your mum !!

Who offers respite to the mother who cares for the disabled adult, as well as providing fortnightly childcare to her grandson?

And why the bloody hell shouldn't MIL go on holiday and attend weddings whenever she damn well wants?

Op and her partner are wickedly selfish.

So, what arrangements would you make if one of the grandparents became ill suddenly?

Most bonkers and entitled childcare arrangement in the history of Mumsnet.

Your MIL is entitled to go away as much as she likes because she is not your employee. It's not for her to worry about who has to 'pick up her dates' - that's your problem.

Your Mum is being taken advantage of, by you, but I am sure you know that.

Pay for childcare
Or
Work four days a week
Or
DH works four days a week
Or
You and DH take turns to work a four day week every fortnight
Or
Come to another local arrangement like the rest of everyone who ever had a child.

Sorry to be harsh, but I can't believe you think your MIL is putting your mum in this position - you are!!!!

This comes under the category of you need to pay for childcare.
It really is a big commitment to expect your mil to not go on holidays because of a one day, twice a month childcare gig. It is also bonkers to rely on someone who lives five hours away.
You have two options:
Pay for childcare for one day a week. Use a childminder as it will be cheaper.
Move closer to your mum if she is able and willing to help you more.

However, if you are having another child, you need to realise that even your mum might not be willing or able to do this long term.

It’s far far too much for your Mum to do and your MIL should be able to go on holidays when she so wishes. They’ve done all this before, it’s their turn to have fun and holidays. You’ve had a good run of free childcare up to this point, I think you have no other alternative than to pay for a nursery for your child. At 19months you shouldn’t feel too guilty, it’s not like he’s 6 months. In six months time you’ll have more time off with new baby and you can either keep eldest one nursery (recommended) or take him out as you’ll be home all the time. Appreciate childcare is extortionate for those first few years, but you kinda have to suck it up until the eldest turns 3 and it becomes much cheaper. You can’t honestly have thought your mother (who lives 5 hours away) was ever going to be a viable childcare option when you were pregnant with your first?! That’s like Manchester to Cornwall every other week. Madness!

This^

I cannot believe what you are asking your poor mother to do. Travelling 10 hours to look after your child. Just pay for childcare and stop being stingy. You are having another child and cannot pay for childcare for the existing child. What on earth are you thinking

You cant possibly expect your dm to carry on babysitting when she lives five hours away

does she ever get a break she has a sn child to look after ten her day off (i assume) is travelling to look after your child its jut too much

you mil could have said no i guess if she knew she woldnt be allowed to g on holidays but shes also entitled to a life

Copied that same statement to quote in my post and you bet me (and many other posters to it!)

OP your MIL is not a reliable childcare option. She has her own life and is obviously enjoying it.

Expecting your own mum, an pensioner who already has their own caring responsibilities, to travel a 10 hour round trip to give you a day of childcare is absolutely ridiculous.

You need to find and pay for childcare in your own area. What would you do if you mum was unavailable to ever do childcare again? That is what you need to do now.

You're so lucky to have any free childcare. I can't believe your dm travels 5 HOURS (or did you mean miles which isn't so bad?)

Either way your mum sounds like she needs the day she looks after your dc to actually look after herself!

A friend of mine worked for £20 a day after childcare was taken out. That's just the way it is.

It sounds like your reason for being closer to your mum is solely to suit YOU and so you're life is easier (and you get your dp all the time) and easier for YOU when she has to look after 2 kids.

I think mil has a life and although loves your dc also enjoys having a life to do what she chooses.

I think you should move wherever you and dad can use childcare so dm and mil can have the bond with grandchildren without the pressure of childcare.

Wow. Lots of very judgemental responses here for a situation that is causing my family a lot of pain. But I guess everyone is entitled to their opinion. Maybe I should clarify some things:

My mother desperately wants to be involved with my son and has been really upset when I've suggested that the current arrangement is too much for her. In fact she suggested she does more days. She didn't get to be a part of her step-grandchildren's lives and that was miserable for her. Prior to me returning to work she travelled up at least every fortnight to stay with us anyway. In no way would I want to exploit my own mother and in no way do I feel entitled to free childcare which is why this situation is difficult.

My brother has significant mental health issues and is living in residential accommodation where he gets care and support during the week. My partner and I help pay for this because my mother couldn't afford to and although we're happy to help, this makes it harder for us to afford childcare. My mother usually visits him every day so on the days she's with us he goes out with his care team.
I have another brother who is living in London who also has additional needs and who I care for. My mother comes to visit him for a few days whenever she cares for my son. There's a lot of care needs in our family and we're all trying to support one another as best we can, it's an arrangement that works for our family. My worries were purely about the childcare agreement not being equally distributed and how to have that conversation with both grandparents.

In response to the person who suggested I 'shouldn't have kids if I can't afford them'..... I am 40 years old and work in a professional NHS role which requires a masters degree. I'd love to be able to afford London childcare costs or just stop working, but due to extremely long working/shift hours which would mean that I need nursery and wrap-around childcare AND my other significant responsibilities, it's just not an option. I recognise that this isn't a sustainable situation and am trying to resolve this for my family by selling our house and moving to a cheaper area. I am not sure how it's helpful to berate women as 'entitled' when they're doing the best they can to muddle through with a childcare system which is seriously flawed for working parents.