Advice needed family childcare nightmare

[RedDragon26]

I really need some advice on our current childcare arrangement as it's beginning to cause my partner and I a huge amount of stress. This is a really sensitive topic so please no judgement.

I'm a FTM with a beautiful 19 month old DS. I am also 3 months pregnant with our second (and really feeling the first trimester fatigue big time). I took 12 months of maternity leave and alongside annual leave, I did the full-time care of my son until he was 15 months old. I appreciate that this makes me incredibly lucky and I cherished the time with him. Even though this was a massive financial hit for us we worked out that paying for childcare would have been more expensive and so to make ends meet I worked privately on the evenings and weekends whilst my partner worked full-time during the day. It was tough, but we survived....just!

When I had to go back to work part-time a few months ago we made an agreement that my son would go to one of his grandmas every other week. So my mum and my MIL are effectively doing 1 day each every 2 weeks. (My partner and I both work condensed hours to cover the other days). My mother lives 5 hours away from us, and my MIL lives a 10 mins drive away. I was worried that it was a lot of effort for my mother to take on but both grandmas were happy with the arrangement and keen to be involved so we're trying to make it work. We arranged to reimburse my mother for her train travel. My son loves both of his grandmas and they're great with him. We've worked really hard to build positive relationships with the family which is why this situation is so hard.

Here comes the difficult part, in the past 4 months I've had to ask my mother to cover my MIL's day with my son 4 TIMES!!!! Roughly, once a month, even though she's only supposed to have him twice a month. This isn't because of any family emergency or sudden change in schedule, but because she has been on holiday abroad.... 4 times in 4 months. She has just informed us that she has another 2 booked before Christmas as well as weddings abroad that will need covering. I'm really struggling to not feel resentful about this, and please believe me when I say I don't begrudge her the breaks or her social life at all. This is her decision and she is entitled to enjoy herself, however, I feel extremely protective of my mother. My mother is a widow who's travelling extremely long distances in her late 60s and is also a full-time carer for my sibling with special needs. I can't help but feel like she's being taken advantage of. When we've spoken to my MIL about this, she expresses how much she loves looking after my son, doesn't want my mother having to do more than her share, and wants the arrangement to continue however I'm feeling sceptical about how motivated she really is given the holidays always seem to fall on weeks she's agreed to look after my son. It's left me in a really awkward position as I have to work but I have no one else I can ask to help apart from my mother who lives so far away. I've even started staying down with my mum for a week (when I can work from home) with my son so that I can ease the travelling my mother has to do. My partner is feeling increasingly frustrated with his family and it's starting to effect their relationship which is so upsetting. It's also effecting ours because we've got no choice but to spend so much time apart. The best case scenario would be that we could get my son into childcare and not have to rely on family but unfortunately, we can't afford childcare in our area and I can't afford to give up my job, especially now that I'm pregnant again and need the maternity pay.

We're now considering moving closer to my mother (which is a significantly cheaper area) and putting my son into nursery there before the new baby comes. However, my partner is worried that his mother will see this as us being ungrateful (which we're certainly not) and choosing one grandma over another even though the point of the move would be so be don't have to rely on either on them for childcare. I'm really concerned that we need to resolve something before our second comes along. Has anyone been in a similar situation and it worked out? Im struggling to think of what other options we have at this point.

I mean the whole set up was insanity in the first place. How could you even agree to your mum doing a 10 hour round trip every two weeks in the first place! Your MIL has shown they are flakey which is not your fault but you need to arrange actual childcare rather than asking your mum AGAIN to make a 10 hour trip to cover her. As a PP said, what on earth is your plan now you’re pregnant again but can’t even afford childcare for the first one?

Pay for childcare. Like everyone else. Stop taking advantage of the grandmothers. I cannot believe you arranged for your mother to travel those hours to look after your kid. My mum lives 2 hours away, I would never have dreamt of asking her to do such a thing. If your childcare falls through it's your (you and DP) responsibility to sort, no one else. Stop being so entitled.

I would say that if MIL is giving you notice of her holidays then it is up to you and your dh to arrange Annual Leave for those days not to put on your mother even more than you are doing. Maybe when MIL agreed to help out she didn't envisage it being a regular arrangement. I can't believe that you have your mother travel five hours to provide regular childcare plus to cover MIL that's some CFery right there. Time to organise paid childcare to allow the grandparents to enjoy their holidays and be there for the fun times and emergencies.

Agree with the notion of the post in relation to taking advantage of the childcare arrangement op has but Affordable childcare and having children is a really unfair judgment on motherhood as a whole, childcare is insanely expensive but also largely temporary, to be priced out of having children because of a broke system is not a beggars belief system, not having a system that supports /encourages working mothers is.

Who takes care of your sibling who needs full time care when your Mum is tied up with you? I mean, this is something that your Mum is going to need help with herself, she is in her 60s, widowed, your sibling has special needs that require full time care, perhaps this is partly why you intend to move nearer, to provide respite? As well to access cheaper childcare for your children?

With what you're spending on train fare for a 10hr round trip ever other week, sort out proper childcare. I expect your mum feels backed into a corner.

What are you going to do when you've got two lots of nursery fees?

saying that you are taking advantage assumes when doesn’t really want to do it.
Only you know which is the case.
My mum has looked after my girls 2 days a week for the last 10 years. It was 100% her choice. She has loved doing it and is now gutted that it’s slowly coming to a natural end. She did NOT feel taken advantage of.
Your issue is that your MIL has not understood that she has made a commitment your family and that a lot of things rely on her being consistently available. Someone needs a serious word to see if she really wants to do it or not.
You also need a better solution to her being away. Dragging your mum down every time isn’t working.
I would also say that I wouldn’t consider a woman in her 60’s to be unable to cope with the travelling etc… My mums got at least 10 years on your mum and she’s be seriously pissed off if I told her she was too old and feeble to get on a train!!

Uncalled for. The MIL presumably agreed to
the arrangement and is now not sticking to it. She’s out of order not the OP.

Several very similar threads this week and the OP never returns....

I personally think it’s a bit much asking your mum to do a 10hr round trip by train, especially when she has other caring responsibilities. On the ‘MIL days’ your MIL is away, you should cover it yourselves, either by taking annual leave or paying for childcare.

It would probably be best if you got some childcare organised anyway, as that way neither your DM or MIL feel obliged to you, and can visit when they choose rather than being used as free childcare.

This has to be a wind up?! I can’t believe anyone would take advantage of their parents like this?

Smartie I do take your point but if you look at the OP it states that Mum is the full time carer for an adult child with special needs. A regular expectation of 10 hours travel plus a block of child wrangling in the middle plus being a full time carer the remainder of the time is a LOT to put on anyone.

Your poor mum.

This is shocking. You are taking the absolute piss. I can't believe you have burdened your mother with travelling so far to watch your son, and now you're having another baby you can't afford. It's madness. Your poor mum, and your attitude towards your MIL is just as bad.

Sorry but you need to pay for childcare. You shouldn't have had another child if you can't cope with the 1st one.

Your poor parents need to enjoy their own lives. Let them be.

Agree with pp, either they agree to swap weeks or you pay childcare. Remember with government help you get 20%ish off the nursery fees.

Agree with Flibberty here, I'm full time carer to two disabled adult children. I've also provided childcare for my dd and it is completely draining. Dd brought dgs here because I couldn't leave her siblings unattended for any length of time. It's incredulous to me that expecting a parent (who is older than me) to spend ten hours on a train then care for a toddler outside their caring responsibilities is downright selfish.
I also know why her dm might have felt unable to say no. There is an awful lot of guilt when you have disabled dc and you become ultra-aware of how your children without disabilities might have been short changed because of the demands of their siblings. I do an awful lot for my son and daughter (not disabled) and in part it is down to the guilt.

You can't find any childcare thats closer than 5 hours away? What's the plan when 2nd comes along, are the GPs to look after 2 kids then? You are both bring unreasonable and incredibly selfish.

I can't believe you ever thought it was reasonable to have your mother do a 10 hour round trip for childcare. How much is her train ticket, that must be close if not more than a days childcare.
You can't continue like this, moving seems extreme but if you genuinely can't afford childcare in your area you need to move so you can either stop working or pay for childcare.
My parents do childcare for us and I just take annual leave to cover their trips away, can you do this?
Your mum is a saint!

Your 60 year old mum does a 10hr round train journey to look after your child for a day, even though she’s also the main carer for your sibling, every fortnight, and you say you are very protective of your mum.

You either need to move much closer to your mum, or pay for childcare. Your selfishness and entitlement is the only thing that you are protecting, not your mother. You are wrong and you know it, just won’t admit it.

Absolutely none of this is reasonable or sustainable.
You should never have expected your mum to do a 10 hour round trip for one days childcare, and your mil is more than entitled to go on holiday.
Either pay for nursery or a childminder, or alternatively, become a SAHM and make it work. That's what I had to do, my part time hours didn't cover childcare, I can't work FT due to two chronic illnesses (I developed them
both after I had my two children) and so we survive on my husbands wage, and I have a small business I've set up from home
In the past two years.
I've never even attempted to ask family members for childcare, it's not anyone else's responsibility.

Your MIL has over-committed. I suggest you cut her down to one day pee month at the most.

You seem unwillingly to pay for childcare at all. Surely you would be better off paying for childcare one day per fortnight rather than being let down so frequently by MIL.

At least when you are on maternity leave again with DC2 this will no longer be an issue. Change the arrangement when you return to work after your second Mat leave.

You need to find a solution without either mother being depended on except in an emergency. Either get paid childcare or reduce your hours between you. Espcially if one of you is a high rate tax payer you might find that you don't lose as much as you might have anticipated.

@RedDragon26 I feel like my last post was a bit harsh.

Moving to a cheaper area with more options is a great idea! Nursery is fabulous for children and will do your DC the world of good. The worry and stress lifted from childcare woes will be noticed by the whole family including the children. A happy family is definitely worth it all.

Your MIL may be relieved if you moved but I doubt she'd admit that as she wouldn't want to hurt your feelings

All you have to say is "we're moving to a cheaper area due to the cost of living!" Be vague and bright & breezy!

Ahh ,your poor mum ,a 10 hour round trip on a train ,.that’s awful,how can you think that’s acceptable for her .