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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Original poster

Dislike MIL but she's offering free childcare

57 replies

Sipsupsip · 16/09/2022 20:47

The relationship between MIL and I broke down a couple of years ago. I have almost nothing to do with her. I had a baby about 9 months ago and we are thinking about childcare solutions for my return to work.
MIL has offered to have him for a couple of days a week. She really does love the baby and sees him for a couple of hours on Saturdays and Sundays when DH goes to visit her.
Additional info: DH currently pays for MILs bills and rent as she has no other income.
So, in theory we could afford full time nursery childcare but can't really due to this expense.

So, my question to you wise MNeters... What issues do you foresee in this set up? Am I mad?
Logistically DH would do drop off and pickups.
Ta

OP posts:
Julia234 · 16/09/2022 21:23

If she is a good grandmother then I wouldn’t really see an issue. She managed to bring your husband up who I presume you love so I’m sure she wouldn’t do that bad of a job.

I wouldn’t conflate the two issues as long as she is living and safe with baby.

Julia234 · 16/09/2022 21:24

Loving

CPL593H · 16/09/2022 21:25

If she has benefits, she will get help with her rent

Original poster
Sipsupsip · 16/09/2022 21:28

Julia234 · 16/09/2022 21:23

If she is a good grandmother then I wouldn’t really see an issue. She managed to bring your husband up who I presume you love so I’m sure she wouldn’t do that bad of a job.

I wouldn’t conflate the two issues as long as she is living and safe with baby.

This is what I was thinking - she managed to bring up 3 kids, they're reasonably ok lol.

I'd also like her to have a relationship with DC as she has little else going on in her life. I just see her as a sad, lonely old woman who lashed out when things didn't go her way. Her other DC live hundreds of miles away and DH is the only one who really bothers.

OP posts:
Gazelda · 16/09/2022 21:35

Do you have any other options? What were your plans when you became pregnant? When are you due back at work?

To be honest, it sounds crazy that you're in this dilemma with a 9mo. Surely you've had more than a year to work this out?

hewouldwouldnthe · 16/09/2022 22:09

It would work out best in the current situation and it's just until reception and school kick in. So her influence wouldn't be excessive. GPS are great for after school and collection from school

YourWinter · 16/09/2022 22:13

Surely if she CAN’T work her benefits will cover her rent, council tax and bills. If she could work but prefers your DH to bankroll her, I wouldn’t want her influence bringing my baby up.

PurpleBlis · 16/09/2022 22:16

She may as well do it to earn the money your are giving her.

MillyWithaY · 16/09/2022 22:20

Julia234 · 16/09/2022 21:23

If she is a good grandmother then I wouldn’t really see an issue. She managed to bring your husband up who I presume you love so I’m sure she wouldn’t do that bad of a job.

I wouldn’t conflate the two issues as long as she is living and safe with baby.

I disagree. She will likely be undermining and criticising OP at every opportunity. No way would I want someone so bitter and critical looking after a child of mine.

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 16/09/2022 22:26

Piffle11 · 16/09/2022 21:10

*why, not wine

@Piffle11 that made me laugh!! I thought it might be that you'd misheard the saying, but I couldn't think how to tell you without embarrassing you!

wine earth. I like it!!

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 16/09/2022 22:29

@Sipsupsip

not a fucking chance!!! DH cannot financially supported 2 households and therefor he needs to tell MIL that she needs a job/benefits/other family to pay.

pakistani or not, you can only afford what you can afford!!

there is no way she'd be looking after my baby.

ootred · 17/09/2022 05:12

I disagree. I think
You can know someone is an excellent grandmother and not like them. I have this with ExMIL. Absolutely cannot stand the manipulative old witch. However she is a wonderful nan, loves the bones of my DDS, and they her.

ootred · 17/09/2022 05:13

All of the above being said, no way would I be with someone who bankrolls his mother unless there is an extreme reason

Travellingwomble · 17/09/2022 05:38

If you agree to her doing this, I would lay down some strict guidelines on what your rules are and if she doesnt play ball, the consequences.

A mil I know, lovely woman on the surface, generous and very accommodating with childcare for years but manipulated her only grandson to dislike his parents, has used money to undermine the parents authority over him, eg buying him things they've said he cant have. She doesnt like her other grandchild because they see her manipulation games and so she has driven a wedge between the 2 siblings as well. Quite scary her control over him. Be very careful.

passport123 · 26/09/2022 11:33

Honestly? I'd have a frank discussion with your DH that family money needs to go to his family (you and your children) and you need it to pay for childcare. His mother can pay for her own rent and claim benefits if needed. A DH who prioritised his mother over me and refused to change would make me consider the future of the marriage.

Blondeshavemorefun · 29/09/2022 12:12

You fell out as she tried to pressure you into having a child

well you have a child now. Can’t you try and get on

bur now while you don’t get on she wouldn’t be doing all the childcare - maybe one day

is it normal for sons to pay for mums bills in their culture - can’t she get a job

if she is capable of looking after a baby /toddler at her age - how old is she @Sipsupsip

then she can get a part time job

and dh can stop paying her bills and pay your own of childcare

Bobbybobbins · 29/09/2022 12:22

I would do a trial of a day and see how it goes before committing to anything.

Acheyknees · 09/12/2022 18:32

Reply ' As his/her parents they will love us more than you, his grandmother'

Sprouttreesareamazing · 09/12/2022 18:36

So now you know why her dc buggared off.
Don't offer up your precious dc to appease an awful woman.
And a sponger to boot...

AlwaysFoldingWashing · 09/12/2022 18:40

If you don't get on, I would stop paying her bills and put the money towards a nursery

serenaisaknobhead · 09/12/2022 18:51

"She said some very nasty things about me and my family."

If you're happy for her to say these things to your child and do things her way and not yours since you don't communicate, then yes, go ahead.

Personally it would be a no from me.

Sprouttreesareamazing · 09/12/2022 20:41

Drip drip drip..
Mil's opinion of you to your dc if she had unsupervised time...

Notahappychick · 11/12/2022 19:09

Be very very careful. My ex MIL also blamed me for taking away her son but became obsessed with our children. She was a widow, and gave up her part time job as soon as she found out I was expecting. I thought we had put things behind us when I had my first baby as she suddenly became ‘nice’ but it was all a ruse to get a foot in the door again and undermine me. I know money for most of us is tight at the moment but set your ground rules and have a contingency plan, start squirrelling away some family money in case you need an alternative childcare fund. I understand that maybe your hubby helping her financially is a cultural thing but he also needs to put your own family first, make sure he is onside with you.

Newbaby1234 · 11/12/2022 19:13

Nope I wouldn't be leaving my baby with someone I didn't have a good relationship with

TakeYourFinalPosition · 11/12/2022 19:18

Nope. I’ve seen grandparent childcare go wrong far too many times when the relationship is good to ever trust it anyway, but definitely not here.

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