Grandparents doing childcare: tell me the worst!

[biser]

DD has asked me to help with childcare when she goes back to work. It will be regular full day slots but not too many.
What's the worst that could happen. What ground rules do we need in place.

1. You forget how hard work small dc are
2. She gives you so many to dos that even a Nursery she pays wouldn't be able to accommodate
3. You don't have the same level of concern over actual safety matters (car seats, safe sleeping, weaning)
4. She begrudge that the little one doesn't nap as she needs in order for them to sleep well at night

My parents have my sisters children. My in laws have younger BIL children.

Myself and older SIL use nursery or are at home.

For me, watching, I would say it changed the dynamic between them and my sister, them and BIL.

They become caregivers not grandparents, so with that comes a change in their relationship with grandchildren.

At things like family events, the children struggle with who is parent.

The boundaries are blurred I suppose. The nursery teacher doesn't turn up at Christmas lunch.

They get a lot of the firsts, which then causes resentment. Remember when x walked at granny's. Blah blah.

They become the contact point, school playground, play dates, etc.

So I suppose just being aware of that.

It changed my relationship with my mum and not in a good way.

She wanted to look after Dts when I went back - she did 3 days over two weeks.

It changes the relationship with the grandparent and the grandkids, we've finally got back to an even keel where they can do stuff with gps if they want at weekends. They thought their ways were right, I thought mine were. Led to some arguments but I mostly sucked it up as I didn't pay her (did offer but was refused).

If I was to do it again I'd use formal childcare.

I’m the daughter. I think it has ruined my relationship with DM. We moved house partly because DM offered free childcare (there were a long list of other reasons). DC were school age with wrap around care, so it was really only drop off and pick up at 4 or 5pm and feed a max of 2 days a week, often only 1 pick up. We lived 5 minutes away. Within 2 weeks of us moving DM announced that SIL also needed childcare so she couldn’t help us on the days she was looking after SILs children. Then there were all her social activities that needed to be accommodated, so if she was swimming/Pilates/sewing she couldn’t collect the kids. Sometimes she tells me she has no food, so can I send food. You’d have to see my mums kitchen to understand how laughable this is…sometimes she says, at 7.30pm, ‘you didn’t say to feed them, so I didn’t’. Other times she just wants to have them only at her house. The list goes on. She is mostly an amazing mum, and ironically has been really helpful this week. But for the bulk of our childcare we have a nanny now…..and we moved further away.

I'm the daughter. My parents did a lot of childcare for me in the kids first few years. I can't remember what we discussed beforehand but I do think having the conversation about expectations and costs is really important. Plenty of posts on here resenting GP's who don't help but helping brings its own issues.

GP's wouldn't take anything for looking after mine but I bought and delivered all nappies, wipes, nappy sacks, food, snacks, bottles and other bits and bobs that would be needed at theirs as well as leaving extra clothes etc for accidents or mess. GP's wanted to buy toys, playmate etc themselves to keep in their house for kids. They bought a stroller for their house and we bought extra car seats that were isofixed into their car.

I didn't want to book too many activities for them to have to get to but mum took DD to a little music/ dance class, gymnastics and the library for kids groups. I paid the first two direct.

Someone else I know had 50/50 childcare split between mum and mil. She paid £600 to mum and mil didn't want/ need anything.

I'm of the mind that my parents were doing me a massive favour and didn't leave any rules etc for them to follow. Did have to bite tongue sometimes eg when my Dad would say they didn't eat any dinner so he gave them some ice cream.

My mums days were longer and more tiring than mine as I had commute either side of work before collecting. My mum wouldn't tell me just how tired she was but we did realise and we later did 50/50 with paid childcare. My mum wanted to be able to have a chat at the end of day before I took kids home but because of long commute I couldn't come in or stay on doorstep as getting straight home it was nearly 7 and we needed to sort our dinner and kids bath and bedtime.

I would ask what the kids had eaten etc but sometimes my mum would take it as checking on her when I just wanted to know if and what they'd eaten or if they had refused food etc

I personally wouldn't want to use relatives as regular childcare. I've known a few setups where I know the mum and grandparent and in every case the mum has thought the grandparent enjoyed it whereas really the grandparent resented it.

If I was the grandparent and I was offering care I'd want to know if there are any non negotiable rules the parent wanted me to follow, and I'd tell them up front if I couldn't stick to that rule. I can remember my SIL being cross that the grandparents weren't sticking to giving the toddler only a short nap. My nephew at 2 was a whirlwind and into everything. If I'd been looking after him I'd definitely have been letting him sleep as long as he wanted! So many parents expect grandparents to deal with cranky toddlers to make night time bedtimes easier. Sod that, if it makes grandparents' lives easier to let the toddler sleep for 3 hours in the day then I'm sorry but the parents should just put up with that.

I do regular childcare for my DS and my DD. Some is full days and some just drop off and pick up, depending on the ages of the DGC. The only drawback I can see is that I've had to let them down on the very rare occasions I've been unwell, though that is balanced by me still being able to look after them if they're poorly, which a nursery won't do. Otherwise I've found it such a positive experience - I have a very close relationship with the DGC and it's also helped to forge a very close bond with my wonderful DIL.

No wonder family childcare potentially leads to so many problems if people have this attitude. My DS and DD have quite different approaches to parenting and I feel it's vital to follow their individual preferences. How could they trust me otherwise?

What happens if they have more children on if your other children also want childcare?

I looked after my GC a couple of days a week and it is tiring but I loved it. When they were tiny, I followed their mum's regime to the letter. As they grew bigger, it was great fun to have their company, chat with them and take them out to fun places. It forms a nice bond with them. I hope you'll enjoy it.

I'm the daughter- my mum was a nightmare doing childcare. She's very controlling anyway but she would arrive at my house every week with a fucking PACKED LUNCH and dinner she'd made for DD, when they were just spending the day in our home, as if I had no food in the house, or somehow my food wasn't good enough for DD. She disagreed with me on almost everything I did/didnt do with DD but also was too nervous to put her in her pushchair to take her out and she kept getting me down from my WFH office to help with things like change her nappies, test how hot her food was. It drove me fucking insane. If my mum wasn't so controlling and I hadn't WFH it probably wouldn't have been so bad. I thought I had a really good relationship with my mum before this but she was so openly critical of me that I don't think I'll ever forgive her. If you are more relaxed and do mainly as your DD asks and don't pick at her choices, it'll probably be fine.

Do you have a DP or DH (DW), OP? If so, have you discussed this with them?

My friends nearly split up over the care of the GC. From having an interesting life doing all the things they wanted to do and had postponed until retirement, they were ‘tied to the house’. The DH felt that the GC were much more important in his home than he was, there were no rooms off limits ( he was a woodworker and model maker) and meal times, outings etc all revolved round the kids. GM doted on them and spoilt them. She didn’t want him to go out with friends but stay and help look after the children. His life changed, without his consent.

it was pretty horrendous, tbh.

If a grandparent is offering free childcare, that's great and can mean a fab and close relationship between the child and grandparent will develop as well as saving you ££££. But you need to be clear about where your Red Lines are on the different opinions of how you look after a baby/toddler/child, and what you need to just nod and smile about. Does the grandparent acknowledge that car seats aren't just a fussy modern invention, they're both vital for safety and the law? What about things like cutting grapes in half? Or keeping hot drinks out of reach? But equally - will you be displeased if they take them to McDonalds once a week, or that they like to offer puddings after a meal when it's only fruit and yoghurt in your house. Or rules for screen time disagreements, or whether you should be home for a nap in a cot every day versus sleeping in a buggy.

MIL did it for our eldest for a year and like a pp said, it changed our relationship for the worst.

To be fair, she is unreliable and scatty (although very pleasant) and I was never fully on board but DH wanted to try it. She continued to be unreliable and scatty - forgetting to give him lunch, eyerolling when I tried to explain to her about his routine (to be fair I was a bit pfb if I'm being honest) and cancelling at the last minute. We had a second child quite quickly and used the mat leave as a convenient excuse to end the arrangement and have paid for childcare for our three children ever since.

As long as you are reliable, and take them seriously (even if they are being a bit uptight at first!) then you're halfway there. But I do think it affects the the dynamic a bit and means that childcare can feel like an obligation. My MIL does occasional babysitting now, at her own request, and I sense that she actually enjoys that because it's her choice rather than an 'arrangement'.

The free childcare is great but personally I think it's always better to pay someone - childminder or nursery - because then you can call she shots and it's easy to address if things aren't meeting expectations. It also means that grandparents can have a bit more control over when they offer to look after the kids and it's all a bit more flexible.

My parents have my dd (2) 2 days a week - nursery 3 days. They did the same for my eldest (now 13).

It is brilliant - there are niggles as there always is with family but we've always found a way to compromise or agree. Both the girls have an amazing relationship with my parents much more so than their paternal grandparents. Looking at mum and dad in regards to some of my friend's parents the same age - it also seems to keep them a lot more active and young - they are generally out and about on their days with dd and have found whole new places in the community they participate in. I am used to going at on the Main Street on a weekend and people stopping to say hello to dd and ask where Nanna/Grandad are or be told in a cafe that isn't dd's usual order/what she likes most. It makes me glad as if they weren't doing it - she would have that experience.

I don't need it for financial reasons though so there is no pressure on my parents to continue if they didn't want to and nursery are very flexible as is my job so if there is an odd day they don't want to - I can always cover even on short notice so they don't feel the need to soldier on.

They live in my house though so no probs with different set ups!

I’m the grandma. Have looked after my grandchildren for 1 day a week since they were babies, at their house. it can be exhausting but it’s also the best day of my week,

things to agree -
DD will pay for any outings I do with them eg soft play (she gives me her debit card)
I give her plenty of notice if I’m not available
I do Mondays so get bank holidays off and she’s not paying nursery fees on those days
I try to follow her “rules” eg regarding sweets, sanctions etc

I think this is quite insightful. My in laws (I'm estranged from my own parents so they are the only grandparents my children know) really spoil the kids when they have them - chocolate spread sandwiches for lunch, ice cream after dinner every time, days out where gift shops are visited etc... this is all very occasional so it's fine, but if they did regular childcare I would have to step in because that stuff can't be every week or couple of days a week. It would sort of take the fun out of it I think. And grandparents should be for fun, mine were!

From watching my PIL with DNs - one small adorable baby can quickly turn into two or three chaotic preschoolers. Small children are more tiring than you remember, and their routines more restrictive.

But, my DNs are now teenagers and still have a wonderful relationship with my PIL. We don't live near family, and while I'm quite glad our parents can spoil our DC etc, I do slightly regret that they don't have that easy, day-to-day relationship.

My DM did it and I paid her like a childminder for 3 days a week

it was very positive for the DC as they had someone who really loved and cared for them

For our relationship it was negative. DM wanted the money like a professional, but she also wanted a ‘gratefulness’ as if it was a favour. This really altered the dynamic between. Between the DC and their Granny the relationship is very strong

I would actually go so far as to say a grandparent should only provide childcare for free or for pin money . Anything else is too difficult

If you have more adult children who one day might want childcare please make sure if you agree to help one of your children you are able to help the other/s also later down the line, it causes a lot of resentments in family's when a GP offers one grown up child help and not the others.

My Mum has my 3 children 3 full days a week, I work 12 hour shifts. She is essentially their 2nd parent as I am single and I treat her as such (my Mum is willing to have joint parental responsibility with me, were going through the court process for this). Yes, we might disagree on things, like 2 parents may do but generally it is resolved easily. We're extremely close though and parent very much the same. She has the most amazing relationship with my children and she still does 'grandma' things with them such as treat days etc. But she knows she has to limit that as she has them so regularly. It can work out well.

DS(4) has just started full time school but my parents had him 3 days a week 8-3.

We discussed providing food/money for shopping and outings. I’m lucky as DM and I are very alike and share a similar parenting style so we never clashed about anything. I broadly explained how we were doing something e.g potty training and she would always agree to follow our lead. I also just accepted that there are things that would happen at nanny’s house that I wouldn’t allow at home (normally food related, she created a chocolate button fiend!). We also discussed giving notice of DPs holidays so DH and I could work our annual leave around it.

From our end that was the most difficult aspect was DF kept booking last minute holidays and a few times we had to hastily rearrange our work to suit. But I understood that they were living their lives and doing us a massive favour. From their side, I think the early starts were getting a bit much by the end.

Communication is really important. It’s also important for DD to have a backup plan if you are ill. Doesn’t have to be set in stone but a safety net is comforting for both of you.

Get an idea of DDs expectations. I gave DM pretty much free reign and told her I trusted her judgement. If issues cropped up we discussed and found a way around it. It would be good for both of you to confirm where the boundaries are what DDs rules are.

It worked amazingly well for us. I’m so thankful they were willing to give so much of their time. DM tells me they’re thankful they got to spend that time with him.

I only worked PT but my mum did some childcare for us with our oldest in particular so that I could ride my horses etc , it worked really well for us . I got on extremely well with my mum and could be very honest if I disagreed with how she did something - and she did the same . Our son had a lovely relationship with his Nan right up until her death a few years ago when he was 26 .

I'm the mum. I've several children and quite a few grandchildren and have been providing free childcare for years.

I've never had any complaints, but it can be a very long day and tiring.

I've had to do the doctor's visits, hospital appointments, eye tests, school meetings because my DC have jobs where they can't get away. I've been puked over all day. I've rushed children to hospital. I've done a long school run as well as pushing double buggies, dog sitting, going to clubs and the park.

What's the long term outcome? I have grateful children. My DGD today told me that she loves me so much and I'm the best grandma in the world. She told me I'm beautiful and my heart is bursting. It's hard, but so worth it to have such a close relationship with my DGCs. Maybe my DC have the same parenting style as me because there's never been a clash with any of them ever.