Husband thinks Im overreacting/overprotective of baby

[Smilezb]

Hello I always tend to look here for my baby advice. This is my first time posting because I really need some advice. But honestly I am at my wits end. My husband and his mother constantly do things with the baby that can cost SIDS (This is my biggest fear first time mom) example they put a blanket over baby and dont swaddle, my husband has suggested leaving baby in car seat when we take him out of car, slept with pacifier clip attached in nighttime. And each time I detest this with both of them I am told that I am to overproctective and always worrying about sids or that I believe everything I see on the internet or the famous line my mother and my friends did it with their kids and they are fine. He has even went as far to say that when the baby is with me the baby is miserable and has more fun with them. Is/Has anyone of you went through this? Can i have some advice maybe?

Yes. Ignore him. You know best. My DH used to be the same about sterilising bottles, loads of other things... Blankets / swaddling properly was another one.
Said I “wanted everything done your way” No. Just wanted it done the widely accepted way! Not that bloody difficult... He really stressed me out, when there was no need (with a crying baby!)

Tbh a lot of things can increase the risk of SIDS. I don’t see what’s wrong with having a blanket over the baby and not swadling? Not everyone swaddles yet they still put a blanket over the baby to keep them warm.

It’s not recommended to leave a baby in the car seat for long periods of time but I’d also leave the baby in the car seat to sleep for no longer than a hour or so. Can’t comment on the dummy clip as I’ve never used them and not sure what the guidance is.

Obviously it’s your baby and you should do what you feel comfortable with but I don’t think you need to get stressed about every single thing you’ve read on the internet which contributes to sids. Babies who use dummies are at a lower risk of sids than those that do yet not every baby wants to take a dummy. That doesn’t mean you should constantly fret and think something’s going to happen to them if you get me.

Your wishes should be respected without being called over protective but at the same time you don’t need to constantly fret over these things. A baby with a blanket and no swaddle is absolutely fine

It sounds like your baby is only quite young. I have never really used dummy clips it's not necessary so just scrap the clip all together.

Yes he is 3 weeks old

They’re being ridiculous. Of course the baby isn’t miserable with you and happy with them, what a stupid and unkind thing to say. Babies are generally still very much part of their mothers for months and months after birth. I’d be spending less time with the intrusive MIL for a start.

Actually, your post goes against safe sleep guidelines outlined by the NHS, Lullaby Trust and AAP. You are not to use a loose blanket on a baby under one year of age (once they can roll over you are meant to use a sleep sack), nor should a baby sleep in a carseat that is not being used in a car at the time and they should not have dummy clips, or any other object near them while they are asleep. These guidelines are not just used to prevent SIDS but suffocation, choking, etc. It makes sense that those who don't have young children are unaware of the guidelines as they change as research does and in fact, the AAP just updated their guidelines.

OP, you are clearly a caring mother and you are doing the right thing to follow the current research on safe sleep.

Just too add, you are right that dummy use has shown to decrease SIDS but it is the dummy clip that is the issue. Baby should be sleeping with the dummy should they want one but not the dummy clip.

Of course you can use a blanket for a baby! Sleep sacks are safer because the baby can’t wriggle out but they’re a pretty new invention. Blankets are used on babies in hospital when first born, they’re absolutely fine as long as they’re not above the baby’s shoulders and are well tucked in.

OP stand your ground, your husband sounds quite unkind tbh

No, the AAP very clearly states that you should not have a loose blanket in a cot with a baby. I understand that it might appear safe if its tucked in tightly but a baby could very easily get a blanket over its head. And loose blankets were not allowed on babies in the hospital that I delivered in--only blankets being used for swaddles.

@Smilezb Congratulations on your break baby OP! They’re being ridiculous - if course you’re baby is happy with you!
Please don’t listen to any of their absolute rubbish. Continue to do what you’re doing - follow the safe sleep guidelines and follow your instincts ❤️

Neither my MIL or my parents believe in any of these “new rules” as they call them 🙄 to them rear facing car seats are ridiculous, cot bumpers are 100% necessary, baby should be sleeping in a hat and cardigan etc 😅 they all stated that they wouldn’t be following “that rubbish” when they looked after my DS...so none of them ever have 🤷🏻‍♀️ He’s now almost 2 and they still maintain that I’m ridiculous and overprotective and that I baby him...because I cut grapes/tomatoes etc and because I don’t let him play with toys with loose button batteries 🤯 So to this day none of them have ever had him alone.
Im afraid that whether you agree with me or not, the things that I believe are necessary for safety are 100% non negotiable in my eyes 🤷🏻‍♀️

In the UK, the advice is that blankets are fine if tightly tucked in.

What the UK isn’t so keen on is swaddling due to the risk of overheating. I’ve had various health visitor/lactation support people gently tell me off over the last few weeks for using a swaddle (arms up type).

www.lullabytrust.org.uk/safer-sleep-advice/mattresses-and-bedding/

Is there anyway you could ruin the blanket in the wash and break the dummy clip?!? 3 weeks seems quite young for a baby to need a dummy, but I could be wrong as guidance may have changed. Why don't you buy a sleep sack so the blankets are not required.

I'm currently bf my 4 month old and he's been in various tog bags since he was 3 days old as I hate blankets. The thought of swaddling a newborn in this heat makes me sweat.

I completely agree that you should do what you think is best and you clearly have read and researched well, and should stick to your guns. Ask them how much research they have done! Guarantee it’s none!

I would say in response to other comments, when I had both my children they didn’t swaddle ( blankets tightly tucked in so not loose though). I actually had a conversation with one of the midwives about it with my second ( it was recent, under a year) . She did they are not allowed to swaddle anymore, so obviously advice is mixed on this.

You are being bullied by these people. Read the Lullaby Trust advice and show it to them. Sorry they are being unkind.

When dd was a baby, the advice was not to swaddle!

I think yanbu to want to follow current guidance, whatever that is these days. I remember those early, anxious days. I am quite sure that your baby isn't miserable when she is with you!

has even went as far to say that when the baby is with me the baby is miserable and has more fun with them

Three-week-old babies don't have 'fun'. He sounds a bit thick tbh.

Some of that stuff doesn't bother me overly (blankets are fine if tucked in or if you're supervising anyway; our car seat lies flat so I do leave DD in hers if she's asleep, etc.) but it sounds like you're being bullied by the pair of them.

Avoiding blankets is not NHS or Lullaby Trust advice and swaddling is neither here nor there in terms of SIDS. AAP recommend no blankets but I think their guidelines for a lot of things are over-scaremongering and unhelpful - I would go with NHS or Lullaby Trust, as these are actually evidence based.

There is a balance to be had between being anxious every minute about tiny incremental risks of things that will probably never happen, and being totally blasé saying nothing bad will happen while taking massive risks. The biggest problem here is that you don't seem to be able to communicate with your husband and he seems dismissive of your fears. If you worry that you are being over anxious (which some of this might be, a bit) then you should try and talk to your health visitor but on the other hand, you are only trying to follow advice given by professionals and your husband should be respecting that. Grandparents always seem to think modern advice is OTT but they ought to defer to parental preference. Again, DH should be on your side supporting you, not MIL. Mocking your anxiety and saying the baby has more fun ( while sleeping?) with him is pretty shit and unsupportive.

Tell them both to read up on the Fourth Trimester, the first few months after baby is born, a mother is protective of her baby because she has to be, it’s an instinctive reaction, hormones kick in. Your husband should be supporting you, not siding with his mother.
Ive got grandchildren and I follow whatever their mother says in regard to their care when I look after them.
re the swaddling, mine girls wouldn’t be swaddled, I tried but no 1 hated it, no. 2 couldn’t be swaddled, she had a hip problem and needed a brace to keep her legs apart for a while, so I used sheet and blankets,

Re the swaddling, it becomes dangerous when done with blankets because the heat is trapped and having it layered multiple times means that it’s like the baby is suddenly surrounded by 4-5 blankets and can overheat.

swaddle wraps which gave Velcro or similar and are one layer, or swaddle sleeping bags labelled with the tog, or swaddling with an oversized muslin in place of a blanket are all perfectly safe

@rosewater20 I have a 3 month old and a 15 month old so I’m very up to date with what’s recommended by the Lullaby Trust.

You absolutely can use a loose blanket on a baby. Of course you can. Maybe your hospital didn’t allow it but many postnatal wards have a little picture of how the baby should sleep attached to all cots. Baby is on back with a blanket on them which is tucked in underneath their shoulder

I think you are not being unjustified here - I mean you can tell them 'This isn't forever, it's just while baby is so small and vulnerable' You're just asking for simple things to do that increase safety, none of these things are over the top - you're not asking them to check on the baby every hour in the night or something extreme like that.

You need a cellular blanket and not a fleecy type

This isn't really about the current safe care practices , these change over time so there is no absolute. It is about how they are making you feel as a very new mum. This is awful, they should be helping and supporting not making you feel bullied . It is really horrible to say your baby doesn't enjoy being with you. If they think your ideas are a bit much they should understand where that is coming from and support you. I hope you have others who can be there for you.

My kids are older but I’d be more worried especially at this time of year about overheating from swaddling thst a tucked in blanket.

However your baby is only 3 weeks old, you are just finding your feet, you don’t need mocked by the person who is supposed to live you both. You need support and reassurance and to feel like you can trust him as a parent. Is your MIL around a lot? Does he always look for her approval even at your expense?

The major issue here is your partner and his mum both being very unkind and dismissive of you. Your partner should be supporting you and telling his mum to back off. It's your baby and the way you do things is up to you, and your partner. He should be on the same page as you. The particular way he is dismissing you is really unpleasant with the comments about "fun". Looking after a newborn is about care and safety, not "fun" at this age.

Do you think your partner will listen if you have a serious talk with him about your relationship and his lack of support and his undermining comments?