Husband thinks Im overreacting/overprotective of baby

[Smilezb]

Hello I always tend to look here for my baby advice. This is my first time posting because I really need some advice. But honestly I am at my wits end. My husband and his mother constantly do things with the baby that can cost SIDS (This is my biggest fear first time mom) example they put a blanket over baby and dont swaddle, my husband has suggested leaving baby in car seat when we take him out of car, slept with pacifier clip attached in nighttime. And each time I detest this with both of them I am told that I am to overproctective and always worrying about sids or that I believe everything I see on the internet or the famous line my mother and my friends did it with their kids and they are fine. He has even went as far to say that when the baby is with me the baby is miserable and has more fun with them. Is/Has anyone of you went through this? Can i have some advice maybe?

They certainly do change! It was an absolute when my babies were new that they slept on their fronts to prevent chocking on vomit. A cot bumper was essential to prevent injuries to baby's head from the hard bars. Car seats didn't exist and we had a carry cot strapped in the back seat so baby could sleep comfortably.

New guidelines come out on a regular basis and, of course, new mums will follow them to the letter.

If I had a baby now, I would, as I did then. Some grandparents believe their way is the best way as the rules were equally as strict, although different. Stick to what you are doing OP and if you get mocked, ignore them. You are doing well.

Thank you

Thank you

Yes I do agree with you 100% and my Mil said the same thing that babies should sleep in hats. I told her that babiee can overheat and she brings up that she did it with all her kids. Well it wont be happening with mine!

Thank you so much. Will do.

Thank you for this advice. ♥️

No my Mil is not around alot. And yes he looks for her approval rather than mine because in his mind she " raised 4 children and they came out fine" while im here trying "Figure it out"

We are all trying to figure it out, first or fifteenth, three weeks old or 30. My oldest is 22 and I’m still working out how it works. You’re doing great, from the sound of it. I wish I had suggestions about how to deal with him (at least she’s not constantly there in person). Perhaps you could ask the HV to have a word with him ?

Tell them to get stuffed. X

Right.. I would absolutely get your HV on board here.. Tell her exactly what has been said by both of them, how it makes you feel and ask her advice.. I would then ask her to visit you whilst he's there and ask the questions again.. She'll know already what he's said and will pretend it's the first time she's heard it.. Bet he listens to her!
And about your anxiety.. Mention it to her too.. There is help out there.. I'm saying this gently... Please don't let anxiety 'ruin' motherhood for you.. The risk of SIDS is very low although I do understand your fears... I'm going to be a Grandma in the new year and although I have raised 3 and been a neonatal nurse and a childminder and nanny forever I will be following the recent research and advice.. The words. 'in my day' with regards to the safety of my Grandchild and the MH of my DD, won't ever pass my lips. Thinking of you...

3w and a loose blanket. Wtf.

yes that’s a Sid’s risk

big time

and babies should not ideally sleep in car seats unless in car

once our remove to buggy or cot so a flat firm mattress

again to lessen risk of Sid’s

Swaddling isn't really advised. If you really must swaddle, use something thin like a muslin.

Obviously big loose blankets aren't advised. A normal cellular baby blanket is though! Tucked in, leave babes arms free.

Swaddling is fine and makes baby secure

.obv make sure it’s an appropriate tog for weather and temp of room and be aware of what is underneath ie vest or babygro and layers

im a mn and been known to go into houses in the hottest summer and baby swaddled IN Thick blankets or n gro bag with tov 3 and full babygro

.obv they got changed into vest /naked and parents advised

My health visitor MIL once told me in a very patronising way that I shouldn't be co-sleeping with my baby because the Lullaby Trust deem it not to be safe sleep practice. The next day she proceeded to put my 4 week old down for a nap in the crib (I think to prove a point) covered in blankets all up to her face. I was fuming. Went straight up and took them all off. Just do what feels right to you and sod anyone who makes you feel silly!

@rosewater20 I was told by my midwife not that long ago that a blanket was the only safe option in a crib? That was NHS guidelines - they said sleep sacks hadn't been researched enough. Have they changed all this very recently?

@Lovetogarden2022 I am mostly going by the AAP guidelines. My understanding is America is ahead of the UK when it comes to safe sleep guidelines (something to do with the strict regulations they have for postmortems of a babies who have died from unexplained reasons). I did a lot of research on this when expecting my first and again a few months ago when preparing for my 2nd baby. I try to take information from both UK and US guidelines and hedge by going with the one that's a bit stricter and then checking in with my own intuition. The AAP just updated their guidelines. For instance, they don't want babies sleeping with a hat on past the first couple of hours after birth (even in hospital) due to overheating risk.

Regarding blankets vs. sleep-sack. I was part of a well-known Facebook group on safe sleep and read too many stories of babies getting blankets (even when tucked in tightly) up around their heads and suffocating as a result to be comfortable with having one in the cot with my baby. I will admit, the group is too over the top even for me when it comes to some of their guidelines, they take the AAP very seriously.

I also had an incident with my first where I woke up in the middle of the night and baby (as a newborn) had been able to get the blanket over his mouth.

For sleep-sacks, I make sure the arm and head holes aren't too big for baby. I feel very safe with baby sleeping in them. I also don't overdress baby, and normally just do a babygrown and sleep-sack or swaddle (one of the ones that comes pre made). I am far more worried about overheating than I am about baby being a bit cold.

My understanding is America is ahead of the UK when it comes to safe sleep guidelines (something to do with the strict regulations they have for postmortems of a babies who have died from unexplained reasons).

Their infant mortality is constantly much higher.

Do you mean for births or throughout the first year of a babies life? How many of those death are the result of people following vs. not following safe sleep guidelines outlined by AAP? And what does this have to do with their regulations for postmortems for babies who have died from unknown reasons (ie. using that information to revise safe sleep guidelines).

I understand that the US has high infant as well as maternal mortality rates with childbirth (rather shocking or perhaps not considering the best healthcare is for those who can pay for it) but we are talking about safe sleep not mortality rates that correspond with birth. I am sorry if I am not understanding your comment correctly but it would be helpful if you answered the above questions because my understanding when looking at safe sleep stats, is that if followed, the rates of infant death from SIDS or suffocation, etc. go down considerably.

I’m part of a Facebook pregnancy & baby group associated with my hobby that’s got a lot of middle class Americans.

They definitely pay almost no heed to the AAP guidelines - they frequently put them in their own room from birth, Dock a Tots/Sleepyheads are used in cots, they use weighted swaddles, they sleep train well before 4 months etc. About the only thing that worries them is blankets…

@Porridgeislife I agree with that. I have relatives in America who do exactly as you describe and I find it shocking. I have a cousin who keeps trying to get me to use a dock a tot as she said her baby sleeps through the night in it and she won't hear anything about how dangerous they are for sleep. I believe Canada doesn't even sell dock a tots because of the risk of suffocation. And I have had many many conversations with my family when they visit as to why we can't leave our baby sleeping in the bouncer, etc.

When I mention the AAP, its not because I think American parents are above what we do in the UK (although I am sure there are many American's who do take the guidelines seriously, you can check out the American safe sleep facebook group for proof of that), it's simply because I try to look at guidelines across the UK, the US and also Canada (I think Canada's guidelines are very similar to the US and they too don't recommend loose blankets) and just try to combine those and hope for the best. It's probably way too much worry and I can be anxious about safety but it helps me sleep better at night.

This is hilarious. Yep. It's the same on Reddit. Why are blankets so terrifying? God knows. And the using the dock a tot etc in the bed because co-sleeping is deadly but a bit of foam is going to stop you rolling on the baby, right-o then.

Absolutely can use a blanket on baby - if you look on lullaby trust it shows how to tuck in the sides correctly under baby’s armpits. I actually used a blanket instead of a bag for the first few weeks as I was worried baby would disappear inside the bag - he was so little! Then switched to the bag later. Use a cellular blanket.
As for the car seat - fine for baby to come in the house and finish their nap in the car seat as long as near you. You are not meant to have them in for an extended time but the last bit of a nap is ok.
Dummy clip IS dangerous though.