CM won’t take 13 month old DD as too ‘exuberant’

[Lucidas]

We started settling in sessions with a view to me returning to work next month. CM has now backed out and said that 13 month DD is too exuberant and she’s concerned about how her other mindees, who are gentle and quiet, will cope with her behaviour.

I don’t think her behaviour is that outrageous. She is very active, has been walking for a few months. She played, climbed on top of the sofa a few times, managed to undo the stair gate (CM doesn’t normally fasten it from the bottom because ‘none of the other children are a flight risk), smacked me while laughing a few times (I tell her off firmly/gently but not sure how much she understands), dropped a few books behind the sofa, etc.

This makes things difficult for me work-wise and CM availability is very limited around her. Obviously I’ll accept the CM’s call but still feeling gutted and that this is generally within the realm of normal toddler behaviour

Maybe its just a general concern of the CM's that too many toddlers or an additional child of that age will be too hard?

13 - 19 months is peak pain-in-the-arse age for a child.

Agreed, it’s a difficult age. She looks after a boy that same age so I can see that.

The other children really do seem exceptionally quiet though, playing in a corner of the room with minimal noise for a whole hour.

CM's are such small settings it isn't like a nursery, so 'fit' with the other children is important too.
There's nothing wrong with your baby, it just isn't the right setting for her.

There is nothing wrong with your child or the decision of the CM.

Unlike a nursery the dynamic of the children is important given the ratio of children to CM.

Frankly this sounds like a responsible CM whose putting the safeguarding of all children first by saying your child isn't one she can integrate successfully and safely into their current set up.

It's not a reflection of your child or your parenting.

I'm sorry, for most Muns the return to work is difficult enough without childcare issues.

However, better to find out now than a few days in.

It really doesn't matter whether DD IS 'lively' or not, all that matters is that the CM feels she's not a 'good fit' with her other mindees. It could be that DD is more lively than most toddlers or it could be the others are shy/timid/introverts. Not necessarily concerning with any of them, just maybe not an ideal mix.

'Quiet ones' is possibly a large part of why she picks the children/families. She does.

Thanks all, makes sense. Will draw a line under it and continue the hunt for a better fit.

DS is 'lively', nursery has been a great fit for him, he's quite extroverted and loves the noise, other children and activities. Plus they have forest school, dance class, Spanish lessons, 'choir' (the racket is incredible) and all kinds of other things, this week a visit from police where they met a police dog, heard a talk and got to sit in a police car. He's been there since he was about the same age as your child, obviously activities are aged appropriately, he's 3 now. A childminder wouldn't have been the right environment for him, maybe your DC is the same.

The cm was honest and that she’s feels your child isn’t for her

your child sounds like a normal toddler

both of you aren’t wrong iyswim.

tho they do sound very quiet kids

Sounds sensible. she can’t manage and she’s told you.

we tried a childminder twice for our first and it just wasn’t right for me or him, not enough notice for days off (I’m a HCP), too much being dragged out for nursery or school pick ups during sleep tInes. First time she told me, second time; I knew wasn’t working…

nursery worked better and it’s great that there are different childcare options available.

Relationship with the other kids is very important in a CM setting. My DD is exuberant too, and always has been! Perfectly normal, she’s just an outdoorsy chatterbox. She went to one setting where the kids were more introverted and found it very boring because although it was a free flow area, she was always the only one in the garden. There were two childminders as it was a mum and daughter team so they could supervise her adequately, but she really needed to be around other kids who had a similar temperament.

(I was an introverted kid so on the flip side remember hating one club and crying the whole way through because everyone was so loud and I just wanted to look at some books!)

Why did you allow her to climb on the top of the sofa? I have been a childminder and climbing on furniture wasn’t allowed, I don’t allow my own kids so I wouldn’t allow anyone else’s. It’s dangerous for a start. She also hit you. I get that kids hit, but their parent, twice, in what was presumably a shortish session?

I personally used a nursery and that seems like it might be a better fit. I also agree about pick ups, my school pick ups were 3 minutes walk, it’s a pain for little ones if they are in the car for ages.

She sounds a bit lazy tbh and in your place I would be worried that your DD wouldn't be getting the exercise and stimulation she needs. Children that age should be encouraged to be active and frequently engaged in active play. So probably best for your DD that the childminder has pulled out, even if a pain in the short-term. Pick somewhere that has opportunities for your DD to run and climb and bustle about safely so she has plenty of opportunities to develop her gross motor skills.

Quite the opposite, I'm probably similar to the cm the OP saw. I work hard to support children to make appropriate choices. This is my home and I do not allow jumping on my furniture, hitting me around the head... basics I think. We have a fully equipped garden and go out every day. Just because children aren't running around hollering and trashing the place doesn't mean they aren't being themselves and active learners.

And actually most of my decisions is based on the parent reaction to such behaviour. So many are very passive to disruptive behaviour and this doesn't match my style. I will always deal children hitting me, insist they don't jump on my furniture etc. It's not about having 'quiet' children because they are easier but having high expectations of behaviour.

Pretty rude to let your kid climb on the furniture in someone else's house!

I don’t think her behaviour is that outrageous

I think this is the issue. She shouldn't be undoing the stair gate, climbing on top of the sofa or hitting you. You need to tell her no when she does those things. It will be hard for the childminder to keep her safe if she's able to escape and can climb on top of sofa.

She needs to prepare food, put them down for a nap, change nappies etc which will be hard to do if she needs to be watching your DD constantly.

Be glad that she was honest, if she doesn't want your child, better to know now. But I disagree with this pickiness, all settings are supposed to be inclusive. Would she turn away a disabled child or an autistic child if there weren't quiet not too much bother children. There's a line between choosing what works for the setting and discrimination.
Maybe try a nursery instead.

I'd sack looking at childminders and look into nursery.
A childminder would have been a last resort for me.

How long was the settling in session? Most are only an hour or so, so if that was the case your DD was pretty lively in a short space of time.

The interview and settling in sessions are just as much for the childminder to see if you and your child fit as it is for you to assess the childminder.

She does also need to consider the needs of her existing mindees who obviously have different personalities.

If you have a lively child then I agree with a previous poster a larger nursery settling will allow more space, a broader range of children and additional staff.

You will find somewhere that's a better fit OP, a nursery will have more people so a bigger range of personalities of both children and adults.
We left a childminder, she had very clear expectations that little girls should be calm and quiet, while boys could spend time letting off steam, because, ya know, they're boyand canjelp it. Another local cm had lots of subdued minders because she was vile to them and they were totally cowed.

But I disagree with this pickiness, all settings are supposed to be inclusive. Would she turn away a disabled child or an autistic child if there weren't quiet not too much bother children. There's a line between choosing what works for the setting and discrimination.

A childminder is a person running a private business, they can be “picky”. I’d say the line between what works for the setting and discrimination is a wide one.

A few years ago a neighbour sent their son to a lovely local CM who was all about arts and crafts, sensory activities nicely themed etc. Friend’s son used to come in every day and trash the lovely display/Tuff tray she’d set up. It didn’t take long before the CM served notice on the parents.

This child is 13 months old. She's not going to sit quietly in a corner all day and some children that age do climb on everything. What discipline can you use with a baby that age except keep saying no, remove and distract? You just have to be constantly vigilant and it sounds like this childminder doesn't want the hassle. Which is fair enough, I guess - she's a private business like people have said so up to her if she just wants easy children.

I agree with the others saying look at a nursery. My DD was very active at that age (still is) and was nicknamed the whirlwind in the baby room. The outdoor facilities and mix of age groups meant she thrived at nursery but she would have caused chaos in a smaller quiet setting.

The more I re read your post the more I understand why cm said no

as others said. In a Short time your dd

climbed on top of sofa

smacked you several times

tried to escape (tho cm should make sure stair gate is properly locked)

she prob thought you weren’t firm enough and doesn’t want to keep saying no to dd when uou don’t seem to be that bothered on her behaviour

course dd understands no. You just have to follow it through

Sounds like not a good fit. It would never occur to me to be bothered by a baby climbing on a sofa - they won't damage it - or hitting out of excitement, and of course they will test a stairgate. (I was lucky and mine didn't work it out until about 3). Don't worry OP, they do grow out of this stuff, my older ones have certainly grown to understand the difference between climbing appropriately (trees, climbing frames etc) for fun and respecting people's property, rough and gentle touch, and generally are nice people despite not being disciplined at one year old except for managing risk etc - and your parenting sounds fine. People have different parenting styles and it may be that yours doesn't mesh with this childminder which is also fine.

Maybe it just gives you information on what to look for - my approach is more to manage the environment when DC are tiny rather than expecting a great deal of compliance from them and bring in more limits as they can communicate better and learn more skills. Others prefer to set rules and expect the DC to stick to the rules from an early age so that it's clear and doesn't feel like shifting boundaries as they get older. Both are reasonable approaches in their own way. So you could ask questions along this vein in other settings.

The part of this which is frustrating is that the settling in session/matchmaking session was not done earlier to allow more time to compare with other settings although you weren't to know. It's a bit of a minefield the first time.