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Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

CM won’t take 13 month old DD as too ‘exuberant’

48 replies

Lucidas · 25/07/2022 23:46

We started settling in sessions with a view to me returning to work next month. CM has now backed out and said that 13 month DD is too exuberant and she’s concerned about how her other mindees, who are gentle and quiet, will cope with her behaviour.

I don’t think her behaviour is that outrageous. She is very active, has been walking for a few months. She played, climbed on top of the sofa a few times, managed to undo the stair gate (CM doesn’t normally fasten it from the bottom because ‘none of the other children are a flight risk), smacked me while laughing a few times (I tell her off firmly/gently but not sure how much she understands), dropped a few books behind the sofa, etc.

This makes things difficult for me work-wise and CM availability is very limited around her. Obviously I’ll accept the CM’s call but still feeling gutted and that this is generally within the realm of normal toddler behaviour

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Wickywickyyow · 28/07/2022 08:37

The child being 13 months isn't the point, what if she climbs and falls? At what age do you stop saying it's fine as she's only little? How many children are you happy to have jumping on your furniture? We have recently bought new sofas, why should I have them jumped on? How do I tell the 3 and 4 year old that this child is allowed but they aren't?

Sunshinegirl82 · 28/07/2022 09:10

It's annoying but I think you're right just to draw a line under it and look elsewhere. Our childminder has been fantastic for our very active DS2, loads of outdoor adventures and getting muddy which he loves. You just need a better fit.

To be honest I'd worry it wouldn't be fun for her there anyway, not the childminders fault just not the right environment for her.

Nursery is also a really good option and DS1 was very happy at nursery with free flow outdoor play and lots of activities.

She's only a baby, sounds like the things you list are not unusual for an active toddler. Good luck finding somewhere!

Lucidas · 28/07/2022 23:41

Yes, agreed that a different environment will be better. CM also suggested a nursery, although I think a more lively childminding setting - with more emphasis on outdoor space eg - could also work well.

I see the point about taking into account the temperaments of other children, but surely an entirely homogenous setting - all children very placid - isn’t ideal either in terms of preparing them for social interaction? CM was also stressing to the other mindees while I was there not to be rough with toys etc (even though the 3 year old girl was being really gentle!), so its likely to be her influence shaping the environment and temperaments too.

I don’t think the behaviour was that outrageous. A 13 month old shouldn’t be able to undo a properly done stair gate. Playful hitting is par for the course and outgrown if responded to firmly/consistently, which I was doing in front of her.

I don’t know if climbing is that unusual. She climbs on everything and does need watchful attention - that I understand as tricky for CM.

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Lucidas · 28/07/2022 23:43

I don’t understand this point. Do you expect children of all ages to behave in exactly the same way for consistency? Surely a 4 year old can comprehend much more than a 1 year old and that would shape your guidance and expectations? Not in climbing, but in everything… eating, play, social interaction.

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Lucidas · 28/07/2022 23:43

^@Wickywickyyow

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converseandjeans · 29/07/2022 00:11

Playful hitting is par for the course and outgrown if responded to firmly/consistently, which I was doing in front of her.

No neither of mine have ever hit me or undone a stair gate & they weren't allowed to climb on furniture.

At that age they were able to sit and behave at rhyme and sign or mass (where children are expected to sit in the pew).

We're not what I would consider strict tbh. They were always encouraged to run free or climb when it was appropriate.

Hardbackwriter · 29/07/2022 00:18

I feel like either I've entered a parallel universe or lots of posters haven't realised quite how young she is. I'm a relatively strict parent but a 13 month old is an actual baby. I'd get her down from the sofa and I'd say 'no' and put her down if she hit, but people suggesting that either behaviour is anything to do with parenting or in any way unusual are baffling to me.

surreygirl1987 · 29/07/2022 00:22

No neither of mine have ever hit me or undone a stair gate & they weren't allowed to climb on furniture

Oh for goodness sake. Not every child is the same! My youngest was the sweetest most placid little baby but is currently going through a really annoying hitting phase. I'm extremely firm with him but he's still testing me at the moment. My children have never managed to undo the baby gate but they did manage to unlock the front door at an early age! Children are all different and it's not necessarily due to parenting skills, contrary to popular belief (ie on this thread!).

OP, I have two very exuberant little boys and they are both thriving in nursery. A childminding setting like the one you are describing would not have suited them in the slightest.

surreygirl1987 · 29/07/2022 00:23

I feel like either I've entered a parallel universe or lots of posters haven't realised quite how young she is. I'm a relatively strict parent but a 13 month old is an actual baby. I'd get her down from the sofa and I'd say 'no' and put her down if she hit, but people suggesting that either behaviour is anything to do with parenting or in any way unusual are baffling to me.

Agreed , absolute bonkers.

thatsnotmynamec · 29/07/2022 07:02

All the people with the well behaved toddlers. Congratulations you had an easy toddler. That does not make you the toddler whisperer it just means your a parent who got lucky.

I've raised 3 children, two would absolutely be accepted at a childminder, loved crafts and jigsaws. They made me look like the best parent in the world. My third, I parented exactly the same but totally different kettle of fish. He did not do quiet activities, he did not listen or respond to the word no, he did have massive tantrums. Had he have been my first I would have assumed I was a bad parent but instead I learnt a valuable lesson. How well behaved your toddler is, is more about them than you.

Sunshinegirl82 · 29/07/2022 07:30

It all sounds a bit Stepford-ish to be honest OP, I would be worried about my child being in that sort or environment.

When I visited my childminder it felt like a home. Children bustling about, zooming around on little ride ons, asking her for help with various toys and games, building a den in a cupboard. It was lovely and still is. They spent yesterday at a local pond and came back filthy, exhausted and happy which seems pretty good to me!

There are boundaries obviously but they are babies/toddlers so they won't always behave perfectly, not all children are the same. She is still so little, I genuinely think her "behaviour" is just being a baby. Some are placid, some aren't, c'est la vie!

My sofa doubles as a softplay/gym/den building facility and the cushions spend more time on the floor than on the sofa. A baby climbing on a sofa is a complete non event in my book!

Lucidas · 29/07/2022 08:37

@Sunshinegirl82 that sounds like a wonderful environment! I’m not averse to a nursery, not at all, but I’m not convinced that it HAS to be only a nursery that can meet more physical / active needs of children.

This thread has definitely been an eye opener in terms of some of the attitudes and expectations of (very small) children here. If this reflects the huge variation in the childminding landscape then I might just need to keep hunting.

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gogohmm · 29/07/2022 08:41

It's awful when they are rejected young. My dd "failed" the entrance to preschool and it felt terrible. She ended up at a special needs preschool instead which was far better quality but I didn't know she was autistic at 22 months

surreygirl1987 · 29/07/2022 09:21

It all sounds a bit Stepford-ish to be honest OP, I would be worried about my child being in that sort or environment

So would I actually. I'd run a mile!

surreygirl1987 · 29/07/2022 09:24

All the people with the well behaved toddlers. Congratulations you had an easy toddler. That does not make you the toddler whisperer it just means your a parent who got lucky

Exactly. I used to know a woman whose first child was so well behaved as a toddler. She was so smug and patronising to others about their toddlers' behaviour, telling people what she does. Then she had a second child. Ha - he was wild. She really struggled with him and had to eat her words. She eventually realised that it wasn't her 'wonderful' parenting at all that led to her first child behaving so well. It does make me laugh when parents think they know it all.

Goldbar · 29/07/2022 09:26

Hardbackwriter · 29/07/2022 00:18

I feel like either I've entered a parallel universe or lots of posters haven't realised quite how young she is. I'm a relatively strict parent but a 13 month old is an actual baby. I'd get her down from the sofa and I'd say 'no' and put her down if she hit, but people suggesting that either behaviour is anything to do with parenting or in any way unusual are baffling to me.

Yes, this is essentially a big mobile baby. She's going to climb and run and jump and hit, if that's what she's into. And there isn't a lot her carers can do about it except provide plenty of physical challenges for her, supervise closely and when she does something she shouldn't, say no, distract and move away. I'm amazed people think this behaviour is a reflection on the OP's parenting... it's totally normal for the age.

BertieBotts · 29/07/2022 10:45

Wickywickyyow · 28/07/2022 08:37

The child being 13 months isn't the point, what if she climbs and falls? At what age do you stop saying it's fine as she's only little? How many children are you happy to have jumping on your furniture? We have recently bought new sofas, why should I have them jumped on? How do I tell the 3 and 4 year old that this child is allowed but they aren't?

Like I said some people prefer to set rules that are consistent for all and just have that the case from the beginning - that clearly works for you and great. Why not. Nothing wrong with that.

In case you are being genuinely curious:

I watch and spot for falls, although really a fall from a sofa is unlikely to cause a huge amount of harm to a toddler, so I would not be terribly concerned about it being a danger (I'm referring to my own children - likely the tolerance for danger would be different if I were looking after other people's). The tall part of all our sofas are currently against walls anyway, so you could only fall from the seat height. When they were not, we would always have an adult nearby if a baby wanted to climb on the back of them or take them down and engage them in something else if we could not watch.

No set age - probably around 5-6, maybe depending on the exuberance of the play - this would be a dialogue and case by case basis from probably 2-3 years. For other people's sofas, I'd likely have hold of a child up to approx 3, although IME they are generally a bit reserved and not wanting to fully explore new places once they are past 18-24 months anyway, so it wouldn't come up, except if it's a childcare setting that they're meant to treat as home. Older than that I would tell them not to climb, but generally by that age, they are copying the example of other kids in the house so if they aren't climbing then they won't either (and if they are then it's probably fine with the parents).

I don't mind if multiple children climb on my sofa. I would purposefully not buy new sofas while we have small children. But if I did I would probably select for robustness, maybe cheapness as well. Certainly if I was a childminder, I'd be looking for washable covers, possibly replaceable parts (IKEA?) and cushions that don't misshape. For me, things in my house suffering wear and tear is par for the course and not worth a constant battle and stress to keep things pristine when DC are little. I would rather accept that it's likely to happen and work around it. So we have mostly IKEA, cheap, easily fixable, wipe clean furniture. Some people would find that really difficult/depressing, so perhaps it's more of a priority to them to teach children to respect furniture at a younger age. I quite like IKEA stuff so I don't mind at all.

I just explain to my children at 3/4/5/6/etc why something is OK or not and they generally are fine or we work out some kind of compromise or different activity - they seem to be able to understand just fine that babies don't know everything yet or are smaller or aren't deliberately doing something or don't mean to hurt when they hit out of excitement. If it's causing a real issue (I remember once the baby was sitting on a box or toy or something that when the 3yo sat on it, it deformed but he was upset that the baby was allowed when we took him off) then I would stop letting the baby do it as well or move everyone onto a different activity. I don't tend to enforce stuff by punishment so maybe that's why it doesn't feel unfair? It's not like hey, when the baby does this you let them but when I do this I get put in time out. Because that's not what's happening. It's just a kind of constant assessment and figuring out what's working for each person right now. It's a bit the same as when an older child is allowed to do something (maybe play in the garden alone, play a computer game, use some complicated or messy art equipment, drink fizzy drinks/eat boiled sweets etc) but a younger one is not. You can distract them or work through their disappointment just the same as in that situation.

As I said - not a childminder, so only based on my own children but having looked up the ratios I think this approach (combined with a pretty robust childproof area for childminding in and being confident that things like safety gates are fastened, not being too worried about damage to furniture etc) would be totally managable with up to 3 under 5s plus up to 3 older children.

Sunshinegirl82 · 29/07/2022 11:09

Lucidas · 29/07/2022 08:37

@Sunshinegirl82 that sounds like a wonderful environment! I’m not averse to a nursery, not at all, but I’m not convinced that it HAS to be only a nursery that can meet more physical / active needs of children.

This thread has definitely been an eye opener in terms of some of the attitudes and expectations of (very small) children here. If this reflects the huge variation in the childminding landscape then I might just need to keep hunting.

I am honestly so grateful for her! As with anything there are huge variations in approach and there are definitely childminders out there that will provide a fantastic environment for your DD. It will probably just be whether you can find one that is a good fit within your time frame.

My childminder is always fully booked and has a waitlist but spaces do open up so you might just need to be really proactive and consider looking at nurseries too as a back up. Good luck!

wibblywobblybits · 29/07/2022 11:14

You have to think of it like a job interview, you could be perfectly capable of doing the job but if you won't fit in with the team then they won't hire you. Doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, or your daughter, or the way you parent. She doesn't sound naughty, she's just boisterous. And if none of the other children are, maybe the CM has actively chosen the calmer children because that's the environment she wants. Please don't take it personally, maybe look for a nursery setting instead?

Tanith · 29/07/2022 13:57

I'd like to point out that the childminder won't just be making her decision based on your child's behaviour, but also on your reaction to that behaviour.

What did you do when your child climbed all over her furniture and hit you?

If your reaction didn't match her discipline ideas, she made the right decision because it's a waste of time trying to work with a parent whose methods and attitude are not in agreement.

Covidwoes · 29/07/2022 19:16

My now 4 year old DD wouldn't have been accepted by that childminder! She didn't climb up sofas and furniture , but was very active and absolutely wasn't one to sit and play quietly. Nursery really suited her, as there were plenty of activities to keep her stimulated, and she wasn't expected to sit quietly and play for a long length of time. I went to visit a childminder for her today (for after school care) and while that definitely suits her now (she's still active, but will sit and draw, play etc) it absolutely wouldn't have been the right environment for her at 13 months.
Smug parents with PFB quiet kids make me laugh. My second DD (18 months) is way more easy going than her sister was and is so much more independent with her play. Some kids just have different temperaments.
I would recommend looking for a CM who goes outdoors a lot, and has a big garden to accommodate you active DD. Either that, or a nursery. Good luck! And don't feel bad about your parenting. My extremely active DD has turned out to be a really curious, clever girl who absolutely loves life and can't wait to start school.

Nannymaggy · 03/08/2022 15:51

Sounds like you had your hands full taking your little one for the visits so the childminder maybe feels unable or unwilling to sacrifice time with other children or food prep etc just so that she can man mark her with 1-1 supervision . Smacking in face and climbing on sofa plus fiddling with stair gate all are red flags to me that you aren’t communicating enough boundaries (and I think you know this by the way you described your discipline as gentle/firm….. which one is it?!)

Lucidas · 04/08/2022 21:56

@Nannymaggy I see no contradiction between being gentle (kind) but firm. Especially with 13 month old aka still an infant.

Understood that CM didn’t want to exert additional effort but she didn’t actually say that once.

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