nanny issue. Starting to feel uncomfortable - is this normal?

[goldenoldie]

had day nanny for 7 months for 4 days a week. my 2 year olds cry everytime she arrives and don't go to her. maybe they don't like her? Maybe they are not having such a great time with her?
making me feel uncomfortable as they go to nursery 1 day a week and, apart from first few weeks when they were reluctant, they rush in all smiles and clearly love it.

should they still be crying when they see her, even after 7 months?

I would find that worrying, I`m sorry. They should be used to having fun with her and be happy to see her.

they should definitely adore her by now ... Can they tell you anything about their day with her?

I agree. I would be concerned. I have a similar issue in that my kids don't seem to want to spend time with current nanny. But she is due to leave in a couple of months anyway. So, I'm just going to ride it out.

Golden, what about sending them to nursery (since they like it) and maybe getting an au pair for the childcare run?

How do they act when she leaves? DS cried every morning on our nanny's arrival, for about six months, largely because he didn't want me to go to work. But he was equally reluctant to let her go home at the end of the day (not crying, just wanted her to stay as well as me), so I wasn't too worried about it. any time I've come home unscheduled they've been having a great time.

eleusius - nursery not really an option, I need the flexibility of a day nanny, and mine are too young to be left with an au-pair

legalalien - they just ignore her when she is going out the door, rarely even bother to say goodbye

How can I raise it with her? Don't want to say 'my kids don't like you'.

My AP went away for Christmas and came back after nearly 3 weeks away on Wednesday and my ds (aged 16 months) ran to her and was so excited to see her even though she has no responsibility for him as he goes to a CM. She's only been with us three months as well. I've a had a Nanny that my kids didn't take to (they were the same age as yours) and I sacked her - turned out she used to scream at the kids and just dump the baby in the cot all day long. I personally would trust their instincts as I did but it doesn't make it any easier when dealing with the Nanny does it?

I used to be a nanny and the children should be at least okay with her. How is she with them when she arrives in the morning and leaves in the evening?

I think I'd be tempted to turn up unnannounced and see what's going on.

Does she not go to them and give them a cuddle when she leaves?

Yeah, that wasn't really a very well thought out suggestion of mine. Although I wasn't thinking she look after them, just run them to and from the nursery and may be do extra hour or two here and there.

Anyway, I'm in a real pissy mood due to my own nanny hunt going to Hell. I took one to dinner the other night, who then told me she has decided to stay where she is. Waste of time and money that was!

Does she take them out to any activities. Do you know any parents at those activities? And could you ask them what the relationship between nanny and kids is like when you aren't around?

Yikes. My old nanny was truly awful - she was foul to my children (they were tiny so they couldn't tell me). I had concerns from quite early on and should have gone with my instincts and got rid of her right away but I waited until I had seen it with my own eyes. By this stage your children should definitely be looking forward to seeing their nanny - 7 months is a long time in the life of a two year old.

FWIW my children adore their current nanny and squeal when she comes in.

That would bother me tbh. Do you leave immediately? I could more or less understand the dcs crying when I leave, but not when the nanny arrives.

Any chance of you working from home for a couple of days?

Even if you nanny is competent i think that you could do better. Your dcs deserve to have someone that they look forward to.

As a nanny this would really worry me to be honest. The first couple of months with my current two year old charge she did cry and not want to go to me when she saw me as in her mind me = mummy leaving (she even cried when I picked her up from nursery which was quite embarassing!) But by 7 months she was always excited to see me and would come to me for cuddles even if her mum was in the same room.

I would be concerened too.

Its kind of understandable to be upset when she arrives as it means mummy is leaving..but its important that they have a strong bond with their carer and are happy when they are with her.

I would pop back at stange times and creep in quietly to see what was going on..I would also try and ask friends of mine who could maybe keep an eye on her covertly at a playgroup she goes to regularly or something...just to be sure!

Im sure she isn't doing anything awful, you just need to check she is giving them as much attention and love that they need during the day (not chatting on the phone or watching tv all day).

Jenna

Have you spoken to your nanny? Is she concerned? If she's not bothered it would set alarm bells ringing.

If a child hasn't bonded with me by about 3 months or so I would be tempted to have a word with the parents just to check whether I'm not doing something - one former charge just wouldn't nap with me, had a word with the mother and it turned out she'd forgotten to tell me he'd only sleep with his comfort blanket (now a question included in interviews!)

alarm bells are ringing here.

My DS always tells me he doesn't want the nanny here and wants me to stay at home, and sometimes tells me he doesn't like her, but i know he is saying it to try to get me to stay at home and play. He is always totally relaxed when she arrives, goes straight to her and chats with her happily, and he also tells me about the things they do together and how much fun he has.

Crying when you leave the house is normal, crying when she arrives isn't. Take a sickie and see how they react.

FWIW my DS used to be like yours with another nanny and all our alarm bell instincts turned out to be right.

thaks for advice. Won't mention it to nanny yet. will start turning up unexpected and see what is happening.

Okay, can NannyNick or other enlighten us on the nanny's employment rights in this case? What are the actual rules if things just don't feel right? What can one day? Am esp concerned/interested because we are considering live in for hte first time and if it doesn't go well, I need to know what my options are.

harriet put a 3 month probation period in your contract - ie the first three months you can terminate on a weeks notice for any reason if you don't feel it is working out.

After that it should be standard 4 weeks notice to be fair, except in cases of serious breach which would include (specify) eg misuse of drugs, alcohol; loss of driving licence (if that matters to you); failure to keep children safe; violence or threatened violence; breach of confidentiality; theft or dishonesty; persistent failure to follow instructions; etc . If you want to get rid of them after the probation period for some other less serious reason it is only fair that you pay proper notice.

As a nanny, I think if after 7m, a child hadnt taken to me I'd be the one to bring it up. Mind you At this job I was asked after a week or so if I liked the boys as I never kissed them or hugged them when mum was around, I never kissed children as I was threatened with being reported to OFSTED when I kissed a baby on the head at a nursery so was v wary! I dint want to tread on mums toes, felt like usurping her place, so I bonded and huggled when she wasnt around!

As to nanny employment rights, I think that making sure the contract is a good one is important- sure Nannynick will have more to add! But Harriet live-in is different as she will be around the children on her time off- I tend to play with them, change a nappy if it smells! You will be able to see how she (or he, of course!) is with them. And you can spend more time with her and ask about her views etc.

yes i would be concerned

I LOVE the welcome i get from my charges every day i arrive

I find that between 2 and 3 years old, some children will associate the arrival of a carer, with the departure of a parent - and thus will create a fuss. However, it is very clear often (as others have commented) when the child is trying to manipulate the situation. To me it seems as though it's like the protest cry that children do when they are tired and don't want to go to bed. As soon as the parent is out of sight, the child stops. This is not something that just occurs with nannies - it occurs at pre-school, nursery and at childminders. Some children grow out of it in a short period of time, while others will take a lot longer.

Thus it can be hard to tell if the child and carer get along, if you are only seeing the child with the carer at the hand-over time. Therefore, dropping in unannounced is a good idea.

Golden - given that your twins (I am presuming you have twins, as you say '2 year olds' so more than one) adjusted to nursery within a few weeks, I would expect a similar pattern to have been followed with their nanny. Yet, you are saying it has gone on for 7 months... so it is a concern.
What are they like at the other end of the day? Do they seem happy when you arrive home?
Note: I do not give children a cuddle when I am about to leave... I tend to make a reasonably quiet exit - sometimes one of the children will follow me to the front door (an on occasion a child has protested strongly at my leaving, holding firmly onto my leg and screaming), while at other times I will be ignored. To avoid difficulties with departures, I do it in a low key way... the children know that dad/mum is home, and it's their opportunity to spend some quality family time together.

Sacking a nanny due to the children not liking the nanny - hmm, tricky one.
Probation period in contract with a short notice period, then following probation having a month's notice period - then you can dismiss a nanny for any reason you like, by just terminating the contract giving the appropriate notice. If you need to get an employee out faster, pay them in lieu of notice. Not sure there is much else you could do... it would not be instant dismissal, as I doubt it would fall under the Gross Misconduct section of contract.

You're right about that age group being more difficult to settle nick - I've found under 18 months it takes no time at all for them to get used to you, and 3-5 year olds understand that mummy goes to work and then comes back, so as long as you're kind and fun it's no problem. That age in the middle can be a nightmare! Still I would expect 3 months max for them to become close to a carer.

NN - yes they seem fine at the end of the day, but no kisses and cuddles for nanny, they throw themselves at me and don't turn back to her at all.

In the morning when she arrives there are always tears and clinging to me or DH, even now, 7 months later...............

She does not mix with other nannies or childminders - no playdates in the whole time she has been with us (completely unlike last nanny).

She takes them out, not as often as I would like, but most days. Seems to prefer the park or the library, not organised groups or activites where other nannies/kids will be around, so hard for me to ask anyone about how she engages with them.

Wonder if they are a bit bored with her?

TV always seems to be on when I get home and her phone constantly buzzing with new text messages - wonder if this is happening for most of the day?