Is my childminder being huffy or am I just being niave - again!

[JustOneMam]

Hi.

My son is 3 and has just started playscheme.

I have a childminder 4 days a week or 3.5days a week depending on my hours.

She seemed annoyed when I said I had applied to the playscheme but she always knew this was going to happen anyway.

Then I let her know he would be going 2 days a week. She seemed annoyed and said she didn't understand the need for him to go at all, as the other little mindee she has is 3 also and doesn't go to playscheme. She said that the mindee's mum has told her that she feels mindee gets enough stimulation at the minders house without going to playscheme.

I just feel different. There just is ds & other mindee and I want my son to mix with others, learn to share and have the experience of playscheme that his older sibling had.

I then text childminder on the day that ds started playscheme to tell her he loved it and it went well. Anyway the leader told me she actually had ds down for 3 days so I was fine with this and let the childminder know. She went odd on me and said did I not think she did a good job looking after him..and that she thinks one day would have been enough for him.. that's not the point.. I love her!! I love the way she is with ds but I feel he needs more! She will still have ds after playscheme and some mornings she will be dropping him off for me too.

Dh is not angry that the childminder thinks she has the right to tell us what to do with our son. He says that if she keeps this up we will look for someone else to have him after playscheme. He thinks it's about money, as she has always got paid for the hours she has him.. her own preference (same for other mindee)so this is cutting down on her hours... less pay. Of course I feel bad about thing, but now this means ds is part time she can take on more children, in fact she is getting a new mindee in September.

I don't want to confront her, she technically hasn't done anything.. she is just making me out to be neglectful for sending ds to a playscheme instead of her house She treats ds like her own, down to the fact that she often calls him XXXX (and her surname)And says she has 3 sons (she has just 2)

Any advice.. though not sure what would help

Oh JustOneMam I can see why you feel so awkward about it, after all your priority has to be leaving your son with people you know will care for him, and she sounds as though she definitely loves him.

The problem here is that she is overstepping the mark by miles. Questioning your decision, then making snide comments about DS "not being bothered" when you arrive, and saying SHE cried when you didn't - she sounds... rather rude, frankly, and as though she is trying to make out you're not a good Mum and she's better. In the end this WILL NOT be a good situation for your family, any of you. If she's saying this stuff to your face, what on earth could she be saying to DS about you? Next she could be telling him "Mummy doesn't love you as much as I do", is anyone else getting that vibe!?

I think you need to get things straight in your head as to what is bothering you and how you can tell her straight

1. the situation as you see it (without her trying to defend herself)
2. what you want her to do about it.

I can tell you think she's good in a lot of ways, but just loving kids on it's own is not enough to make you a good CM.

Plus, anyone can volunteer in a school - Mums often come in to listen to readers and so on. It doesn't mean you're trained, insured or legally entitled to be a CM.

Totally agree with NN.
This thread is giving me such deja vu. I swear you have my old childminder. (except at least she was registered). I did exactly the same thing of defending her behaviour on the grounds that she was so lovely with the children. But this problem is not going to go away. Eventually she will do something that is just too much for you to take and it is important that you start looking for other childcare options before that happens. If not you risk the situation we were in where we had 3 weeks to find a new CM/nursery. This was the most stressful time in my life and not something I would wish on anyone.

Can you start chatting to other local mums to see what good options are available. This also might help you to put in perspective how she is treating you. Believe us - this is not normal CM behaviour. I don't think she is dangerous but she is undermining you as a parent and is an inappropriate role model for your LO.