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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

Is my childminder being huffy or am I just being niave - again!

53 replies

JustOneMam · 07/01/2008 20:48

Hi.

My son is 3 and has just started playscheme.

I have a childminder 4 days a week or 3.5days a week depending on my hours.

She seemed annoyed when I said I had applied to the playscheme but she always knew this was going to happen anyway.

Then I let her know he would be going 2 days a week. She seemed annoyed and said she didn't understand the need for him to go at all, as the other little mindee she has is 3 also and doesn't go to playscheme. She said that the mindee's mum has told her that she feels mindee gets enough stimulation at the minders house without going to playscheme.

I just feel different. There just is ds & other mindee and I want my son to mix with others, learn to share and have the experience of playscheme that his older sibling had.

I then text childminder on the day that ds started playscheme to tell her he loved it and it went well. Anyway the leader told me she actually had ds down for 3 days so I was fine with this and let the childminder know. She went odd on me and said did I not think she did a good job looking after him..and that she thinks one day would have been enough for him.. that's not the point.. I love her!! I love the way she is with ds but I feel he needs more! She will still have ds after playscheme and some mornings she will be dropping him off for me too.

Dh is not angry that the childminder thinks she has the right to tell us what to do with our son. He says that if she keeps this up we will look for someone else to have him after playscheme. He thinks it's about money, as she has always got paid for the hours she has him.. her own preference (same for other mindee)so this is cutting down on her hours... less pay. Of course I feel bad about thing, but now this means ds is part time she can take on more children, in fact she is getting a new mindee in September.

I don't want to confront her, she technically hasn't done anything.. she is just making me out to be neglectful for sending ds to a playscheme instead of her house She treats ds like her own, down to the fact that she often calls him XXXX (and her surname)And says she has 3 sons (she has just 2)

Any advice.. though not sure what would help

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

love2sleep · 08/01/2008 09:25

I think you have our old childminder .

Eventually she threw us out which was the best thing that ever happened to us. We now have a fab CM who is utterly professional and supportive of our decisions.

good luck!

NiftyNanny · 08/01/2008 12:30

She doesn't sound very professional, does she? She also seems to have a very high opinion of herself as the best way to care for a child. Yes, stimulation and so on is provided, but the fact is at 3 they will need to get used to being away from a home environment, mixing with larger groups of children.

I'm agree with whoever said that starting school will be a bigger shock if they haven't been exposed to a playscheme or playgroup........ that seems to be your reason for joining one, and who is she to question that? He's YOUR child after all, even if she wants to claim him as her own son and call him by her name - she is definitely overstepping the boundaries there.

Cuddles and so on can be given at playscheme, but in moderation - just as a classroom assistant might hug someone who's fallen over once a child hits reception. What your child will learn, though, is that there are LOTS of children who need attention, and they can't always be the focus. It sounds as though you are trying to provide your DS with the skills to survive in the big bad world and I'm surprised that your CM can't see that. TBH the time away from her will probably help both of them, she sounds a bit too attached!

Is she properly registered and so on? The lack of a contract seems squiffy and her ability to be so flexible about rates, places and so on. I agree there is a lot to be said for the qualities someone has vs the qualifications but you need to remember what you are entitled to from your arrangement. A certain degree of professionalism regarding confidentiality and support for your choices. She can offer advice, but it is up to you whether you act on it, and the advice should be based on what's best for the child, not her taking things personally. That seems to be clouding her judgment at the moment. If she's not mature enough to accept that it's not about HER and is about your son, then it's a shame but very little you can do about it, don't feel bad, just get on with what makes sense to you.

ROSEgarden · 08/01/2008 13:59

you need to have achat with her, tell ehr you are doing this to help your some experience new things, get a taste of nursery(he must be starting school nursery soon is he?) and to get him used to the change, tell her it was always going to ahppen and you have faith and confidence in her ability and care and that this ahppening isnt in refelction of her, but they way she has been since you told her concerns you..see what she says?

Tan1959 · 08/01/2008 14:37

to her surname and calling your son hers! That is very odd indeed.

I adore all my mindees but they are not mine!

Your childminder should not be airing her own personal feelings at your decision nor should she be discussing the other parent's comments; very unprofessional.

I also think it is odd that she does not use Contracts. Are you sure she is Registered and has all appropriate Insurance?

One of my mindees will be off to Nursery this week (reducing the hours that mindee is with me) but all I can think of is how exciting it will be for mindee

Original poster

JustOneMam · 08/01/2008 16:11

Ok.

Whoever asked if she is registered, no she's not, but where I am at (again can't say as I would be identifiable) but it's a small place and child carers don't need to be registered. The only reason they can get in trouble is if they are claiming benefits/housing benefits. She's not as her usband has his own business. (I have called our local library board and asked. They said obviously it was up to me and that I would have a water tight contract if I used a registered childminder, but it wasn't required) and she has the basic first aid course etc....

Anyway:

Just back from picking my son up and I have a few concerns.

I didn't say anything to childminder, just Hi etc.. then asked if ds was in the playroom. She said "I told him you were here but he's obviously not bothered"

So I went in & lifted ds who was playing a game...

She then asked me if I cried on his first day at playscheme and I said no as he was loving it when I left. She said that she cried today when dropping him off as he is still a baby (he's 3) and that 3 days are too many for him. I said it wasn't she said it was. I said that's her opinion, but I didn't think so. She said she cried and though "that's my baby.." so I said "Except he isn't".

She then asked me why I wanted him at playscheme for 2 years, he would get bored doing the same thing for two years and I should send him to the nursery, the same one that her other mindee will be going to in Sept. I don't want him to go to the nursery, he won't be going to the school attached to the nursery as we are in a different village. Anyway, by next September my courses will be finished and I should have a job which will warrant a whole new strategy and whole new childcare arrangements.

This is the first person I have left in charge of my son, she has looked after him from he was 6 months old. I feel at a crossroads. I know she cares for ds, she is more than good to him. He loves her too. It would be wrong of me to remove ds from the only other person he spends long periods of time with apart from me & dh.

Dh has applied for a new job which is night shifts.. I am hoping against hope that he gets it. That means I can drop ds off at playscheme, dh can pick him up if I'm not home in time & that will mean we don't need a childminder.

OP posts:

Original poster

JustOneMam · 08/01/2008 16:12

Sorry, that last message is very long!!

I meant to say thankyou to all of you who took time to answer my questions and listen to my concerns, it's nice to voice them without boring other people!

OP posts:

ROSEgarden · 08/01/2008 16:18

i dont know anywhere in this country that anyone would NOT need to be registered as a cm!? are yoou not in the uk?

love2sleep · 08/01/2008 16:18

You say "It would be wrong of me to remove ds from the only other person he spends long periods of time with apart from me & dh."

I say "It would be wrong of you to leave your child with someone who is clearly bonkers."

Sorry, don't mean to be harsh, but this reminds me so much of my old CM and what she is doing is just wrong.

ROSEgarden · 08/01/2008 16:19

im gunna have to read this full thread later on, ive misssed about her calling you ds her name??!!

southernbelle77 · 08/01/2008 16:34

I'm sure she would need to be registered - unless you're not in the uk I suppose.
Sounds very strange to me. I would never dream of calling any of my mindees by my surname, no matter how much I love them.

wannaBe · 08/01/2008 16:38

sorry, but given the comments she seems to be making I'd be wondering whether she was about to steal my child and disappear with him. The woman sounds obsessed with your child, and unable to see him as yours.

And not registered? that's not right. If she's not registered she hasn't had crb checks and that certainly isn't legal. What do you know about her? she could be a criminal for all you know I would pay her a month's notice but remove your child from there - now.

Original poster

JustOneMam · 08/01/2008 16:38

I can see why you think she's bonkers, but I really think she is just very overfriendly, but in a kind way.. ds never cried when with her, he looks forward to going, she greets him at the door with a smile etc..

Now it sounds like I am justifying that she called my son her surname... she does it with other mindee too, she calls them her boys.

OP posts:

wannaBe · 08/01/2008 16:41

no. she is bonkers.

what do you know about her?

If she's not registered she doesn't have insurance.

Unless you are not in the UK, she is looking after your child illegally. and is claiming him as her own .

smeeinit · 08/01/2008 16:41

im with rose, i dont know of anywhere in the uk where you dont need to be registered.

i also agree with love2sleep's last post. your cm sounds like a very strange person.

Original poster

JustOneMam · 08/01/2008 16:43

wannaBe She's highly unlikely to run off with my ds. She has beautiful children of her own.

She has had crb checks as she worked in a school before she had her last daughter.

I know her, she is local, she's not a criminal.

But I do agree that I am going to have to seriously look for other childcare.

She isn't evil, or a criminal, or unstable I assure she. She is very heavily involved in the community and places great emphasis on family. Which is why she keeps calling them her boys, my kids etc.. she sees her home as a home away from home I suppose.

Haven't been talking to dh about today yet, will chat when he comes home.

OP posts:

smeeinit · 08/01/2008 16:43

overfriendly.....NO weird and bonkers!
im a very friendly cm and find the things your cm says extremely worrying..........

southernbelle77 · 08/01/2008 16:47

I just think it's worrying that she is not registered. It is illegal to look after other children for payment and not be registered. However good she is, and however much she is involved in the community, what happens if your ds has an accident and she is not insured?
I'm sure she is a good person who is bonkers overfriendly but she still needs to be registered!

wannaBe · 08/01/2008 16:59

Her crb check is invalid as you have to have different ones for school/childminding.

She does not have insurance, she can?t have as she isn?t registered, so if anything happened to your child while in her care you wouldn?t have a leg to stand on with regards to liability on her part.

?"I told him you were here but he's obviously not bothered?=?he obviously likes it so much here that he doesn?t want to go to you?.

?She then asked me if I cried on his first day at playscheme and I said no as he was loving it when I left. She said that she cried today when dropping him
off as he is still a baby?=?I need to know if you cried, if you care as much as I do about my baby?.

?She is very heavily involved in the community and places great emphasis on family.?. being involved in the community has no bearing on whether she?s a nutjob.

Who told you she didn't have to be registered, her by any chance? And do you pay her in cash?

I would report to ofsted personally and then run for the hills.

eleusis · 08/01/2008 17:18

I'm sorry but i have to agree that her level of attachment to your son is not normal. Playscheme is a good first step. But you should think long and hard about removing him I'm afraid. I know that not what I said yesterday. But this is just a little too "hand that rocks the cradle" for me. eek!

She said she cried and though "that's my baby.." so I said "Except he isn't".
Double eek!

ROSEgarden · 08/01/2008 18:25

are you in a diff country JustOneMam?

smeeinit · 08/01/2008 18:28

totally agree with wannabe "being involved in the community has no bearing on whether she?s a nutjob." .....................

my sisters local vicar was the most upsatnding member of the community, crowned my nieces carnival queen/princess, taught them at sunday school and done all the normal "vicary" things..............few years later and hes safely tucked away at her majestys service for peadophilia.

now im not suggesting for one moment that your cm is anything like the vicar BUT being heavily involved in the community does not make neccesarily someone a good child carer...........

nannynick · 08/01/2008 19:25

JustOneMam - would you be prepared to say which country you are in? Seems odd to me for someone to have a CRB check, yet not be in the UK.
Registration of Childminders is a requirement in:
England, Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland

If you live in any of those places, probably best your son goes to a playscheme, rather than to the unregistered childminder.

berkschick · 08/01/2008 20:25

Are you sure this CM is a registered CM? Just seems weird that she has no contract with you, I thought this was a legal requirement?

Most CM would charge you the full hours as she would be unable to fill them while your child is not there as it is so little time and also because of the holidays when you would want her to look after DS. I find it odd that she hasnt asked you for this, almost like she isnt really in touch with how things work!

She is obviously very attatched to your son which would be a big worrie to me TBH! Most children I know go to pre school at 3. In fact places are funded from 3 round here now!

berkschick · 08/01/2008 20:31

Doh, didnt realise there was a second page! Sorry about that, ignore my post above!

berkschick · 08/01/2008 20:37

The CRB check for a childminder is MUCH more through than a CRB needed to help in a school.

I have just registered as a childminder. I had to do an 8 week course, a 12 hour paediatric first aid course, CRB checks for myself and husband which took 7 weeks to come back ( and I have NEVER done anything wrong, not even been caught speeding!), have OFSTED spend 3 hours inspecting my home, pay insurance and I now have to attend an early years foundation course. And I already have 4 children of my own so I know lots already!

It is really annoying when people are breaking the law and minding unlawfully!

If I were you I would be concerned about this lady caring for my child. If you went to someone registered you might be able to claim help with the fees or use childcare vouchers so you might actually be better off!

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