Is my childminder being huffy or am I just being niave - again!

[JustOneMam]

Hi.

My son is 3 and has just started playscheme.

I have a childminder 4 days a week or 3.5days a week depending on my hours.

She seemed annoyed when I said I had applied to the playscheme but she always knew this was going to happen anyway.

Then I let her know he would be going 2 days a week. She seemed annoyed and said she didn't understand the need for him to go at all, as the other little mindee she has is 3 also and doesn't go to playscheme. She said that the mindee's mum has told her that she feels mindee gets enough stimulation at the minders house without going to playscheme.

I just feel different. There just is ds & other mindee and I want my son to mix with others, learn to share and have the experience of playscheme that his older sibling had.

I then text childminder on the day that ds started playscheme to tell her he loved it and it went well. Anyway the leader told me she actually had ds down for 3 days so I was fine with this and let the childminder know. She went odd on me and said did I not think she did a good job looking after him..and that she thinks one day would have been enough for him.. that's not the point.. I love her!! I love the way she is with ds but I feel he needs more! She will still have ds after playscheme and some mornings she will be dropping him off for me too.

Dh is not angry that the childminder thinks she has the right to tell us what to do with our son. He says that if she keeps this up we will look for someone else to have him after playscheme. He thinks it's about money, as she has always got paid for the hours she has him.. her own preference (same for other mindee)so this is cutting down on her hours... less pay. Of course I feel bad about thing, but now this means ds is part time she can take on more children, in fact she is getting a new mindee in September.

I don't want to confront her, she technically hasn't done anything.. she is just making me out to be neglectful for sending ds to a playscheme instead of her house She treats ds like her own, down to the fact that she often calls him XXXX (and her surname)And says she has 3 sons (she has just 2)

Any advice.. though not sure what would help

She sounds a bit weird, tbh, you might be better off with a different childminder.

(Should add I am a HUGE fan of childminders in general!)

I think she is being a bot wierd about it, but if you want to smooth the waters why not say you want him to go to start preparing him for School. Going from 2 in a cosy little home to school is going to be a big shock for him otherwise!

Thanks MI, me too.

Should have said dh is now angry, not not angry

I'm a childminder and I would never question a parents decision on the way they arrange their childcare! Even if I thought it wasn't right! Not wrong in this instance though, I have to say. Perfectly normal for you to want him in a playsceme and at cm. I did have a mindee who's mum decided to send him to nursery instead of me and I knew it wasn't right for him, but I simply said, 'its your decision and I'm here if you need me.'

I also think its a bit odd, that she refers to him as her own. That's wrong really. Why would she need to do that? Mine are my spares!

You're right though, what could you say to her? I'd keep an eye on it though.

I think she sounds a bit odd too and I imagine this can be really awkward for you. I think she is having a problem seeing this as a business/professional arrangement. As long as you are giving her enough notice it really is your and your business what you do with your boy.

Saying that, I haven't got any good advice I'm afraid other than if she continues in this vein I'd be looking at getting another CM.

The calling him by her surname is weird.
Also she should be supportive of your parenting choices not negative and comparing your choices to another parent she minds for is v.unprofessional.

I am a cm btw.
Why not have a chat to clear the air, say you want him to be prepared for school as kewcumber suggests.

Most cm charge a retainer fee for during playscheme hours if they pick up and drop off so this may be the issue but if it was her arrangement to be paid only for the hours she has him and you have given her plenty of notice fair enough. That may be what is bugging her, it may not. I suppose it depends what kind of relationship you have if you can ask her.

the childminder is peed off that she will get less money

If she will be dropping him off she will have him from about 8.30 -9.00 but I will pay her the full hour.

If she will be picking him up it will be from 12.30 - 3.10pm. I will pay her from 12.00 - 4pm I always round up anyway and not down.

I can't exactly come out & ask her why she thinks she knows ds better than me. She made me feel bad when she said that her other mindees mum said she felt her child was being stimulated enough with minder. It was as if I was saying she wasn't good enough, but I was saying nothing of the sort.

She used to have another mindee whose mum sent him to playscheme and she continually told me that the mum was mad, that they don't half look after then children and that the staff weren't allowed to cuddle the children the way a minder could. So I know she is saying all this to the other mindees mum

Are your fees reducing because of this, or are you still paying your cm the full rate? (If she is expected to take him to and from playgroup and collect him in an emergency, it would be reasonable for you to keep paying her).

She's probably scared that she will lose both your ds and the other mindee: other mindee's mum is happy at the moment because your ds is there, but she may also change her mind and send her dc to the playgroup when she finds out what you've done.

It must be really hard being a childminder, not knowing whether or not your income is stable. However, I totally sympathise with you as I did exactly the same thing when my ds reched his third birthday. I loved my cm, but I felt that he needed more when he reached three. I made this decision for exactly the same reason that I chose to use a cm in the first place: I thought it was the best choice for my ds.

Don't let her change your mind, go with your gut instinct, but don't be surprised if she gives you notice because she finds an alternative mindee who suits her better,especially if she's losing income.

Si she's also openly talking about her other families to you and clearly discussing you with them! She doesn't sound very professional to me. To start with she's mad to just charge for the hours she has him, as in not covering herself for the hours he's at playsceme and not being able to fill that space iyswim! She also, doesn't seem to have understood the part in her training about confidentiality! Do you have a contract?

I'm a childminder and think she sounds a bit strange tbh!! If it was the money then she should charge the full hours as usual, quite normal because it's stopping her from being able to fill that space plus what about holidays? But this saying she has an extra son and using her surname - very very odd to me!! And yes, she shouldn't be discussing other mindees etc!!

I am a childminder and I think she needs to remember that hes your boy not hers actually i would not like surname bit at all shes a bit full on i am with your hb on this

Alarm bells that she calls your child by her surname and says she has 3 sons.

Your child so up to you if he goes to a playscheme or not and i think it is time you gave her notice had a proper talk with her.

The surname bit is really weird.

My gut feeling is that things boil down to money. If your child goes to playscheme, then the amount of time you require the childminder will be less. Depending on the contract, this could mean the childminder gets paid less.

The hours your mention most chidminders would still charge you .

They would find it hard to take someone on for those hours.

One way to look at it is if the playscheme wasnt on for anyreason who would be mindng your son? If it the childminder then you are basically asking her to keep his place open and therefore you school still pay her.

She has obviously got very attached to you son. Perhaps you need to have a chat with her. Tell her you value her and that it isnt a reflection on her.

I don't think it's about money. I think your childminder has grwon very attached to your son (possibly too much -- the surname thing is a bit weird), and I think she has taken your decision to send him to playscheme personally, which is a bit unprofessional. Childminders to get attached to the kids. That is normal. And is is sad when they move on. That is normal too. But calling him by a name that isn't his is odd.

Anyway, it just reinforces that you have made the right decision in sending him to playscheme. It will be good for him to play with other kids.

Hi again, sorry got side tracked!

Am a name changer and I have a feeling that a relative of my childminder comes on here from time to time given what she says, but it could be netmums and she's getting confused.. anyhow...

The hours thing.. I looked all around when looking for childminders & all of them charged a retainer fee, except this one (this is not the reason I chose her btw) She said she has always charged for the hours only & as for the summer she usually charges a flat rate per week (say £40) and I can either send him 2 days or not, she still gets her money.

She used to keep both my children and it was £3 for ds and £2 for dd (so £5 per hour) So when dd started school and I didn't need her anymore I raised the £3 for ds to £4 without her asking me. She never even mentioned it to me. I'm not tight with money and if she needed/wanted more she could easily ask me, I'm approachable.

Also, I have the opportunity to go on a course in a while but I was thinking of turning it down as it lasts quite a few months, long hours and I wouldn't get paid for it (but it would be a new qualification) when I was discussing this with her she said she I must think of all the options, I said I couldn't possibly consider it due to finance and she said "I'd be happy to mind ds for less money... just give me what you can afford, I'm more than happy, he's such a good child"

When I came home and told dh this he said she was a nut job... even though he has met her loads and agrees that she is more than good to ds. She has had him since he was 6months old and is the first childminder I have ever used so I don't know much about them.

As for keeping the space, she isn't really, she doesn't have anyone else looking for it.

I am going to have to have a chat with her aren't I?

No contract (can't remember who asked)!

when i have had a child under 5 , who then starts pre-school/nursery(which is funded), i still charge for their time at other setting(if i drop off & collect) as it would be very hard to fill a short time space like that - but she should have had that policy in place so that she wouldn't lose out financialy - i expect that's why she's huffy with you

but she does sound like a strange one

i always tell people mindees are not mine (unless i'm feeling norty then i pretend i'm a prolific breeder)

I have just mentioned ti dh that we still pay her for those hours even though she hasn't asked.

He has suggested that we put him in the afternoons sessions at playcscheme as it would be cheaper

I don't want to do that though, fgs, he's just started.

This is what we did do with our other child though, as the childminder said she was difficult.

The playscheme isn't funded.

It is £6 per session.

If I have to pay that and pay the childminder for her hours it would cost me £21 oer morning, not counting her afternoon hours.

I can't afford this as I'm not in paid employment (again I don't want to say what as the fam member will recognise me!) if I say doing courses that will give you the general idea. I'm not doing them as a 'hobby' they are important in the qualification I am trying to gain for future employment.

Why don't you just leave it as it is and see how it goes. Don't yank DS out of the care he knows because you guys are annoyed. By joining the playscheme you have put some distance between childminder and DS. This is good. It gives you options. Let it blow over. If the childminder gives you notice, then by all means you'll need to arrange care. But what is the harm in leaving it as it is now?

No, there's no harm, you're right. That's how I feel too.

I have just realised though that she must be saying things about me to the other mindees mum if she is telling me things about her.

I am always very non commital as I am fond of the other mindees mum, she is a teacher and works long hours at after school commitments too but that childminder always purses her lips at this and says its an awful long day for the child to be away from its mum.

Right, I think it's time for me to go to bed and after tomorrows class I will have a chat with the childminder. But I think i'll wait for her to bring it up with me.

Do I ask her if she wants paid for the hours she doesn't have ds. If he was ill though I would be coming home from my course, it's 20 minutes away.

at calling your son her surname....weird, very very weird

im a cm and would never do that,that would worry me more than anything else shes doing. odd person!!

as for the playscheme thing......do as you wish, he is your son and you know whats best for him,i think your cm sounds very unprofesional.

Seriously, I would run for the hills if this was my c/m. The surname thing is ridiculous, and questioning your wishes for his childcare is not on. You may want to remind her about her obligation to confidentiality as well.

I feel for you, but it's not feeling right to me.

Your son may get plenty of stimulation at the CMs. That isn't the point though. I used a nursery for my oldest 2 DCs 2 mornings a week from the age of about 3.5 even though the Cm was wonderful, because I wanted them to get used to more children around and to interacting with other adults. In preparation for school. It wan't a reflection on the CM who was about as perfect as could be! And she never complained or even commented, and she was only paid for the hours my DCs were with her.

Is your CM going to act like this everytime a mindee leaves to go to school ?