Telling the au pair to go too soon?

[ItaloMomofTwo]

Hello everyone, I'm new here!

We've had to tell our au pair to go, but I am wondering if I am in the wrong here (honest opinions please!).
We originally hired our au pair because I was going to be working evenings and we obviously needed someone for our two kids (4 and 6). Original duties were picking kids up from school, preparing lunch (we live in Italy), taking kids to after school activities, and give the kids a bath. Hours were essentially 2-7, M-F. We asked that she helped tidy up after the kids when they played and tidy up the kitchen after lunch. My daughter goes an after school tutor M-F from 3-6, so most of the time she'd be with only my son.
One day before coming my hours changed from evenings to mornings, I accepted it because I prefer working mornings and having more time with my kids. The au pair was still coming so we couldn't tell her one day before to not come. We decided to give it a try as I am also studying for a masters and it would give me some quiet time to study in the afternoon.

In the end, she only "works" 3-6sh. I have ended up being the one who comes home from work at noon, prepares lunch, sets the table, she might go pick up the kids or I may, we eat, I clean up the table and clean the kitchen while she plays with the kids. By 6, shes got my son in front of the TV. I go pick up my daughter from her tutor and she's rarely managed to get my son to take a shower or get my daughter too when she gets home, my husband and I usually do it.
Meanwhile, I cook dinner, set the table, feed the family then clean up everything while she only puts away her plate. She's off all morning and does nothing at all, make no effort to tidy up the kids beds or rooms.

She was very upset when we told her we wouldn't need her back after the month (!) vacation she was already taking at Christmas. She has cried every day since we told her saying shes "poured her heart out into this family". I don't see it this way. For me, she's just freeloading on my dime.
What do you think?

I would have got rid of her too. Doesn’t sound like she does anything

Rules may be different in Italy but five hours a day would be too much for an au pair in the U.K. They’re supposed to be part of the family and do the occasional baby sitting. Think you need a part time nanny.

If clear expectations were set and she's not meeting them then yes it's not worth keeping the arrangement going.
Was she not willing to change to mornings?

EU law is 30 hours per week, 5 hours a day, it is fine. In any case, she's working three, as I stated.

I'd think is delusional.

Get rid of her.

@Danikm151

If clear expectations were set and she's not meeting them then yes it's not worth keeping the arrangement going. Was she not willing to change to mornings?

The problem was not the mornings for her, we made it clear that the kids rooms would need tidying up (making beds, help cleaning up the kitchen after eating, toys put away). Nothing was met.

I agree she’s not doing much but… have you tried stepping back and seeing if she steps up?

It sounds like you are around all the time she is working, as you work mornings, so you end up doing the tasks. What would happen if you went out? Or went upstairs and got on with other jobs? Or if you want to see your DC, you could sit down with the DC and ask her to do the cooking/tidying.

Basically you have to tell her what you want her to do and not just do it yourself and seethe about it…

If you have already tried this and it didn’t work then it’s hopeless !

Hmm cross posted, doesn’t sound great

Here 3 hours a day is standard for an au pair (school finishes at 3.15 ish, parent takes over 6.00, plus drops at school in the am)

Why did you start doing her job though? Why didn’t you tell her to make lunch, or pick up your daughter from the tutor?

I think your expectations were quite high for an au pair who's basically a young girl, probably no experience of cooking for a family and maybe a little babysitting experience? We are used to multitasking, learning it over a few years but for her. Probably before I was about 30, I'd have needed 1.5-2 hours to cook for a family so starting at 12. Then another 1.5-2 hours to clean up kitchen and house. Who took your DD to the tutor or was it in the home? Also getting kids to bed is not easy so maybe your son has not been listening when asked to take a shower. I think you should have made things simpler and clearer, so it's not entirely her fault.

Nope, as long as you followed legal notice requirements/contractual obligations then it's fine - it's not working for you and I would think it unlikely it will change. I did more as au pair in my twenties and I was being paid bugger all back then.

Five hours are normal. It sounds like she is a bit young and doesn't get what the role involves. I think for au pairs they are often a bit wet behind the ears. Write down what you expect her to achieve, it's always clearer and then get her to write down what she does.

I'd vgive it a bit longer

She's a teenage babysitter basically, right? So needs lots of support/managing.
You need to tell her what to do day by day and check she's done it.

However, sounds like you don't really need the help.

@Finfintytint

Rules may be different in Italy but five hours a day would be too much for an au pair in the U.K. They’re supposed to be part of the family and do the occasional baby sitting. Think you need a part time nanny.

That's not true

Have you tried making her a timetable?

Is she aware of what tasks you want her to do? Have you specifically told her you'd like her to make lunch and tidy up after? If you just started organising lunch and expected her to offer to help then YABU. If you've given her a list of tasks or discussed what she's expected to do and she's just ignored it then she's unreasonable.

Well o don’t blame her being upset, it’s an individuals life when it’s an au pair not a casual job.

Potentially you should invest in proper child care and pay for a nanny.

Have you talked to her about it?

What were you paying her? I used to be an au pair when I was 19 and I saw my role as acting a bit like a responsible older sister. So yes I would look after the kids, tidy rooms, clear away meals, get drinks and make sandwiches but I wouldn't be doing any real cooking and I was only expected to do a few hours work per day in exchange for a very small amount of money. I think that a lot of people misunderstand the role of the au pair. They are not nannies or childminders and are generally paid not much more than pocket money.

I have been an Au Pair, and I think its really hard when one parent is at home alot of the time. She might feel insecure and not knowing what to do when you're at home. Have you spoken with her and given her reasonable tasks to do during her working hours? And she needs set working hours. It's really important! Her job is also not to cook for the family, a light lunch for the kids, yes. But a dinner for the whole family, no. She agreed to come to your family when you were supposed to be out of the house working. That changed for her with no notice and she might struggle with it. Has she booked her return flight to Italy after Christmas? If she has and you have changed your mind about having her back, you really need to reimburse her if she has paid for the flights.

As the responsible adult, really, you went about it all wrong.
You've let her not do what you wanted her to do because you started doing it all yourself.
You should (in the afternoon) taken yourself off to study while she did what you'd contractually arranged for her to do. Look after the boy and fetch the girl from doposcuola etc. Presume you fetch the girl because she's at home with the boy, but what if you hadn't been there?
All moot now, and no, you probably shouldn't keep her on, but before taking another au pair you need to be clearer yourself what you want. And make it clear to them.

I think she was also upset because you turned it into her failing rather than you not really needing her anymore. That would have an effect on her confidence.

I am not familiar with the Italian school system but going to a tutor for 3 hours after school every day in the UK (if she is from UK) would be very unusual. I am wondering whether it may be partly a cultural difference in expectations between you and her. I don't think it would be unusual in the UK for a 4yr old to watch some TV at 6pm having been out at school all day, so she might be basing her expectations on what her experience of family life has been.

If she is fairly young then you would have needed to train her - have a schedule so she can see what she is supposed to be doing and when. Of course she might just be lazy or she might have needed more guidance and direction.