Telling the au pair to go too soon?

[ItaloMomofTwo]

Hello everyone, I'm new here!

We've had to tell our au pair to go, but I am wondering if I am in the wrong here (honest opinions please!).
We originally hired our au pair because I was going to be working evenings and we obviously needed someone for our two kids (4 and 6). Original duties were picking kids up from school, preparing lunch (we live in Italy), taking kids to after school activities, and give the kids a bath. Hours were essentially 2-7, M-F. We asked that she helped tidy up after the kids when they played and tidy up the kitchen after lunch. My daughter goes an after school tutor M-F from 3-6, so most of the time she'd be with only my son.
One day before coming my hours changed from evenings to mornings, I accepted it because I prefer working mornings and having more time with my kids. The au pair was still coming so we couldn't tell her one day before to not come. We decided to give it a try as I am also studying for a masters and it would give me some quiet time to study in the afternoon.

In the end, she only "works" 3-6sh. I have ended up being the one who comes home from work at noon, prepares lunch, sets the table, she might go pick up the kids or I may, we eat, I clean up the table and clean the kitchen while she plays with the kids. By 6, shes got my son in front of the TV. I go pick up my daughter from her tutor and she's rarely managed to get my son to take a shower or get my daughter too when she gets home, my husband and I usually do it.
Meanwhile, I cook dinner, set the table, feed the family then clean up everything while she only puts away her plate. She's off all morning and does nothing at all, make no effort to tidy up the kids beds or rooms.

She was very upset when we told her we wouldn't need her back after the month (!) vacation she was already taking at Christmas. She has cried every day since we told her saying shes "poured her heart out into this family". I don't see it this way. For me, she's just freeloading on my dime.
What do you think?

Perhaps try leaving for a couple of hours to see what happens.

30 hours is actually at the upper end of the scale OP. It's more like 15 - 30 hours per week. Your demanding your au pair basically act as a nanny and that's unfair given her age, her experience and the salary you pay her.

I agree with previous posters that she has to be managed - you need to give her 3 hours in the evening where she picks the kids up, gives them a bath, feeds them dinner and then is allowed to "go home".

Your presence is blurring the boundaries, either you need her in which case you need to make yourself scarce so she can get on with the job, or you're there and can do it all yourself in which case you don't need an au pair.

But please remember, an au pair is someone who helps with the children but is also doing it for personal development; to either learn a new language or to live in a new place within an secure family environment - are you upholding your end of the deal?

Lots of people use the term au pair to mean employing a nanny for a very low (below minimum wage ) job. Au pair should help with childcare , light housework only , be with you to learn the language and culture.
You should pay the girls air fare home , give her a nice Christmas gift and then look to employ a nanny or housekeeper - paying the going rate for your area .

For everyone suggesting she needs a nanny, what for? There isn't enough work for an aupair, so a nanny would be bored out of her mind. It doesn't sound to me like the OP needs anyone!

Did you point out the list of things she was supposed to do and didn't and ask her what she meant by poured her heart out since it clearly didn't involve doing the tasks she was hired to do

I can see why she is upset. It was up to you to give her tasks to do and tell her how to spend the time when she is at work. If you were bustling around doing everything she didn't know what exactly was expected of her.

How much was she getting paid? I think what you were asking is quite a lot for an au pair, and what you got is not unusual.

You probably need to hire an actual nanny to meet your specific childcare wishes, and a cleaner for the housework.

It sounds like you are not being very clear with her over what she actually has to do. Does she go to language lessons in the morning?

Sounds like poor communication. Did you have a meeting and discuss that she's needs to do more? Presumably she's young and perhaps just needed it re-explained to her. Maybe she feels awkward doing things when you are there doing them.

I am a qualified nanny and dont understand au pairs, especially when your LO is young

sorry thought you said your LO was 2!

It seems expectation were not met or not discussed clearly or was the issue because of the mixed duties being carried out ?

You don’t sound very nice and expect a lot, if you and your husband started collecting/bathing the children then she thought that was okay.

@Viviennemary

I can see why she is upset. It was up to you to give her tasks to do and tell her how to spend the time when she is at work. If you were bustling around doing everything she didn't know what exactly was expected of her.

This You do too much yourselves.

It’s clearly not working so get rid.

I think your expectations of an au pair are unrealistic though, they are barely more than kids, they are there to do some light babysitting and house work. What you need is a mother’s help.

But beyond that, they are so young they will just treat you like Mum if you let them. With things like making lunch and tidying yo the kitchen it appears you were very quick to jump in - you need to let them figure it out.

How much is she being paid?

Did you at any point explain what she needed to do? So say ‘oh did you manage to help the kids make their beds?’ Or something like that? You don’t know what you don’t know I suppose.

I do think unfortunately too many people get an au pair when what they need is a childminder/nanny. An au pair is supposed to get pocket money to do babysitting or ‘helping.’ They’re not a member of staff and shouldn’t be expected to do heavy work.

As for making lunch I’m a bit confused about how that fits in to working 2-7? What time do you eat lunch?

It's not working so she goes. Don't feel guilty. She's very young and inexperienced so she's bound to be upset. Be sympathetic but firm. Tell her that you didn't feel she did what was asked of her and for that reason she's going. She needs to learn that laziness wont get you far.

Sounds like you've left her with nowhere to live and no job so rightly she is very upset. I am guessing this is a very young girl with little or no experience. Instead of coaching her and giving her the opportunity to improve, you have basically removed her self esteem, accommodation and means of feeding herself. I would not be happy sending my daughter to work for you. Is this your first au pair? And right before Christmas well done you