Am I the being unreasonable?

[BeanEm]

Just a little bit of background, my son was born 12 weeks premature and it's been a ride! My MIL can be quite overbearing but is our extra childcare for evenings/non nursery days/ last minute work changes. Which has been absolutely life saving and fantastic!
We live in a top floor flat with no life, I appreciate it's not ideal for everyone, but she knew this when she told us she didn't want strangers looking after him and she would do it.
However, for the attempted 2nd time now, she has said it will be easier for everyone to have him stay the night at theirs because me and my partner are working. (The last time I was poorly and she was being really nice but I literally burst into ugly sobs as this had been taken out of my hands and she decided it was best for everyone)
So I've just ended up having to take the shift off work so I can have him at home and see him in the morning before I go to work again.

My partner thinks I'm being ridiculous getting so angry and upset about him 'just spending the night'. It doesn't feel like its just the night to me. It feels like she is another person who is trying to control my time with my son.
This stems from the NICU where, during lockdown, they limited visits etc to keep everyone safe. But I had no say in my child's care or routine or anything and felt very out of control and it was a really tough time. For which I'm about to start counselling for.
It just feels like I'm losing control again and no one is stopping to make sure I'm happy with the arrangements.

So, am I being unreasonable? Have i explained myself properly??

What times do your shifts start and finish?

How old is he?

How old is he?

I can see why you felt the way you do, but it's not your MIL's fault. What's the reason your dp can't do overnight childcare?

The way I read it, MIL would prefer to have him at hers for the day, rather than in your flat, but wants to have him overnight to facilitate this (rather than travelling back and forth) - is that right? Or are you working overnight?

Your MIL doesn't get to choose whether 'strangers' look after your child.

What are the shift patterns? Are you both working night shifts? How much childcare is she doing?

My Dad often prefers to have my son overnight rather than travelling late at night.

I have to say that I do actually agree with him having seen how hazardous it can be for travelling.

I think you may need some help in dealing with your bumpy start and may need to think about the bigger the picture.

Poor you. It sounds like you have really been through it snd I am glad to hear you are due to start counselling.

I am not entirely sure I follow but I was similarly protective of my first and nearly fell out with my MIL many times over it. I think you need to step back and remember that she is trying to help and she is being kind. So maybe if you aren’t ready for it yet, have an honest chat about how you are feeling and then maybe revisit the subject in a couple of months.

My MIL had my two overnight from quite a young age and they now love her so much and I treasure their relationship. I am also very happy to have her take them off my hands!

Yes age and timing are I think very pertinent

How old is baby now?

I wouldn't want mine spending time overnight anywhere without me while young. Any relatives who ASKED what be politely declined. But it reads as though MIL didn't even ask?!

I think my eldest was 5 before he slept out, and that was because me and his dad had split so he was at dad's house! My youngest is 2 and sadly me and his dad aren't together anymore and we've both agreed he's still too little to be away from me overnight. I'm glad my ex is on the same page as me about it.

At the end of the day this is YOUR child. If mil doesn't feel up to doing the childcare she offered but instead wants to whisk him to hers for a sleepover without asking then maybe you need to look again at childcare options. Perhaps a local registered childminder, as they're a small cosy setting and should be able to support you with your worries.

Unfortunately we both work in the same industry and do very random shifts. Mostly it's days and evenings but finishing between 10 and 11. Not every night but this is just a particularly busy week. He is also at nursery 3 days a week.

I'm happy for him to stay over, he loves it there and has stayed over many many times and will again. But its always by previous arrangement. Her just telling me it's best for everyone, isn't best for me.

He will be 2 in Feb. I hate my job and am tired of my industry and looking to get out and into something new but its not as easy as just doing it. So this is definitely not forever.

I agree with your MIL. Your son is nearly 2 years old so nowhere near a baby. She is doing you a massive favour babysitting overnight and I was always of the opinion that whatever is easiest for the person babysitting took priority.

If you are working til 10/11pm (still not exactly clear) and he's nearly 2 then I think MIL is being quite fair actually.

I do think some help processing the trauma ofDS tough start works be useful though, I think it's clouding your judgement somewhat.

MIL sounds like a trooper tbf, she's going above and being accommodating those hours without an overnight

Pay for childcare

Or be grateful you have a mil who is happy to look after your ds - he is 2

Her having him for a sleepover isn’t the worst thing in the world. You say he enjoys staying there

Do you do a late shift then early hence why you can’t pick him up once you wake

Yes, she is absolutely a trooper there is no disagreeing with that. I am happy for her to have him over night. He loves it there.
The issue here is that apropos of nothing, she's decided this morning that it's easier for him to stay tonight. So I've got no time to prepare for it. I've got work tomorrow too and happy to drop him at hers before I start but if he stays tonight i won't see him until Sunday. That is the issue.

It’s not about the staying over is it, it’s about someone else effectively deciding when you can see your child, reminding you of when he was in NICU? I’ve not been in this situation but if you explain to MIL the effect that that experience had on you perhaps you can both work together to ease your feelings on last minute arrangements

Can't you go to hers tomorrow before you go to work and see him there?

You're hours are really making this tricky though, you're expecting her to accommodate an awful lot for you.

I can see why you will miss him but I think what you want is just too much to ask of her, do you pay her?

What does your DP/DH make of this?

So is she bringing him home at 11pm at night? Or have I read that wrong? If so then it's not really great for your DS to be disturbed at that time of night and it's quite a late drive if mil is bringing him home. Tbh I think she's got your DSs best interests at heart so maybe consider it as an option going forward.

How far away is MIL?
Could you all go and stay not just your DS?

You have had a rough time of it and you can feel that in your words. I'm so sorry for what you have gone through and maybe speaking to someone could really help you unpack the tough journey you have been on.
I do think MiL is being kind here though and in no way trying to be difficult. Not seeing your son till Sunday sounds very difficult, but surely it's better for him to be safe and fast asleep with his granny at 10 or 11pm at night rather than being out on the road. Could you maybe stay the next few nights at MiL's so you can see your son before and after work?
I'm sure a chat between you both will help her to understand how you're feeling, but it sounds to me like she's starting to struggle with the late night drop offs and is trying to find a more sustainable option.

Are you wanting your MIL to drive your son home very late at night? I can understand that you don’t want her telling you that your son is staying overnight, but if you are wanting her to drive very late I think that is probably unreasonable too. The situation needs to suit both of you.

So she normally will bring him to ours, do his dinner, bath and bedtime then she will watch TV and her husband will pick her up when one of us gets home. Its been fine all week and this is the last time for a while.

She knew this was what it would be, she offered and wanted to do it. We agreed this plan together. Yes, I could go there tomorrow morning and see him, but wouldn't it be nice to have morning cuddles after a week of nursery and work? As I said, happy for him to stay, just not at her discretion!

I look after my 18 month grandson and honestly, respectfully, there's no way I'd be taking him home at that time of night. When I have him I want him settled into bed for the night by 8 and then keep him until the next day/day after (depending on how long they need me to have him) because logistically it works better. Quite aside from the travel aspect, it's a bit crap disturbing a 2yo at 11pm in order to go home just so you can see him before work the next day.

A cross post OP. I see she has him at your flat. Still though, it's a huge chunk of her night pretty much gone just sitting in your home when she could be in her own with him. I totally get the wanting morning cuddles but she's doing you a huge favour here, a bit of give and take goes a long way.

What if she decided it wasn't working for her anymore, how would you manage then with such late working hours?