Am I the being unreasonable?

[BeanEm]

Just a little bit of background, my son was born 12 weeks premature and it's been a ride! My MIL can be quite overbearing but is our extra childcare for evenings/non nursery days/ last minute work changes. Which has been absolutely life saving and fantastic!
We live in a top floor flat with no life, I appreciate it's not ideal for everyone, but she knew this when she told us she didn't want strangers looking after him and she would do it.
However, for the attempted 2nd time now, she has said it will be easier for everyone to have him stay the night at theirs because me and my partner are working. (The last time I was poorly and she was being really nice but I literally burst into ugly sobs as this had been taken out of my hands and she decided it was best for everyone)
So I've just ended up having to take the shift off work so I can have him at home and see him in the morning before I go to work again.

My partner thinks I'm being ridiculous getting so angry and upset about him 'just spending the night'. It doesn't feel like its just the night to me. It feels like she is another person who is trying to control my time with my son.
This stems from the NICU where, during lockdown, they limited visits etc to keep everyone safe. But I had no say in my child's care or routine or anything and felt very out of control and it was a really tough time. For which I'm about to start counselling for.
It just feels like I'm losing control again and no one is stopping to make sure I'm happy with the arrangements.

So, am I being unreasonable? Have i explained myself properly??

Sorry but yes, you’re being massively unreasonable. He’s nearly 2. He loves staying over and you’re very lucky to have someone who wants to look after a 2 year old! I understand where it comes from but your need to control everything around your son isn’t healthy. She’s doing you a huge favour, that trumps you wanting “morning cuddles”.

@KurtWildesChristmasNamechange

I look after my 18 month grandson and honestly, respectfully, there's no way I'd be taking him home at that time of night. When I have him I want him settled into bed for the night by 8 and then keep him until the next day/day after (depending on how long they need me to have him) because logistically it works better. Quite aside from the travel aspect, it's a bit crap disturbing a 2yo at 11pm in order to go home just so you can see him before work the next day.

This. Think of the child.

@SBAM

It’s not about the staying over is it, it’s about someone else effectively deciding when you can see your child, reminding you of when he was in NICU? I’ve not been in this situation but if you explain to MIL the effect that that experience had on you perhaps you can both work together to ease your feelings on last minute arrangements

Absolutely this. Excellent advice

@BeanEm

So she normally will bring him to ours, do his dinner, bath and bedtime then she will watch TV and her husband will pick her up when one of us gets home. Its been fine all week and this is the last time for a while.

She knew this was what it would be, she offered and wanted to do it. We agreed this plan together. Yes, I could go there tomorrow morning and see him, but wouldn't it be nice to have morning cuddles after a week of nursery and work? As I said, happy for him to stay, just not at her discretion!

What would you do if she decided this was all too much and withdrew from childcare?

She's doing this free of charge?

There has to be flexibility on your side if you expect it from her. The boy won't know, care or remember.

I appreciate all of you saying that she is doing us a huge favour, because she is.

However, this is what she wanted, we wanted to get a child minder or baby sitter and pay, she didn't want that, "no stranger will be looking after my grandchild". So whilst she is brilliant, she has put us in this situation. It isn't about not wanting to pay or anything like that.

It also isn't just about morning cuddles, that was just a mere example. It also still isn't simply about staying the night. She has tried to change the plans at the last minute and that is not OK. If a baby sitter called you up and said actually your child will sleep at mine tonight, you wouldn't be happy with that. Yes, she is family, but it is the same thing.

I'm not controlling every aspect of his life but I would like a little say in whether or not he is looked after in my house or not. She is not expected to wake him up and drive him across the city at all times of the night. She merely offered that it would make sense to have him go to bed in his own home when it was possible! Which was the agreement before she wanted to change it last minute.

Thank you all for your contributions. You have made it clear to me that whilst having her as his primary carer outside of nursery was a great idea, I need to look at other options finally. Like I wanted to do in the first place.

Absolutely and there is flexibility. But she has just decided this would be better. There was no discussion, no asking, just, this is the better option.

Do you have room for a live in au pair? I can't see what other choices you will have to keep him at home for those hours, it is doing so hard finding childcare to cover shift work.

Good luck

My mum dictates similar things to me about my daughter (also 2) and as much as I would rather do things the way me & dh prefer, unfortunately as she is providing free childcare for us and makes our lives easier when we need extra help I just keep my thoughts to myself and let her have her own way. My mother is a control freak though and I've had counselling about it, but I will never change her so I appreciate her help and try my best to move on. As much as sometimes I get wound up doing things on her terms!

you are the unreasonable one - that is how I feel as a mum with little kid. You are taking things for granted - that was a lot of sacrifice from your MiL.
Put yourself in your MiL'a shoes- what would you do in that position?

Use her help and respect her needs over yours, or pay for someone and do your ways

If she's doing it for free, and he's 2, then absolutely he goes to hers, she shouldn't have to be dropped off and collected at all hours so you get "morning cuddles"

However. If the only reason you're using her is to accommodate that she doesn't want a stranger looking after him, whereas you are perfectly happy to use paid childcare, then you need to have the conversation:

We love and appreciate everything you do for us and DS, however I still feel anxiety from his birth about being absent from him for too long. I know you don't want a stranger looking after him, but if he stays at yours, I won't see him from now until Sunday, and these are feelings that I truly struggle with. I completely appreciate this is not your fault, but it affects me greatly.

I want to respect your time with him and wishes that you look after him, but this will have to be in our home. I completely understand the logistics of this aren't the easiest for you, but I can't go until Sunday without seeing him. I don't want to use a childminder, but I will have too as an alternative, as I have such negative feelings from his early days of separation. I'm working hard to overcome this, but for now, I really need you to understand that I can feel overwhelmed when he and I are separated.

Can you let me know what you'd like to do, as I genuinely need childcare to be in our home right now. Thank you for understanding, I find it quite difficult to talk about, and I'm struggling with it at the moment xx

(Or words to that effect, less rambling and more tactful )

Sorry OP I appreciate you had a stressful time when he was born, but I feel you’re being a bit unreasonable now.

@RedRobin100

Sorry OP I appreciate you had a stressful time when he was born, but I feel you’re being a bit unreasonable now.

I'd agree with this. What worked for her in the first place is clearly starting to wear thin as she was trying to accommodate your needs 100% which is untenable. If you're determined to have him stay in your own home then if looks like you'll need alternative childcare.

OP I get it, she wanted to babysit so you let her. She's had the same routine when babysitting for a while now and last minute she's dropped it on you that she wants to change the plans and that change disadvantages you.

I think you're right that it's time to seek other forms of childcare if you're not happy for her to call the shots.

@RedRobin100

Sorry OP I appreciate you had a stressful time when he was born, but I feel you’re being a bit unreasonable now.

I agree with this. Maybe she's tired tonight and quite simply doesn't want to have to wait up until you get home for her to go home. Yes she wanted to help, but it's done you a big favour too. If you aren't happy that she's asked for him to stay over, make plans to pay for your own childcare.

@girlmom21

OP I get it, she wanted to babysit so you let her. She's had the same routine when babysitting for a while now and last minute she's dropped it on you that she wants to change the plans and that change disadvantages you.

I think you're right that it's time to seek other forms of childcare if you're not happy for her to call the shots.

Thank you. Literally one of the only people who can understand what this is all about.

I don't want to sound ungrateful. I really appreciate everything she does for us. But I hate it when things feel out my control and its not the first time she's taken it from me!

What a lot of upset she'd have saved if she'd just run it past you in advance instead of, at the last minute, telling you what was to be.

Can you tell her that?
If you can't, I would be looking for alternative childcare because this may well come up in the future about other things that she doesn't see the need to check with you first.

@BeanEm

I appreciate all of you saying that she is doing us a huge favour, because she is.

However, this is what she wanted, we wanted to get a child minder or baby sitter and pay, she didn't want that, "no stranger will be looking after my grandchild". So whilst she is brilliant, she has put us in this situation. It isn't about not wanting to pay or anything like that.

It also isn't just about morning cuddles, that was just a mere example. It also still isn't simply about staying the night. She has tried to change the plans at the last minute and that is not OK. If a baby sitter called you up and said actually your child will sleep at mine tonight, you wouldn't be happy with that. Yes, she is family, but it is the same thing.

I'm not controlling every aspect of his life but I would like a little say in whether or not he is looked after in my house or not. She is not expected to wake him up and drive him across the city at all times of the night. She merely offered that it would make sense to have him go to bed in his own home when it was possible! Which was the agreement before she wanted to change it last minute.

Thank you all for your contributions. You have made it clear to me that whilst having her as his primary carer outside of nursery was a great idea, I need to look at other options finally. Like I wanted to do in the first place.

OP I hope you will at least explain to her why you are upset and give her the chance to do it the way you want it done, rather than just effectively firing her.

In her place I’d be devastated if you just changed childcare without a chat about it.

Absolutely!! I won't be firing her, he loves spending time with her. Just going to find someone who can do the evenings and awkward times rather than relying on her all the time.

We will 100% chat it out. Obviously a lot has changed since we made the initial arrangements and we need to adapt to that.

@Tanith

What a lot of upset she'd have saved if she'd just run it past you in advance instead of, at the last minute, telling you what was to be.

Can you tell her that?
If you can't, I would be looking for alternative childcare because this may well come up in the future about other things that she doesn't see the need to check with you first.

Yes, I think so, we even talked last night and she was adamant the plan was fine and wouldn't need changed. 12 hours clearly makes a lot of difference.

How many evenings does she do a week or month

As in how often is she staying up late in your home , then driving home when she could be asleep

Obv I get you want to see him in am but no reason why you can’t drive there tomorrow

Or is dh about. Who is looking after him while you are at work Saturday

A chat is needed

Either you end up paying fir a babysitter till 11/midnight

Mil stays at yours but seems she isn’t happy about that now

Ds stays at hers

Honestly, I would say something along the lines of the PP with the explanation of you needing childcare to be in your home and you understand if she'd rather not do it for the evenings etc so you're happy to arrange for paid childcare.

That is completely fair.

The people saying you're unreasonable to not want to miss morning cuddles are being very weird. Why should you have to miss out on cuddles with your son when it's your MIL who insisted on you not having paid childcare.

Your MIL shouldn't be dictating when you can see your son!

I think she is doing you a huge favour, and she clearly didn't want to be out of her house for half the night tonight so her solution was for baby to go to her, which doesn't work for you.

I don't think either of you are unreasonable, but clearly this arrangement isn't working. You need different childcare options, so if she isn't up for coming to yours then you have someone you can pay for childcare.

If she is doing a massive favour and helping out then there is only so much you can dictate without seeming unreasonable

I think it's going to be a lot harder to find reliable, consistent, good quality childcare for those hours than you think.

It's unlikely to be a case of 'well we'll just get a childminder then'.

Maybe you need to change your thinking around this, rather than hers. So just accept that on a night that she has him, SHE chooses where he sleeps (whatever is most convenient for her). Every single other night of his life YOU choose. That way it is in your control because you are CHOOSING to allow her a say on the nights she has him. The other choice is using paid childcare who I guarantee won't love him like she does. It's your choice.

I think it's going to be a lot harder to find reliable, consistent, good quality childcare for those hours than you think.

I was thinking this too. You've also got the hassle of your DS having to get used to someone else caring for him when he's been used to his gran doing it, and I'm assuming he's settled nicely with her if this has been in place for a while.

I hope you sort something out!

Or granny puts him to bed 630/7 then babysitter comes 7-11

Obv ds needs to be meet them incase wakes up and stranger there

So again how many evenings till 11 do uou need a week /month

Then cost that at £12 x 4 so £50 (48) a night expense