Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Nanny - don’t know what to do

38 replies

Band · 18/10/2021 18:44

Hi all

We have a nanny for our son since he was 15 months. He’s now 2,5 years and since he was 2yo it has been a struggle for him to happily stay with her in the mornings. He cries and fusses every morning when she arrives and clings to me.

I actually think they didn’t really bond as their personalities are worlds apart - this wasn’t noticeable until he was 2 but now we see he needs lots of interaction all the time and the nanny is very introverted and does not make too much of a fuss when she sees him and during play. I’ve noticed that every now and then she’s very harsh/strict on him for things that are irrelevant which is making me not happy at all and I’ve voiced this to her at least 3 times by now.

I am now going twice/week to the office and get really anxious about what’s happening at home when I’m not there. She gets better when I discuss things with her for a few days but then she goes back to her usual self.

Another thing that is making me really think this is not a good fit at all is that she did not send her birthday wishes on his birthday and he also also sick twice on a Friday and she didn’t even text to ask how he was doing during the weekend/her holidays. It’s like she doesn’t really care about him which makes me really sad

We always try to be very fair employers and give her lots of perks but I don’t see any enthusiasm from her when she’s performing her role. I have asked her at least once a month if everything is fine and if she’s happy or if she has concerns but can’t get much out of her...

It is our intention for DS to start preschool in September next year so we will no longer need a nanny at that time (so we could make her redundant at that time) but I don’t think I can cope with another year like this. I wake up with lots of anxiety now and it’s affecting me.

Any help/guidance/advice from someone who experienced something similar would be much appreciated. Thank you

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Embracelife · 18/10/2021 18:47

She doesn't need to ask after him in her holiday !

"She didn’t even text to ask how he was doing during the weekend/her holidays." Why would she?

But if it isn't good fit
Talk to her
She can look elsewhere

olympicsrock · 18/10/2021 18:48

It’s sounds like she is not a good fit for your family although your expectations are too high expecting an employee to be in contact on days off/ weekends / holidays. She is not family and deserves time off.

Most 2 years old are clingy/ fussy when parents leave . This is completely normal as a developmental stage and does not indicate that they haven’t bonded or that she isn’t doing a good job.

stalkersaga · 18/10/2021 18:49

Judging her for not sending birthday wishes or asking about him during her off time is not on. That is not an effective or appropriate way to judge someone who is doing a job.

But if you don't feel your son has bonded with her, you don't agree with her approach to discipline and you don't trust her then your relationship has broken down and you can't go on. You need to terminate the relationship appropriately and using any processes agreed in her contract.

mrsevangelina · 18/10/2021 18:54

Why would she contact you on her days off? That's a ridiculous expectation.

If she's not a fit then you'll have to sort out other arrangements.

katieg03 · 18/10/2021 19:15

Do you contact your boss on your days off?

She sees you as an employer. She's not family.

Original poster

Band · 18/10/2021 20:15

Thank you so much for your replies.

Maybe I did not express myself appropriately- I’m very respectful of my nanny’s time off, finishing times etc. The reason I gave that as an example was to demonstrate the apparent lack of bonding/interest on top of other things (lack of interactivity, lots of time on her phone which I had to ask her to only do that when my son is napping unless it’s an urgent matter, doesn’t play too much with him unless I asked her to do so)

I have 2 other friends who have nannies and apparently they always ask how they are if their children are sick (even on weekends!) so maybe they are the exception and my expectation was unrealistic.

Thanks for your comments again as it provided a different perspective.

OP posts:

WheelieBinPrincess · 18/10/2021 20:19

How much are you watching her or there with her though? Can’t you let her get on and do her job? I hate trying to nanny and be ‘on’ when the parents are around constantly. My charges and i have a wonderful bond but it doesn’t always shine through spectacularly when I have the parents around, it’s a totally different dynamic.

rubyslippers · 18/10/2021 20:25

She’s not done anything awful
You don’t seem to like her or her approach and that’s ok
You have to gel and it appears you haven’t
I wouldn’t expect her on days off to text you

restate your expectations and try to regroup or you will have to re-evaluate

De88 · 18/10/2021 20:51

Do you have other options for childcare? I've never lived in an area where nannies are common so maybe I'm misunderstanding, this is someone who is not OFSTED registered or monitored, and looks after only your child in your home? I'm bored as hell after 30 mins of that for my own kids so I imagine it takes a lot of skill and patience, and a lot of searching on a parents part to find a nanny they are happy with! Perhaps you're right and she isn't a good fit.

We have plenty of childminders and nurseries where I am though- just move him elsewhere if you feel he needs more interaction.

BeMoreHedgehog · 18/10/2021 20:55

Did you previously post a couple of posts about your nanny? Wasn’t there a personality clash?

Missmissmiiiiiiiiisss · 18/10/2021 20:57

If the overal message you are getting is that she doesn’t care about your son then get rid of her (legally). I could put up with a lot if a child carer is loving towards my child, but if they seen indifferent then no amount of professionalism can make up for that.

nannynick · 19/10/2021 06:35

@De88 A little over 10,000 nannies in England are Ofsted registered. Though parents are responsible for choosing a suitable nanny, Ofsted registration is mainly so childcare schemes such as Tax Free Childcare can be used, rather than monitoring what a nanny does.

nannynick · 19/10/2021 06:39

How many chats have you had with your nanny about this? It sounds as though you have raised things a few times and it improves and then goes back to how it was again.

Doesn't play - that's a bit odd. I seem to spend a lot of my day on the floor, playing with dolls house, duplo, balls, building a den, puzzles/games, with the children (1 & 4) in my care.

Blondeshavemorefun · 20/10/2021 19:18

I think since COVID nannies have had it hard

Suddenly their bosses are at home all the time and many undermind

And for their charges their parents are about

Obv they want mummy rather then nanny esp if you are working at home

Yes a happy birthday would have been nice. Did she get him a card or pressie

Do you get her a birthday card /pressie

If had been really poorly I might text over weekend to ask but there is no need for her

She is away from work. You are there

Saying all this

If you aren’t happy with her then give her notice and find new childcare

preschool is usually 9-3/330. Can you take him in a years time and collect. Or still need childcare

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 20/10/2021 19:27

I wouldn’t want to leave my kid in the care of someone I’m not sure about

Suzi888 · 20/10/2021 19:31

“She doesn't need to ask after him in her holiday !

"She didn’t even text to ask how he was doing during the weekend/her holidays." Why would she?”

Wow- savage. Erm because this is a young child she’s been looking after for a while and a text takes two seconds?!

Your nanny sounds like she’s in the wrong job to be honest!

Hlglu56 · 20/10/2021 19:34

I’m surprised about a lot of these comments. My childminder always asks after my children if they’re poorly and gets them presents on their birthdays. I wouldn’t expect a present but would certainly expect them to at least wish them a ‘happy birthday’. I wouldn’t expect contact on their holiday or weekends though.

You’re his mother and if it doesn’t feel right then I would trust your gut feeling and would look for different childcare. She might fit in better with another family.

Anonymice1 · 20/10/2021 20:12

"She didn’t even text to ask how he was doing during the weekend/her holidays."

Why should she? You seem to forget it’s a job for her, and her time off is her time off. It would be weird if she texted you on weekends about her job. Sorry. And it’s completely normal for a 2-year old child to be sad when left by it’s parent. It does not mean he/she is sad all day.

Anonymice1 · 20/10/2021 20:17

But, her interaction with him is obviously important. It is even more important that she talks to him a lot, he is that age (2) where is synapses in his brain developes more than they ever will in his entire life - so talking and interacting a lot is absolutely vital.

Anonymice1 · 20/10/2021 20:18

*his not is Sorry for poor spelling.

orangespotatoes · 20/10/2021 20:25

I don't think you're being too harsh! Having a nanny is such a personal relationship, they should really have a proxy-parent relationship with your child. I used to nanny and really loved my charges- I'm still in contact with one family 10 years after I left them. Things like birthdays should be acknowledged. The illness thing, maybe she had a busy weekend? But if I knew my charge was unwell over the weekend I'd usually check in with them on a Sunday evening, just so I'd know what I'd be walking into in a Monday morning!
She doesn't sound like a good fit for your family, and that's okay.

HanSB · 20/10/2021 20:30

I understand where you are coming from, she doesn’t sound very nurturing or a good fit for you and your family. I mean I would expect a nanny to care enough about their charge to wish them a happy birthday. I wouldn’t expect a present but a little fuss and some special birthday activity whilst in their care. It’s the fact she is making you so anxious which makes me thing you need to both move on, find someone else to look after your son and give him the attention he needs.

Olivegreenstrawberries · 20/10/2021 20:34

Find a new nanny. I'm not sure why you aren't listening to your anxious feelings.

The being strict as you've described it is not something I would want for me 2 year old at all.

FallingStar21 · 20/10/2021 20:34

Lots of red flags in her behaviour. I have been a nanny and I am introverted, but I always put a lot of effort and time into the child, regardless of their age or personality. This means reading, finding engaging games and activities.

Red flags that jumped out at me:

She seems distant and uncaring towards your DC
She is too strict/harsh, even after you've asked her not to be multiple times
She takes the cue and adjusts her behaviour for a few days, then goes back to not doing what you've asked.
She is on her phone when she should be looking after DC.
Not even a wish or card for his birthday? That's horrible imo.

I'd sack her, she isnt putting much effort into your DC (doesnt sound like she even likes her job) and he probably feels it, hence being so clingy all the time. If you are feeling so anxious about her, do not prolong this misery. Start looking, there will be more attentive, caring and engaging nannies out there

Blondeshavemorefun · 20/10/2021 21:30

What is she harsh /strict on

What you may not find important a nanny might

But

As I said previously

If you aren’t happy then give notice

Flip

1 2