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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

Nanny - don’t know what to do

38 replies

Band · 18/10/2021 18:44

Hi all

We have a nanny for our son since he was 15 months. He’s now 2,5 years and since he was 2yo it has been a struggle for him to happily stay with her in the mornings. He cries and fusses every morning when she arrives and clings to me.

I actually think they didn’t really bond as their personalities are worlds apart - this wasn’t noticeable until he was 2 but now we see he needs lots of interaction all the time and the nanny is very introverted and does not make too much of a fuss when she sees him and during play. I’ve noticed that every now and then she’s very harsh/strict on him for things that are irrelevant which is making me not happy at all and I’ve voiced this to her at least 3 times by now.

I am now going twice/week to the office and get really anxious about what’s happening at home when I’m not there. She gets better when I discuss things with her for a few days but then she goes back to her usual self.

Another thing that is making me really think this is not a good fit at all is that she did not send her birthday wishes on his birthday and he also also sick twice on a Friday and she didn’t even text to ask how he was doing during the weekend/her holidays. It’s like she doesn’t really care about him which makes me really sad

We always try to be very fair employers and give her lots of perks but I don’t see any enthusiasm from her when she’s performing her role. I have asked her at least once a month if everything is fine and if she’s happy or if she has concerns but can’t get much out of her...

It is our intention for DS to start preschool in September next year so we will no longer need a nanny at that time (so we could make her redundant at that time) but I don’t think I can cope with another year like this. I wake up with lots of anxiety now and it’s affecting me.

Any help/guidance/advice from someone who experienced something similar would be much appreciated. Thank you

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

simplyme83 · 21/10/2021 21:41

i do find it a bit odd she didnt message to say happy birthday or see how he is feeling when he was sick. i am a nanny and i would always do that. yes, it is 'just' a job in one way, but i do feel the bond with the child is important since they spend such a huge amount of time with us(if full time)
it is harder to nanny while parents are around, and the way your son in responding to here while you are there might not be a tru reflection of how he is when you are not.

icelollies · 21/10/2021 21:47

We’ve had two nannies, and both cared a lot about my little boy.
Always asked how he was after he was ill, even at weekends / later in the evening. Sent birthday messages, cards etc

Go with your intuition. She doesn’t seem like the right fit for you - you should not be worrying in the morning after all this time!

Apple40 · 21/10/2021 22:09

As a childminder I always contacted families to see how my little ones were if they had been sent home or not come in because they were poorly. I liked to know how they were but it also allowed me to play quieter days for when they were back rather than trip out they may not be up too it.

Flowersintheattic2021 · 21/10/2021 22:19

There is a nanny section on mumsnet btw

Aphrodite31 · 21/10/2021 22:19

@FallingStar21

Lots of red flags in her behaviour. I have been a nanny and I am introverted, but I always put a lot of effort and time into the child, regardless of their age or personality. This means reading, finding engaging games and activities.

Red flags that jumped out at me:

She seems distant and uncaring towards your DC
She is too strict/harsh, even after you've asked her not to be multiple times
She takes the cue and adjusts her behaviour for a few days, then goes back to not doing what you've asked.
She is on her phone when she should be looking after DC.
Not even a wish or card for his birthday? That's horrible imo.

I'd sack her, she isnt putting much effort into your DC (doesnt sound like she even likes her job) and he probably feels it, hence being so clingy all the time. If you are feeling so anxious about her, do not prolong this misery. Start looking, there will be more attentive, caring and engaging nannies out there

All of the above.

She doesn't make a thing of his 2nd birthday? And she looks after him all week?

She doesn't worry if he's ok when I'll?

She's mean to him?

And the biggest point of all:

He's desperately trying to show you he's not happy staying alone with her.

Listen to your instincts and to your child.

I would be letting her go tomorrow.

Unless you want to get a nanny cam and see how it is when you're not there.

Of course this is no good. Find a nice, loving, interested person to enjoy being with your son.

Flowersintheattic2021 · 21/10/2021 22:21

Ignore my comment. There used to be. (I was meaning it as someone there could be very helpful)

Goldbar · 21/10/2021 22:51

You're not being harsh at all. I would feel exactly the same as you do about leaving my DC in the care of someone who is unenthusiastic and indifferent to them. You are paying for 1-1 care for your DC.... why would you continue to pay someone who is incapable of providing the warm, playful, play-based care that will help your DS's development? I agree that she sounds like she is in the wrong profession.

squee123 · 21/10/2021 23:20

I think you need a new nanny. You know your child best and you feel they haven't bonded so it's time to move on for everyone's sake.

You pay a lot of money, and personally spending that much money I expect someone to have a wonderful loving relationship with my child. Of course there are times when he doesn't want me to go, but my son gets excited when she arrives and is always keen to give her a hug. I'll put up with a lot else for that.

The texting about him at the weekends is a red herring. The key here is to trust your gut.

Tenfifteen · 21/10/2021 23:52

I wouldn’t have a nanny who wasn’t warm, kind and caring for my child. It is a very important part of what I look for and I’ve had the same nanny for four years. So I don’t get the first few comments at all - nannying is much more than a job and much more personal to have someone in your home and with your child.

I’ve never thought about it but our nanny does buy presents and cards, will contact if DC poorly, buys treats after school sometimes with her own money because she feels like it. She’ll chatter endlessly about Harry Potter, volcanos and enjoys lots of imaginary play being creative together. She’s firmly in charge, but never strict and DC thrive in her care. I wouldn’t have anything else.

I definitely wouldn’t have a nanny I had to mention these types of issues to more the once. Its really alien to how I want DC raised. So what I think im saying is you aren’t at all wrong to feel the way that you do. There are nanny’s out there who will share what you value. Now go find one.

Happyhappyday · 23/10/2021 04:32

Your expectations of her “caring” are really unrealistic and unfair. DD’s nanny has been with her for 3 years and is WONDERFUL but I wouldn’t ever expect her to text on her day off even to ask about DD.

The other DC in our nanny share often still cries when he gets dropped off but he’s also been with her for 3 years & the share is at our house & he is very happy with nanny all day, he’s just a clingy kid.

However the phone thing would bug me & ultimately if it’s not a good fit you should find someone new. But you need to remember they are NOT a family member. They can care very lovingly for your DC and still go home to their own lives without a thought of you. It’s pretty unreasonable for you to expect differently whatever your friends’ say.

LynetteScavo · 23/10/2021 06:33

OP - I think you're looking for posters to say hey a new nanny. If the nanny you have is not the person you want your DS to spend all day with, then it's perfectly reasonable to find another nanny.

You sound lovely, so I'm sure you'll go about letting your current nanny go in a reasonable way. I've only known one person have the same issue as you, and they had only had their nanny for a month, so it was quite easy to explain to the nanny they weren't the right fit.

Personally I think a child crying when they are dropped off somewhere they know they will be left is very different from a child crying when a nanny arrives. I'm curious as to how the nanny reacts to this.

Ilovesandwiches · 24/10/2021 18:25

I’m a nursery practitioner so a different setting from the nanny and different way of working but I always think about the children on their birthdays and when they’re poorly. I obviously don’t message as that’s inappropriate for the way we work but if I was a nanny who had contact with the family via text message I would definitely check in!

Lovesicecreams · 24/10/2021 18:35

Op I’ve had a nanny I wasn’t happy with and I would go to work every day feeling anxiety. I decided to let her go and checked out legalities of it all so knew what I could do.

When I got there to talk to her she resigned and had a letter ready prepared. She admitted she hadn’t bonded with dd and so I hadn’t been imagining it.

I think you should trust your instincts on stuff like this. I wish I had agreed more quickly with our nanny

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