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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

Unsure au pair - am I expecting too much?

61 replies

Potentialaupair · 19/09/2021 03:22

Hi! I’ve seen a lot of discussion on here about au pairs and I was wondering if anyone could spare some advice for one?
get ready for a ramble…

I’ve got a contract with a family but I am now having a bit of a wobble about them. They were super lovely on the call and so I accepted the position with them a bit too quickly. More recently some stuff has raised some red flags

firstly the room is very small (5 square meters). It is clean and just been painted which is nice. However, the family have only put a bed (with some under bed storage) in and no other furniture and said that they will add more furniture if needed once I’m there. I feel a bit put out as I don’t really want to be living out a suitcase! Additionally as far as I know there is not a radiator in the room, which is a problem as the room is not connected to their house (it’s a chambre de bonne - service room on top floor of paris building) and I doubt the corridors in the building are heated.
they have also asked me to cook dinner for the whole family every night - which I can do but combined with the room makes me feel not very on equal footing
they also changed my start hours from 4:30 to 3:30pm between our first call and signing the contract and reduced the pocket money in the same time frame

I feel very torn as they did seem nice and I want to give them a chance and make sure I’m worth having around but at the same time I feel like they’ve already shown lack of regard for my comfort with the room etc. I feel like I could handle each of these things individually but together it’s a lot! Please let me know what you think!!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

MarieG10 · 19/09/2021 03:25

Listen to your doubts. You are having them for good reason. There will be other better families out there that don't change things as they have done

Huckleberries73 · 19/09/2021 03:28

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Kanaloa · 19/09/2021 03:28

Absolutely not. If they’re like this now it won’t improve once you’re there and they feel they’ve got you trapped.

There are good au pair positions out there - look for one of those!

RelentlessForwardProgress · 19/09/2021 03:29

If you can get out of it without loss on your side, I honestly would. Its all a bit cheeky but the no heating (if correct) is ridiculous.

SinoohXaenaHide · 19/09/2021 04:04

That sounds miserable and I think you should leave.

An "au pair" is not supposed to be a servant, and that is the status this family is giving you, and a poorly treated one at that.

An au pair should be treated as if they were the older grownup sibling of the children of the house - so doing some babysitting of the youngsters and doing a share of the chores but treated as one of the family generally. Pay is low but that is because responsibilities and expectations are also pretty low.

This family have given you a tiny room without basic facilities to feel homely, and want you to cook every night and work longer hours for less money.

Nope.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/09/2021 04:29

Good grief, it sounds like indentured servitude. Red flags all over the place.

Back out of this and don't give it another thought. Always trust your instincts.

Bogeyes · 19/09/2021 05:40

They are looking for a servant. Make sure they don't put your passport in their safe!

Clymene · 19/09/2021 06:44

Don't go. Au pairs are like hen's teeth at the moment. There will be better positions.

IHateCoronavirus · 19/09/2021 06:49

Another one for don’t go, trust your instinct. Give them honest feedback which shows you know your worth.

Sparklfairy · 19/09/2021 06:50

PPs using the word servant is right. You'll be living in a cupboard with no heating and if they're already reducing your pay and increasing your hours before you've even started I can guarantee they will treat you even worse when you get there.

heldinadream · 19/09/2021 06:51

They want you to cook the family's dinner every night? And everything else you said. No no no.
They want a maid. Do not walk into this. They sound like people who fully intend to take advantage of you.

Aphrodite31 · 19/09/2021 06:54

No no no no no. Et non.

Absolutely not.

A tiny freezing box room, cooking for them (they are Parisian? Not just one course ...) as well as looking after the children, and the number with an extra hour and less money says it all.

However nice, this will be miserable exploitation.

As an English au pair you could name your price. Get something much better. You are not obliged to them. Tell them you’re ill and back out.

Aphrodite31 · 19/09/2021 06:56

Room just over the size of a king size bed. No bedside table, wardrobe, drawers, dressing table, desk, comfy chair? ... if they think that’s ok for you, they are not good people.

bigbaggyeyes · 19/09/2021 07:10

Nope not good people. They shouldn't have changed the terms and conditions on you following what was verbally agreed. They want you to do more hours for less pay.
The room also is terrible. That's not welcoming in any way

Arghlife · 19/09/2021 07:13

Don't do it. I'm a nanny and I had a family do this to me. What they said in conversations and the interview was different to what they put in the contract. You have to go with your gut feelings in this case.

MitheringMytryl · 19/09/2021 07:15

Don't do it. It's not so much the amount of pocket money, or the size of the room, but the fact that they have moved the goalposts since you have spoken to them and expect you to just go along with it.

Also you would obviously need somewhere to store your clothes..? So why not just sort that for you now, ready for your arrival? An IKEA clothes rail, for example, isn't expensive. Telling you that you can have more furniture down the road, if you need it, sounds like they are fobbing you off. It will never materialise.

olympicsrock · 19/09/2021 07:16

This is horrible. Even just taking the bedroom into consideration , this shows they do not treat you with respect as care about your comfort. There should be a bed, comfortable chair , bedside table, wardrobe and ideally your own bathroom.

It sounds like they are really mean financially and deceitful changing your start time and pay. You will easily get about her job. Just leave before you have to go through the settling in period / build relationships with them.

SheWoreYellow · 19/09/2021 07:20

I think the no heating is reason enough to not take it up.

MrsSchadenfreude · 19/09/2021 07:25

They are asking too much. How much are they paying you? And is the chambre de bonne at the top of their house, or in an apartment block where they have an apartment? Do you share a bathroom? Cooking for the family every night - no way. Your evenings should be free apart from one or two evenings babysitting.

Our last au pair used to collect the children from school, go to the park or play in the garden with them if it was nice, games at home if not. Sometimes she would make dinner for them, if she wanted to cook, but mostly I would cook and she would heat up. She would either eat with the children or with us, or would go out with friends when we got home. Once we got in, she was off duty and her time was her own (and all weekend was free). We paid extra for babysitting during the week. This was about 18 years ago and we paid her €750 per month, plus health insurance.

MrsSchadenfreude · 19/09/2021 07:30

She also didn’t do any housework, beyond tidying up after the children and loading the dishwasher. We paid for her to fly home when we went on holiday, and on one occasion, to visit her sister in Canada. The main thing for an au pair is to treat her as a member of the family - she had the choice to come on family outings (like an older teenage sibling would), and generally do family stuff with us.

merrymouse · 19/09/2021 07:38

As has been mentioned before an ‘au pair’ lives as part of the family which is why they are only given pocket money. www.gov.uk/au-pairs-employment-law/au-pairs I would guess that French employment law is similar (unless there have been massive changes since Brexit) and that if they are expecting you to work as a nanny different employment legislation kicks in.

From my experience working as an au pair in Paris (albeit a long time ago), it’s really normal to live in a chambre de bonne and that can be good because you aren’t living in top of the family. However, it can also be lonely and they vary hugely in quality. Do you have a private toilet and shower? I remember the plumbing could be a bit dodgy, but maybe things have moved on.

Also, do the hours allow you to study during the day and have some nights when you can socialise?

I can see why they would want you to start at 3.30 if that relates to school pick up, (and fairly normal to ‘start’ earlier if you also need to travel to school to do pick up), but have they increased your hours?

It’s very strange that they are French and expect you (British?, no particular culinary skills?) to cook every night for the entire family. What do they think you will cook? It implies that their expectations are unrealistic. Of course you might be an amazing cook, but it really isn’t something they should assume of an au pair.

shesellsseacats · 19/09/2021 07:49

There are so many decent families looking for au pairs, run a mile from this one.

I had au pairs when I was young, and into my early teens as my mum wanted someone in the house when I got home, even though I didn't need looking after by then!

They were always treated very much as as part of our family and we're still in touch with most of them. They had a lovely room and my mum spent lots of time making sure they had all the information they needed about how to find English classes, how to navigate living in London, what things they could do locally etc. (This was pre-internet so very much needed!).

We sometimes got other au pairs who were friends with ours, hanging out at our house, seeking advice on being treated terribly by families and my mum counselling them what to do! (Run a mile, basically!) It was a real eye opener as to how some families treat au pairs like old-school servants.

One lovely young told us how the family treated her terribly in myriad ways then told her she must smile and how she should greet them when she saw them! The brass cheek of them!

Ditch this family, you owe them nothing.

It may also be worth reflecting that as girls and women, we're socialised into putting others first, and this isn't a good thing! Although it can be hard to fight.

This, for example I want to give them a chance and make sure I’m worth having around is giving them too much. Give yourself a good chance for your au pair experience to be a success instead, by finding a much nicer family who actually deserve someone as nice as you. Advocate for yourself, not for these people who don't think you need more than a tiny, cold room!

Auroreforet · 19/09/2021 07:50

If you’re going through an agency then tell them you’re not happy and why.
This family are not treating you well before you even begin.
Look for a better family.

shesellsseacats · 19/09/2021 07:50

One lovely young told us

Missing the word woman there, not sure where it went!

agedmother · 19/09/2021 10:29

Beware. DD has only just escaped a 'nice' Parisian family; ended up in conditions approaching modern slavery; control of her bank account, 300E per month for regular 12 hour days. She travelled with them to look after their kids, but they didn't make any provision to feed her, so she was eating pot noodles in hotel rooms, while they dined with friends. Didn't help with medial attention when she had an accident, and expected to her to continue to work in their home after they had a positive PCR test. Shocking.

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