Unsure au pair - am I expecting too much?

[Potentialaupair]

Hi! I’ve seen a lot of discussion on here about au pairs and I was wondering if anyone could spare some advice for one?
get ready for a ramble…

I’ve got a contract with a family but I am now having a bit of a wobble about them. They were super lovely on the call and so I accepted the position with them a bit too quickly. More recently some stuff has raised some red flags

• firstly the room is very small (5 square meters). It is clean and just been painted which is nice. However, the family have only put a bed (with some under bed storage) in and no other furniture and said that they will add more furniture if needed once I’m there. I feel a bit put out as I don’t really want to be living out a suitcase! Additionally as far as I know there is not a radiator in the room, which is a problem as the room is not connected to their house (it’s a chambre de bonne - service room on top floor of paris building) and I doubt the corridors in the building are heated.
• they have also asked me to cook dinner for the whole family every night - which I can do but combined with the room makes me feel not very on equal footing
• they also changed my start hours from 4:30 to 3:30pm between our first call and signing the contract and reduced the pocket money in the same time frame

I feel very torn as they did seem nice and I want to give them a chance and make sure I’m worth having around but at the same time I feel like they’ve already shown lack of regard for my comfort with the room etc. I feel like I could handle each of these things individually but together it’s a lot! Please let me know what you think!!

Thank you everyone! A lot of friends from home don’t see the issue (apart from my mum who is super worried) but I guess it isn’t their lives so they wouldn’t think too much about the reality of it beyond ‘going to Paris’ and that made me doubt myself for being worried

A lot of friends from home don’t see the issue (apart from my mum who is super worried)

The thing they are probably missing is that you won’t be able to appreciate living in Paris if you aren’t being paid enough and your working hours mean you can’t go out and meet people in the evening or do much during the day.

The other issue is do they allow you to spend time in the apartment during the day and eat their food, or are you expected to stay in the chambre de bonne?

Go with your gut feeling.

But also, the best test of a family is what happens when you push back against stuff like this.

So don't be afraid to say 'I'll definitely need a wardrobe so you could order that before I come' and 'I think there's been a mistake because the contract cites different hours/wages to what we discussed?' and 'How is the room heated? Do you have a heater in there?'.

You don't have to either accept everything they say or leave. There is a middle ground where you change what doesn't work for you. It's a two way negotiation. Stand up for yourself. Good families will be fine with this. Bad families not so much!

I used to be an Aupair in the States many moons ago and I got much better "deal" than that. Move on and find a better family.

as they did seem nice

Personable, maybe. I wouldn't say they sound nice. Nice is how you treat people, not the graces you put on to charm someone.

Anybody can be personable in a conversation, doesn't make their behaviour nice. Or mean you owe them a "chance" .

Just NO I think! They are being massive CFs here TBH.Cooking for the whole family every bloody night ? No way ,then in a chilly outer room .I would look around UK to start with and see how things go here .You can easily go home then if it didnt work out .

If I were your Mum I would be "super worried " too! Listen to your doubts they are there for a bloody good reason!

Ah pairs are in REALLY short supply because of Brexit (assuming you’ll be in the UK sorry haven’t read whole thread) so you will find something better

God no. Sounds awful. You’re not an indentured servant.

I au paired for a summer. It was in their vacation home in Corsica. I was expected to look after the little boy all day every day, I had no day off. I was not given any money until the end of my time, which they cut short by two weeks so I had to find accommodation, and they gave me less than agreed because I worked two weeks less, but that was their choice. They did fly me back to the mainland at least. I was however given a decent room and ate meals with the family. I was not expected to cook, though I did do the laundry. All in all but a great experience (plus the dad made a pass at me).
Are you expected to clean up after the dinner? Would you eat with them?
And I know those service rooms - my friend had one when she was an au pair. Shared hole in the floor with 20 other people, no washing facilities (though she was lucky to have a sink in her room). She showered in the family's apartment across the street.
They will not treat you better if this is how they start.

Do they want an au-pair or a housekeeper?
cooking meals every night is a ridiculous requirement

Is it possible they found someone else and its awkward for them to say it, so they make everything to scare you off? the changed hours, the reduced pay, cooking family dinners - its not usual, so I bet they have someone else and waiting for you to refuse?

PS. I am afraid you will not find a better au-pair room in Paris, I reckon in other familes you would have to sleep in the childrens´ room... the same as in London in most cases. (if they are not super wealthy). Having your own tiny room sounds perfect, if its summer. Not for autumn/winter, when heating is important.

That sounds crap.

I wouldn’t want an unheated room.

Id want a desk and chair to study French, the whole reason for being there, at the very least. Where are you supposed to put your clothes at the end of the day? On the bed to keep you warm lol!!

If all French places are like that I’d suggest that’s a grande non.

That's appalling.

I’d leave, and soon, before it gets cold!

Now way should an au-pair be expected to share the kids room @AquaPandora. I know a bunch of people who’ve hosted au-pairs in London and they all have spare rooms for them. It’s a requirement of the scheme, if you don’t have a spare room, you can’t get an au-pair.

Don’t go, the room sounds hideous. I’ve worked as a live in nanny and when your room is the only space in the house that’s yours it has to be welcoming, so no where to store your belongings and coming up to the time of the year where you’ll need a warm room it doesn’t sound good. Plus they should be increasing your wages if you work an extra hour every day not cut them. All this before you even get there is enough of a warning.

There’ll be other lovely families out there just waiting for you.

OP, I’m guessing you didn’t use an agency and you matched with this family on an online aupair forum? There are several reputable au pair agencies in Paris - I worked with ´Europair’ 10 years ago. It’s a good idea to take a look at their websites and see what they include in a standard’ contract. You can even call them up and explain your situation - they are likely to help you if it means they’ll be take on another family. You’re right that it’s a fairly major red flag that the family have changed the terms of the agreement after you arrived, and that they haven’t bothered to think about basic furniture for your room. I had a lot of au pair friends in Paris. The cases of abuse happen pretty much exclusively with families who have not gone through an agency, because the agencies have rules and standards and will pull an au pair out of a bad situation and help them find a different family. They also help mediate in cases where there are issues but not abuse - like different expectations about how to discipline children. Families that mistreat aupairs are black listed.

Don’t dot it op x

Shared hole in the floor with 20 other people, no washing facilities (though she was lucky to have a sink in her room). She showered in the family's apartment across the street.

some chambres de bonne have been converted to include en-suites and are small but comparable to student accommodation.

But yes, the basic set up is a small room and a toilet shared with anyone else who happens to have a room in the same building.

'I reckon in other familes you would have to sleep in the childrens´ room... the same as in London in most cases. (if they are not super wealthy).'

This is not the case in the UK. Au pairs should always have their own room. The super wealthy generally go for nannies and not au pairs.

Please run a mile from this OP. They are already cheating you. It will only get worse. .
There are much better ways of being in Paris than this.

To help you get an idea of what a normal au pair arrangement in Paris looks like, OP : europairservices.com/

I would withdraw, but be honest, don't say you're ill. I would say I was unsettled by the change of contract without discussion (times and money are pretty significant), and therefore withdrawing on the basis that you have better offers. An unheated garret room and cooking for a whole family every night sounds like a bargain basement maid, not an au pair!

Run a mile from the whole thing but I am fascinated by the idea that you would cook for the whole family every night. Just the children yes. But the whole family? How weird. Would they expect you to plan and shop for these meals too?

Just musings, who cares what they want, run a mile and find a more reasonable family.

They are not nice.

They upped your hours and lowered your pay.

They’ve given you a shit room.