childminder and force feeding ishoos

[cuppa]

OK, dd3 goes to childminder. Generally she is excellent and dd very happy there.

BUT. dd is poor eater. Has poor appetite, often eats little, but does have tendancy to try to fill up on/prefer snacks (crackers, fruit) rather than proper meals. Trying to ensure she doesn't snack at expense of meals.

She has lunch at childminders 2x a week

Today, go to collect her after lunch (am in hurry), dd has 2 spoonfuls of pasta left. I think she was eating as I arrived (childminder on phone). She anyhow stopped when I arrived and I needed to go anyway. Childminder finishes call and insists dd finishes plate (other mindees long gone upstairs playing.

I don't want to undermine cm, as I know it's hard to have 1 rule for 1 kid and other rule for the rest, BUT, I don't want to creat battle round food, dd was really crying she didn't want to finish, CM telling her (in kind but firm tones) she mustn't be stubborn, she had to finish, just cos I turn up she can't just stop etc etc. But like I said, I don't want dd sitting weeping over her dinner and creating possibly more food problems than we already have. I don't feel happy with being forced to clear your plate and to sit there forever till you do.
OTOH, how can I insist cm has different rule for my kid than for the others? Plus I acknowledge maybe dd does eat better for her and she's such a crap eater cos of me in the 1st place.

She is due to go again tomorrow and I feel I should discuss but don't know what to say.

Any ideas? Sorry for ramble.

I agree with you that it's a really bad idea to create that much stress over food.

are you sure this rule about finishing what's on your plate is what the other parents want the cm to enforce? Do they even know this is what she does?

your child, your rules, surely? Or am I naive?

dunno if the other parents know, I'm sure it comes from her, and I'm sure she is well-meaning but I felt really frustrated and angry watching dd sitting crying when we have so many problems with her eating in the 1st place. But I also understnad the 1 rule for all, so what do I do? How can I tell her to set a different rule for my dd? Or should I just leave it? It bothers me greatly

why not say that you don't agree with forcing your dd to carry on eating when she's had enough.

maybe she could give her a very small portion, that she would finish, and then give more?

you can't just leave it. Tell her it is totally at odds with your attitudes to food. Perhaps she didn't want the last two mouthfuls because she was full? It's horrible trying to force more food into yourself when you're already full. Personally I don't think finishing what's on your plate is necessarily an appropriate rule for a child living in a society where food is cheap and plentiful and where the problem is children and adults eating more than they need. How on earth is your DD supposed to learn to regulate her own appetite and only eat when she's hungry if she is being forced to eat food she does not have an appetite for?

I would be estremely angry and upset by this, it happened to me at school, sometimes DD eats, sometimes she doesn't, the nursery lets us know what h=she has eaten, but they nver force her, and we don't either as don't want her to start having issues with food. Can you not speak quietly to CM?

no jumping here, i couldn't agree more.

is cm fat? i know that doesn't seem relevant, but it'll make it less likely she argues with you if you say you have a dfferent approach to food!

If you are concerned then speak to your cm about it. We do have certain house rules and this may well be one of hers but if you have any concerns it is always better to discuss them with your CM so that you can come to an agreement about how to proceed.

It may be that while she is slower at eating than the other mindees she is generally not distressed about having to finish her food. She may have become upset because you had arrived and she wanted to be with you.

and i do think there is a mile of difference between a bit of cajoling

"go on, eat a bit more, you'll be hungry" or "that broccoli is tasty, eat it up" or "you've got to eat a bit more"

vs
"sit there and eat everything"

OMG, I'm a CM and would never make a child finish their food if they didn't want it! . I do have a rule that if they don't eat a reasonable amount of their lunch/dinner, they don't get dessert and this is something I wouldn't change for a parents as it would be unfair on everyone else (they could provide food if they wanted or not come to me) BUT I'd never ever force feed a child!!! My poor dh was brought up with his mother insisting all was eaten and if they didn't eat it, the food would be served up cold the next day!!

I can totally understand why you are upset and I suggest you explain this to your CM.

How old is your dd btw?

Dustystar does have a very good point though, speak to the CM first as dd MAY have been crying because she wanted to stop as you'd arrived? (quite normal ime).

Talk to your CM, before this gets too big a problem for you.

I am sure that dusty and amidaiwish are right, and that she is not 'force-feeding' per se.

It's always upsetting to see your child cry, whatever the circumstances

No cm is slender, and normally wonderful, patient and kind. She clearly genuinely believes this is the right way to conduct meal times. There is no anger or shouting or anything (from her) and I totally agree with all of you, bwm, swd etc, but if this has been her firm belief and policy for x years and she is extremely consistent with her mindees and own children alike on this rule, how on earth do I approach her/get her to not do it with my dd.

I will speak to her tomorrow, but I cannot see how I can get her to change her rule just for my dd. I am really at a loss. I can't work out how to speak to her/what to say/ and what I'll say to her if that's her rule and she's sticking to it, other than withdrawing my dd which would be problematic on many levels (childcare, cm is neighbour, ill feeling, esp just before Christmas)

Other than this, CM is wonderful and tbh probably better with my dd than me am impatient and lazy, she is the opposite.

Teaching a child they have to finish everything on their plate is not good practice for parents or childminders.
Teaching a child to eat good food rather than rubbish is very different to 'eat all that'.
Children will generally only eat until they are full, unless taught otherwise.

I know from experience, I used to make DD eat everything that was on her plate, as my mother did with me, she will now eat tons, huge platefuls, because she has lost the undertanding that she has had enough, she isn't suffering because I don't give her too much but I have to encourage her to only eat what she wants from her plate, vegetables first, obviously. If I let her she would be terribly overweight now.

I've done it myself, I'll be eating my dinner and feel like I've ahd enough, but I don't stop eating because ym brain has been trained to finish my plate, it is not healthy and I have had problems with weight for years, going from a size 8 to a size 18 within a few months and vice versa, many a time. So I personally would definitely mention to the childminder that I didn't want DD to be force fed, because of these ishoos, it is our place to make sure we don't create eating disorders.

DS is different, he was fed on demand as a baby and has never been made to finish his dinner, he will be told to eat the 'good' stuff rather than the treats, but if he has had enough, then he doesn't have to finish it, he unlike his sister never has to be watched wrt overeating.

again apologies if I'm being naive, but isn't accomodating parents' different wishes something a cm just has to learn to deal with?

I think if you can bring this up calmly with your CM you might be surprised by her response. It may simply not have occurred to her that you want it done any other way, especially if that's how she brought her own children up.

Obviously, if she insists that rule has to stand in her house then you would have a big decision to make regarding her continuing to care for her child but it may not come to that. And you are not overreacting to this issue (if that's what you suspect). It is very very important and is a decision a parent should make not a CM. She may be happy to do what you wish or you may be able to find a compromise.

your child - oops

BoysAreLikeReindeer, ok, she wasn't pinning dd down with a tube down her throat, and dd was probably crying (more) because I was there, but the fact is that she insisted dd cleared her plate and was not allowed to leave the table till she'd cleared her plate, and she made it very clear she needent be so stubborn and she wasn't allowed to leave till she'd eaten every bit. CM even asked me to go and she'd deliver dd later so dd could stay indefinately till she'd finished, but I said I had to take her. We managed to cajole one more spoonful down her then I took her, and could tell cm was pissed off that I took her with some food left on her plate

Have you asked her whether your child usually finishes all of her portion? It does sound as though she just wanted to go home with you. Children are rarely perfectly consistent and predictable - this might have been one off day!

Being with other children might have encouraged her to eat up in the past and the CM could reassure you that she doesn't need much fussing most days.

If the rule is there for everyone, but your daughter takes longer / doesn't have a huge appetite, then ask the CM whether she thinks a smaller portion might be appropriate - that way, your daughter can play by the same rules as everyone else, and perhaps have an extra half a banana or something later if she is hungry. If she has a small appetite, that way she won't really be replacing meals with snacks, rather, spreading out the day's nutritional needs in portions that feel comfortable to her.

I agree with you, that making someone eat when they're not hungry isn't a great way to go about things, but on the other hand the CM probably doesn't want to let her get grouchy and hungry so might have tried giving her a bigger mid morning snack. You could do the opposite of my other suggestion and cut back on the fruit and cracker snacks, leaving her hungry when it is meal time. I suppose you can guess which your daughter is most likely to respond well to!

Aw cuppa, you have had a horrid experience

Sorry I was not much help

(at CM, not you) - I've got one baby STILL in her highchair after an hour and half but not because I'm insisting - it's because she loves her grub and is only just finished - she was busy squeezing orange and making a mess on the tray then chewing it, who am I to stop her If however she's taking ages and parents turn up early and they want to go, it's quick wipe and in the highchair if that's what parents want. My only rule is to not allow those who haven't bothered with their main course to have dessert after as otherwise they'd just always end up with dessert and not trying the other food. I have one who went through a phase of pulling the filling out of a sandwich or something and then wanting to leave the table. I'd try and encourage a little more by saying about the fruit/yoghurt (which she loves) but if she insisted she's finished, that's fine, she can go hungry (if she is hungry) until snack time later!

Your poor dd and poor you

as aparent i would be fuming!
as a cm i think she was out of line and put your dd through unnesasary upset, yes your dd will have been crying cos you were there and she wanted to go with you(had this LOADS of times), but cm should know this and either should have fed her earlier(or were you early collecting?) or understood your dd would lose interest, yes shes trying to get nutricious food into you dd but at what cost?!

i would ask cm to give dd lunch a litle earlier so you dont 'clash' in times and tell her that as long as your dd is eating 'some' of these lovely meals she prepares, you dont feel the need to finish everything on the palte as your dd is not used to big / bigger meals anyway, its a gradual thing..good luck

Thing is, I was 10 minutes late, not at all early, and dd must've been at the table nuring this cold bloody pasta for at least 40 minutes, if not an hour. And she still wouldn't allow her to leave. At least it shows she's consistent

NN I've already, even just last week spoken to CM about her poor appetite and she's agreed to monitor closely/reduce morning snacks to ensure she's hungry at lunch time. She has reported back that she's eaten very little, but dunno if this is just cos she's had very little put on her plate.

BTW, I have witnessed this a couple of times before with dd, where I've turned up and she's still being forced to sit and clear her plate, so now I have to say something, esp as CM clearly pissed off with me for not allowing her to stay and eat her manky stone cold pasta

right, this isnt on, your dd is at a cm, not a detention centre, you both know your dd eats little, why force food down her, she obv has a small appetite(and im not condecending, ive been there my dd is the same!), i would say to cm that as long as shes eating 'something' you dont mind if she doesnt eat it all and dont want her to be sat being made to eat something she doesnt want, tell her to follow the no dessert rule and at home, she will have to wait until next mealtime, but this is really wrong and will send totally wrong signals to your dd!

I think its about time you took a leaf out of the childminders book. If you had that approach at home then she would eat much better in all circumstances, thus not requiring a battle at each meal.
I had the same issues with a mother of a child I mind, whose dd now eats far better through taking my approach. i.e. no snacks between meals unless meal is eaten. Also, no pudding if first course not eaten.

I really don't think a child should be forced to eat everything on their plate. They regulate their food intake much better than adults do in general and tend to eat when they are hungry and stop when they are full. I agree you can't undermind the CM but you need to say to her you don't want that happening again.

Forgot to say it also depends how big her portion sizes are as to whether she should clear her plate. I cater for the amount my dd 22mths eats (good appetite) as all the other children are 2yrs.