childminder and force feeding ishoos

[cuppa]

OK, dd3 goes to childminder. Generally she is excellent and dd very happy there.

BUT. dd is poor eater. Has poor appetite, often eats little, but does have tendancy to try to fill up on/prefer snacks (crackers, fruit) rather than proper meals. Trying to ensure she doesn't snack at expense of meals.

She has lunch at childminders 2x a week

Today, go to collect her after lunch (am in hurry), dd has 2 spoonfuls of pasta left. I think she was eating as I arrived (childminder on phone). She anyhow stopped when I arrived and I needed to go anyway. Childminder finishes call and insists dd finishes plate (other mindees long gone upstairs playing.

I don't want to undermine cm, as I know it's hard to have 1 rule for 1 kid and other rule for the rest, BUT, I don't want to creat battle round food, dd was really crying she didn't want to finish, CM telling her (in kind but firm tones) she mustn't be stubborn, she had to finish, just cos I turn up she can't just stop etc etc. But like I said, I don't want dd sitting weeping over her dinner and creating possibly more food problems than we already have. I don't feel happy with being forced to clear your plate and to sit there forever till you do.
OTOH, how can I insist cm has different rule for my kid than for the others? Plus I acknowledge maybe dd does eat better for her and she's such a crap eater cos of me in the 1st place.

She is due to go again tomorrow and I feel I should discuss but don't know what to say.

Any ideas? Sorry for ramble.

Well I discussed this problem with the doctor as was concerned and she said we must provide healthy meals for dd, but dd is the one to eat it. If she doesn't eat if, don't make a big deal give a certain amount of time then take the food away, but offer no alternatives and nothing till next meal time. This is our policy at home, I try not to make a fuss, dd isn't allowed dessert or sweets or stuff in between. I'm reasonably satisfied we have the balance right at home.

Tori32, I appreciate CM maybe does have more success at getting food down her, but I hate the power and powerlessness thing of forcing someone to eat when they don't want to.

Ouch, this does sound like the CM's rule is a bit harsh then, if she makes them finish EVERYTHING, EVERY time. Blah. Poor DD!

It sounds a bit ridiculous to say a child has only eaten a little if she's finished everything on her plate and not been given any more. Then again, if she's given extra helpings after finishing the first lot and not finished THAT, and the CM makes her sit with it cold..... oh....

I read mary's blog at daycaredaze.wordpress.com and she has a post up recently about "I don't like pasta!" and how a child refused to eat, but now finishes it because it's that or nothing. Consistency is good, but a battle of wills isn't.

Well, if you have something on Doctor's advice I'd say CM has to stick to that too!

Forcing becomes more about the mental battle than about the food and you don't want to build up associations there!

The trouble is that lots of the time children want to get down to play, not because they have had enough. Then you find they want to have snacks an hour later, which parents give thinking the poor dc will starve, which then decreases their appetite for the next meal iyswim.

Well, I've said earlier, we don't do that.
Meals at set times, snacks at set time, nothing in between and no treats/alternatives if food not eaten.
Ah well, will speak to her tomorrow. Fingers crossed.

No-one should force children to clear their plate for the reasons I said earlier, if you're worried children will get down to play rther than be full, just don't let them leave the table til everyone has finished. If they are still hungry and have to sit at the table they will eat, if they are not they won't.

cuppa, wanted to add I think you're doing the right thing, food should not be a battle, they eat or they don't, as NAB said children are much better at regulating what they eat.

I have mixed feelings too. I never insist my kids finish, as don't want food to be an issue, but have realised that half the time they just get bored 1/2 way through and go off to play, then they're back demanding yogurt and toast later on. The answer is probably to completely ban all snacks so if they're hungry they just have to eat the meal.

oh dear,poor dd.
i think being forced to finish everything is a bit much and not very kind atall.
can you suggest to cm to give smaller portions?

amidaiwish, r u serious? "is cm fat?"
why should that mean anything?? do all fat people force feed children?

bigshopper, I won't allow snacks unless I feel the ate enough dinner, but mine have bath and bed within an hour or so after dinner anyway so I don't really get asked for snacks then.

If they are still hungry after a decent amount of a meal is eaten then I offer fruit normally and they choose their own lunches froma selection of things so I don't really have a problem with it, I honestly think that keeping them at the table is plenty, and just refusing snacks in place of dinner.

It is normally enough with fussy eaters too, keep serving things up, eventually they'll eat them, the problem is when food becomes a battle.

I also try to remember there are things I really cannot stand to eat, so they are allowed to totally refuse one or two things, just not everything, with DD it's butternut squash and with DS it's carbonara!

cuppa - this is bang out of order i'm sorry you are having probs. with your c/m - this kind of action is just setting your daughter up for an eating disorder in my opinion - i am a childminder and would never ever treat a child in this way even if it was how the mother wanted it - your childminder should be looking after your dd the way you want - it is hard to juggle several different childcare regimes but it is possible - if she can't care for your dd the way you want you must go elsewhere

Morning, well, update. took dd this morning. She was in a really bad mood all morning and didn't want to go to CM, tho this could have just be morning grumpiness. Went to CM and she asked dd why she was so grumpy and if it was to do with the lunch problems so she brought it up and asked to speak with dd about it, and I was in hurry to take other dd to doc, so asked if I could speak quickly about it.

She explained that if a child really doesn't like something they don't have to eat it, but if they do they have to eat a reasonable amount. Not quite sure due to time why it came to her being forced to finish every last mouthful. She did say it wasn't about the food per se yesterday, but a power struggle with dd saying she didn't have to do something CM wanted just cos I'd arrived (am slightly on this point as the battle had clearly been going on since a long time before I arrived)

anyway, I explained our policay about giving food, up to her if she eats it, no alternatives and at end of meal plates taken away without fuss, keeping meals stress free and low key and that this was docs advice. She was very positive and supportive and didn't say, as I feared my was is xxx but said what I'd said made sense and that she would explain to this other kids if this meant her meal time treament was different. I asked her to keep any battles and power struggles away from and separate from food and the table, and she agreed, so I was very happy with her response and that the situation is now resolved.

In every other way I've been 100% happy with CM and how she interacts with dd, so am very relieved she took on board what I had to say, and feel confident it's now sorted. Thanks for your support and advice.

Just have to hope at some point dd starts to bloody eat.

really glad everything is sorted out now

Thank you for the update, cuppa.

Glad you managed to sort things out, it sounds like you handled it very well