Mother’s Helper vaping

[TwinMum35]

I did try to post this in childcare first

What would you do in my situation? Long one sorry!

We have 7mth twins and managed to find a Mother’s Helper when they were 4 months. We live in a small place and we had been looking since they were born.

For background; She is very loving with the babies and is certainly more focused on them than any other tasks which perhaps is a source of irritation for me. I’m hoping this isn’t clouding my judgment.
She came with a spectacular reference from another twin parent and she works 40hrs per week with us. She claimed to be a non-smoker in her application.

When she first started she used the bathroom an unusual amount and I had no idea why until my husband said after a few weeks she is probably using a vape in there! I felt uncomfortable that we hadn’t been given an opportunity to discuss boundaries and rules about it but I still didn’t actually know if she was vaping.

Fast forward a month and she left her vape out in the bathroom. I used the opportunity to say that she must never handle it and then the children without washing her hands and that she must never use it anywhere but that room...

A few weeks later she was napping one of the babies in a sling in the kitchen when the baby I was napping woke ten mins early. I went to the kitchen door to signal to her that she should end the nap.
She was watching something on her phone with one hand and with the other, holding her vape pen around neck height, poised in the position that you would use it in and it was lit up (which I assume they only do when in use). When she saw me she absolutely crapped her pants and quickly tried to hide it behind her back in a panicked fashion.

When she came into the lounge I said firmly that she had been told clearly never to use it near the children. She lied to me and said she had just been holding it out of the way while she got her chapstick out of her pocket. She repeatedly denied it and told me that she would never ever do such a thing.

Basically I know she was doing it and lied about it but I felt a bit stuck in the situation and she half convinced me I was wrong so I just hoped she would never do it again.

This morning the same sort of scenario caused me to come to the door early and she quickly slid something off the table and behind herself. I didn’t see what it was but her behaviour makes it seem fairly obvious 🤦‍♀️

What on earth do I do? Do I have to actually catch her again to talk about it or act or what? Now I’m left feeling like I should end a nap early just to see it with my own eyes.

I don’t actually want to lose her but I absolutely cannot accept someone vaping around my babies. She has caused me enough reason to suspect that now I feel I have to do something for my babies sake.

Right. What I suggest you do is sit her down and have a conversation that goes something like this...

“I’m in a really difficult position. You are amazing with the babies and help me so much but I absolutely can’t have vaping around them. I did make this clear and I’ve caught you doing it a few times or what I suspect is that you were vaping. I’m not stupid so I know you were, I don’t want to make things awkward because I love and appreciate the help you give. But I think I’m going to ask if you can please leave the vape in a drawer in my bedroom whilst looking after the children? If you want to go and vape every couple of hours or so when there’s nothing that needs doing that’s fine. I’m sorry to seem strict but I did ask nicely and my babies come first. I feel slightly upset that you did it regardless, but I’m willing to let it slide if we can agree that the vape is put away”

Sorry you’ve been put in this position but she shouldn’t disrespect you and to vape around your babies is actually awful after you asked her not to. That’s just plain disrespectful to you and the babies x

I know you don't want to get rid of her and totally understand your position but she's a liar. That would be enough for me to have to let her go.

Does she get regular breaks away from the babies so that she could vape then? It seems odd that she can’t wait until her break. I think ultimately you have to decide if this is a deal breaker for you. I wouldn’t be happy about the lying.
Totally off topic but I also have twins and I’m incredibly jealous that you have help for 40 hours a week , what I would have given for an extra pair of hands when mine were babies and toddlers.

Thanks for your replies @Mummybunny2000 @Lawnpop and @lobsteroll

Lawnpop, she is allowed to go in the bathroom whenever she wants and I’ve never questioned how much she goes there or how long she spends. She tends to go immediately before a nap and straight after. Naps till recently were 90mins.
You’re right, the lying itself is a big hit on the trust front.

I didn’t have any help till 4 months so I do know how hard it is and I do the mid afternoon to evening without help 👍 We don’t have any family support at all so there is really no respite but this x

If you are her employer and have lost trust and confidence in her you can end the contract For that. You need to explain to her your side, ask her to respond then tell her your decision over her future work.

Suggest she switches to nicotine patches? Nicotine addiction is awful.

Oh get rid of her, she’s not trustworthy. She lied, and then she fed you a bullshit lie on top of that (looking for her chapstick ).

Vaping is full of gross chemicals and who knows what will be discovered about the harms as time goes on.

I would just get rid of her tbh. I couldn't have someone caring for tiny babies who I couldn't trust.

At the very least agree set break times where she can go and vape outside. The rest of the time she should be at work, not vaping in the bathroom!

I think you have to emphasize to her that vaping is unacceptable around the babies and agree set times she can take a break to vape. She could use nicotine lozenges to tide her over any cravings.

This might sound stupid but can I actually dictate to her how and when she gets her nicotine?

I feel like if she’s been honest at the start we could have talked about how much she needs to do it and options like nicorette etc.

The horse has already bolted tho. She’s used to doing whatever it is she’s doing in my house and I feel like me trying to ask about it or set restrictions would be inappropriate or something now 😬🤷‍♀️

Could I just sit her down and say look the twins are about to get more mobile and I need to know what chemicals are coming into my house and when they are being used? Can I tell her that the vape must live in the bathroom where it can be seen that it’s there all day?

I don't think the horse has bolted at all. It's not like you said that she was allowed to vape while holding your baby and now you've changed your mind. She's been doing it despite your saying no.

And yes I do think you can dictate how she takes her nicotine while she's looking after your children. Like someone else said, god only knows what damage the chemicals from vaping are doing to people. There is absolutely no chance I would let someone do that in my home.

If you don’t want vaping in your home just tell her. Vaping does class you as a non smoker though so that wasn’t a lie. Not sure what washing hands is necessary for either tbh, it’s not like handling cigarettes at all, it’s just a metal box 🤔

@TinyRobins

If you don’t want vaping in your home just tell her. Vaping does class you as a non smoker though so that wasn’t a lie. Not sure what washing hands is necessary for either tbh, it’s not like handling cigarettes at all, it’s just a metal box 🤔

I’m concerned about concentrated nicotine residue on the refills and therefore on the vape pen itself. I would expect there is some exposure when it’s changed/topped up?

(Feel free to correct me! X)

Of course u can limit when she can vape your house is her place of work if it was an office/shop she couldn't just vape when she wanted but only during official break times and outside.
You either need to explain she has 1 last chance/warning and to do it on breaks and outside or she goes.

I don’t believe you. Surely if you found a mother’s helper had a vape inside your home you would walk her to the exit immediately and never have her back.

Are you saying she was vaping whilst holding a sleeping baby in a sling? I would get rid of her if so, no question.

@Castlepeak

I don’t believe you. Surely if you found a mother’s helper had a vape inside your home you would walk her to the exit immediately and never have her back.

What? 😳

That's insane.

On the wider issue, you'll have tell her to leave, due to the lying.

IMO she shouldn't be vaping in the house at all, and I wouldn't have allowed her do it in the bathroom.

Side note, I've never heard the construction 'she was napping one of the twins', awful expression

@Castlepeak

I don’t believe you. Surely if you found a mother’s helper had a vape inside your home you would walk her to the exit immediately and never have her back.

You’ve obviously never been as desperate and addled by exhaustion as me then 😂

That was my first instinct but when you’re delirious with sleep deprivation, don’t know if you can do that as you don’t have actual proof and you’re being told repeatedly that you imagined it then you end up a bit unsure. I do feel stupid about it and I do accept that from your perspective I have failed to adequately protect my children. That’s why I am trying to figure out what to do when I know I won’t be able to replace her for weeks or months.

It doesn’t sound like she’s making your life any easier but adding to your stress. Vaping while holding baby would be a big no no for me. I know how exhausting looking after twins is. I’ve never had any family help and had to do it all on my own while my husband was at work but at least I was in control of everything myself and didn’t have to worry about someone else. If I was back in the baby stage and I had the money then I’d do baby care myself and hire someone to do cleaning or housework/laundry or food prep, and maybe someone to take twins for a walk while I had a rest.

Just playing devil's advocate here (and no I do not vape nor smoke...) But there are vape oils that are nicotine free. I'd first establish what she is vaping before making any decisions. Because if go in there sayung you don't want nicotine vapours around the baby... She might turn around and say her vape oils don't contain any. Would you be fine with her vaping around your babies then?

Why are so sure you won't be able to replace her? It sounds like a lovely job....8 hours a day/5 days a week looking after twins/helping round the house.

Are you paying well etc.? How small is the place where you're living?! And is there nowhere bigger nearby?

It's possible that she wasn't using it, but checking to see how much charge it had - depending on the make/model you press a button and a light/lights show how much battery remains. None that I've used 'light up' when actually being used.

I've also never known any to have spills or leaks, so please be reassured there's unlikely to have been any nicotine residue.

I vape, but would never use mine around babies or children (even when out and they're strangers) as I don't think the cloud that's exhaled is nice for others and also worry about the bad influence for older children.

However, if you let her go I don't know how easy it will be to find someone else.

Try chatting and explaining your reasons and giving her actual breaks to either go outside or in the bathroom.

I'm really quite shocked she might have been ignoring your instructions as what else might she ignore eg. when weaning, playing, watching them outside. I'd have too many doubts that she might be an 'I know best' type and do things her way, regardless.

So sorry you're having to deal with this on top of sleepless nights etc. and really hope you can sort things out so that you're happy. My Db and SIL have twins - it gets easier apparently!

She shouldn’t be vaping whilst at work full stop. And she’s disrespecting you by doing t whilst holding your baby and in the bathroom. Get rid there are plenty nannies out there that won’t vape over your children.

In any other work environment she would be gone.