Is this the right approach? Help

[Drunkenmonkey]

I really need some advice about an approach to settling in.

My first baby took ages to settle and now I've started with the second and it is very similar. I have chosen a childminder who seems great, comes personally recommended and loads of experience.
I've tried to follow her advice and we did one session at her house with me staying. DD cried when we arrived and wouldn't really leave my lap, but eventually got down to play.
She then suggested the second session she stay alone for an hour. I assumed I would come in for a bit but at the door she suggested to drop and go as she said it would be easier than her getting used to me being there (she was very kind about this, not pushy but confident).
Anyway I left and she cried non stop for 40 minutes and then I came back and she was sobbing and catching her breath, she was distraught.
What do I do now? She has suggested doing another drop and go next week and gradually building up the time. I feel like I should have gone in today and feel devaststed that I abandoned her like that when she wasn't ready.
I am so upset about this. I now think that she will have such bad associations with the place and we should have done a gentler approach.
Im thinking of suggesting next time I come in for a while but will that just confuse her??

What would you do?

Thanks

How old is DD? It could be "normal" separation anxiety.

I have to say that both my Ds1 and Ds2 were like this around 10-14 months.

If you need to return to work you need to stick with it. If not then I would try again around 18m when they have better understanding of time and that you are coming back.

14 months old. If I didn't return to work I would lose my job as I've taken the maximum time I'm allowed. We can just about afford for me to quit but it would be a very big decision as I wouldn't get my job back again.

Honestly.....she'll get used to it in time. 40 minutes isn't that long to leave them for. I bet another half hour she'd have calmed down

@ivfbeenbusy so would you continue just dropping her at the doorstep or should I go in and try to help her get used to the surroundings? I can tell my CM thinks I should just drop her off but she really was in a total state when I got there. Took ages to calm her.

29 years of settling children....drop and upbeat bye have fun. Keep it to an hour until she settles then up the time. If you go in leaving is harder.

@jannier thanks for your advice, I think this is what my childminder thinks too. But then I read something on here about how it should be a gradual transition. I don't think any transition that is realistic will be gradual enough though. She is very determined to cry.

Drop and go definitely! My DD was full time with a childminder from 20 weeks and my twins will be starting at a childminder full time also at 20 weeks - drop and go will be much less traumatic for both of you x

Building the time is what makes it gradual....instead of straight into full days. I take as long as Lo needs once happy for an hour I go for a feed then a sleep once I know how to help them sleep and they are happy enough to take some food we do a short day before full day. It may take a week or several .....at the moment due to covid its understandably taking longer. My latest was a week of hard work now he's so happy and settled says everyone's name on the way to my house and runs in laughing.

I’ve never had parents in for settling in sessions. I see them as the child getting used to being away from their parents for a short time and learning that the parent will come back. If the parent is there, the ch8d won’t learn that.

With COVID restrictions at the moment, I don’t have parents in through the door at all, so It’s doorstep drop offs and collections only.

My advice would be to leave her again for an hour or so at a time, as many times as you can. Building up the time as she settles more. Keep drop offs short and upbeat, try not to show your anxiety as your child will pick up on this.

Has your baby been left with anyone else recently? Grandparents or other support/childcare bubble? It’s harder at the moment as babies are just not used to being left with other people because of COVID, but they will get through it and given time, will settle.

@Maryann1975 she has been left with my parents while I pop out for an hour or two at our house and she's fine. She's also been left at their house whilst I've popped out but she's very comfortable there. To be honest though both times she might not have realised I wasn't in the house.
I will keep doing short bursts and see how it goes. Watching her sobbing and in such a state was heartbreaking. She was catching her breath after for about half an hour and not herself at all, I felt like I had totally traumatised her.

I have 20 years experience.

When we first started, settling in sessions were becoming popular, but many settings didn’t use them.
The children settled.

The advice gradually changed over the years and, before last year, Penny Tassoni, a respected Early Years expert and the president of PACEY, was recommending the gradual settling in method of 5 stages, increasing the length of time and presence of the parent. One of our council support team was recommending carrying a clingy baby in a sling all the time.
The children settled.

Then Covid hit and settling in sessions were affected. Most settings were drastically reducing or even stopping them.
The children settled.

At 14 months old, your baby is unfortunately at the separation anxiety age. It’s part of her developmental stage and definitely to be expected. I would be more concerned if she didn’t cry!

She will almost certainly settle if this childminder is a good one. I’m always a little dubious of stories about the child who doesn’t settle, then immediately settles in a new setting. That’s often because all the hard groundwork has already been done by the first setting.

After trying several methods and following all the advice over the years, it seems to me that settling in sessions are more about reassuring the parent than the child. Children do settle much quicker when the parents are not around and some will cry however carefully they have been prepared. Crying is a communication method. They’re not necessarily telling you they’re miserable or distressed and it does take a little time for the carer to work out why a child is crying - remember the newborn stage, when it took a couple of weeks for you both to get on the same wavelength?

I really hate telling a loving parent that the best thing he or she can do is a bright and breezy goodbye, keeping it as short as possible. It seems like an insult to all that care and love they’ve given to their child.
It is true, though.

If it helps, I went through this with my son when he started nursery school. He’s now a university student. A few years ago, I asked him if he could remember why he got so upset.
He said “No idea! I must have been mad!”

@tanith thanks for your post, that was really interesting and helpful.
I'm quite confident with the childminder. She minds my friends two kids and they are both happy and don't cry at drop off. One of them took a while to settle and they were patient with him (CM and her daughter do it together)
She also seems to share a similar parenting style.
I actually messaged her the other day and said for the next session I want to come in for a while and she said that's fine we can try that.
But after reading some of these posts I might just resort to dropping at the door. I have a feeling she will start crying as soon as she notices the house next time!

Even if she's crying, a cheery goodbye is the best thing to do in my experience, otherwise she will wonder why you don't go in to play with her every time.

When you drop baby of give a big happy smile and wave. Make sure they know you are comfortable as they will pick up your nerves. Honestly it's pretty normal though.

I would go at baby’s pace and do lots more visits, with mum. I’d be recording a video of me and your baby singing together or doing something fun, too, for you to play back at home and share with a sibling, so that I become something that’s positive in your home.

@Thehop I wish this was an option, I just feel like it's way more settling than she was expecting to do. It's lovely that you take that approach.

I’m moving from nursery to childminding so that I can move at children’s pace, not the business.

Can you ask her if you can go and visit a few times this week? Just short ones? Maybe bump into her at the park with the other children?

X

The CM is right and it’ll take a while and quite a few tears but she will settle. Parent going actually takes longer to settle as the whole separation process gets delayed.

Don’t let baby catch wind of your upset as she needs you to be confident. She will start to realise you will be back for her and will calm down. I would ask for a few more shorter settling in sessions.

@Brazilianut when you say ask for a few more short settling sessions do you mean with me there or not? Our plan is to do next Tues Wens Thurs and Friday starting with an hour and building up if she settles. I was thinking of maybe doing Tuesday with me there the whole time and then the other days leaving or just leaving straight away on Tuesday.
Not sure if going in for one day might cause more confusion.

@Drunkenmonkey hi, I was thinking more of you not being there, which I know is really hard. I think it’ll be confusing for your baby girl if you do some days and not others.

Personally in your shoes, I might ask to go in and say goodbye from indoors for a few days in a row then after that day bye at the door.

Also, really have faith in your CM and show her you listen to her advice based on experience. Good luck, all will be well.

Also please realise that your childminder has to follow covid restrictions and cannot allow parents in the house at present.

All of mine went to nursery not a childminder and none started in that super clingy separation anxiety phase, first was 2 and the second and third were 8/9 months so not exactly the same circumstances. I found they didn't get as upset if they were taken from me to do something fun. So I get to the door, hand child over and say have a lovely day, then carer walks away saying let's look at animals or whatever as I do a big wave and leave as they can't see me. All 3 settled quite quickly, third was probably the trickiest as he transitioned rooms as I couldn't do nursery runs for 2 weeks so dad and carers struggled a bit to get that transition down pat. Once I was back we started it again and he settled quickly. All 3 then ran in each morning without a backward glance and then were happy to see me when I picked up. It is hard, especially at first, but I think it can be much harder on the parents than the children. They also pick up on your feelings so easily, so if yoy already feel she will cry just looking at the house, she will sense that tension when you arrive. Keep it bright and breezy, easier said than done I appreciate. Hope it goes well.

Try meeting the childminder in a park and both play with her

Maybe ask to meet for a walk on a Sunday or something

Then she will recognise her with nice memories and may help drop off?

Hi all just to update, she has continued to do more sessions. She did 3 half days and has now done 2 full days. She cries on and off the whole time she is there. Do you think this is normal?
She cries as soon as I get her in the car as she knows where she is going and absolutely screams walking up to the house.
It is absolutely heartbreaking.
I'm pretty confident in the childminder but I do worry that there are lots of children there and maybe she isn't able to get the initial one to one care she needs to help her settle. I'm starting to wonder if it was a mistake returning to work

Hi @Drunkenmonkey....just found this post and wondered how things turned out for you and your little one in the end?? X