Just enjoy them

[Deepsouthwest]

Have been watching the tempers flare about childcare options on a thread today which made me think about hopefully a better question on the same topic. Don’t argue that staying at home with your children is better/worse for them - makes them drug addicts/Einsteins or that nursery will make them wonderful or dreadful people - just ask yourself this - out of 7 days a week - how much time do you want to spend with your children from 0-5 (when they then start school). If it’s everyday - try and see if you can arrange/afford that? If you don’t want to spend everyday with them - think about how much do you want to be with them when they are little? and work the rest of the time beyond this. I don’t think it’s about churning out “better” children if someone’s at home or someone works - just answer yourself honestly - how much of the week do I want to be a full time caregiver?

So how much did you have in savings before you changed careers, OP?

Also moving to a cheaper area often means that the working parent has a much longer commute, or even has to work away for much of the week. (surprise surprise house prices tend to be high near where the jobs are).
So it means one parent has much less time to spend with their DC.
Bit selfish really.
Unless you think that only mothers enjoy spending time with their kids?

So your husband works full time, is that because he doesn’t want to spend time with his children? Or is it perhaps a bit more complicated than that.

Hey OP. I was a SAHP to two boys. Then my husband lost his job and our relationship didn't survive. I had bills to pay, a roof to put over my children's heads. I can't afford to retrain and I can't move to another area as I can't move my kids far away from their dad. Solve that one.

I prefer out-and-out judgy rather than this faux-understanding shite.

Blah blah blah, everyone who isn’t a SAHP doesn’t love their children as much as I do or want to spend any time with them. Blah.

There are bigger issues such as some have to work to pay bills and others can’t afford to work due to childcare costs.

Plus you can’t always find a job that meets exactly the number of days you don’t want to be at home.

It’s just a “people with a lot of options make choices that make them happy” shocker

We moved with £30k - took ten as a cushion whilst we got jobs (no kids then) and then put the rest into fees/deposit with bank lending the rest. Work is in the nearby town and he cycles. No- we don’t have family nearby but with little ones there’s always company/a hubbub in the house. Schools are okay, countryside is gorgeous - we won’t ever go on holiday abroad and usually just go to stay st my mums for a holiday here. We get child benefit obviously but other than that we don’t claim anything.

Oh ok. Let me just pull £30k out of my arse so we can move to the arse end of nowhere with no family support and no jobs to walk into.

Sounds idyllic op

@iklboo I was just thinking that, I'll grab more than a years salary from my money tree and jog right on. Although where I'm finding a (small) 3 bed house for less than I paid for this one I would love to know.

So what happens if both parents say they want to be at home with the kids?? Who pays the bills then?

People who earn above the benefits cut off do consider the cost of childcare when they have kids. Often that means one parent needs to stay at home but equally often it means both parents return to work full time and just pay the bill. Neither option is better. Kids lose out either way

I just looked at the 23 houses on rightmove you suggest. All the ones in sherborne are only shared ownership.
Some are flats.
The rest either need work doing to them and/or are in areas of Yeovil that I wouldn’t want to raise my children in. Maybe I’m a snob, maybe I’m just realistic.

This is the weirdest post. It’s literally just a ‘this is what I did a few years ago’, it’s completely irrelevant to anyone else.

Parents who work do so for a variety of reasons. I don’t want to relocate, I want to go on foreign holidays, I don’t want to retrain, I don’t enjoy my children’s company enough to spend all week with them, I enjoy the company of my co-workers, my kids like playing rugby and having swimming lessons and playing guitar and I can’t pay for that without going to work, I’d quite like my own pension.

None of that applied to you, so you relocated, retrained etc.

🤷‍♀️

After I had my two dds i stayed at home for 3 years then used to work evenings/weekends round dhs work when they started nursery so we didn't have childcare to pay. I had just got back into full time employment after my two dds started school when I found out I was pregnant, was ok, we could afford wrap around and childminder for baby. Nope, pregnant with twins.

A minimum of £25k a year for childcare for 4. It wasn't worth it for me to go back frankly. I've had a great 5 years at home with them, and watched several friends kids over the years that also couldn't afford to either be a sahp/pay childcare.

I'm in the final year of my degree, with all my dc now at school I now have a few friends kids at least 16 hours a week for nothing but fucking admiration for them trying to make it work. Whatever their circumstances, the single mum friend, the couple with shit hours, the couple that spend too much on and can't afford childcare...

Am I smug or appalled that people do whats right for them? Not in the slightest, I genuinely couldn't give a shit.

I think everyone's lives are so different, I only work part time because I only want to work part time and I do a low paid job that I love but my wage pays for the food and the bills.

We inherited our house from my parents so no mortgage but dh works full time and his wages are our spending money which works for us, I will work ft when children are older but right now this works best for us as no childcare costs.
Other people may choose to work more and other people may not have a choice but I think it's so different for people that you're never going to find a balance that works for everybody, everyone does their best and that's all you can do.

These sorts of threads never end well as people are obviously very passionate about the choices they have made as it relates to their most precious thing..,, their child.

I truly don't care what choice people make or how they prioritise their time. Their lives, their chioce.

I chose to stay at home with my DS as I believe that's what's best for him, We had planned for this so we were exactly on the same page once DS came along. I love my life which I wouldn't if I had to go out and leave him all day. I feel luckily in that I can live the life I want. I will go back to work once he's at school and decide what that looks like, probably part time to fit around him. I paid heavily into a pension since I was 21, continued to pay in for my first 2 years off and will do when I return.

I do however have friends/family who must go to work and it's not what they want, it's just horrible for them. They feel like they are missing out, but it's no one place to judge, they are doing what they have to do, they are not doing it for foreign holidays, flash cars or even just the best TV package, they are doing it to survive.

Then I have friends /family who choose to go to work one went back "quite soon" (her words not mine) as she just needed work, her job was her, she loves it. She would simply hate being at home with her baby all day, it works for her to work.

The main thing is that the choice is made by the individual, as long as it's an educated decision, it really is no one else's business to push their views on others.

It's only on here that is repeatedly discussed, in my group of friends, which is mixed from SAHP to working, we never judge each other or look down our noses, we support each other where we can, the same as we would with joe blogs in the street. IRL I have never come across such weirdness.

It's only on here that is repeatedly discussed, in my group of friends, which is mixed from SAHP to working, we never judge each other or look down our noses, we support each other where we can, the same as we would with joe blogs in the street. IRL I have never come across such weirdness.

@tigger001 this is so true, no one in real life asks you why you work, or why you don’t, or if you’ve got a pension. My group of ‘mum friends’ includes sahm, full timers, part timers, evening shift worker and one who just works school hours. We’ve recently had a WhatsApp conversation about one who’s just returned after mat leave and she was debating what days/hours to work, but apart from that I don’t think it’s ever been discussed!

Lj8893
“some are flats”
“in areas of Yeovil that I wouldn’t want to raise my children in. Maybe I’m a snob”. Yep. Fair assessment.
“Sounds idyllic” FairyJuice.
Yep. Fair assessment.

I might be a snob, or I might have grown up in Yeovil and have lived there longer than you have to know where I wouldn’t want to live!!

And I’m not snobby about flats, I was just pointing out that they aren't houses.

A snob.

Sorry typo.

Correct - flats aren’t houses. I said “properties”.