New au pair - no family/couple space!

[bleughhh]

Hi - I am not sure if I am being mean/unreasonable but our new au pair is driving me mad. He has just finished school and this is the first time he has lived away from home. His profile was great and he made a big effort with it - he has experience working at summer camps for kids and lots of babysitting and wants to improve his English before starting university.

He is nice but always around - he has not left the house in two weeks other than once to join a gym. I have made a really detailed friendly 'welcome' handbook with nearest cafes, cinemas (cheap and nicer ones!), bars, gyms, shops, train station, bus routes and given him numbers for local au pairs who are sociable. We are also paying him top whack (max possible before we need to pay tax) so he can afford to go out.

He plays piano (badly) all the time, even when I am working from home and seems really needy. He asked me for to buy tissues for him last night (interrupted me when trying to chill in peace after last child had gone to bed at 10 pm to) as he has a cold (but behaves as if it is very serious), asks me for different bowls for his food, complains about our pans (which are fine...) and expects to come out each time I have said I'm taking the children out or my parents out for a meal. We took him to the pub, happily, last weekend for dinner on Saturday, I just don't want to keep paying for meals out for him every time we want to go out. He also asks me what is for lunch/supper every day.

I've told him he can put whatever he wants in the virtual shopping basket (we have two shops delivered a week) plus there is a kitty he can help himself to for any food he likes - I've told him where the local sainsbury is.

I've also found some amazing local English lessons in a cool cafe once a week but he seems reluctant to go - I said it was a good way to meet local young people, which he seems to want to do.

I paid for our current au pair (going home in a week) and him to go on the London Eye on Tues as it was sunny plus for lunch out at the south bank etc (and paid them both for the time as he had nothing to do otherwise and I thought it would be good to get him out of the house - plus he wants to shadow her). I asked him how his day was when he got home and he said 'long'. They left the house at 10 am and we're back by 3 and he had one well-behaved 4 year old to look after between them. I know the current au pair (leaving in a week) will have done all the looking after.

He also keeps grabbing and tickling my 4 year old even though she clearly doesn't like it. She is quite physical and affectionate but he's like an overbearing old person with no social empathy.

We've had two au pairs before. One was brilliant, the other a bit irritating at times but totally fine!

He WhatsApps me all the time too, asking when I will be back.

Do I try to talk to him or just accept there is too much to try to address?? Any ideas would be much appreciated. Thank you... I know I am probably being a cow but he is driving me mad...

Oh, nothing drastic. He just kept shouting at me from the hall while I was upstairs in a towel getting dressed and talking to my 10 year old (who wasn't feeling well). I hate people shouting from different rooms and he interrupted me when I was trying to get ready for work, was late and had an ill child. I shouted back 'hang on a minute' (loudly) and he kept shouting my name like the house was burning down. I repeated 'hang on a minute' and he repeated the shouting... he just wanted to me to know he was going to the gym so it was hardly urgent. I can give him lists of tasks, teach him to cook stuff, show him where the kids' stuff is kept, how to work the dishwasher etc but I can't stop him yelling at me or change his attitude I don't think. Anyway, after school nanny search is under way! He is nice just way too demanding for me to cope with!

Ducking he'll. sack him off. I'll come and work for you. He's got it bloody lovely!

19 year old boys (and girls) might look grown up but very often they really aren’t, plus they are lacking in life experience. So none of what you’ve said about him sounds that surprising or unusual for the age. You might also find that your children aren’t as grown up as you might expect once they hit that age. I suppose I’m saying that just because someone is 19 doesn’t make them a fully functioning adult. Good luck finding a replacement.

You are probably right watermelon. I guess I just know some very sophisticated ones!

But my children do know not to shout at people from the other end of the house ( a. loud and self-absorbed b. Impractical as can't have conversation effectively like that) or that I might be busy working, dealing with another child etc...! I think it is the self-absorbed thing I am struggling with. I know children and teenagers often are a bit but I think this is extreme.

Pay pocket money, get children.

Sounds like you need a professional
nanny.

He's on £6.37 per hour and gets his own room, his own bathroom, a massive balcony with views over the shard in zone 2, and can put whatever food he likes into our online shop plus pop out for any extras he likes in the week with the kitty money. I told him no lobster though.

I just wanted a young responsible adult who didn't expect the whole family to revolve around him. Children know not to interrupt conversations (mine learnt in Reception and got better each year).

The ad in au pair world was extremely clear.

We have had two au pairs already who have been great. We also had full time nannies for 9 years that we are still very close to - and that is not what I want, thank you.

@ChunkyKnit - oddly enough professional nannies don’t usually want 25 hr before/after school jobs.
Sorry it hasn’t worked out OP
Apparently korukids is good in London. I have a couple of friends who’ve successfully used them.

Thanks underneaththeash. I was in touch yesterday with them. And breakfast club has space for my youngest - the other two are ok on their own for 15 minutes before walking to school.

I worked as an au pair and my experience might help you. What you need is to set some boundaries, very clearly and not in offensive way. I completely understand that people (especially working moms) need personal space. I have my mother visiting us at the moment and even she understands that if I closed the door that means I don’t want to be disturbed.
Speaking of my experience. I was 25 at that time and I am generally very private person. But the Mother of the family was very helpful, on the first day she made clear timetable, where were included hours for house work whilst children were at school, and hours for the babysitting, when they are back home. Also it helped that I had my own guest house 2 minutes walking distance. But I was always welcome to stay over longer if I wanted (but I never did). I also was learning Swedish weekly. I think in your case what is missing is firm conversation with your au pair and explanation - what do you expect of him and what would you like to establish as a rule (not disturbing when you work, to behave certain way around your kids etc. It is a saying that au pair has to be treated as a member of family, but be realistic - he is an alien living with you for some period of time, you pay him money, he helps you with childcare. It is a mutual benefit so you two need to sit down an discuss little things otherwise he issuing to be miserable and so will you. I hope it helped.

sorry for the typos [his stay will be miserable*]

Thanks Londomari - that is helpful. But I think I just don't want anybody who is not family in my house anymore. I haven't said it isn't working yet to him but don't think it will be great for either of us to keep this up for another 6 months. It requires more energy than I have at the moment to try to fix it.

I totally understand. I donot trust comletely to nannies or childminders and having some stranger in house is a no no for me. Thank god I have wonderful Grandma who is coming to visit us and helps me with the childcare. IMHO, nothing is better than a loving Nana who used to be a teacher and knows how to deal with children in every possible way. Consider other options if au pair is not an option for you. You re the boss of your own life anyway. Good luck.

Well to be fair, an au pair is getting free accommodation (saving them hundreds per month), free food (again, saving them hundreds per month), often a free phone, free transport, joining family days out, free household things like wifi, laundry etc and on top of that, they get pocket money and free time to do as they like. Infact, OP, you actually want your au pair to take more free time and go out! I wouldn't say this is 'wanting a nanny on au pairs wages' type thing because if it's only wrap around care being provided, it would probably cost less over all to get a child minder or nanny to do the wrap around care then pay a baby sitter for the odd evening.

I have no advice as I've never had an au pair, nanny or even a childminder. I would maybe suggest writing down exactly what your expectations are including that he has to make himself busy out of the house from time to time as well

Ugh, me again. We asked him to leave but gave him until Christmas and are trying to help him find another family. I spent 3 hours yesterday calling agencies with him, emailing other ones, registering him on local online forums etc. He let it slip yesterday that he had actually been an au pair for a month before but 'ran away' as the family were bad. The context was why he wanted to go through an agency - he thinks they will vet the family first. During the interview process, I directly asked whether he had any au pair experience on Skype and talked a lot about how much time he had had looking after children so I am not impressed. I am sure some au pairs are treated very badly but, even so, he should have told me when I asked him directly and let me make the decision. Considering asking him to leave ASAP. Feel extremely uneasy about dishonesty and it makes it very hard to give a reference. As it is, the reference is pretty fair (encouraged families to call me so I can chat about pros and cons and what they can expect) but I want to revoke it now.

Anyway, moral to the story is trust your gut feelings! As many people advised....

Oh wow that's really not great.

You'll never be able to offload him onto another family if you're honest when you give a reference. Who would want him given everything you've experienced?

Fair point! Reference just said what he did for us it didn't say he was good at it... but I feel even that is too much now.

Meant to also say- the dishonesty about a previous position is really troubling. You have a right to know why that placement was ended. Do you believe him when he says it was the family's fault?

I'd get rid of him immediately. I couldn't have a man I didn't trust around my children.

It's his own fault if he finds himself packed home.

oh god OP i would want him out my house for lying (i hate liars)!. id give him 24 hours and if your feeling generous, a one way ticket home