New au pair - no family/couple space!

[bleughhh]

Hi - I am not sure if I am being mean/unreasonable but our new au pair is driving me mad. He has just finished school and this is the first time he has lived away from home. His profile was great and he made a big effort with it - he has experience working at summer camps for kids and lots of babysitting and wants to improve his English before starting university.

He is nice but always around - he has not left the house in two weeks other than once to join a gym. I have made a really detailed friendly 'welcome' handbook with nearest cafes, cinemas (cheap and nicer ones!), bars, gyms, shops, train station, bus routes and given him numbers for local au pairs who are sociable. We are also paying him top whack (max possible before we need to pay tax) so he can afford to go out.

He plays piano (badly) all the time, even when I am working from home and seems really needy. He asked me for to buy tissues for him last night (interrupted me when trying to chill in peace after last child had gone to bed at 10 pm to) as he has a cold (but behaves as if it is very serious), asks me for different bowls for his food, complains about our pans (which are fine...) and expects to come out each time I have said I'm taking the children out or my parents out for a meal. We took him to the pub, happily, last weekend for dinner on Saturday, I just don't want to keep paying for meals out for him every time we want to go out. He also asks me what is for lunch/supper every day.

I've told him he can put whatever he wants in the virtual shopping basket (we have two shops delivered a week) plus there is a kitty he can help himself to for any food he likes - I've told him where the local sainsbury is.

I've also found some amazing local English lessons in a cool cafe once a week but he seems reluctant to go - I said it was a good way to meet local young people, which he seems to want to do.

I paid for our current au pair (going home in a week) and him to go on the London Eye on Tues as it was sunny plus for lunch out at the south bank etc (and paid them both for the time as he had nothing to do otherwise and I thought it would be good to get him out of the house - plus he wants to shadow her). I asked him how his day was when he got home and he said 'long'. They left the house at 10 am and we're back by 3 and he had one well-behaved 4 year old to look after between them. I know the current au pair (leaving in a week) will have done all the looking after.

He also keeps grabbing and tickling my 4 year old even though she clearly doesn't like it. She is quite physical and affectionate but he's like an overbearing old person with no social empathy.

We've had two au pairs before. One was brilliant, the other a bit irritating at times but totally fine!

He WhatsApps me all the time too, asking when I will be back.

Do I try to talk to him or just accept there is too much to try to address?? Any ideas would be much appreciated. Thank you... I know I am probably being a cow but he is driving me mad...

Sounds like he thinks your his mum

I've never had an au pair myself but have always read on MN that they are to be treated as a member of the family, like an elder sibling. It's early days yet. He'll probably go out more once he's settled in. Maybe write out a daily routine for when you're not home so he doesn't have to keep what's apping you.

Hmm, Carolina, yes. I don't need a demanding 4th child though, given I work and life is pretty full on (good but can be stressful). He is more demanding than my 11 and 10 year old, by quite some way.

Yep - he has a very very detailed scheduled and loads of tips/advice. But I agree it is early days. Happy for him to be part of the family to some extent but we do need a little space occasionally. Ok, I will be clear with the schedule and give him a bit longer to settle in.

Au-pairs are young, inexperienced and after a quid pro quo situation where they look after kids while experiencing life as part of the family

Unfortunately lots of families want a mature independent nanny at au-pair prices.

You are meant to treat them like a member of the family. Going out with you is part of the deal. Older au pairs are more self sufficient

@TheCanterburyWhales hit the nail on the head.

Sounds like you want a nanny.

I think TheCanterburyWhales has it spot on. Some families want a mature, independent live in childcare provider at au pair rates. I always understood that au pairs were meant to become part of the family and that would include coming on lots of family outings etc.

He sounds a bit more needy than most and I can see why that would be a little irritating, but it's early days.

A family member who receives pocket money, not a wage. Some family members are more social than others.
Although you have told him about the basket maybe he's not comfortable yet using it. Not everyone is one of my dd's won't go and put something in my basket. I don't know why she cannot understand it either.

The job sounds lush! Would love it!

all other things aside, the way you describe him handling your four year old is reason enough to tell him it's not going to work out and find someone else. leaving him to look after her when she's uncomfortable and he doesn't appear to get her boundaries will presumably be a constant anxiety that won't get better.

This guy sounds over bearing. All of my au pairs found local friends and hung out with them in their free time - teenagers don't hang out with their parents.

Family time is important and it changes the dymanic having the au pair at dinner with your parents. I'd stop inviting him out for meals and make excuses. If in a few weeks he is still akward then it's time for a chat.

If I've understood correctly you live in London there is no excuse for him to not find other au pair friends!

my new male au pair is exactly the same - but i insist on 2 english classes a week...

he wattsapps me after a few hours 'when you coming home'....

i have tried writing a weekly schedule so he knows where he should be at all times
he asks for more hours/money but tutts when i ask him to look after the littler ones - his preference is the 2 teen boys not the toddler girl
he is messy - ive found 2 pools of spilt coffee in a week
he never seems to wash...

and this week he walked into my bedroom - knocking once the door was half open...

he is 19 - i do not need another kid!! aaarghhhhhh

so no advice.....but i feel for you

oh these threads always have posters on moaning about nannies and the pay/treatment of au pairs.

Let's assume the OP is not an exploitative employer and is treating her au pair as an au pair. OP it could go very wrong for you if he's already irritating you! On the other hand, he could just settle down.

I have been able to say to really overpowering au pairs that I need a bit of time in the evening (after 9pm ) just to watch the news on my own. That is fine. You could also ask him not to play the piano while you're working! I think anything you ask your own dcs to do, are fine to ask the AP to do.

And he may stop being annoying when he settles in, or you may find him too annoying, or he may realise that he's not cut out to be an au pair.

(I always have au pairs who are older than 20 by the way - like you I don't need another child. Usually a post-university au pair works best)

He also keeps grabbing and tickling my 4 year old even though she clearly doesn't like it. She is quite physical and affectionate but he's like an overbearing old person with no social empathy.

That’s the part that would make me end the arrangement now. You’re showing your daughter that a man can continually ignore her wishes about being touched.

Just end it now. I agree with others that a nanny may suit your needs better.

Don't let him tickle your child, tell him not to.

I think things will improve when he's been with you longer.

I told my au pair very clearly when DD says no you stop tickling her.
I explained I want her to grow up knowing when she says no the man will listen.
He looked a bit confused but hasn't tickled her since 🤷‍♀️

From my experience with 8 aupairs you really have to set out early getting things right and a good balance of give and take ! However if it's not good in the beginning it rairly gets better, they generally get more lazy and take advantage of the good nature of a host family. Expecting to be mothered while they are here.

Please come down on the tickling like a tonne of bricks. As others have said, it's really not alright.

Ticking not acceptable.
But it’s normal to invite au pairs out for family meals. Ours would always come if we’re eating out as a family. However, you do need to really spell things out with some au pairs ie. you can’t play the piano when I’m working from home. DH and I like to eat alone on a Tuesday and Friday. You don’t need to answer all what’s app messages and you certainly don’t need to be buying and tissues!
I’d give it a bit more time..but some placement just don’t work out.

He sounds dreadful. If he's acting like a family member then he can act like a teenager and have some independence! He is not invited out every time you go out for a meal, no family member gets to follow you around wherever you go. Don't make excuses, just say you're going out with your mum only. If you need him to be quiet while you work, then he should. If he was studying, you wouldn't play the piano when he was trying to concentrate, it's bad manners. I've had au pairs that want me to parent them, it's never gotten better with time. He sounds needy and ungrateful, currently you're paying someone a lot of money to live in your house, eat your food and annoy you. I would give him a week to start acting like an adult or leave.

Isn’t he Italian by the way? (I used to live in Italy, my son’s father is half Italian, and it sounds like an Italian mammone 😂😂😂. Any way, I had three au pairs although various characters and older who were similarly enjoying. Very demanding, noisy, treating my home like a free hotel, not fulfilling their duties ( not even playing with my son), sleeping until 10 am, noisy and expecting to be paid good money for being in my house and taking care of themselves. I let them go after one month. One was partying few times a week, coming back home at midnight pr later, and next day saying she can’t take my son to school because she has a headache. And demanded to that I buy a new mattress for her as she didn’t like the one I have just bought for her. I just threw her out next day she came home drunk at 1 am and supposed to take care of my son from 7:30 next day ( for 1 hr in the morning). She also smoked in my house, despite being told in advance there is strict no smoking policy (she lied to me that she is non smoker). I told her to go to her friends she was drinking with and gave her 24 hrs to leave my house. She later sent me a letter demanding one month “wedges” of the notice period.

One months earlier she went for holiday, took advanced pay, spent all money and told me I have to Olbia her a ticket, otherwise she’s can’t come back... and that I have to come to pick her up from other part of England at 11 pm after she overslept in a bus because she was partying the previous night. I add I am a single mum ( ex lives in Italy), and she didn’t see a problem that I leave my son at home to provide her a 2 hrs ride, or I will drag my sleeping son overnight, while he has to go to school and I have to go work next day ( I am a doctor by the way, so quite responsible job next day), so I eventually paid over 100 lubes for her taxi home.
I had also great au pairs, very friendly, who were actively taking care of my son, helping at home more than expected, cooking, organising their life, going out but with keeping balance and not disturbing.
For those who say that the au pair is a family member- she is not. She is a stranger coming to a stranger family. She should be treated like you would treat a family member but she is not a family member. However a family member does not mean your child.
Au pair is not your adopted child. She/he is an adult. Has duties. Has benefits from being at your house, including financial.
To those who say that we want a nanny for the au pair price- the au pair costs actually like a part time nanny. So we expect the child care. If you count- the au pair has free accomodation ( in this case in London), which is worth several hundred pounds, free food and laundry- another few hundreds, in my case also free phone and local transport pls entertainment- if the same person wanted to work in a restaurant, would spend for the room and maintenance most of the salary, plus would not have free time for studying English... to be au pair is much better. But au pair is not a guest, she/ he has to pay back to family, in child care and help at home. I would expect the au pair to participate in meal preparation or cooking while meal from time to time. We are not the au pair’s servants. I would not serve even my own adult children, I would expect them to serve themselves and help with meals.
Plus to respect my piece. It is my house overall, I work hard to maintain it. And for the au pair maintenance as well. My confirm is a priority. No piano when I am at home. No music. I am actually working full time in a hospital, so I have right to rest at my own home and the au pair has plenty of time when my child as at school, to play music when nobody is at home. Of spending this time outside, it is not my problem.
On the other hand, I don’t treat the au pairs like my replacement in entertaining my child. I take care of my child in the evening, I organise his school things.
Now, after some good and some good experience, I write my expectations in advance. Age is not relevant. I had 35 y old Italian au pair who was a teacher in Italy, and who was the most terrible person and child carer ( my son hated her), she is the one I tree away for drinking and smoking. I also had 20 y old Polish au pair who voluntary was running my house and organised my sons affairs better than me.

I had the au pairs who were ready and with hot porridge at 7 am, and such once who would not wake up before 10 am... ( whole the whole idea of having au pair is to have help in the morning and in the evening....).

Thanks all! Just came back to this as have friends staying. He joined us for dinner, wine and football chat - not a problem at all (despite him inspecting the lasagne suspiciously). I am really not after a live-in nanny at au pair rates! He only does before and after school care 4 days a week and I am back by 6.45. And I have spent ages finding him local au pairs to get in touch with (at his request - I have found 5 numbers), lovely local English lessons, bought food he says he likes (peach jam without bits in - v hard to find actually...!) But, yes, I do expect a 19 year old to have some level of independence. I'll be pretty worried if my children don't. And if I want to go for an expensive coffee

Yes, agree re the tickling. And have also said no nerf guns in the house as he was slamming doors on the children playing with them. As I said, he is nice but very immature. Really my 11 and 10 year olds have more common sense.

Sorry, posted too soon. I meant 'if I want to go for an expensive coffee/meal out or treat the children at half term (when he is not ' on duty') and I don't want to always take him along. We have done already and will do again, just not all the time...