New au pair - no family/couple space!

[bleughhh]

Hi - I am not sure if I am being mean/unreasonable but our new au pair is driving me mad. He has just finished school and this is the first time he has lived away from home. His profile was great and he made a big effort with it - he has experience working at summer camps for kids and lots of babysitting and wants to improve his English before starting university.

He is nice but always around - he has not left the house in two weeks other than once to join a gym. I have made a really detailed friendly 'welcome' handbook with nearest cafes, cinemas (cheap and nicer ones!), bars, gyms, shops, train station, bus routes and given him numbers for local au pairs who are sociable. We are also paying him top whack (max possible before we need to pay tax) so he can afford to go out.

He plays piano (badly) all the time, even when I am working from home and seems really needy. He asked me for to buy tissues for him last night (interrupted me when trying to chill in peace after last child had gone to bed at 10 pm to) as he has a cold (but behaves as if it is very serious), asks me for different bowls for his food, complains about our pans (which are fine...) and expects to come out each time I have said I'm taking the children out or my parents out for a meal. We took him to the pub, happily, last weekend for dinner on Saturday, I just don't want to keep paying for meals out for him every time we want to go out. He also asks me what is for lunch/supper every day.

I've told him he can put whatever he wants in the virtual shopping basket (we have two shops delivered a week) plus there is a kitty he can help himself to for any food he likes - I've told him where the local sainsbury is.

I've also found some amazing local English lessons in a cool cafe once a week but he seems reluctant to go - I said it was a good way to meet local young people, which he seems to want to do.

I paid for our current au pair (going home in a week) and him to go on the London Eye on Tues as it was sunny plus for lunch out at the south bank etc (and paid them both for the time as he had nothing to do otherwise and I thought it would be good to get him out of the house - plus he wants to shadow her). I asked him how his day was when he got home and he said 'long'. They left the house at 10 am and we're back by 3 and he had one well-behaved 4 year old to look after between them. I know the current au pair (leaving in a week) will have done all the looking after.

He also keeps grabbing and tickling my 4 year old even though she clearly doesn't like it. She is quite physical and affectionate but he's like an overbearing old person with no social empathy.

We've had two au pairs before. One was brilliant, the other a bit irritating at times but totally fine!

He WhatsApps me all the time too, asking when I will be back.

Do I try to talk to him or just accept there is too much to try to address?? Any ideas would be much appreciated. Thank you... I know I am probably being a cow but he is driving me mad...

Talk to him and ask why he is finding it hard to do things for himself - such as purchase tissues in a shop or go out of the house?

If you're child didn't do the chores you gave them then most people wouldn't give them their pocket money. Yet if we did the same to au pairs it would be uproar! I only take au pairs out for meals for special occasions e.g. a goodbye meal for them. Otherwise I leave them to their own devices. I certainly don't bring them to my grandads house for Sunday lunch.

And - yep, Italian...!

Sorry - I am drip feeding my thoughts, but I have been talking to my friend staying with us (v sensible and one of my closest friends since uni) and think we'll try two more weeks to give him a chance to settle him.

I will be v direct about peace and quiet when I am working from home; strict re the tickling (I think that is what makes me think this may not be salvageable but we'll see); talk to him about tissues/buying stuff himself; and go through the handbook I have asking that we have a bit of time to ourselves after the children go to bed (at 9/9.30 pm). He has a TV in his room and his own shower room so our house is big/comfortable enough to accommodate it.

Re costs - actually, an after school nanny would be the same cost but we would have to pay for breakfast club for the 4 yr old on top plus we wouldn't get two nights' babysitting thrown in. To be honest, we don't need two nights anyway. So, given food bills etc, the au pair arrangement isn't much cheaper.

Thanks for all your help/experiences. Really interesting and it's good to hear what others have done! (Really hoping it's not as bad an experience as some though...)

Ah, he's Italian.
(I'm in Italy, and was an au pair in Spain when at uni)
Now, a LOT of my final year kids ask me about au-pairing and I have never yet told one of them to go for it

Unless he is very very different from the average male 19 year old Italian, he has no idea what being an au pair means, and his family are happily telling everyone he's having a year out living with a British family to improve his English.
I had 2 university girls I initially started helping to find au pair jobs and the point where one said "but what if the mother doesn't know how to cook pasta properly?" while the other asked of it would be rude to ask the family to buy the brand of shampoo for her that she liked, I decided to pull out of negotiations for them

I stand by my initial post about what au pairs are, and should do, sure, but as someone who has taught 150 Italian 18 yr olds for the past 25 years, and seen the prevailing mentality of women in the kitchen, men in the parlour with the port, I'd not entertain either a female or male Italian au pair.

I'd do some gentle digging as to why he's doing the job, what does HE think he should be doing etc.

PS his summer camp experience is in all probability the local church? Often called a "Campo scuola" but with no overnight stay or domestic stuff involved. A Campo scuola can be residential - lots of our kids do that once they hit 16 or so, but then they're not expected to be doing anything with younger kids- it's more of a religious retreat. All senior school kids who still attend the parish are given the chance to be helpers on the younger kids Campo scuola- a week or so of playing with them in the mornings or afternoons in the church.

Ok, thanks, but I do not want a mature independent nanny at au pair prices. I've had nannies since my youngest was 6 months old and I went back to work (all now close family friends/godmother to one child). We just need before and after school help - and I have gone out of my way to make him feel at home/comfortable. He eats with us at every meal at home (which I expect and want), watches TV with us, hangs out with our friends. All fine. I expect (a lot) more independence than he has shown though and for him to be considerate - I do not expect a nanny at au pair rates.

I do agree we need a frank discussion about mutual expectations. But for an adult to expect me to buy tissues for him when he has a snotty nose (and to ask me to at 10 pm) is a bit much. Despite cultural differences!

Re the piano Op, I don’t want to sound mean but could you lock it when you are working? And yes a thousand times protect your daughters boundaries.

Can I come and be the au pair 😊

Yep!! As long as you wipe your own nose...

Sometimes I think it’s be great to be an au pair, live in someone’s house and I’d quite happily load the dishwasher, prepare supper (I’m a great cook) do the school run, sit with the children whilst they do homework, take the children to activities (clean driving licence) bake cakes and then get pocket money

Where do you live op is it good for cycling 🚴‍♀️ I could cycle in the day between a bit of cleaning and ironing 😉

If this arrangement doesn't work out for you I'll happily be your au pair! An employer like you would have made me far happier about being an au pair instead of quitting when I had a horrible family and going back to live out nannying! He sounds incredibly immature! I do hope it works out for you though, your littles deserve someone awesome! Glad you put your foot down regarding the tickling, very odd that he'd do that when your little one is clearly unhappy with it!

I was an au pair once. I don’t think families really realize what being an au pair means. Yes our first responsibility is your children at all times.! But then remember you took us out of our comfort zone and just expect us to function normally in an unknown environment.! I was blessed enough to have had an amazing host family. They payed my phone, car and gave me money to help towards my studies. If they went to the mall I got invited to join. If they went out to dinner they automatically assumed I would join them.! They made sure especially in the first month or so that I was happy. The au pair might be living in your house but guess what. That’s what you signed up for and it’s your responsibility to make him feel like family.! Hence the term “HOST” family.! Yeah he can absolutely back down on the constantly wanting to know where you are and stuff.! But then again my family always let me know what they had planned for if something happened I know where to go look for them.! I think a lot of these problems is both ways.! You are looking for someone to take care of your child but not be in your “space” while being available 24/7 for when you need them.! That’s impossible. And yes 19 year old boys are immature.! They all are. Some just hide it better.! But also remember so were you once in your life.! He might just need a bit of guidance.! And the most important thing.! Us as au pairs can feel when we are not welcomed and loved.! And the way you are talking here I can tell you 100% he can feel that’s how you feel toward him and his only way he knows how to deal with it is to become too much.! Make coffee, sit down alone with him and talk.! Just talk about it all.! I can almost say with 100% certainty that things will go better from there on.!

@19steph RTFT!

It's not going to work out. This guy hasn't a clue. I also agree with what PPs have said about Italian men. He's not going to undo that conditioning while at yours.

Next time I'd recommend considering Scandinavian au pairs. Generalising massively of course but IME, young people in Scandinavian counties seem to be more encouraged to be more independent and have more common sense.

Someone said your au pair was Italian. Is that right? Don't you know about Italian boys op? They are used to their mamas doing everything for them. Teenage boy au pair- what could go wrong? Er....

I would hate to have anyone in my home let alone an overbearing boy. The only time we had someone like this was a family member for a few years as a young / mid teen to improve her English and help out with dd. She was far more mature at 13 than this guy.

I’m surprised you say you’re making a saving. When you factor in all the hassle and on costs like food and washing costs, petrol if you take him somewhere, meal out etc, I would have thought it would be at best break even. His wages are the same as after school care. Would morning care really cost more than his additional costs?

I agree with sitting down with him and discussing expectations. It sounds as if he thinks he’s a child guest in your home and you’re his surrogate mummy. From the way you describe him, I’m not sure I’d be trusting him to look after my children, especially considering how little your dd is.

Oops the girl came for a few years during the summer holidays for a couple of weeks.

Honestly, go with your gut. If he's not a good fit then that's a reason to make a switch.

The tickling thing would really really bother me. He doesn't sound like he's attuned to your children's emotions and frankly that's a deal breaker for me when I'm leaving my child with someone.

Sorry for multiple typing mistakes in my long message- I was typing on my phone while felling as sleep and I didn’t check the text before sending.

Thanks again everybody. Um, Steph, I have done so much to make him feel welcome (got more experienced au pairs to message him, found out about local meet-ups, taken him with us when had my best friend staying to the weekend to everything/included him in our dinners etc. - we did not catch-up without him present at all, all weekend) and have taken him out for meals, I just don't want him to come with us all the time, i.e. when I haven't seen my parents for 6 weeks and they are only here for a few hours and I want to give my girls a little half term treat ... i have found out about a local pub meet up every Tuesday, found him local cool English lessons plus two other options a bus ride away, checked he is ok using the tube/buses/trains, told him where the cheaper cinema is, helped him join the local gym, ordered special food for him that he has told me he likes etc. I work 4 days a week so we only need him to be 'available' for 1.5 hours in the morning and 3.5 hours after school on those days. So not 24 hours at all! I haven't taken him out of his culture at all either - he contacted me and replied to an advert... he is also paid more than any other au pair I know. He is also an adult - a young one but still grown-up. As I said, he is more demanding than my 10 and 11 year old and it is not just a language issue.

Yes, I know about the stereotype of Italian boys - I didn't want to tar all young men from Italy with the same brush...

Thanks for all the advice. I do appreciate it. I'm being friendly but firm and will call it a day if this week doesn't get a lot better. I have also said he must not tickle my little one/touch her if she doesn't want him to. My older children will be with him all the time he is with my little one. I want to give him a fair chance and think I am.

We have au pair's in the past and they are all different. We prefer ones that are part of the family but also have their own life when they are not on the clock. I would suggest contacting your local care coordinator to set up a support meeting. This can help create a more black and white boundary that you are looking for when you are trying to get alone time with your parents or out of town friends.
The ideals of the program is to have a new member in your family as well as a cultural exchange. But I do feel that some au pairs are very young and still want to be treated as a child. This is something that we try to find out in the interview process.
Our interview process takes about 2 months before selecting an au pair. And in those 2 months we have selected a pool of 30 au pairs that we cut down to 2 or 3. I know this may seem like an extreme process but we feel that it is needed. We interview at different times of the day to see how they interact. We also find out about their current work habits. One au pair we had spoke with about 5 times was amazing until we really started to listen to the first 10 minutes of our chat. Every single time they complained about their boss or their coworkers. Would you want them to complain about you everyday?
If you have spoke with them about the no tickle policy and that you need time alone with your family and they do not respect that, then contact the agency. It could be either the au pair or a cultural thing.
I hope everything works out for you in the long term.

Cheers!

Thanks but we don't have an agency or local care coordinator. We used Au Pair World.

More issues this morning so I think it isn't going to work out. He is nice but just too needy.

At least you tried. Good luck finding the next one - it seems to be even more slim pickings this month than in the summer.

What happened this morning @bleughhh? Sounds like it’s definitely not working out