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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

Nanny let baby cry it out without permission

98 replies

Sweetcuppi · 19/10/2019 22:54

Need some advice. Our nanny who has been with us for over 2 years let our 5 month old cry it out without our permission. She is fully aware of our thoughts on this method and that we are against it. We have two children and I know for a fact that our older dd was asleep at the time this occurred and it wasn't due to dealing with dd.

I am really upset about this, but not sure on how to broach the topic. I am off on maternity leave at the moment and am spending a lot of time with the nanny and do not want to create any friction.

To be honest she has generally been lazy lately and a bit short with our older daughter. Not sure if there is something going on in her personal life. I don't like to pry and she keeps personal and work separate. To clarify what I mean by being lazy, on the night in question when we left the nanny was watching a movie, at that time both dd's were asleep in bed. When we came home there was still pee in the training potty, dd's dinner was still on the table and a load of laundry from an accident dd had early was not started. My husband also commented that earlier in the week the nanny took a nap on the sofa, same day a load of nappies, which I started had not been hung up to dry.

There are more instances recently, but letting my 5 month old cry it out to watch a movie really crossed a line.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I am aware I can be hyper sensitive in relation to my dd's and over react.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

itsgettingweird · 20/10/2019 17:38

As a parent I've put a grisly DS in bed and then when he's quiet made a comment about hoping assuming that means he's asleep.

Unless he was screaming or upset I wouldn't go into him in case he was awake.
If you want nanny to be aware at all times of babies awake/sleep Status then buy a video monitor.

RolytheRhino · 20/10/2019 18:14

Soooooo, your nanny is teaching your baby to sleep properly.

Having done her own research, OP has come to the conclusion that she does not want her child left to cry. The nanny must respect that, whether she or anyone else believes differently is of no consequence in this situation.

Blubluboo · 20/10/2019 22:32

You should see my lovely nanny friends, we are far from Victorian haha!

The thing I find most bizarre is the people making digs about nannies... on a nanny section! Brain is baffled.

Bluerussian · 21/10/2019 00:00

Sweetcuppi, I am very supportive of people employing a nanny. I've known many people who have done so and they are still caring parents, the nanny helps them to be able to do other things - like work. I also know a nanny, she doesn't do it now as she has two children of her own (she carried on with one child whom she took with her to work, she didn't live in), but she did work for many years and enjoyed the work. She had very good employers who were appreciative of her and were good parents.

The suggestion to have a word with your nanny and raise your concerns is a good one. She's been with you for two years and was fine until recently.

pallisers · 21/10/2019 00:04

You need to find out what actually happened because based on what you said, it isn't clear at all.

But if she did decide to let a 5 month old cry it out, personally I would seriously think about letting her go. And I say this as someone who used the ferber method on my eldest at 6 months. A nanny shouldn't be making that decision.

Drabarni · 21/10/2019 00:36

I am just looking for advice on how to broach the topic with my nanny. We have zero desire to let her go or to make her want to leave.

Ha Ha, evidently, you'd have to care for them yourselves.

saraclara · 21/10/2019 00:56

I have no problems at all with people having a nanny. But at the moment, the nanny's position is a bit like a nursery having a child's parents suddenly start turning up with them in the morning, and not go home. Every day for a year. It's going to feel weird.

Bluerussian · 21/10/2019 02:04

Drabarni
I am just looking for advice on how to broach the topic with my nanny. We have zero desire to let her go or to make her want to leave.

Ha Ha, evidently, you'd have to care for them yourselves.
..........
At the moment the op is on maternity leave but she'll need someone to look after the children when she returns to work. Employing a nanny makes sense.

saraclara, you make a very good point, I hadn't thought of it in that way but after reading your post, I 'thought' myself into the nanny's position and could almost feel how depressing such a situation would be.

Thatoneoverthere · 21/10/2019 06:36

Just wanted to say don't worry about what any one says about you having a nanny. The kids that I've looked after are now in their 20's down to 11 and all but one is super close to their mother (and thats because she doesn't like her daughter, only her son). One of my bosses said it best when she said why would I not want more people to love my kids.

I agree with saraclara though especially if your nanny has been sole charge, one of you is going to be home for the next while, sort out everyones expectations so no one steps on anyones toes.

Teacakeandalatte · 21/10/2019 06:55

If your nanny doesn't usually behave this way could she be having some kind of health problems? She sounds like she is tired by the mention of taking a nap and maybe not staying on top of all her usual chores. Is there a chance she is not getting enough sleep due to dd 2 waking at night or something?

Drabarni · 21/10/2019 13:22

At the moment the op is on maternity leave but she'll need someone to look after the children when she returns to work

Of course she will if she doesn't want to look after them whilst on mat leave. Why do some parents bother having kids, I'm sure it's an accessory to them

roses2 · 21/10/2019 14:06

If I was paying someone and they left dirty dishes on the table whilst they put their feet up to watch a movie I've be pretty annoyed to.

I'd have a chat and be a bit more direct about what you'd like her to do ie give her a list of tasks. If she does it again then look at a warning.

Blondeshavemorefun · 21/10/2019 21:09

She thinks she was asleep

So assume was quiet and not crying

Do you not use a monitor and ideally a breathing pad as baby is under 6mths

Then can actually see abs hear what baby is doing

Why doesn’t she know for sure ? Did she go in and check or would that disturb baby more and obv nanny can’t bf her back to sleep

From what you said doesn’t sound like she left baby to just cry

Yes she should have cleared away the wee and dirty dishes / would have taken a few mins

No to putting laundry on. She is babysitting not working and doing duties

And in the 20yrs I was a sole charge nanny , I always stayed while mum was on ml

Why should I lose my job for x months

Can you imagine working in an office and boss saying bugger off on no pay for 6mths - find another job but then I want you back again

Many families keep nanny on for stability for elder child - to share care and have 121 with older child - many families reliese the importance of keeping their much loved nanny and not risk losing her to another family for a matter of months

PineappleLumps · 22/10/2019 22:20

I leave babies to self soothe, but I only work for parents who are in agreement with my methods. So maybe it’s times to move on to a nanny more suited to your parenting style.

PineappleLumps · 22/10/2019 22:21

I always make sure the kitchen is tidy and toys are cleaned away before I sit down at nap time.

Bluerussian · 23/10/2019 00:49

Drabarni
At the moment the op is on maternity leave but she'll need someone to look after the children when she returns to work

Of course she will if she doesn't want to look after them whilst on mat leave. Why do some parents bother having kids, I'm sure it's an accessory to them sad
.........
I didn't get the impression the op doesn't look after her children, Drabami. I'm sure she does. If a person employs a nanny, the nanny will stay when the mother has another child and is on maternity leave, they are not dismissed and rehired when she goes back to work.

I think it's very good for any parents to have some help if they can afford it but a lot have family help - I did, I was fortunate. Of course there are some who are miles away from family or family is unhelpful, and can't afford paid help but if they can, why not?

If the op is still concerned about the nanny after talking to her, she may decide it's time for her to go and employ another one before returning to work so she can see how they get on. I hope she can sort things out with her current nanny because the girl has been with the family for two years. We shall see.

OVienna · 23/10/2019 12:04

People saying the OP is 'spoiled' retaining her nanny on mat leave - you do realise that a family having another child isn't grounds for dismissal of a nanny, right? If she's planning to return to work you'd seriously suggest: save a few bob, sack her, easily replaced in a few months, just a nanny anyway? Because that is the other side of what you are saying. Of course it isn't something everyone can afford to do - unfortunately for a nanny's own financial and employment security- but the OP is certainly not spoiled trying to make it work. Also, you can't sack someone and hire another person to do exactly the same job a couple of months later.

Sorry OP I realise this isn't the point if your post but I couldn't bear the nonsense.

OVienna · 23/10/2019 12:13

@Blondeshavemorefun glad to see you've turned up here.

Bluerussian · 23/10/2019 13:23

O'Vienna, me neither. People criticising have no idea how it works, the op is doing her best and seems like a very caring mother to me.

limpingparrot · 23/10/2019 13:38

Ha! I kept my nanny while on maternity leave. I was hardly going to sack the women who had cared for my eldest since he was a baby, who we love and trust like a another grandparent. Anyhow, I think having the parents at home is stressful for a nanny. In your case I would ignore the chores not being done, sounds like she’s tired or coming down with something. The cry it out thing, you need to talk to her and ask what happened and reiterate what you want to happen. If the baby wouldn’t settle, then her option is to rock the baby all evening until you arrived home, did she think you’d be annoyed if the baby wasn’t asleep in bed?

Drogosnextwife · 23/10/2019 13:52

So you have her a raise when the new baby came along? Does she get paid extra for the over time or is she expected to be on call for the children 24/7?

HuloBeraal · 23/10/2019 15:12

Why would she be on call 24/7. Nannies are not paid per child (usually). Most live out nannies work 8-6. And in this case the nanny was doing an extra shift which she was being PAID for.
Her jobs will be clearly defined. This includes cleaning up after kids and keeping the play area clean.
It’s a job, with hours and usually pretty good pay. What is with the weird hostility?
Do kids go to nursery 24/7? No? Then why do you think they go to their nanny 24/7? It’s just a childcare option for working parents.

HuloBeraal · 23/10/2019 15:15

And yes obviously she would be paid for overtime and any extra work. It’s not slavery! As I said London nannies certainly around 30K. A live in nanny would earn less but would have clearly defined hours, weekends off, have a place to stay and be given her meals PLUS her salary. (Which would then be lower than a live out nanny).
Getting your nanny to babysit in the evening is no different to using a nursery and then a babysitter when you are going out.

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