Nanny let baby cry it out without permission

[Sweetcuppi]

Need some advice. Our nanny who has been with us for over 2 years let our 5 month old cry it out without our permission. She is fully aware of our thoughts on this method and that we are against it. We have two children and I know for a fact that our older dd was asleep at the time this occurred and it wasn't due to dealing with dd.

I am really upset about this, but not sure on how to broach the topic. I am off on maternity leave at the moment and am spending a lot of time with the nanny and do not want to create any friction.

To be honest she has generally been lazy lately and a bit short with our older daughter. Not sure if there is something going on in her personal life. I don't like to pry and she keeps personal and work separate. To clarify what I mean by being lazy, on the night in question when we left the nanny was watching a movie, at that time both dd's were asleep in bed. When we came home there was still pee in the training potty, dd's dinner was still on the table and a load of laundry from an accident dd had early was not started. My husband also commented that earlier in the week the nanny took a nap on the sofa, same day a load of nappies, which I started had not been hung up to dry.

There are more instances recently, but letting my 5 month old cry it out to watch a movie really crossed a line.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I am aware I can be hyper sensitive in relation to my dd's and over react.

I wouldn't be happy that a 5 month old was sleeping in a different room - that's what it sounds like anyway.

He was working from home and saw her sleeping on the sofa.

Baby having a brief cry in between sleeping cycles for a few seconds is very different to leaving a baby to cry for half an hour. It doesn’t sound like you’ve established which happened? I wouldn’t describe the first as CIO, just normal sleep behaviour.

Well how long did the baby cry for? 5 minutes or 30?
Had to laugh at you calling the nanny lazy for not cleaning up after your kids in the evening, when you are on ml and employing a nanny

As previous posters said.. if the baby had a cry for 90 seconds and the nanny listened and decided not to go in that's not the same as 'cry it out'.. that's what all parents do whilst trying to establish what the next move should be. At the end of the day you're her employer, tell her to clean up if that's what you want her to do,

I agree with other posters. Those texts do not tell you that she left baby to cry it out at all. She may have had a little cry and then stopped and went back to sleep. You need to speak to your nanny and ask what happened before deciding you know already from some ambiguous texts.

I can’t understand why everyone is going on at the op for having a nanny whilst on mat leave. I remember when mine were baby and toddler. I was fucking exhausted all the time. I was lucky to get a shower, I felt smashed. I can perfectly understand why the Op would have a nanny on mat leave. Have people forgotten what hard work is involved with littlies?

I'd be more bothered about the being short with your dd.
Does she get paid the same for the extra sitting as for the nannying? Just that she might not think housework was part of that.
I suspect she has always been like this and you are just noticing now because you are at home.

(Or maybe she was ok with working with one child but not one plus a baby)

I don’t think the text exchange proves anything. Nanny may have been in and out of the baby’s room settling her on and off, she may have fast forward the movie or only a watched part of it.

The cleaning tasks not completed may have simply been overlooked. Had she completed any other tasks?

If she was settling the baby and going in and out of the room she may not have had time to do the cleaning tasks.

5 months old can be difficult to settle in the evening. How well is your baby settling with you in the evenings?

You have a few concerns that I'm sure you could reasonably have a conversation with her about.
As a PP mentioned, she might be struggling with the difference of you being home... She may be stressed in her personal life.
She seems to be a trusted person who you value, so I'd definitely ask her if she's okay and mention you've noticed she hasn't seemed herself and that you're concerned. You're giving her chance to be open and you can be honest with her.

OH FGS. What is the obsession with the nanny and ML? On MN posters are encouraged to keep their older child in nursery for ‘routine.’ It’s the same with having a nanny. It’s not LAZINESS as one poster implied.
Jeez people. The OP will go back to work. Why should she have to recruit a new nanny?

Disclaimer. Like many dual working families we have a nanny (cost of 2 in London nurseries is more than a nanny) and although DS1 is in school, if we add up the cost of holiday care, plus after school plus nursery for one child the difference is minimal. Having a nanny means that when the kids are a bit run down they can stay at home and have a duvet day and no one needs to take endless time off work in the winter. We have, like many families I know, had the same nanny for eight years now. She’s a part of the family almost and the boys love her like an auntie.
It has allowed us to work with peace of mind. And when DS2 was born it would have been lunacy to sack her.

Anyway back to the OP. The text message isn’t enough to suggest the baby was allowed to CIO. If you are not happy overall with her that’s a different matter but just based on this, no.

There is a missive difference between letting a baby sob for hours until they go back to sleep and hearing them give a little cry and waiting a few minutes to see if they settle back to sleep. It doesn't sound like you know which scenario it was.

She didnt say she left her to cry it out. She said she was crying and had now stopped. Whilst I never left my children to cry it out, I did hear them stir have a little moan and fall back over. There is a difference.
As for the rest. U know how hard it is (or maybe u dont) but she is human and cant keep everything immaculate all the time. She sounds exhausted. In a perfect world the dinner plates and washings would all be done but I can understand it's a lot to keep on top of with 2 little ones so young. Plus maybe she thought that as it was out with normal working hours u were responsible for tidying up after dinner. Does she clean up after all meals normally? Is she is sole charge of ensuring children's washing is done right away? I would find that hard whilst watching 2 young children. No wonder she had a nap. Follow your gut if u dont think she is up to the mark trust your instinct. But from what I read I feel a bit sorry for the nanny. Bit u know her I dont.

So these are individual decisions- the cleaning and the tidying. Usually a nanny contract will say that along side care of 2 kids nannies will be responsible for cooking for the kids, cleaning up after them (so their dishes and the play area and their rooms) and ironing their clothes. That is a fairly standard nanny contract. Most nannies are also fairly well paid and these duties are usually well articulated before a nanny starts work.

However I know that in the early days when I went back to work and DS2 was 7 months old sometimes he would nap only if cuddled and so I told my nanny to do that if he was having a bad teething day and to screw the housework. Ultimately a nanny employer relationship is a delicate one. Yes you employ them but they also care for your children. I would take a few unwashed dishes and untidiness over a nanny who was affectionate and had a genuine gut instinct with my kids. In this case though the nanny has been short with the older kid AND neglecting her general duties.

PS One day my nanny called me at work and said, I don’t like the look of DS2 (he was/is slightly medically fragile). He doesn’t have a temperature and isn’t unwell per se but something doesn’t sit right with me. He’s not laughing at my antics and he’s not running away at nappy changes. And there is no light in his eyes. For a minute I thought, ‘Is this reason enough to come home? That he isn’t running away from nappy changes and laughing as much as he does??!’ I trust her though and she’s never called me at work in 7 years. I did come home. I took one look at him and agreed that he lacked the usual ‘light’ in his eyes. We have open access to our children’s ward because of his prematurity. We were there an hour later. He spent the next 7 days in hospital. That kind of gut instinct about a child is worth it’s weight in gold.

Should have been clearer. DD2 has a bad cold and is teething. The nanny said she woke up, was being difficult and she gave her calpol. The way the mesages were written implied she then put DD2 down to self-soothe herself to sleep. Usually DD2 goes down without a fuss, but she has been having a rough week. DD2 had been at the docs the day before to ensure she was okay.

In terms of DD1 and expectations the nanny would pick up after her... she had been looking after DD1 at the time of the accident, when she used her potty and ate dinner. By the time I gave DD2 a bath and got her down to sleep I had to leave, as we had a commitment. By the time I left DD1 had already been down for an hour.

Having a nanny while on maternity leave does not mean I am not taking care of my children. DD2 is pretty much permanently attached to me by beinf a bf baby. I cook the majority of the meals for DD1 and rarely miss attending her classes. DH and I want DD2 to have the same bonding experience as we had with DD1, which requires coverage to take DD2 to classes. Also, on weekends DD1 asks to see her nanny and tells us she misses her. Getting rid of her for 6 months maternity leave to then hire someone else at what is arguably a traumatic time in DD1's life would be cruel and disruptive. DH is taking shared PL for 6 months, hence same experience for him too. I have DD1 ans DD2 by myself on Fridays, when DD1 would have previously gone to the grandparents.

I am just looking for advice on how to broach the topic with my nanny. We have zero desire to let her go or to make her want to leave.

So she worked in the day, and then babysat whilst you went out to the cinema? And you’re pissed off that she didn’t empty your daughter’s potty and snoozed on the sofa?

AND this includes a potty training toddler and a sick baby?

You sound like a bit of a tyrant and I hope she’s looking for a new job.

What stopped you from finishing sorting the nappies or emptying the potty?

Wow. OP I totally understand why you kept your nanny in, we did for DS1 and DS2 (have an older DD). for exactly those reasons. That is not the reason you posted and the other posters should butt out.

I agree that this is not acceptable - if that's what happened - but you need to ask her. From your text exchange it's not clear to me that she did let him cry it out. DS 2 in particular is what I call a grizzler. - he'll cry out for 30 seconds or so and then go back to sleep - we've learnt that the worst thing we can do is go back in.

I would also have a concern about the other activities. To be honest being a nanny when mum is on maternity leave is not an easy task and other posters are right in that it may just be out boundaries and I would recommend a word (and to understand what happened with the crying incident).

I would say that we've had three nannies over 5 years and kids do bond with them pretty quickly. We also sacked one nanny whilst I was on maternity leave for totally unexpected reasons and I covered everything for 3 months - it was actually a really lovely period and I do wonder if a better model would have been for me to do this for my maternity leave with a mothers help. And yes I get that we are lucky to have these options.

So your DH isn't working either at the moment as he has shared parental leave? Or he will take 6 months after your leave?

I have to say, exhausted as I was during maternity leave, especially with a 2yo and newborn, I wouldn't have enjoyed managing another adult in my home during that time. But we've never had a nanny.

Quite possibly she is very tired, hence dropping off on the sofa recently.

I think you should just ask if she's OK as she's seemed a little distracted lately, and see what she says. Maybe she's unhappy, is worried about something unrelated to your family, or feeling unwell. A friendly chat seems the best way forward.

Sorry I don't have a nanny so don't have any experience, but I assume it's like any other job in childcare and you would have an annual performance review meeting.
Could you write a list of your concerns as listed above, give it to her and just let her know you'd like to discuss it at her next review, allowing her time to prepare to explain herself?

I think you can ask the nanny how long ds2 was crying for and remind her that you would like her to do whatever sleep settling technique you prefer / have agreed.

I also think it can be very hard for a nanny to go from having complete control over the day to being much more directed when a parent is on maternity leave - presumably you pick which child's classes you are going to / who is looking after baby / who toddler. Of course this is normal and nanny just has to get on with it if she wants to stay in the role but its not necessarily an easy adjustment.

Everyone has an occasional off day at work but you will know if it is this or a trend. Given how long she has worked for you I would expect you to be able to have an open chat about the issues.