Nanny let baby cry it out without permission

[Sweetcuppi]

Need some advice. Our nanny who has been with us for over 2 years let our 5 month old cry it out without our permission. She is fully aware of our thoughts on this method and that we are against it. We have two children and I know for a fact that our older dd was asleep at the time this occurred and it wasn't due to dealing with dd.

I am really upset about this, but not sure on how to broach the topic. I am off on maternity leave at the moment and am spending a lot of time with the nanny and do not want to create any friction.

To be honest she has generally been lazy lately and a bit short with our older daughter. Not sure if there is something going on in her personal life. I don't like to pry and she keeps personal and work separate. To clarify what I mean by being lazy, on the night in question when we left the nanny was watching a movie, at that time both dd's were asleep in bed. When we came home there was still pee in the training potty, dd's dinner was still on the table and a load of laundry from an accident dd had early was not started. My husband also commented that earlier in the week the nanny took a nap on the sofa, same day a load of nappies, which I started had not been hung up to dry.

There are more instances recently, but letting my 5 month old cry it out to watch a movie really crossed a line.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I am aware I can be hyper sensitive in relation to my dd's and over react.

I don’t think you sound horrible. You need to outline your expectations very clearly. She has a job to do and she needs to do it to your specification.

If she is neglecting your child or failing in her duties - tell her. Direct her. But make sure what you are asking of her is fair and that if she babysits in the evening on top of a days work, she gets a break in the day while you’re around. Especially if she can’t relax because of a poorly baby.

Clearing dishes and emptying potties is basic stuff though - she should be doing that.

I think really the only option is to have a chat
OP Nanny I just wanted to clarify whether you let DD2 CIO as from the messages you sent I wasn't sure
nanny - yes / no I’d never!
OP - either - I’m really disappointed that this happened. I believed I had made myself clear that this is against our parenting choices and is something that should never happen again under any circumstances
Or
well that’s good because as you know it’s completely against our parenting style and something that should not be done under any circumstances
The end.

If she’s a good nanny then just watch and see. She may as you say be going through some stuff, she might need a chat about general expectations in the house now you’re at home - she could be feeling awkward or be unsure about what she should be doing now there are a few adults around. The only person who knows is her. You say you don’t want her to leave - so talk to her. Make sure she’s ok, tell her what you need from her if she sounds unclear and see how you get on.

To the others berating you for having a nanny on mat leave - ignore it. I’d have loved it if I could have afforded it! it’s just one of your parenting choices like the CIO. Stand firm in that.

I'd have a serious chat about what exactly happened to nail down timeframes, then, if needed, give her a verbal warning. And install an audio recording device (let her know about this, obviously). Your wishes as a parent are important and it's not her place to override them, even if she thinks she knows better.

Your on maternity leave and your DH is on 6 months paternity leave, yet you have a Nanny who seems to do literally everything all day and night? My god your poor Nanny.

Bluewavescrashing answer is perfect, if you have a reasonable relationship, sit down, perhaps with coffee and have a chat..

By chat, I mean friendly to a point, not harsh or accusing.

If DD2 is breastfed and 5mo and is ill with a cold I would imagine it was hard to settle her back down once she woke up. She would have probably wanted a feed?
Maybe speak to nanny as it might be the case DD would not stop crying because she wanted a feed & it was pretty stressful? Hence not having the energy to do the other stuff.

So your DH was home (albeit working) and heard the crying, instead of going up to settle the baby and then agree with you later on how to 'deal' with the nanny (or speak to her himself)- he left them crying and messaged you? Odd.

Your jealousy is showing, Nicola. If you've nothing useful to say, say nothing.

OP, you are not being unreasonable to expect that any mess occuring on the nanny's watch is cleaned up by the nanny. Presumably that's in her contract?

How many hours, a week is the nanny working?

@onetwothreemore

Why don't you look after the kids yourself and then do everything else in the house and see if you won't need a nap on the sofa or if you won't skip a night of washing and dishes

The nanny goes home at the end of the shift, has a full night of sleep and shows up ready for work the next morning. She gets days off and holidays. It's a job and is not comparable to running the household as a SAHM and she's as accountable as any daycare worker. Just because her workplace is a house, that doesn't excuse deciding to take it easy. Also, unless the nanny is also paid as a housekeeper, she won't be expected to clean the whole house, just to clear up after the kids when she's in charge of them.

why do you have children when you clearly would choose a career over your baby and toddler?

Would you ask that question of a man who works? Or is it just women that should be reliant on a partner's wage and sacrifice their own pension and career progression if they decide to procreate? Maybe OP doesn't want to teach her daughter that a woman's only function is to raise a family. Wind your neck in.

Your on maternity leave and your DH is on 6 months paternity leave, yet you have a Nanny who seems to do literally everything all day and night? My god your poor Nanny.

What a ridiculous response. Firstly shared parental leave means that the OP goes back to work after 6 months and then her husband takes leave for 6 months. They are not off at the same time. Secondly as others have pointed out, it would be lunacy to sack the nanny during maternity leave and then have to find and settle the children with a new one. It is no different to keeping an older child in nursery during when on maternity leave

Firstly shared parental leave means that the OP goes back to work after 6 months and then her husband takes leave for 6 months.

That's just one way to use shared parental leave. You can also be off at the same time, take a few months together then a few months separate, the whole point is it's what suits different circumstances.

OP just talk to your nanny about it and outline your expectations. You are her employer and should be acting accordingly. that includes having discussion about performance issues and responsibilities.

Definitely not jealous! Just like to raise my own children

OP I've reported some of the comments on here.
I imagine having the nanny to keep consistency is the same as sending lo to nursery or childminder whilst your off on maternity leave.
Also those saying poor nanny. Its her job!
It doesn't sound quite as bad as I think you think it is but I'd ask nanny how unsettled dd2 was and say about how when shes struggling with teething etc it's fine to cuddle her to sleep.

Is the nanny finding your maternity leave a strain? I know it theoretically ought to make her job easier, but in fact if she was always professional and engaged with DD1 before your maternity leave, it's quite likely she feels demoted to mother's help, undermined and constantly under observation if DH works from home and you are on maternity leave.

This would be very demotivating - perhaps you can imagine an equivalent scenario in your own job, being asked to spend 6 months as the CEO's PA when previously you were the CEO perhaps...

Leaving the baby to cry it out would be an absolute deal breaker for me unless there was a pretty serious reason behind it happening - I let my parents babysit dc1 for 2 hours total as a baby so DH could go out to a restaurant 300 meters away to have a meal on his birthday - we even talked about how it would be the first time since her birth we'd actually eat together without juggling the baby as she had reflux and was in pain lying flat so needed to be held a lot. We explained we'd be back before 10pm. They ordered a takeaway as planned - and stuck DD in her cot screaming so that they could both eat it hot and have a glass of wine! We got home at 9:30pm to find her purple from screaming and still inconsolable If I hadn't given a shit about her being to scream we'd have been doing that the whole time, and I'd told them not 20 minutes before leaving that we'd been holding her - stupid me for assuming they'd prioritise the baby grandchild they were babysitting for the first time above their takeaway and wine They breezily told me what they'd done and said I was being silly and unreasonable and expecting far too much when I was unhappy. I never let them babysit again, and never left any of my 3 babies to cry, it still makes me cross to remember especially because they were so offended that I was upset.

However I'd open the conversation sympathetically because your nanny has been providing appropriate childcare for two years and this is out of character. I'd ask her whether she's finding the current dynamic difficult and suggest she might like to take the rest of your maternity leave as extra leave or much more limited part time hours during which she could take DD1 out or be in sole charge at home - you can negotiate on what sort of pay but presumably your budget allows full pay - and comes back for a full-time handover fortnight at the end.

I think your current set up could be properly depressing - situational depression can become clinical depression - for a qualified, professional nanny used to sole charge and full responsibility. Certainly it would be completely demotivating.

Have a conversation from that angle - she sounds utterly demotivated.

If there are three adults in the house full time, no wonder boundaries are a bit weird. I'd hate being a nanny in those circumstances.
If the husband is taking six months parental leave, I'd assume that he intended parenting. If both patents are home to parent, the nanny must surely feel a bit surplus.
What on earth did you all do all day? Why can't you do your own washing up?

I think you need to have a chat with your nanny about how she feels about this strange arrangement. And make it clear/remind her what things are her responsibility. With three functioning adults in the house it's easy, I'd have thought, to start assuming that the person who put the nappies in the wash wild be responsible for the whole process, unless told otherwise.

Definitely not jealous! Just like to raise my own children

If that's the case, why did you feel the need to name-call and belittle?

Thanks for those with the helpful responses. I will have a chat with her to check-in everything is okay. I did not take into consideration her potentially feeling unsure of her role after the arrival of DD2. Worth covering that in a chat too. We have always tried to parent with our nanny and treat her like an additional parent, rather than force rules on her. Unfortunately I cannot do as part of her performance review as we did that in July, when gave her a positive review and a raise. The tidying up after DD1 or lack of really only started to drop off after I left for 5 weeks to visit my family - taking DD1 and DD2 with me and yes we paid our nanny for the full five weeks and I am planning on doing this again for a month over Christmas.

We do have a contract in place which outlines our nannies responsibilities in relation to the kids. She would normally tidy up after dinner and deal with any laundry.

I understand not everyone is supportive of people having nannies, however from our perspective it is no different than sending DD1 to nursery while I am off on mat leave. I do not leave DD2 with our nanny very often. To clarify DH is going on paternity leave when I go back to work. So again keeping the nanny is about continuity for D1.

@Sweetcuppi I think a good honest chat about things will make her feel more secure. Nannying is such an emotional job, you are taking care if someone's most treasured possessions and it can be wearing when the parents are around (for a long period of time, as opposed to a few days off). When does your ML end?

You sound quite thoughtful, I would check in that everything is ok for her and make sure she knows how much you all value her.

For those going on and on about the nanny do you guys go to threads where SAHMs send their kids to nursery for a ‘break’ and make similar sarcastic remarks? Honestly. MN has some hang up about nannies. As if they are some Victorian hangover where parents abdicate responsibility as opposed to just a childcare choice no different from sending kids to nursery.

The nanny is working whatever number of hours SHE was happy to sign a contract saying she was working for isn’t she? Nannies could easily earn 30K in places like London. It’s not slave labour. It’s a work contract except for the bit where the person works out of your home and looks after your kids so the relationship has to be managed carefully.

I don't think there's anything wrong with you having a nanny, OP. I do think that she should be someone you feel you can have an honest and open conversation with. She looks after your children, you need to be able to trust her, so sit her down and have a chat with her. Not in an accusatory way, but just that there are a couple of things that have happened recently that have made you feel uncomfortable and you want to check if she's ok and if there are any changes you might need to make.

You need to ask the nanny how long She let baby cry for. It’s no good saying she ‘implied’ or ‘by the sounds of messages exchanged’

You need to establish what actually happened not assuming what did happen. Then base your reaction on that.

Soooooo, your nanny is teaching your baby to sleep properly. You should be thanking her!