Childminder said 'your child hates me'

[Motherofpearl19]

Hi all, really hoping for some advice / thoughts!

Today was my 14 month olds 2nd real day with her childminder (but it's her 5th visit as we did 3 short practices beforehand). My daughter found both yesterday and today very difficult and apparently cried a lot. The childminder (who is ofstead registered and apparently very experienced) kept in touch with me on both days and suggested an earlier pick up. Luckily my friend who P is really close with was able I go and get P extra early at 2.30 instead of 5.30. I actually agree that this was a good idea because if P is really suffering, it's best to cut it shorter and just have these days as extra settling in days. I messaged the childminder this eve and asked if she thought we should do the same again tomorrow to which she agreed. I'm a single mum and I've paid upfront for this, so this will be the 3rd full day I've paid for (as she only does full days), even though P had done closer to half days, but that's not my main issue. Still though, I guess because the CM didn't mention half days to begin with, I hadn't factored them in.

The thing that's bothering me is the CM has suggested that she's never had a baby be so upset before, which makes me feel like P is too much?!? The CM seems flustered; and as if she feels negatively towards P.
eg. When I arrived today and the CM said 'hi' to P, P was a bit clingy with me (I think she remembered where she was!) The CM rolled her eyes and walked away, as if to say 'oh for goodness sake'. Then today when my friend picked P up she said 'she doesn't like me'. I work therapeutically with kids, so this would never be my choice of words, but it seems like an odd thing for a professional childminder to think / say?! I guess she's taking it personally - which is not very reassuring.

What do you think I should do? So far I've tried to be really encouraging of both P and her, and I keep saying things like 'oh well, this first bit is bound to be tricky - but she'll get used to it soon!' But I basically feel like I'm trying hard to reassure her, when really i want some reassurance! Especially as it's my first couple of days back at work, jeeeesh!

Thanks for listening :)

Do you have other options?

CM doesn't sound very experienced or professional to me! Maybe try another one? Both mine had free half day settling in sessions and appeared very keen to make my children feel comfortable. Surely this is a common issue that they should be used to dealing with?

@ChildminderMum I guess I can find other options but I have to give her 2 months notice if I want to end it..although I'm sure if she agrees it's not working out, she may not charge me?

@BringmeGin thanks for your feedback - I'm trying to navigate myself here, and check if I'm being a bit too sensitive

How long has she been a CM?

The childminder should be used to this and should have strategies to deal with this ... one of which should have been a better 'building up' start to the placement.
I'd ask the Childminder if she has concerns and if she genuinely believes that the placement is not working then she should make an agreement to compromise on notice. I do think 2 full days is far too soon to give up though ( on the Cm part not yours), I had several children/babies take s while to settle.

My son really struggled with nursery. None of the staff have ever reacted this way.

I don't think I'd trust her, she sounds like she can't cope.

I'd try someone else if I were you.

If you open communication about possibly leaving, she may offer you an 'out' as it sounds like she knows she's not coping.

My first childminder was just starting out but friend of a friend who I trusted. My ds was 9 months old and hard work. I hadn’t pretended he wasn’t. He was hard work for me and very clingy. My first week she basically said she couldn’t cope and I’d need to find someone else. Thankfully I did and she still looks after him 4 years later doing school wrap around care. She also got to enjoy dd who was much easier! Basically I think you have to find the right childminder who you trust. See if you can mutually agree this isn’t working so you don’t pay the 3 months fee- after 3 months I doubt you will want to go through the whole settling issue somewhere else!

Yeah this doesn't sound good. I'm a former childminder and I had some hard kids to look after, including one who was a very sensitive soul and cried a lot. I would never ever have said something like that or appeared flustered to the parent. I was the one reassuring them. She doesn't sound professional which doesn't bode well for the future.

I think you need a plan b. See what else is available locally childcare wise. Then have a cards on the table chat with her where you agree a shorter notice if she's struggling.

Rolling her eyes at an upset baby is pretty terrible. Has she no experience looking after babies? They are all upset to begin with, it’s totally normal. It would be weird for your baby to be happy about spending times with a stranger in a strange place.

Also very weird for the childminder to take this personally. To say that the child doesn’t like her is very odd.

I think I would look at alternatives if I were you.

Wouldn’t be happy to leave my dog there, never mind an upset baby.

I would definitely not send her back here and I'm very lax with things like this.

A clingy baby is to be expected. The staff at my son's nursery know he finds it hard to go in the morning. They always take him from me and give him a really big cuddle and lots of positive words. He's been this way since he started at 9 months. He's now 18 months. He still finds it hard to leave me but I know he is ok as they are loving and caring towards him and understand his clinginess. He cries when I leave but I always stay outside the room till he stops and he always stops within a minute. They work hard to settle him and never put him down until he's ready. Lots of children need extra support in the morning. It's normal. Hell, children starting school often need TLC separating from their parents too.

The fact that she rolled her eyes at you is appealing. The fact that she did not approach her kindly and try to coax her over for a cuddle suggests to me she is not as good as she makes out.

If she is saying she.doesnt think your child likes her, I would worry that what she means is "I find her hard and I don't like her". As a teacher I can categorically state that despite finding some children difficult at times or less likeable I would never let that influence my behaviour towards them and I would NEVER suggest to the parents that this was the case. It's my problem if I can't manage them, not the child's or the parents.

Find a new childcare provider. I've always gone with nurseries as it means they are not just with one person (who could be crap) all day and there are other staff there to support and keep an eye on each other.

the way you describe her isnt good op.
why did you chose her
she must have had some redeeming features
is the the only cm available?

I mean appalling not appealing! (Autocorrect and bad spelling!)

Please get another childminder

It doesn’t sound at all promising. The only thing I would say is that she was at least honest about it. The flip side is there are a few too many childcare providers who will smile sweetly, tell mum everything has been "fine" and never let on that your child is struggling.

I’d be a bit wary of all the usual, "your childcarer should be able to deal with it" comments. There’s no magic wand and you can't make a child settle, no matter how much training and experience.

It’s worth being aware they might struggle just as much with someone else, and it may take quite a while: forewarned is forearmed.

I am a cm. I would have concerns . I and all cm’s I know have a settling in period where either can end without notice .

I have had all different children arrive some walk in like they live here others take longer to settle .

I would never think they hate me . I would more assume missing Mummy and work with making them feel secure or distraction depending on the child and what works.

I believe that standard contracts have a probationary period in them which allow for immediate termination without penalty. Mine do (6weeks), it is so that i can terminate if I find a child isn’t settling or if the child or family are not a good fit at my setting, the family can also terminate if they feel it isn’t working for them. Check your contract carefully.

I do agree that 2 days is very short, but I don’t like negative people and wouldn’t want her looking after my child.

If you terminate immediately and you are all paid up, and provided you are terminating for good cause, then she would find it difficult to impose a 3 month notice period.

Personally, I would leave with immediate effect and pay her one weeks fees as a good will gesture, stating that unfortunately you don’t feel your daughter is settling. Can you afford that and can you find alternative childcare at short notice
?

Why do you have to give 2 months notice if the settling sessions haven't worked out?
I have pulled my son from one nursery before as he didn't settle during the settling sessions and didn't see why they would even want him during the notice period when he didn't settle!

It sounds to me like your CM is not enjoying looking after your child because they cry all the time and is hinting that it is not working out. It is not unusual for a child to take weeks or even months to settle but I think your CM has already decided your child is too much hard work.

I think it's fine for her to be honest about things not going well but she should not be eye rolling and walking away from you/child.

A couple of days on now. I would have an honest discussion with the childminder. Tell her how you felt about her reactions and ask how she proposes to work on the settling in process or if indeed she thinks the arrangement isn’t going anywhere. Be aware that it takes both of you to make it work. Often when a child takes time to settle it’s because they’re ill-prepared, yet this always seems to get blamed on the childminder/nursery when the family really play a far bigger role in that process.

Then reflect over the weekend, taking time to consider what you’ve discussed and whether you are happy with the care as a whole, as this whole thread seems to focus excessively on two relatively small incidents.

Whilst not wishing to deny your feelings or concerns, it might be worth trying to look at things in proportion. This being mumsnet, it’s attracted the usual rush to judgment from most quarters. In the real world, a lot of people would be quite relaxed about your childminder's reaction. Nobody died, nobody got hurt. Here on the discussion boards, two small events are somehow conflated to produce a "terrible" childminder who supposedly must be sacked off immediately. I think that’s way over the top, and your child's care is deserving of proper consideration, not just the knee-jerk reactions of MNers who just can’t wait to rush to hasty judgements.

Thank you to everyone and for your advice! And thanks for your last message @itsaboojum, I understand what you are saying.

I have reflected a lot (and had sleepless nights, because it really did seem like it wasn't going to work - and I had so much hope - I certainly hadn't imagine giving up after 3 days). I think what happened was that the CM felt under-confident with my baby, and worried it wouldn't work out (from day 1) and in turn both me and my baby were picking up on this. Also, both the CM and I had certain expectations. The CM expected P to settle in the 1st day, whereas I didn't at all, but I expected the CM to be used to babies crying for the first few days - knowing it was a phase and that it was understandable because it's all so unfamiliar for the little bubba. In hindsight I hadn't done enough research at all, and so you are right @itsaboojum, that was my fault. I really put all my confidence in this CM because she presented as SO confident herself. A big misunderstanding basically.

Everyone had been saying with the best intentions 'oh, good luck with going back to work, it's probably going to be traumatic for both of you!' To my surprise, I didn't have much separation anxt at all! I honestly thought: going back to work part time is going to be good for both my baby & I, now that she's 14 months, and although I knew there would be a tricky transition, what I hadn't prepared for was for the CM to be so surprised at my baby crying! Yesterday at drop-off I stayed 45 mins and when my baby was worried about mr leaving, she said 'oh god you have a very angry baby here.' I gently said, 'I think it's a bit more than anger. This is a big change and she's just letting us know she's feeling frightened and needs some reassurance.' I left feeling disheartened and worried, with her choice of words ringing in my ears. Bubba has been crying as I clicked the door shut, and the CM was coming across as defensive and fed up, rather than warm and reassuring. I felt sorry for the CM as I sensed she was feeling rejected. But mostly I felt disappointed because I was the one doing all the reassuring! I called the same friend and asked her to collect bubba sooner than later as I just didn't feel that CM felt up to it!

Big turn around followed, with CM sending me multiple photos of her and P together, saying how well it was going! She went on to suggest that my friend shouldn't come early as she wanted to make the most of a quieter day with my baby (less kids), and bond with her as much as possible. She said 'Ive got this! I feel more comfortable with P now.' Despite her choice of language being rather surprising to me, it is clear she just hadn't been as confident as I had thought...quite vulnerable really. And so all of this aside, it looks like we can continue to give it a go.

I've learned a lot about what I could have done differently. And as you can probably tell, I'm still confused at the way the CM responded to an insecure baby. It still doesn't make sense to me - it's as if it's never happened before? But I notice she has lots of kids there who love her, and she has warmed considerably to my baby, so now that this odd little 'settling in' period is becoming more comfortable, I'm seeing more positives about the situation. I'll just have to see how it goes from here :)

Ps maybe I didn't feel the separation so much myself because I was too busy worrying about the CM?!?!!! Possible bonus?

I would still change. She doesnt sound up to it.

fingers crossed their relationship will improve op