AIBU - how much does your au pair eat

[Ridgeview]

I don't know if IABU but our au pair eats a lot. To the point that I have changed supermarkets to be able to keep costs down and it takes food away from the DCs.
For example, yesterday she had 3 southern fried chicken breast, half a packet of fresh spaghetti and 2 chocolate bars for supper.
She'll have scrambled eggs and toast for breakfast, pizza at lunch and then a large supper.
I have started to write a menu for what the DCs are having for supper so she doesn't eat it.
However, this doesn't make much of a difference.
Our previous au pairs never eat this much and I am finding it hard to keep up.

Half a pack of spaghetti (I assume 250 grams), 3 chicken breasts is a lot of dinner. She had 3 BIG meals a day.
I’m surprised she is thin

It's a lot to me but I accept that my appetite is small. I don't think it's abnormal for a slim 20 year old.

The only thing you can do is to get one with a smaller appetite! Also OP...wait till' your DC are teens! Mine are slim and active and eat like men. They're young women! Their friends are the same too. Absolute gannets.

Three fried chicken breasts plus half a pack of spaghetti plus two chocolate bars in one sitting plus being slim and eating alone = eating disorder in my (fairly experienced) book.

I'd approach it with her carefully and supportively.

Fwiw we've had live in nannies before and to me, full board means sharing family meals at lunch and dinner, not being able to take any ingredients out of the fridge whenever. Snacks and breakfast should be totally her call.

If you can't afford to feed an au pair just stop it rather than blame her.

I'd give her a budget and ask her to spend within it. Either she does her own shopping or you add to list. What nationality is she? I'd say part of the issue is not eating with the adults in the evening. I'd guess she's feeling isolated.

Ours ate what we ate: shepherds pie, spag bol, quiche, pasta bake, meatballs etc for supper; cereal, toast, yoghurt, eggs for breakfast; soup, sarnies, baked bean's last night's leftovers for lunch. Always fruit, bread, yoghurt, juice in fridge. And hardbread from the Swedish centre :).

Our last aupair was about 2010 and I reckoned it was an extra £30 on the food bill then pw. Probably £50 now.

Looking back: 80pw, 10pw oyster, 10pw phone, 30pw food, 25pw class(es), 10pw flight home, 10pw agency fee. Was about £175pw even then overall but still the cheapest form of childcare. We used Swedish au-pairs. More expensive but good English and because Sweden is thin on ready meals, they could cook.

Ok I would eat a whole pizza in a pizza restaurant but I couldn’t on the same day eat 3 chicken breasts, pasta and 2 chocolate bars. Wouldn’t want to- I’d be full from the pizza at lunch and scrambled egg on toast at breakfast! She eats a lot. I have an 18 yr old daughter. Her meals yesterday: porridge, vegetarian wrap with hummus plus fruit, vegetarian chilli with rice .
She would probably have chocolate a couple of times a week.

I would provide more staples for her, pastas and pizzas on the cheaper end of the variety and she can have her own stock of food. Eggs are cheap enough etc. I would then organise meals for my dc separately. Explain to her that you need to ensure there is enough food for the children.

If she is over eating, I would see it as a sign that she wasn't happy and is comfort eating (two chocolate bars etc sounds like comfort eating) is she homesick?

Is she a long way from home?
Sounds like she might be comfort eating.

I think the key is to get her to eat what you and DH eat. YOu might eat later but you should speak to her and tell her that this is now the plan. You want her to have the same evening meal as you.

How you manage that is up to you. Maybe pre-cook and freeze.

@Wallywobbles - She is German.

Why is she cooking and eating alone?
All our au pairs eat dinner with us - it’s part of the cultural exchange being part of the family
We make food requirements and needs clear from the outset - cereal and toast and fruit for brekkie and salad and sandwiches etc for lunch
There’s always treats and snacks for them to help themselves too and we accommodate their likes
I expect my food bill to go up as I’m feeidng another adult
What you’ve described - three chicken breast - sounds a lot and perhaps you need to encourage her to eat with you?
Also explain food is bought for the week and the whole family so eating three chicken breasts isn’t on - she may not be aware
Have a chat - are you otherwise happy with her?

@rubyslippers - DP and I don't eat until 9pm. We have asked if she wants to eat with us and she's said no. She goes up to her room at 6pm when I get home or finish calls and then stays up there. We have invited her to watch tv and films with us in the evening but she doesn't want to.

I have had volunteers staying with me, and they do tend to eat a lot. Sometimes even if they were full, they would force a 3rd portion in.
I think you need to give her a shelf in a cupboard and a shelf in the fridge and say, this is hers, and she can eat what she likes, but it’s only restocked once a week.
Explain to her that because of the volume, you cannot afford to buy her treats, and keep what you want to give to your ex on a different shelf, so there is no confusion.
Youngsters are not used to budgeting and just help themselves as if they are at home.

Have you checked whether she has someone else hidden in her room?

I have an au pair similar age and she goes through phases I've noticed. My au pair also claims allergies that I note apply only at certain times! However I do have to buy some special items that are very expensive to cater to the 'sporadic' allergies. I make lots of trays of food etc and tend to meal plan for all of us - so lasagnes, pies etc and ensure there is a big lot of carbs in there so it's at least filling (but also balanced). I also buy some ready meals for her to have - which is portioned out so I certainly wouldn't expect her to have 2. I very much meal plan and budget food for the week and don't suggest she can just help herself to things in the fridge for precisely the reason you have and that is, I buy all the food on the weekend for all meals for the week and cannot be coming home to find the meals I'd planned for the evening or even following evening had been eaten. I would not have time to get to shops, make more food etc so it would really annoy me beyond just the cost issue. I also buy food that is specifically for her lunches and ask her that she likes to eat - pizzas, jacket potatoes, soups, quiches etc. I keep chocolates, snacks in the house that she can eat whenever she likes. I don't restrict her eating at all but she knows I need to budget and plan for the week and her going 'off plan' would cause issues. I also meal plan with her because she has to heat up food for the children before I get home so I discuss the weeks food with her. Maybe a little more planning with her would help?

Is she very tall? The Germans often are and their food intake will reflect this. Can you not ask her to eat less meat? Two chicken breasts is already a lot. Perhaps stop buying fresh pasta as well etc. You can get cheap packets of spaghetti for about 20p and maybe look at frozen chicken breasts, they should work out cheaper etc.

Breakfast seems ok. Lunch not very healthy but if a one-off then maybe. However her supper of 3 chicken breasts, spaghetti and chocolate sounds VERY greedy, and not a balanced meal at all (veggies or salad needed with her meal, none or only a small amount of spaghetti, and not more than one full size chicken breast for an adult female either).

Is she snacking, like some fruit, nuts, hummus, protein balls, biscuits, between meals? If that’s not available she could get too hungry between meals and overcompensating at dinner too, but if that’s a typical day for her she should be borderline obese, but as you’ve said she’s not I assume an eating disorder.

Is she actually eating it all? THats a huge amount if you ask me. I had an au pair who was bulimic- she overate but mainly snack type stuff.

Ridgeview - is she otherwise happy? Are you happy with her? I understand she doesn’t want to eat at 9 pm but she could eat with the kids? Sounds lonely eating in her own each night

She is about 5ft7 - she takes snacks up to her room as well

I don't allow eating in bedrooms in my house.

I would do a weekly meal plan with her and ask what she would like to eat.

If she asks for 3 chicken breasts for supper I would question this and suggest one breast plus vegetables instead. I would buy dried pasta and it's so cheap that I wouldn't be fussed if she wanted a large helping.

I think it's fine to eat a whole thin based pizza for lunch though. It's not unreasonable for the au pair to eat more than you or DH but there is a limit and you do need to be able to plan your shopping.

The German women of that age I know eat big lunches and less, usually bread based, in the evening (we live in Germany) bit that may be regional. I do know some very slim young women of that age who seem to eat constantly, and I think it can be normal for some at that age to have a very fast metabolism.

Eating in her room is what sounds a little worrying combined with the volume, and might make me a little worried about bulimia.

9pm is far too late for the Germans I know to eat unless going out clubbing. Unlike Mediterranean cultures it's not one where people eat late on work days IME. Families mostly eat lunch at 12ish and evening meal at 6ish. Certainly that's the assumption when children go to one another's houses.

Ideally she should be eating with the family, but if you really have to eat at 9pm I'm not sure what you can do. You certainly can't make her go hungry (and that would apply if you felt she was fat too!) and although an eating disorder is a possibility it's a very difficult thing to address. Do you think she might be making herself sick? Does she have her own ensuite bathroom?

Most au pairs ate normally but we did have two boy au pairs who ate like body builders. We'd come home and find all the steak, eggs and milk was gone.

One did turn out to be body building but he started to buy his own extra supplies.

We set down some rules - made sure we had plenty of standard food ( that would satisfy a healthy male appetite) which he could eat but said that he couldn't just help himself to everything else.

I don't think it's that weird. My partner can eat a whole pizza by himself and still be hungry, and he's fairly thin.